Last night, KnyghtMare asked me to be his submissive again! I had been hoping that my changes and progress on myself was making it evident that I can be a better person and worthy submissive for him. And now I can say that I am!

We had gone out for the night to a hotel that had a hot tub in the suite to celebrate our wedding anniversary and were laying in bed and he told me how proud he was of my progress and that I’m amazing (blush) and said he wanted me to be his submissive again if I’m ready.

I’m ready. As I said, I had been hoping that I had changed enough and worked hard enough to be a better person that it would bleed over into D/s as well.

So what’s our D/s like? We don’t know yet. There’s a lot of conversation that has to happen to figure all that out so once I know I’ll likely share it for archive purposes.

A collar also needs to be purchased. KM had held onto the old eternity collar I had worn but I held it this morning to decide if I wanted to put that one back on and it caused a turmoil of feelings and tears. I think it’s got history I don’t want to bring into my new life with KnyghtMare so he agreed that I could have a new one.

I’m so happy right now. I don’t know what my life as his submissive will be like yet, but I know that I’m ready to explore and see where he will take me.

Love you Sir!


PS: Another event happened yesterday that I want to share…

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Changing and Grief

May was tough. Max’s death has been really hard on me and just thinking about how hard it is makes me tear up. The self-talk I have about it isn’t the best. I keep saying, he was a cat, you should be able to get over it, I shouldn’t be so affected. But honestly, everyone I’ve talked to; from KnyghtMare to my therapist tells me that what I’m experiencing is perfectly normal and accepted. I should learn to accept that my grief is going to be whatever it’s going to be. I need to stop fighting it.

I still feel like if I turn around I’ll see him laying in his spot on the bed, or I’ll hear his meow in my sleep and it wakes me up. I know he’s not here, but I want him to be and so I may be creating moments in my head that he could potentially be there. He’s just out of sight, or earshot, he lives in my dreams or if I close my eyes. I miss him.

In happier news, KnyghtMare and I celebrate 8 years married next week. It feels impossible knowing how we’ve struggled in recent years, but I feel like our relationship has improved immensely in the last 5 months. Maybe it’s because I’m feeling better, but there’s just something that feels so good about us. I want to keep nurturing and watching it grow.

We’re doing a lot more that has a kink or power exchange feel to it, testing the waters, exploring more than we have in a long time. I’m able to express things I’d like to try and not feel uncomfortable with that, and I’m having a great time learning about being a hu-cow, what’s involved with stretching my nipples so they are elongated permanently and all things anal and large objects. I feel sexual and that’s a powerful thing.

I’m feeling like I’m finding who I am and really capturing my personal identity for the first time in probably 5 years. That will take time. I know that a lot of my identity comes from submission and it is likely the key to figuring out what else is a part of my identity. That’s the hard work my therapist and I are working on, my self worth and value.

So, there’s an update on me.


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Maximus Passed Away

I’ve waited a bit too write about this so that I could not dwell on the loss of my beloved cat too much, but give him a sweet celebration of his life.

Maximus circa 2011

Max was 18 years old. He was diagnosed with Chronic Kidney Disease three years ago. CKF is terminal. So I’ve known for a long time that he was going to leave us in that way. Almost two years ago he also developed diabetes which made monitoring his kidneys difficult. At that time I decided to treat the diabetes until he declined to a point it was affecting his quality of life.

About 6 weeks ago his decline was evident but I had convinced myself that as long as he was eating he was fine. He was not fine. He lost more weight and he couldn’t keep any food in his system long enough to do good. He was starving.

Two weeks ago I made the painful decision to end his suffering. One week ago I said goodbye. I hurt. My closest fuzzy companion of 17 years is gone.

Without the amazing support of KnyghtMare I don’t know how I’d be today. He’s been a wonderful shoulder to cry on, very supportive when I need to talk and receptive to my need to just cry. I’m so grateful for his love every single day.

My Memories of Maximus

I thought I’d share with you some lovely memories I have of Maximus so you can share in the joy and love his life gave me.

  • He was my shadow, always needing to be near me. When I left the room he would follow in short order. If he was asleep when I left the room, once he woke he would meow until I called for him.
  • He preferred to play with toys in secret. If he was caught in the act, he’d stop. You could hear him chirping and playing from the other room.
  • When the food alarm rang (yes I had an alarm), he’d run to the bowl straight away and then back to me and “tell” me to hurry up. Then he’d run back to the bowl.
  • He LOVED green olives.
  • Max loved small shiny objects like silver nail polish bottles, jewelry, tin foil, and coins. He would hoard them all around the house.
  • He wouldn’t eat the green pieces of the dry cat food. He’d munch around them and leave them behind.
  • He had a very set routine for the day and rarely deviated. After dinner was cuddle time with me and he insisted on it. I started calling it “me and Max” time.
  • Maximus was my sleeping companion. He’d park himself next to me up by my shoulder and he was always there. Nap time, bedtime, he was down for sleeping with Mommy.

