New Year for a New You: Day 2 #yby2018

This is day 2 of Lisa Jacobs Annual Review. You can find the details on her site, Marketing Creativity.

Today’s 10 Questions:

What was time wasted this year?

I spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself and completely absorbed in depression. I really dislike that I spent so much time feeling that way. I distanced myself from any support system I could have had and it wasn’t helpful to the situation.  I hope that this more positive mood that I’m feeling now will continue to rise and that I’ll be even better in 2018.
 
What was money wasted this year?

Well, it’s hard to waste money when you don’t have any, so I’d have to say we did pretty good making sure money went where it needed to this year. Next year looks more promising, so we’ll have to keep an eye on frivolous (me, especially) spending. Gotta catch up with bills, debts and making a better life for ourselves before we can enjoy the extras.
 
What was the biggest challenge you faced this year?

The biggest challenge I faced this year was coming face to face with how I had changed, how I had mistreated KnyghtMare for a long, long time and realizing that submission had become just a word I liked to hear and nothing important to me as a person.  Submission used to mean something to me and I had forgotten what that was.
 
If anything, what would you change about how you handled that challenge?

I would have reached out for more support I think. I closed myself off instead. I withdrew from social interaction, hardly interacting with KnyghtMare for a time and barely existed. I think my shock, depression, and anxiety over what I had done would have been less if I had reached out for help.
 
Are you ending the year with any unfinished business?

Yes, I have a lot of things that I had hoped to accomplish this year that didn’t get done but nothing that had a deadline so I can pick them up and re-aim myself at them in 2018.
 
Are there any outstanding goals you’d like to let go of?

I’m going to have to let go of the idea of moving this year. We just signed the lease for the next year so we’re here until August ’19 now.  Hopefully, by that time, we’ll have picked up financially and can afford the home we want. We hate living here, but at least we can make it work without feeling too cramped.
 
What was your worst setback in 2017?

Mid-April when KnyghtMare asked for his collar back. I was already depressed after January’s realization of why I was treating KnyghtMare so poorly and my resolve to never do that again and then to have the collar removed (and my subsequent understanding that my connection with my submission was hollow) caused a giant crash; spiritually and emotionally.
 
Which bad habits or unhealthy patterns did you engage in that you’d like to give up once and for all?

Mindless eating and wasting time on the internet. I’d like to re-learn how to focus on work and productivity and less on unhealthy comforts and distractions. No more avoidance. I need to face things head on if I want to improve and succeed in 2018.
 
What or who held you back this year? Did anything make you shrink into yourself or feel defensive about your dreams?

I’ve talked about this already in the answers above but I held myself back and I put up walls without doors for a long time this year. I didn’t want to face what I had done, nor how to fix it. I’m done with that. It’s time to work on positive change.
 
How did you hold yourself back this year? Which beliefs | ideas | excuses stopped you from pushing forward?

I believed that I deserved to feel depressed, horrible, fat and ugly because of how I had been treating KnyghtMare for years. I was punishing myself and that has to come to an end. I’m pushing forward this year to make the changes that will stay with me and elevate me back into a position that I’m proud to be in.

–lunaKM

New Year for a New You: Day 1 #yby2018

This is day 1 of Lisa Jacobs Annual Review. You can find the details on her site, Marketing Creativity.

Today’s 10 Questions:

What was time very well spent this year?

This year, I think the best time spent was working on the new version of Submissive Guide. I’m very happy with the outcome and the resulting compliments from readers has really nailed home that it was a good change. KM is happy with his first version and is already working on the 2nd version (just upgrades).  Making the improvements that we did, not only gave me more freedom in what I choose to devote my time to for work, but it also made it easier to maintain, far less stressful on the servers and RESPONSIVE! This is the first time in 8 years that the site has looked good on mobile devices and with over 60% of my readers viewing the site on a tablet or mobile phone that was a serious need. Yay!

What was money very well spent this year?

Hm, this is a tough one because even though we’ve had some great changes in the business, KM hasn’t been able to pick up as much work as he used to so money is still allocated to necessities.  I think the best bang for our buck has been with keeping Netflix, Amazon Prime (for video) and Crunchyroll. Just having a variety of TV to watch has saved our sanity many evenings when were so stir crazy and had no available cash to go out.

What are your favorite memories of 2017?

One of my favorite memories was going to see Pentatonix in August at the Illinois State Fair with Lexi. Pentatonix is my all-time favorite singing group and I knew I wanted to see them before Avi left the group. Hanging out with Lexi was wonderful and I do wish we lived closer so that it could happen more often but I really do treasure the time we had. The concert was great too! Lexi is a fan of them as well and we were singing along with everyone else in the stadium.

We also stopped at Lincoln’s tomb on the way home that morning and it was a powerful moment for me; more than I thought it would be. Being at the memorial was something I had always wanted to do. It’s something I’ll keep in my memory forever.

What did you accomplish or complete this year?

Other than the aforementioned new site debut I don’t feel that I accomplished much of anything. It’s been a really tough year with the loss of KM’s collar and the crushing blow of a change in our relationship. Not to mention my sense of helplessness and insecurity surrounding submission and my detachment from it all.  I think I’d have to say an accomplishment would be that I stuck it out and didn’t give up. I figured out some of what was causing our issues and I continue to work on them every day with peace and patience and an open mind.

Did you make any progress on long-term goals?

Long term goals? Nope. I’ve had a long long-term goal of losing weight. This is the year, as always, that I  hope that changes.

What felt successful about the year, as a whole?

The end of the year is better than the beginning, is that a success? I  hope that it continues to improve.

Did you overcome any obstacles or mental blocks this year?

I encountered obstacles, that’s for sure. Have I overcome them? Not yet, but I’m working on them. The first obstacle is the breakdown of our marriage. It didn’t fail, but we were really close to the end for a while. The 2nd large obstacle is the removal of my collar and the realization that I had lost connection with what submission means to me and the purpose of it in my life. It’s still pretty lost but I am working on it because I want it back, so badly.

What did you learn about yourself after all that happened in 2017?

I learned that I’m more resilient than I thought. Much of the late Spring/early Summer  I spent in such deep depression that I didn’t think I’d get out of it. I’ve been through a lot of stressful things in my life this year and through all of it, I can see improvement now and I’m not giving up. They have shown me that I’m worth it and I can fight to be the person I’m supposed to be and that even though I didn’t think a change was possible, I can do it.

Who nurtured or supported you most this year?

KnyghtMare did, most definitely. Even though I caused him such stress and grief he was still the one that helped me stand on my own two feet and deal with my issues in a way that was healthy and positive. I can never thank him enough for loving me and trusting me and being there when others would have abandoned me as a lost cause.

Who did you enjoy nurturing and supporting?

I’ve been slowly taking steps into obedience again recently and offering my services to KnyghtMare when I can really connect to them. In October I asked to be his coffee slut again which he agreed to but doesn’t use all the time. I still love making his coffee and bringing it to him. There are a few other things that I’ve asked to start doing again that help me feel more connected to him and hopefully over time I will begin to see my submission in a light that I can embrace once more.

–lunaKM