New Year for a New You: Day 4 #yby2018

This is day 4 of Lisa Jacobs Annual Review. You can find the details on her site, Marketing Creativity.

  • What would you do in 2018 if you knew you could not fail?

I’d lose 50 lbs.

  • What are some things you could be doing that you’ve been too afraid to try? How can you stretch your comfort zone?

I used to enjoy having sexy photos of myself taken. I’m too ashamed of my body right now which makes me terrified of any camera. I suppose to get out of my comfort zone, I could start taking pictures of myself but I doubt I’ll share them with anyone.

  • What have you been struggling with for entirely too long?

Is this just a weight loss pity party? I’ve been struggling with my weight since I was 8. That’s definitely far too long.

  • What could you outsource, delegate, automate, and/or stop doing in 2018?

I have absolutely NO idea.

  • In what ways and which areas will you “upgrade” your life?

Well, this year isn’t going to be a home upgrade, but I need a computer upgrade and we need a bed upgrade.  My life, I plan, as I’ve said earlier, that I am going to lift out of this depression, embrace my submission again to hopefully make steps to regaining KnyghtMare’s collar someday.


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New Year for a New You: Day 3 #yby2018

This is day 3 of Lisa Jacobs Annual Review. You can find the details on her site, Marketing Creativity.

Intention-Setting 2017

What do you want from 2018? Consider the following five pillars of a harmonic life, as taught in Harmonic Wealth: The Secret of Attracting the Life You Want by James Arthur Ray.

Then, we’re going to apply each change/desire to the following list. I’ve gathered the questions below from MONEY Master the Game: 7 Simple Steps to Financial Freedom by Tony Robbins:

  1. What do I really want? (vision)
  2. What is important about it? (values)
  3. How will I get it? (methods)
  4. What is preventing me from having it? (obstacles)
  5. How will I know I am successful? (measurements)


I want to establish an emergency savings account with at least 1 month’s living expenses and NOT touch it. I’d like to make $2000/month from Submissive Guide (before business expenses) so that I can apply the excess to improving the business, hiring more content creators and bettering our living situation.

What do I really want? (vision)

I want to not have to live paycheck to paycheck, especially since paychecks are not consistent and never on a schedule. I want to be able to relax when it comes to money and also, eventually, be able to handle emergencies like a vet bill, without juggling other bills.

What is important about it? (values)

I want to break free from the stress of never having enough.

How will I get it? (methods)

  1. Set aside a small percentage of every single paycheck in an account we can’t access easily.
  2. Make changes in our current budget that reflect a mindset of saving rather than spending.
  3. Work harder to find income funnels that work for Submissive Guide and also provide value to my readers so that they become loyal fans.

What is preventing me from having it? (obstacles)

A lack of discipline when it comes to money. Feeling starved for happiness and pleasure and seeking it in monetary gains instead of emotional, spiritual or social outlets. Stagnation with the business and not sure where to go from here.

How will I know I am successful? (measurements)

  • A full month’s bills accounted for in the emergency account.
  • $2K income tracked on the budget spreadsheet.
  • Peace of mind and relaxation when it comes to bills.


I hope to find peace in my morning rituals and improve my self-care so that I can take care of my needs before anyone else. Live the saying, “take care of the property!” I’d also like to learn better stress management so that I don’t fall into a deep depression again and if I do feel down I know how to lift myself up quickly.

What do I really want? (vision)

I want to be happy, productive and fulfilled without needing anyone else to provide that for me.

What is important about it? (values)

It’s important because so much of my current life has been hectic and depressive. I want to take charge and love myself again.

How will I get it? (methods)

  1. Re-establish my morning routine using the Miracle Morning outline. Stick to it as often as possible until it becomes a habit.
  2. Take more regular showers. It really does show that I’ve been depressed when my physical care has become unimportant. Let’s step that up.
  3. Read and practice better stress management techniques so that I can be more prepared.