Rest in peace Maximus. Mommy will always love you.


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I Never Thought I’d Say It: Moo

A more recent development in my submissive life has been finding that I really enjoy being called a cow and having my body referenced as a cow. More specifically, I’m a fat cow and I have udders instead of breasts. I am still a fuck slut but the cow thing is new, interesting and gives me some interesting feelings.

First, the idea of body modification where I’d have longer nipples is extremely exciting and sexually appealing to me. I’ve always wanted nipples that were larger and more pronounced. I have flat nipples so unless I’m turned on they aren’t visible. I love the look of nipples being visible under clothing. It’s just so sexy to me. Well, I’ve come across people who have modified their nipples over time with suction, pumping and nipple bands. I’m all over that! For the people that I’ve discovered on FetLife, the process took at least a year for their results so it’s not a short term process. It also was painful, uncomfortable and lead to sensitive nipples. All things I am willing to endure if my nipples will change shape!

I am fat, I will likely always be fat even though I’m working to lose weight. So being called a fat cow was an interesting micro-evolution. KM was calling me a pig until recently and that just didn’t fit well. I didn’t like it and really just shrugged off his use of it. I started to think about it more as he used it more often and decided that I might like another animal reference and through reflection “cow” came up and it clicked. Yes, I know it’s a derogatory term for someone who is fat and for some reason that is part of why it feels right. It’s hard to explain but when I brought it to KM he was very open to it. So, through trials during sex play, it’s working. It works for me and it clearly works for him. It’s mildly humiliating for me but also somehow a huge turn on. Especially when it has to do with my breasts and the idea that I will have udders and nipples that he’ll be able to torment.

I’m also very interested in breast augmentation in the form of saline infusions. I’ve had one a long time ago and it was wonderful. I loved it! If I could make my breasts big and heavy and full on a regular basis (with longer, pointier nipples) I would love it. I would feel more sexually appealing and I’d be even closer to his perfect fat cow. It’s not cheap to do saline infusions. From getting the supplies, learning how to do it via a drip and the time it will take (over an hour each time) make it limiting right now. But what my life may be like in the future, who knows! It may become part of my tasks to work my nipples bigger and longer and to fill my breasts so they are heavy and full.

We aren’t interested in inducing lactation so I won’t be a dairy cow. But I am working on stretching my holes so they are big and can take large objects (like a bull, heh). I’d also really find it hot to do pussy pumping also, make my genitals big and puffy and swollen. It could work well with the idea of a human cow and fuck slut.

I’ve even chuckled at the idea of getting a cartilage piercing in my ear so I can wear a ownership tag like cows do now. No branding, but a cutting would rock. KM mentioned that shah had a cow bell and that maybe I should have one too. So the play ideas and role behaviors are growing. Who knows what will happen but I’m looking forward to figuring it out!


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It’s Been a Long Time

I’ve not written here in a long time, but it’s not for the lack of things I could talk about. I’ve been through a lot since my last post. A lot of ups and downs. It’s not really something I wish to record with any permanence so I am going to just share some of the good that has come out of the past few months.

KnyghtMare and I are connecting again. It’s feeling pretty good and I hope it continues. The tension between us has slowly dissolved and that’s a great thing. We’re having fun again, we’re interacting as a couple again and though everything we are breathing the love back into our marriage.

We’re also playing again. It’s a newer development but I’ve been enjoying the marks, bruises, aches and pains I’ve received. The pleasant reminders are wonderful, but what’s more fantastic is the power exchange we have is like a drug and I am so addicted. He knows exactly how to bring out the best in me. I can’t wait to see how far I can go with his direction.

I’m going to therapy to work on the mental issues that got me to my lowest low and into this problem in the first place. We’ve been on a long journey and I reached a point that self-help didn’t work. But therapy is helping. Really helping. I am beginning to feel better, feel normal.

My future is blossoming. I’m going to enjoy it.


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My First Hot Towel Shave Service for Sir

I’ve almost always shaved Sir’s face, especially since I asked for him to grow out his hair so that I could enjoy it. But it’s been perfunctory over the bathroom sink, nothing more.

