Drowning in Negative Self-Talk

I’m drowning. I can’t shut off all the negative self-talk in my head lately. I know it’s false though because I can’t find anything to prove it’s valid thinking, but it still won’t go away.

One moment it’s that I’m fat and ugly and no one would be interested in me sexually. Next moment I feel like I’m a terrible submissive and I’ll never be a good one so why bother even thinking it. Don’t enjoy your collar because you’re destined to lose it and KM in the process. It’s just a matter of time. I don’t deserve to be happy. The reason KM doesn’t want to do the sexy things with me is that I’m still so unattractive. He has someone else for the kinky stuff so he doesn’t feel like doing it with me is necessary. I should just stop suggesting the fun stuff I want to do, it’s annoying him or falling on deaf ears.

I want to say again that I know these things are false, they have no basis in fact. But for the life of me, I can’t stop hearing them. And they make me feel horrible because the work I have to go through to disprove them in my head isn’t an instant process. So, I’ve been feeling pretty miserable. I know KM has noticed. He’s asked me a few times how I am. There’s nothing he can do to help me with them.

I just want normal. I want happy. I want things to be enjoyable again. This summer has sucked so bad and I wish it were over already.


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New Jewelry and a Foundation

Last week KnyghtMare put his new collar on me. It’s a lovely Sterling Silver chain and I couldn’t be happier.

We’ve had a little talk to establish our foundation, a place where everything will build from. I think I needed that talk for a while now because having it gave me a sense of purpose and direction, something I don’t think I’d felt in a long while.

We’re pretty much starting over and the rules and protocol that have been added organically over the past 6 months or so are where we’re starting from. I know what he would like our relationship to look like in broad strokes and I feel like I could definitely fill that role well.

I have a lot of sexy, kinky, playful aspirations that are rolling around in my head and I can’t wait to do them! But I agree with KnyghtMare that we need to have a solid foundation in place before we add to many of the extras on top. I suppose it’s a lot like frenzy. I’ve worked so hard on improving myself and making the steps to be a better person, and then to earn his collar again I just want to dive in feet first and do it all right now!

He’s right to keep me reigned in and my patience will be rewarded.

One of my first added protocol is related to something I requested. On the weekends, when he’s with shah, I feel very disconnected with him and wanted something that would help me feel like I was doing something for him and myself that would connect me with him. So, I now have a daily meditation time in the morning where I am to sit or kneel and focus on being his slave and what that means. He’s left it pretty open-ended for now and I can reflect on anything I’d like during my time in meditation. Once I’ve completed it, I am to tell him that it is finished.

It’s helped. This weekend was the first time I had the opportunity to see if it made me feel more connected to him when we’re apart and while it didn’t close the miles, it did help keep things in perspective and remind me that I’m his slave whether he’s with me or not.

I hope it continues being something that will nurture me.

So, I’m relighting my soul a bit, breathing life into submission that wasn’t there for an extremely long time. I’m finding that there’s so much about myself and how I wish to submit that I had restricted for no reason at all or for the wrong reasons. I’m undoing those chains and seeing where the new road takes me.


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Stop Standing Still

I’m doing okay. Since my father and I hadn’t seen each other for 10 years the pain of his loss is different and muted somewhat. I’m looking for normalcy at this point and desperately crave things to just function as they should, I want to move forward in my life. Not just sit still. I’ve been sitting still for so long.

Being newly recollared and not having had the chance to even talk about what that might mean for our future is driving me insane. I know why we’ve not talked about it. Dad stuff came up just days afterward.

KnyghtMare has been amazing in his continued support even though I know he’s taxed himself. He’s given of himself almost constantly since mid-May. I know he needs to take care of himself before he can even begin to think about what our relationship could become.

I’m just antsy for the next step. I think anyone would be.

I’ve got a few collar ideas that I keep looking at, waiting for it to be the right time for him to look at them, give his input and maybe pick one of them. I’d like to move out of this old collar soon.

It’s just a waiting game.


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Dad is Gone

I thought because I didn’t have a relationship with my dad, that I wouldn’t have a need to grieve. I was so wrong!

“… my dad was an asshole, too. But it didn’t make it any easier to bury him. ‘Cause I was also burying any chance that he might miraculously turn into a different person. ” – Jessica Jones S3:10

I’m grieving the father I wanted, the one I needed. The one he could never be. I’m wishing he had changed for the better, that in one of the many “last chances” I gave him, he showed me he had left behind the hateful, manipulative, abusive self and found someone I could get to know. But he didn’t. And so I’m left with a wound that never healed, that I tried to heal on my own for years.

I don’t know which direction my grief will take me, but I hope there is peace, in the end.

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Death is Strange

It’s just one thing after another around here. Most people who believe in superstitions say that bad things happen in threes. If that’s the case, I’ve just had my third thing appear.

On Father’s Day, I found out that my estranged father is dying. He entered hospice this weekend with stage 4 Leukemia. He has 4 weeks at best.

I’ve got so many emotions swirling around, none of them good. We’re estranged because he was abusive to me as a child and from the second-hand stories from his stepchildren, and the journals of his no deceased 2nd wife, he never stopped being an evil man.

But he isn’t the only thing that is a disaster about this. My sister is a money-grubbing, sleazy bitch who doesn’t seem to be respecting that Dad is a person at all. She’s in the process of cleaning out and selling his property and has already contacted his life insurance to push out a check to her. It’s so callous and feels wrong. He is an evil person but he’s still a human being who is dying.

I told my aunt, his sister that I was not going to be in contact with him. That nothing good would come from seeing him “one last time” so there was no reason for me to drudge up my childhood now. She thought it would “help” if she recorded a message from him when she went to visit and sent it to me.