What is preventing me from having it? (obstacles)

Well, the largest thing is depression. As I climb out of that I’ll be able to really embrace the tasks that will make me happier and feel more fulfilled.

How will I know I am successful? (measurements)

I will track my attempts at Miracle Morning in my bullet journal.


I am to continue learning and exploring submission and business skills to apply them to future successes. I’ll find better ways to create video content so that I am not always finding (and listening to) excuses not to record videos.

What do I really want? (vision)

I want, with some certainty, to know what I want from submission going forward. I’m tired of being uncertain and adrift. I also want to develop my video content to a higher standard so that people have another location for the informational content I provide.

What is important about it? (values)

It’s important because it not only improves my wellbeing but it will work to bring our business closer to success.

How will I get it? (methods)

  1. Make personal development and journaling a priority every single day.
  2. Schedule talks with KnyghtMare about where I stand in my re-focusing so he can provide support if I need it.
  3. Plan regular playtimes or D/s times to feel and explore submission in small doses to help me pinpoint what I do and don’t need.
  4. Record subguide videos on a schedule. Make it a business priority this year instead of written content.

What is preventing me from having it? (obstacles)

Depression is/was a huge hindrance, but as it subsides I feel I can work to reclaim my submission and figure out how it fits in the future. As I do so, I will continue to bring sucess to the business with a decent collection of video content.

How will I know I am successful? (measurements)

  • Increase my video count on YouTube by at least 30 videos.
  • Increase my YT subscribers. (Goal 8K+)
  • Be able to submit to KnyghtMare for short periods of time without falling back to negative and self-serving behaviors.


I want to continue to show KnyghtMare that he’s important to me and express my love to him in as many ways as possible as frequently as I can. I want to find ways to play regularly. I hope to have regular date nights to keep the flame kindled and to develop a deeper intimacy with him.

What do I really want? (vision)

I  want to spark joy in your relationship and make our love a furnace, not a single flame. I hope to see our marriage as a strong connection with ourselves that we come back to, an anchor.

What is important about it? (values)

It’s important to me to have a relationship with a rock solid base and enjoying exploring that love through sex, play, and dating. Nurturing a marriage takes dedication and devotion; I am going to dial it up this year.

How will I get it? (methods)

  1. Set regular date nights at least monthly.
  2. Play dates weekly. These don’t have to be fancy, just setting up a time to express our BDSM and kink cravings with each other.
  3. Find special moments to demonstrate my love for him throughout the year.

What is preventing me from having it? (obstacles)

The meltdown at the beginning of 2017 left lasting obstacles that we have to continue to chip at. This year I want to brush them all away and find peace with the past – it will not rob me of a happy future with KnyghtMare.

How will I know I am successful? (measurements)

Our happiness will go up, we’ll enjoy spending time together more often and look forward to being sexy with each other. I also expect I’ll be with bruises and aches and pains a bit more frequently if this plan works. They’ll be happy bruises though!


This is a big one. I want to find a healthy way to work out consistently that I enjoy and will make a difference in my weight loss. I will work to add my exercise routine to my morning ritual. I am also making a huge effort to reduce the amount of food I eat and then working in healthier choices for said foods. It will take time, but I can do it.

What do I really want? (vision)

I want to wear a size 14/16. I want to be able to talk long walks with my husband. I want to look in the mirror and be comfortable with the person staring back at me. I want to not worry about diabetes or dying young because I’m obese.

What is important about it? (values)

It’s important to me that I am attractive to my husband, that we can be active together and that I can wear sexy things. I get a lot of pleasure out of feeling sexy and attractive and it fuels a lot of other positive things in my life.

How will I get it? (methods)

  1. Shrinking my plate sizes, finding healthier alternates for the danger foods I tend to gravitate towards.
  2. Add exercise into my daily routine until I can do at least 30 mins each and every day.
  3. Reward progress with non-food rewards. Make-up, manicures, new hair color, new clothing item are all great suggestions.