Two weeks ago, Sir mused that he’d like it to be more of a pampering experience and I grabbed at the chance to make it more special. I knew I would not be using a straight razor and had to make do with what we had on hand until we could purchase more shaving specific supplies but I think I made it work.

First I laid a towel around his chest to protect his body from hot water and to catch hair. I did a hot towel treatment. I have barber towels coming in the mail so I used a handtowel tonight. Got it nice and steamy in the microwave and laid it on his face just so.

While he was enjoying the steam, I set to work preparing the razor, opening the bottles for aftershave, beard oil and shave cream and setting up my fingertip towel to keep my hands dry.

Then, I took off the hot towel and laid a dry washcloth on top of the apron towel to dab excess water off of the razor. Lathered the shave cream and massaged it into the bristles. I learned you need to do that to exfoliate and to lift the hair up away from the skin for easier shaving.

Then I started shaving, slowly, carefully. The light isn’t perfect but it was a lot easier to see with him sitting in the kitchen. I still have to learn how best to place my fingers to pull the skin taught without him feeling jabbed, choked or uncomfortable. I was determined to enjoy this too, so I took my time, focused on each step; rinse the razor, dab the razor, long downward strokes and then repeat.

Once his face was shaved, I wiped up the remaining shave cream and combed his mustache and goatee for trimming. That’s pretty difficult with the angles I have to get so I definitely need to work on that.

Then, it’s time for the cold towel treatment. You use the same hot towel as earlier if you don’t have a 2nd one standing by and you shake it briskly several times, it drops the temperature of the damp towel by several degrees and then apply it like the hot towel. This will close the pores.

Lastly, I applied after shave lotion and beard oil. This is an opportunity for me to learn a bit of face massage but I haven’t yet.

All done! It felt so good to be doing it for him, Sir looked far more relaxed and enjoying himself and I got a really good service high from it. It was like I was tuned into his pleasure and more focused that I have been recently.

To buy yet will be a badger brush and bowl set along with a handheld mirror. I’d like to use shaving bar instead of cream in a can as it’s supposed to lather better and it will feel more like a ritual for me to prepare.

I quite enjoyed it. I can’t wait to do it again! Who knew I’d enjoy this as much as I did!


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Not Ready

I’m not submissive material yet. I have a long way to go, apparently. And even if I was his submissive today nothing would change. It’s a hard pill to swallow.

So I guess, it’s this: he’s considered me and deemed me not ready.

I feel defeated. I feel worthless. I feel unimportant. I had put so much into the potential of a D/s relationship with KM again that I had lost sight of me. And now, I don’t know if or when he’ll want me to be his submissive. If I’ll ever be good enough.

A lot has happened in the past week, things I don’t care to talk about here. But I know that I have a lot of healing ahead of me too, personal introspection and growth. I’ve lost sight of me and while I know there are things I want and need, I don’t know who I am and can’t figure out how to get those things while I’m still in the dark. But I just have this feeling that having some of my needs and desires met would help me while I healed. How do I do that when KM isn’t willing? How do I still give him time to heal and figure out what he wants of us?

I have a lot of things I need in my life now that the submissive me has been awakened. I’m also a lot kinkier and craving sexy things that are also just sitting there in wait. I feel like I’m missing out on fun, on joy, on pleasure, and on adventure. I’m not sure what to do about it right now, but I know I can’t go on denying them. I have to find some way to embrace what I need so that I can continue moving towards a better relationship with KM that hopefully will be D/s someday while still respecting what KM needs to continue healing as well. It’s a really difficult road ahead.

I know KM loves me and I know he understands that I’m going through a rough patch. But I hope he doesn’t give up on me. I hope he keeps thinking of me as his someday submissive and allows me to express myself. We’ve not done a lot of talking with each other recently, it’s been a lot of talking at each other. I’m not sure anyone understands what I mean.

While KM has said on numerous occasions that he wants me as his submissive again someday, the things I want and need aren’t things he is interested in right now or anymore. I don’t know. Does this mean that to be with him, I have to give up what I want and need? He’d never accept that. I’d never be happy. It’s all so up in the air right now.

I need to heal and I need to do it as quickly as possible. I’m so tired of my life being on hold, of not living fully, not doing everything I want to be doing and want to be doing it with. I’m so tired of waiting for my life to start. I wish I could just get back into it. End the intermission already. We can relearn as we go along. Please. I just need a chance.


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This is a hard lesson for me right now.
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