So, I spent much of the last week feeling triggered because not only did my aunt not respect my wishes, but his message did nothing to atone, or apologize or anything. Just the same bullshit, different day. At least it reaffirmed my decision not to see him was the right one. I just wish my aunt had respected my decision.

My mother has been amazingly respectful in all this. She and I have a strained relationship as well, but has fully respected my decision not to have contact with my father, and when she talked with him, never even brought me up. She’s winning points for that with KnyghtMare as well.

I don’t know if I’m going to the funeral. I’ve been to therapy already once to get some thoughts sorted out. I go again this week. There’s just so many messed up feelings.


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Last night, KnyghtMare asked me to be his submissive again! I had been hoping that my changes and progress on myself was making it evident that I can be a better person and worthy submissive for him. And now I can say that I am!

We had gone out for the night to a hotel that had a hot tub in the suite to celebrate our wedding anniversary and were laying in bed and he told me how proud he was of my progress and that I’m amazing (blush) and said he wanted me to be his submissive again if I’m ready.

I’m ready. As I said, I had been hoping that I had changed enough and worked hard enough to be a better person that it would bleed over into D/s as well.

So what’s our D/s like? We don’t know yet. There’s a lot of conversation that has to happen to figure all that out so once I know I’ll likely share it for archive purposes.

A collar also needs to be purchased. KM had held onto the old eternity collar I had worn but I held it this morning to decide if I wanted to put that one back on and it caused a turmoil of feelings and tears. I think it’s got history I don’t want to bring into my new life with KnyghtMare so he agreed that I could have a new one.

I’m so happy right now. I don’t know what my life as his submissive will be like yet, but I know that I’m ready to explore and see where he will take me.

Love you Sir!


PS: Another event happened yesterday that I want to share…

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Changing and Grief

May was tough. Max’s death has been really hard on me and just thinking about how hard it is makes me tear up. The self-talk I have about it isn’t the best. I keep saying, he was a cat, you should be able to get over it, I shouldn’t be so affected. But honestly, everyone I’ve talked to; from KnyghtMare to my therapist tells me that what I’m experiencing is perfectly normal and accepted. I should learn to accept that my grief is going to be whatever it’s going to be. I need to stop fighting it.

I still feel like if I turn around I’ll see him laying in his spot on the bed, or I’ll hear his meow in my sleep and it wakes me up. I know he’s not here, but I want him to be and so I may be creating moments in my head that he could potentially be there. He’s just out of sight, or earshot, he lives in my dreams or if I close my eyes. I miss him.

In happier news, KnyghtMare and I celebrate 8 years married next week. It feels impossible knowing how we’ve struggled in recent years, but I feel like our relationship has improved immensely in the last 5 months. Maybe it’s because I’m feeling better, but there’s just something that feels so good about us. I want to keep nurturing and watching it grow.

We’re doing a lot more that has a kink or power exchange feel to it, testing the waters, exploring more than we have in a long time. I’m able to express things I’d like to try and not feel uncomfortable with that, and I’m having a great time learning about being a hu-cow, what’s involved with stretching my nipples so they are elongated permanently and all things anal and large objects. I feel sexual and that’s a powerful thing.

I’m feeling like I’m finding who I am and really capturing my personal identity for the first time in probably 5 years. That will take time. I know that a lot of my identity comes from submission and it is likely the key to figuring out what else is a part of my identity. That’s the hard work my therapist and I are working on, my self worth and value.

So, there’s an update on me.


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Maximus Passed Away

I’ve waited a bit too write about this so that I could not dwell on the loss of my beloved cat too much, but give him a sweet celebration of his life.

Maximus circa 2011

Max was 18 years old. He was diagnosed with Chronic Kidney Disease three years ago. CKF is terminal. So I’ve known for a long time that he was going to leave us in that way. Almost two years ago he also developed diabetes which made monitoring his kidneys difficult. At that time I decided to treat the diabetes until he declined to a point it was affecting his quality of life.

About 6 weeks ago his decline was evident but I had convinced myself that as long as he was eating he was fine. He was not fine. He lost more weight and he couldn’t keep any food in his system long enough to do good. He was starving.

Two weeks ago I made the painful decision to end his suffering. One week ago I said goodbye. I hurt. My closest fuzzy companion of 17 years is gone.

Without the amazing support of KnyghtMare I don’t know how I’d be today. He’s been a wonderful shoulder to cry on, very supportive when I need to talk and receptive to my need to just cry. I’m so grateful for his love every single day.

My Memories of Maximus

I thought I’d share with you some lovely memories I have of Maximus so you can share in the joy and love his life gave me.

  • He was my shadow, always needing to be near me. When I left the room he would follow in short order. If he was asleep when I left the room, once he woke he would meow until I called for him.
  • He preferred to play with toys in secret. If he was caught in the act, he’d stop. You could hear him chirping and playing from the other room.
  • When the food alarm rang (yes I had an alarm), he’d run to the bowl straight away and then back to me and “tell” me to hurry up. Then he’d run back to the bowl.
  • He LOVED green olives.
  • Max loved small shiny objects like silver nail polish bottles, jewelry, tin foil, and coins. He would hoard them all around the house.
  • He wouldn’t eat the green pieces of the dry cat food. He’d munch around them and leave them behind.
  • He had a very set routine for the day and rarely deviated. After dinner was cuddle time with me and he insisted on it. I started calling it “me and Max” time.
  • Maximus was my sleeping companion. He’d park himself next to me up by my shoulder and he was always there. Nap time, bedtime, he was down for sleeping with Mommy.

Rest in peace Maximus. Mommy will always love you.


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