What is preventing me from having it? (obstacles)

Comfort, in a nut-shell. I’ve always been fat. It’s hard to make the change to see being healthy as the direction I want to go. I’ve struggled with dieting and weight my entire life. If I don’t make the change now, I will die early. I don’t want that.

How will I know I am successful? (measurements)

Other than the normal scale and measuring tape going down, I am looking for a smile when I look in the mirror, fitting into tight spaces easier and less out of breath moments when I exert myself.


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New Year for a New You: Day 2 #yby2018

This is day 2 of Lisa Jacobs Annual Review. You can find the details on her site, Marketing Creativity.

Today’s 10 Questions:

What was time wasted this year?

I spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself and completely absorbed in depression. I really dislike that I spent so much time feeling that way. I distanced myself from any support system I could have had and it wasn’t helpful to the situation.  I hope that this more positive mood that I’m feeling now will continue to rise and that I’ll be even better in 2018.
What was money wasted this year?

Well, it’s hard to waste money when you don’t have any, so I’d have to say we did pretty good making sure money went where it needed to this year. Next year looks more promising, so we’ll have to keep an eye on frivolous (me, especially) spending. Gotta catch up with bills, debts and making a better life for ourselves before we can enjoy the extras.
What was the biggest challenge you faced this year?

The biggest challenge I faced this year was coming face to face with how I had changed, how I had mistreated KnyghtMare for a long, long time and realizing that submission had become just a word I liked to hear and nothing important to me as a person.  Submission used to mean something to me and I had forgotten what that was.
If anything, what would you change about how you handled that challenge?

I would have reached out for more support I think. I closed myself off instead. I withdrew from social interaction, hardly interacting with KnyghtMare for a time and barely existed. I think my shock, depression, and anxiety over what I had done would have been less if I had reached out for help.
Are you ending the year with any unfinished business?

Yes, I have a lot of things that I had hoped to accomplish this year that didn’t get done but nothing that had a deadline so I can pick them up and re-aim myself at them in 2018.
Are there any outstanding goals you’d like to let go of?

I’m going to have to let go of the idea of moving this year. We just signed the lease for the next year so we’re here until August ’19 now.  Hopefully, by that time, we’ll have picked up financially and can afford the home we want. We hate living here, but at least we can make it work without feeling too cramped.
What was your worst setback in 2017?

Mid-April when KnyghtMare asked for his collar back. I was already depressed after January’s realization of why I was treating KnyghtMare so poorly and my resolve to never do that again and then to have the collar removed (and my subsequent understanding that my connection with my submission was hollow) caused a giant crash; spiritually and emotionally.
Which bad habits or unhealthy patterns did you engage in that you’d like to give up once and for all?

Mindless eating and wasting time on the internet. I’d like to re-learn how to focus on work and productivity and less on unhealthy comforts and distractions. No more avoidance. I need to face things head on if I want to improve and succeed in 2018.
What or who held you back this year? Did anything make you shrink into yourself or feel defensive about your dreams?

I’ve talked about this already in the answers above but I held myself back and I put up walls without doors for a long time this year. I didn’t want to face what I had done, nor how to fix it. I’m done with that. It’s time to work on positive change.
How did you hold yourself back this year? Which beliefs | ideas | excuses stopped you from pushing forward?

I believed that I deserved to feel depressed, horrible, fat and ugly because of how I had been treating KnyghtMare for years. I was punishing myself and that has to come to an end. I’m pushing forward this year to make the changes that will stay with me and elevate me back into a position that I’m proud to be in.


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New Year for a New You: Day 1 #yby2018

This is day 1 of Lisa Jacobs Annual Review. You can find the details on her site, Marketing Creativity.

Today’s 10 Questions:

What was time very well spent this year?

