I’ve been doing a lot of self work when I’m home on the weekends and this weekend was no different. I’ve been focusing my efforts on a few things that I know I need to work on but also trying to revive that submission I know is in me.
Well today, while doing some exercises meant to help you focus your submissive mindset something in me just clicked. It’s like when the AC is just turned on, you hear that click from the thermostat and then the whoosh of the fans. I feel all tingly and excited. I feel at peace with the conflict I’ve been battling.
I just had to tell someone. KM’s gets distant when I bring up my submissive feelings still so I’m working to perfect myself for the someday I hope will happen. It’s rough but I know I can do it because so many of my submissive friends do it too. Nurture your submissive spark any way you can until the Dominant you were meant to be with wants to scoop it up and enjoy it.
So what was I doing when the realization overcame me? I was doing a relatively simple activity about what submission means to me and the importance of it in my life. If any of you have followed me for years, know that I used to identify as a slave. When I did so, something about it changed me in ways that lead, in part, to this crash. For some reason, I had a lot of misconceptions about what a slave was or should be and I shoehorned me into it and completely disregarded who I was before. I stopped being fun and playful. I stopped being social and carefree. I was boring and dull and questioning. I doubted not only my own ability but the abilities of my Dominant. I stopped being the “me” he fell in love with.
I’m beginning to be more myself than I have in years and it’s so refreshing. I’m doing things that make me happy and fulfill me. While I know I would still love a Dominant to serve (and have one picked out already so don’t contact me) I know that I’m not completely lost on my own.
I’m no longer trying to be submissive. I AM SUBMISSIVE. I’m no longer trying to be obedient. I AM OBEDIENT. I’m no longer pushing back and questioning. I AM COMPLIANT.
With these realizations all, I have to do now if fulfill them to the best of my ability and show KM that this part of the broken me that failed him years ago is recovered, almost brand new and ready for testing. It’s a brand new world and I have a lot of things that I used to not want to do that I want to get out and do. I have a lot of things I’d like to experience that only submission with a Dominant who accepts all of me, even while I still work to fix the other parts of me.
I feel I’m ready. Finally ready. No more doubts, or questions about whether I am submissive or that the feelings are fleeting. This is real. OMG it’s real. I’m the happiest I’ve been with myself in a very, very long time.