I’m drowning. I can’t shut off all the negative self-talk in my head lately. I know it’s false though because I can’t find anything to prove it’s valid thinking, but it still won’t go away.
One moment it’s that I’m fat and ugly and no one would be interested in me sexually. Next moment I feel like I’m a terrible submissive and I’ll never be a good one so why bother even thinking it. Don’t enjoy your collar because you’re destined to lose it and KM in the process. It’s just a matter of time. I don’t deserve to be happy. The reason KM doesn’t want to do the sexy things with me is that I’m still so unattractive. He has someone else for the kinky stuff so he doesn’t feel like doing it with me is necessary. I should just stop suggesting the fun stuff I want to do, it’s annoying him or falling on deaf ears.
I want to say again that I know these things are false, they have no basis in fact. But for the life of me, I can’t stop hearing them. And they make me feel horrible because the work I have to go through to disprove them in my head isn’t an instant process. So, I’ve been feeling pretty miserable. I know KM has noticed. He’s asked me a few times how I am. There’s nothing he can do to help me with them.
I just want normal. I want happy. I want things to be enjoyable again. This summer has sucked so bad and I wish it were over already.