This year, I think the best time spent was working on the new version of Submissive Guide. I’m very happy with the outcome and the resulting compliments from readers has really nailed home that it was a good change. KM is happy with his first version and is already working on the 2nd version (just upgrades).  Making the improvements that we did, not only gave me more freedom in what I choose to devote my time to for work, but it also made it easier to maintain, far less stressful on the servers and RESPONSIVE! This is the first time in 8 years that the site has looked good on mobile devices and with over 60% of my readers viewing the site on a tablet or mobile phone that was a serious need. Yay!

What was money very well spent this year?

Hm, this is a tough one because even though we’ve had some great changes in the business, KM hasn’t been able to pick up as much work as he used to so money is still allocated to necessities.  I think the best bang for our buck has been with keeping Netflix, Amazon Prime (for video) and Crunchyroll. Just having a variety of TV to watch has saved our sanity many evenings when were so stir crazy and had no available cash to go out.

What are your favorite memories of 2017?

One of my favorite memories was going to see Pentatonix in August at the Illinois State Fair with Lexi. Pentatonix is my all-time favorite singing group and I knew I wanted to see them before Avi left the group. Hanging out with Lexi was wonderful and I do wish we lived closer so that it could happen more often but I really do treasure the time we had. The concert was great too! Lexi is a fan of them as well and we were singing along with everyone else in the stadium.

We also stopped at Lincoln’s tomb on the way home that morning and it was a powerful moment for me; more than I thought it would be. Being at the memorial was something I had always wanted to do. It’s something I’ll keep in my memory forever.

What did you accomplish or complete this year?

Other than the aforementioned new site debut I don’t feel that I accomplished much of anything. It’s been a really tough year with the loss of KM’s collar and the crushing blow of a change in our relationship. Not to mention my sense of helplessness and insecurity surrounding submission and my detachment from it all.  I think I’d have to say an accomplishment would be that I stuck it out and didn’t give up. I figured out some of what was causing our issues and I continue to work on them every day with peace and patience and an open mind.

Did you make any progress on long-term goals?

Long term goals? Nope. I’ve had a long long-term goal of losing weight. This is the year, as always, that I  hope that changes.

What felt successful about the year, as a whole?

The end of the year is better than the beginning, is that a success? I  hope that it continues to improve.

Did you overcome any obstacles or mental blocks this year?

I encountered obstacles, that’s for sure. Have I overcome them? Not yet, but I’m working on them. The first obstacle is the breakdown of our marriage. It didn’t fail, but we were really close to the end for a while. The 2nd large obstacle is the removal of my collar and the realization that I had lost connection with what submission means to me and the purpose of it in my life. It’s still pretty lost but I am working on it because I want it back, so badly.

What did you learn about yourself after all that happened in 2017?

I learned that I’m more resilient than I thought. Much of the late Spring/early Summer  I spent in such deep depression that I didn’t think I’d get out of it. I’ve been through a lot of stressful things in my life this year and through all of it, I can see improvement now and I’m not giving up. They have shown me that I’m worth it and I can fight to be the person I’m supposed to be and that even though I didn’t think a change was possible, I can do it.

Who nurtured or supported you most this year?

KnyghtMare did, most definitely. Even though I caused him such stress and grief he was still the one that helped me stand on my own two feet and deal with my issues in a way that was healthy and positive. I can never thank him enough for loving me and trusting me and being there when others would have abandoned me as a lost cause.

Who did you enjoy nurturing and supporting?

I’ve been slowly taking steps into obedience again recently and offering my services to KnyghtMare when I can really connect to them. In October I asked to be his coffee slut again which he agreed to but doesn’t use all the time. I still love making his coffee and bringing it to him. There are a few other things that I’ve asked to start doing again that help me feel more connected to him and hopefully over time I will begin to see my submission in a light that I can embrace once more.


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Staying Positive While Sick

I’ve been struck by a pretty annoying cold so staying positive has been a challenge. I’ve taken to the internet to find ways to stay positive while feeling ill. Here’s the list that spoke to me.

