I’ve been living a lie. Since my early teens when my father would hit me and yell at me, and my mother would belittle me and tell me I’m worthless I’ve learned a lot of really bad behaviors. Things that are now and probably always have, impacted my relationships. I’ve been lying to myself that I’m over it and that the past won’t control me.
I’ve been reading a book lately to help me break free from the bad behaviors and learn better ones because being healthy is something I am striving for in my life.
Well, an ah-ha moment this weekend may have elevated my self-work for the first time in quite a while. I’ve never really overcome my childhood. I still wear it around my neck like a yoke, drag it out when the situation calls for it and blame it for what I’m doing now and how I behave now.
I’m still acting a victim.
I don’t want to be a victim. As a victim, I’d be inflicted with pain and insecurity at a moment’s notice whenever things got too hard to handle. With my own feelings of pain and insecurity, I’m lashing out at others in order to try and protect what sense of normalcy that I’m letting in.
I need to be a survivor. A survivor will recognize the false reactions, the bad behaviors and own them, change them and make the situation work for them. The past will not control them.
The past must not control me. It must not corrupt my relationships anymore. I have a long road ahead, but knowing where this is coming from and finally owning up to it is helping. I know I’ve said it before that my childhood is to blame, but laying blame and actually doing something to overcome it are very different. I have a lot of grieving to do for the loss of my childhood, but at the end of it, I hope to come out as someone who is stronger, more independent and kinder to the people in my life.
I will find what makes me happy, for me and do it. I know that I want a social life with people that enjoy being around me and so I will seek out friendships. I’m already working on my physical health, but I’ll work harder at it. I will work to re-start the Submissive Forums here in the area, even if submission is hard for me. It will be a support group not only for me but for all the men and women in the area. I will work hard to make my life’s work and passion viable as a career, I’ll stop letting it flounder. I will show KnyghtMare that I really do accept his polyamory and I do not judge his kinks that I don’t understand. I will live to understand them. I promise to show him that his sharing his life with me is the best thing in the world and I want to go on doing so.
I will be a survivor. A survivor of life’s hell I’ve been dished. I will be able to celebrate the joy I’ve been given instead of constantly worrying about the possible end of joy. I will stop tiptoeing and start walking confidently.
I will need your help, all of you. I’ll need encouragement if you see me hesitate. I’ll need friendship if you desire a friend and I’ll want love. I promise I’ll return the favors given.
Help me say goodbye to the victim.