Today I’d like to talk about progress. I’m making progress. I know that for several years (and more before that) I was the queen of backsliding, of little progress and of pure depressive sadness. But today I feel like the world isn’t out to get me anymore, that I can make so much of my future and can enjoy myself. I’m taking my time really focusing on who I am and who I want to be, as well as the past me, and why that is not something I want to maintain anymore. It’s taken a ton of online reading and research, journaling and self-help. It’s taken hours of counseling and introspection. It’s cost KnyghtMare and I years of our marriage that we’ll never get back.
But let’s not talk about that, let’s talk about moving forward.
About three weeks ago, a change happened in my D/s status with KnyghtMare. He is now officially reconsidering me for his submissive. I’m amazed and excited to be at this place again – it shows that all the effort I’ve put into myself is paying off and he can see that I’m improving. That I have worth. That he wants me in his life, his D/s life again soon. That is just huge. So huge that I still haven’t quite figured out what the next step is. I know I need to continue working on wiping out the bad behaviors. I know I need to continue working on learning better communication and also moving past how I was raised and my childhood experiences and finally embrace a healthy adulthood.
I’m thankful that KnyghtMare has stayed with me, no matter how hard things got. And they got bad, let me tell you. But he’s still here and he kept telling me that he’s here for me and us and our future. I never had to doubt that.
So thank you KnyghtMare, for showing me that I am worth it. I will continue to learn and grow and become an authentic self, someone who doesn’t put up personal barriers for no reason, who doesn’t use her past as an excuse not to live and definitely someone who communicates in a way that nurtures relationships instead of alienating them and pushing them away.
I love you KnyghtMare. Thank you.