1. Your body is sick, not your brain. I need to remind myself that I’m not required to feel sad just because I’m sick and delineate a happy divide between physical aches and pains and emotional ones. You can be in pain and not suffer–or at least not add to the external suffering with a “poor me” monologue in your head.

2. Take Sensory Care. The normal defenses a well person has against visual, auditory, olfactory, and other kinds of clutter are pretty defeated when you’re sick. Your energies are consumed with getting better, not filtering out. This makes it all the more important to be in a tidy, clean space that smells pleasant (or at least clean), sounds peaceful, and looks nice. Even if you can’t control all of those things, do what you can with your immediate little sick nest–toss the tissues, make the bed (even if you’re in it), put the dishes away, wipe the table down, etc.

3. Ask Yourself: Does This Have Good Energy? It’s not about a value judgment, but it usually works out that some things bring us up and other things bring us down.  I, quite commonly, marathon watch Survivorman. If he can survive a week without food, water, and shelter in the middle of nowhere, then I can survive this bout of illness!

4. Drink Plenty of Fresh Water. It will not only hydrate you and flush what needs flushing and keep your cells in optimal fighting shape, it will help your brain counteract negativity.

5. Bathe Daily. The dirty (har) secret of sick days is that most people think, “Well, I’m sick, I’m not going anywhere, no need to bathe.” But even if you’re just going to roll back into bed, first roll into the shower. Use your favorite soaps and potions, visualize the water rinsing the sick off of you.

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Keeping Busy

We are dealing with a lot of financial stress right now which isn’t helping my positive mood improvement of my depression but I am finding that as long as I keep myself busy, things don’t feel as bad.

KnyghtMare hit a deer on the way home from bowling Wednesday. He’s fine but it did shake him up quite a bit. The car now needs some body work and thankfully we have full coverage so we only have to come up with the deductible to get it fixed, which will have to be by the end of the year and without a headlight we risk being pulled over and driving at night is not recommended. These winter months where it becomes night by dinnertime suck now without a car that has 2 headights.

I am getting a lot done related to Submissive Guide and I feel great about that. Busy hands and all that.

What I’d  like to start working on is reclaiming my submissive self. I feel like a bit of myself is missing and I need it back. The problem right now is with everything else going on, my personal inner work on submission has been pushed aside. I can do this though.  I’m strong enough.


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Waning Luna 1

I weigh 365 lbs. It’s not something I’m proud of, but it’s a fact so I need to face it. I’m much happier and healthier around 275 lbs or less. That’s a lot of weight to lose and the number is intimidating. But, I know that first thing to do for any challenge is to face it. So here I am.

The largest culprit is that I’m sedentary. I avoid movement. I’m at my computer most of the day and evening with only occasional bursts of activity. That really needs to change. Anyone with as much weight as I have knows that’s not an easy or quick process. So I’m starting with using my Fitbit to track my steps and increase those on a daily basis until I can consistently be above 5,000 steps. I know for many of you, you’ll realize that 5K steps aren’t that much but when I’ve been averaging under 2K for months now, you’ll see what mountain I’m climbing.

I’ve been deeply depressed since April (at least) and I’m finally starting to see the light and want to be normal again. Making sure I’m constantly aware of my healthy goals is one of the things I have begun doing.

Here’s what I’m planning this week for my health. Grocery shopping is done on Wednesdays so some of this is pending a shopping trip.

  • I am eating vegetables at every meal. No excuses. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner will have veggies.
  • I am tracking my food in a log (on Sparkpeople) so that I can learn where I need to adjust calories, carbs and fat.
  • I am boosting my steps to 5K or more each and every day. Right now I’m at 3K so that’s awesome.
  • Every hour  I’m getting up from my computer and doing something else for at least 10 minutes. It’s been housework lately, but anything that forces me to move around is fair game.
I’m not setting any weight goals yet, as I feel my weight will be a secondary focus. Yes, I’m dangerously fat, but I need to focus on something I can see changing right away and my steps and my food habits are something I can be accountable every single day.
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You Are

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