KnyghtMare and I are still in the consideration phase. I’m told I need to be showing him what kind of submissive I can be for him, complying with what I know his expectations are and as my displays of non-combative compliance continue he’ll make decisions for the future us.
It’s been awhile. The change in our relationship was before Thanksgiving and being in a considering phase, from what I’ve read and know of it, isn’t supposed to be a long time. Maybe it’s because I have a lot to prove. Maybe it’s because he’s just not ready and needs more time. Whatever it is, it’s caused more than a few times where I have felt frustrated. Frustrated that it will never be good enough, frustrated that he’s waiting for me to become something I’ll never get to. All over frustrated in waiting.
He’s told me that I just need to be happy where I am and be happy things are progressing. I’m happy things are progressing I really am. But I can’t be happy with how things are, or rather, I’m not content with how things are. When we hit rock bottom and my collar was removed, along with it went several of my needs fulfilled. Not to mention desires. But there are holes in what I need from him, that I know I can get from him because he used to love fulfilling those needs.
You can’t be content when you have unfulfilled needs. It’s not possible. You either have to learn to live without them, knowing you’ll be less than happy, or do your best to find them somewhere – in some cases with other people. It’s often how affairs start.
But he knows I have needs that he’s not doing anything about right now. And all I can do is wait until he’s ready to engage with me fully again. And I have to be realistic and come to terms with the potential
As I work through these thoughts I just paint on a smile and silently hope for a better future.
Sure today is great – we’re getting along so much better than we were and I can feel us growing closer again. He’s more willing to make me aware when I’ve done something or said something that is inappropriate and I’m doing my best to really learn how to communicate effectively in the first place.
I don’t expect things to magically improve or change if I gain the place as his submissive again, but at least the door will be open to discussing my needs and trying to see them fulfilled. There are so many things I miss.