Not Ready

I’m not submissive material yet. I have a long way to go, apparently. And even if I was his submissive today nothing would change. It’s a hard pill to swallow.

So I guess, it’s this: he’s considered me and deemed me not ready.

I feel defeated. I feel worthless. I feel unimportant. I had put so much into the potential of a D/s relationship with KM again that I had lost sight of me. And now, I don’t know if or when he’ll want me to be his submissive. If I’ll ever be good enough.

A lot has happened in the past week, things I don’t care to talk about here. But I know that I have a lot of healing ahead of me too, personal introspection and growth. I’ve lost sight of me and while I know there are things I want and need, I don’t know who I am and can’t figure out how to get those things while I’m still in the dark. But I just have this feeling that having some of my needs and desires met would help me while I healed. How do I do that when KM isn’t willing? How do I still give him time to heal and figure out what he wants of us?

I have a lot of things I need in my life now that the submissive me has been awakened. I’m also a lot kinkier and craving sexy things that are also just sitting there in wait. I feel like I’m missing out on fun, on joy, on pleasure, and on adventure. I’m not sure what to do about it right now, but I know I can’t go on denying them. I have to find some way to embrace what I need so that I can continue moving towards a better relationship with KM that hopefully will be D/s someday while still respecting what KM needs to continue healing as well. It’s a really difficult road ahead.

I know KM loves me and I know he understands that I’m going through a rough patch. But I hope he doesn’t give up on me. I hope he keeps thinking of me as his someday submissive and allows me to express myself. We’ve not done a lot of talking with each other recently, it’s been a lot of talking at each other. I’m not sure anyone understands what I mean.

While KM has said on numerous occasions that he wants me as his submissive again someday, the things I want and need aren’t things he is interested in right now or anymore. I don’t know. Does this mean that to be with him, I have to give up what I want and need? He’d never accept that. I’d never be happy. It’s all so up in the air right now.

I need to heal and I need to do it as quickly as possible. I’m so tired of my life being on hold, of not living fully, not doing everything I want to be doing and want to be doing it with. I’m so tired of waiting for my life to start. I wish I could just get back into it. End the intermission already. We can relearn as we go along. Please. I just need a chance.

–lunaKM

About lunaKM

I’m a full-time submissive in a D/s relationship. I am webslut to My Personal Blog, The Iron Gate, Submissive Guide, Submissive Journal Prompts, and help my Master KnyghtMare with Kink Network Sites. I started blogging when I was exploring D/s online in 2003. I needed advice, mentors and helping hands. Since then I’ve made it my mission to help novice submissives understand themselves and the services they wish to provide. Read more >>
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