I’m back with my self-work, trying to get my head and my life straightened around so that I’m happy and healthy and in fulfilling, nurturing relationships. Today, I’m working on my feelings. For years now, I’ve made it a habit to stuff my feelings down, to deny them and to reject them. Because the feelings I was having hurt and I didn’t want to hurt. It’s a natural response to not want to hurt, but one needs to learn how to respond to the feelings as they happen in a healthy way and I had simply made whatever was going on worse by rejecting them.
To be honest, I’ve been working on understanding my feelings since the start of my rediscovery process and I’m glad I have because it’s really opened my eyes to what the problems are and how to work through the things I can change vs. the things I can’t. It’s probably one of the reasons I find myself on the verge of tears so often, and in most cases, I just don’t know why. I think it’s just old, raw feelings coming up to the surface to be processed.
I do a lot of processing these days.
One of the things that I’m noticing as I work on allowing myself to feel is that my pain tolerance is different. While I haven’t had a chance to really test it, I’ve noticed that I’m enjoying more intense pain. I’m coming to think that one of the first things I closed up and denied myself when things started down this road was my pain/pleasure connection. Instead of allowing myself to feel it, I shut it down, rejected it and in some cases quit early just so I didn’t have to feel it. In part, I believe, is that I didn’t think I deserved to feel good. I was so down on myself that the only thing I knew was misery and for some weird reason it was comforting at the time. I hope that I can experience more pain that I did before – purely because I find it quite pleasurable. I’d like to know where this new sensation takes me and I want to know how far it goes.
Feelings are changing. I’m enjoying being happy. I’m finding reasons to be happy and while I’m still down some days and outright depressed on others, it isn’t a perpetual feeling.
Let’s think happy. Always happy.