Need to Worship

So the last time I wrote about my personal journey I had rediscovered my submission completely by accident and had one of my best days in a long time, only to realize that since I had no one to submit to right away I was in a conundrum. It’s not quite like I am single and have no one around to submit to, I have a husband that would like to be my Dom again someday but isn’t ready to take on the responsibility of having me as his submissive again yet. So that new joyous feeling of finding my submission is fraught with anxiety and frustration.

KM and I had a talk and he listened to my concerns and while he’s not ready for me to submit to him again he understands where I am and that while he’s not ready to accept me we can’t change what has happened in me.

I’m not to pressure him into being dominant and if I am acting submissive it comes with the caveat that he’s not likely to reciprocate right now. I’m struggling. There’s so much I want to do, to offer and to be obedient when called upon it and there’s nothing I can do about it.

Good news is that KM does want me to submit to him again, at some point in the future. Bad news, he has no clue when he’ll be ready for that to happen. Until that moment submissive moments are of my own making and without any assistance from him. It’s not quite like submitting in a vacuum because he can detect when I’m submissive and sometimes will allow me to feed that impulse in whatever way I can.

Like today. I’ve felt so submissive today and strangely enamored with KM’s feet. Feet have never been something interesting to me, but today all I wanted to do was shower them with love, worship them, kiss them, caress them and be near them. I asked KM if it was okay and he said it was fine. While I was worshiping his feet he even smiled and made appreciative sounds. It helped a lot and made me feel good about myself and who I was at that moment. Honored to be at his feet.

I wrote a status update here today as well, “You ever get days that the submissive mindset is just so deep that everything you think of and do you almost vibrate internally? It just feels like I’m going to overflow anyway. I can’t explain it.” I still feel that way and while it does pain me, I hope that feeling sticks around because it feels like the real me, the “me” that’s been hiding and chained for so long.

I have so much to work on besides my submission and I’m doing so but that progress is slow, like watching ice melt in the winter.

Now, there are lovely moments going on in our relationship. He’s more playful and interested in sexy stuff. We are happy more often and arguing less. I really do feel like our relationship is better than it was just months ago. I feel it will continue as long as I keep working on a better me.

I’m embracing my sexuality more and more with the help of my slut training that I’m currently doing on my own. I’m exploring casual sex outside of our marriage and may have found at least one fuck buddy to do that with. I’m enjoying how sexually stimulated I am and how desirable I feel. All the time.

Here’s to progress and internal work.

Something “Clicked” Today

I’ve been doing a lot of self work when I’m home on the weekends and this weekend was no different. I’ve been focusing my efforts on a few things that I know I need to work on but also trying to revive that submission I know is in me.

Well today, while doing some exercises meant to help you focus your submissive mindset something in me just clicked. It’s like when the AC is just turned on, you hear that click from the thermostat and then the whoosh of the fans. I feel all tingly and excited. I feel at peace with the conflict I’ve been battling.

I just had to tell someone. KM’s gets distant when I bring up my submissive feelings still so I’m working to perfect myself for the someday I hope will happen. It’s rough but I know I can do it because so many of my submissive friends do it too. Nurture your submissive spark any way you can until the Dominant you were meant to be with wants to scoop it up and enjoy it.

So what was I doing when the realization overcame me? I was doing a relatively simple activity about what submission means to me and the importance of it in my life. If any of you have followed me for years, know that I used to identify as a slave. When I did so, something about it changed me in ways that lead, in part, to this crash. For some reason, I had a lot of misconceptions about what a slave was or should be and I shoehorned me into it and completely disregarded who I was before. I stopped being fun and playful. I stopped being social and carefree. I was boring and dull and questioning. I doubted not only my own ability but the abilities of my Dominant. I stopped being the “me” he fell in love with.

I’m beginning to be more myself than I have in years and it’s so refreshing. I’m doing things that make me happy and fulfill me. While I know I would still love a Dominant to serve (and have one picked out already so don’t contact me) I know that I’m not completely lost on my own.

I’m no longer trying to be submissive. I AM SUBMISSIVE. I’m no longer trying to be obedient. I AM OBEDIENT. I’m no longer pushing back and questioning. I AM COMPLIANT.

With these realizations all, I have to do now if fulfill them to the best of my ability and show KM that this part of the broken me that failed him years ago is recovered, almost brand new and ready for testing. It’s a brand new world and I have a lot of things that I used to not want to do that I want to get out and do. I have a lot of things I’d like to experience that only submission with a Dominant who accepts all of me, even while I still work to fix the other parts of me.

I feel I’m ready. Finally ready. No more doubts, or questions about whether I am submissive or that the feelings are fleeting. This is real. OMG it’s real. I’m the happiest I’ve been with myself in a very, very long time.