It’s Been a Long Time

I’ve not written here in a long time, but it’s not for the lack of things I could talk about. I’ve been through a lot since my last post. A lot of ups and downs. It’s not really something I wish to record with any permanence so I am going to just share some of the good that has come out of the past few months.

KnyghtMare and I are connecting again. It’s feeling pretty good and I hope it continues. The tension between us has slowly dissolved and that’s a great thing. We’re having fun again, we’re interacting as a couple again and though everything we are breathing the love back into our marriage.

We’re also playing again. It’s a newer development but I’ve been enjoying the marks, bruises, aches and pains I’ve received. The pleasant reminders are wonderful, but what’s more fantastic is the power exchange we have is like a drug and I am so addicted. He knows exactly how to bring out the best in me. I can’t wait to see how far I can go with his direction.

I’m going to therapy to work on the mental issues that got me to my lowest low and into this problem in the first place. We’ve been on a long journey and I reached a point that self-help didn’t work. But therapy is helping. Really helping. I am beginning to feel better, feel normal.

My future is blossoming. I’m going to enjoy it.


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My First Hot Towel Shave Service for Sir

I’ve almost always shaved Sir’s face, especially since I asked for him to grow out his hair so that I could enjoy it. But it’s been perfunctory over the bathroom sink, nothing more.

Two weeks ago, Sir mused that he’d like it to be more of a pampering experience and I grabbed at the chance to make it more special. I knew I would not be using a straight razor and had to make do with what we had on hand until we could purchase more shaving specific supplies but I think I made it work.

First I laid a towel around his chest to protect his body from hot water and to catch hair. I did a hot towel treatment. I have barber towels coming in the mail so I used a handtowel tonight. Got it nice and steamy in the microwave and laid it on his face just so.

While he was enjoying the steam, I set to work preparing the razor, opening the bottles for aftershave, beard oil and shave cream and setting up my fingertip towel to keep my hands dry.

Then, I took off the hot towel and laid a dry washcloth on top of the apron towel to dab excess water off of the razor. Lathered the shave cream and massaged it into the bristles. I learned you need to do that to exfoliate and to lift the hair up away from the skin for easier shaving.

Then I started shaving, slowly, carefully. The light isn’t perfect but it was a lot easier to see with him sitting in the kitchen. I still have to learn how best to place my fingers to pull the skin taught without him feeling jabbed, choked or uncomfortable. I was determined to enjoy this too, so I took my time, focused on each step; rinse the razor, dab the razor, long downward strokes and then repeat.

Once his face was shaved, I wiped up the remaining shave cream and combed his mustache and goatee for trimming. That’s pretty difficult with the angles I have to get so I definitely need to work on that.

Then, it’s time for the cold towel treatment. You use the same hot towel as earlier if you don’t have a 2nd one standing by and you shake it briskly several times, it drops the temperature of the damp towel by several degrees and then apply it like the hot towel. This will close the pores.

Lastly, I applied after shave lotion and beard oil. This is an opportunity for me to learn a bit of face massage but I haven’t yet.

All done! It felt so good to be doing it for him, Sir looked far more relaxed and enjoying himself and I got a really good service high from it. It was like I was tuned into his pleasure and more focused that I have been recently.

To buy yet will be a badger brush and bowl set along with a handheld mirror. I’d like to use shaving bar instead of cream in a can as it’s supposed to lather better and it will feel more like a ritual for me to prepare.

I quite enjoyed it. I can’t wait to do it again! Who knew I’d enjoy this as much as I did!


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Not Ready

I’m not submissive material yet. I have a long way to go, apparently. And even if I was his submissive today nothing would change. It’s a hard pill to swallow.

So I guess, it’s this: he’s considered me and deemed me not ready.

I feel defeated. I feel worthless. I feel unimportant. I had put so much into the potential of a D/s relationship with KM again that I had lost sight of me. And now, I don’t know if or when he’ll want me to be his submissive. If I’ll ever be good enough.

A lot has happened in the past week, things I don’t care to talk about here. But I know that I have a lot of healing ahead of me too, personal introspection and growth. I’ve lost sight of me and while I know there are things I want and need, I don’t know who I am and can’t figure out how to get those things while I’m still in the dark. But I just have this feeling that having some of my needs and desires met would help me while I healed. How do I do that when KM isn’t willing? How do I still give him time to heal and figure out what he wants of us?

I have a lot of things I need in my life now that the submissive me has been awakened. I’m also a lot kinkier and craving sexy things that are also just sitting there in wait. I feel like I’m missing out on fun, on joy, on pleasure, and on adventure. I’m not sure what to do about it right now, but I know I can’t go on denying them. I have to find some way to embrace what I need so that I can continue moving towards a better relationship with KM that hopefully will be D/s someday while still respecting what KM needs to continue healing as well. It’s a really difficult road ahead.

I know KM loves me and I know he understands that I’m going through a rough patch. But I hope he doesn’t give up on me. I hope he keeps thinking of me as his someday submissive and allows me to express myself. We’ve not done a lot of talking with each other recently, it’s been a lot of talking at each other. I’m not sure anyone understands what I mean.

While KM has said on numerous occasions that he wants me as his submissive again someday, the things I want and need aren’t things he is interested in right now or anymore. I don’t know. Does this mean that to be with him, I have to give up what I want and need? He’d never accept that. I’d never be happy. It’s all so up in the air right now.

I need to heal and I need to do it as quickly as possible. I’m so tired of my life being on hold, of not living fully, not doing everything I want to be doing and want to be doing it with. I’m so tired of waiting for my life to start. I wish I could just get back into it. End the intermission already. We can relearn as we go along. Please. I just need a chance.


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This is a hard lesson for me right now.
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Hopes and Fantasies

KnyghtMare and I are still in the consideration phase. I’m told I need to be showing him what kind of submissive I can be for him, complying with what I know his expectations are and as my displays of non-combative compliance continue he’ll make decisions for the future us.

It’s been awhile. The change in our relationship was before Thanksgiving and being in a considering phase, from what I’ve read and know of it, isn’t supposed to be a long time. Maybe it’s because I have a lot to prove. Maybe it’s because he’s just not ready and needs more time. Whatever it is, it’s caused more than a few times where I have felt frustrated. Frustrated that it will never be good enough, frustrated that he’s waiting for me to become something I’ll never get to. All over frustrated in waiting.

He’s told me that I just need to be happy where I am and be happy things are progressing. I’m happy things are progressing I really am. But I can’t be happy with how things are, or rather, I’m not content with how things are. When we hit rock bottom and my collar was removed, along with it went several of my needs fulfilled. Not to mention desires. But there are holes in what I need from him, that I know I can get from him because he used to love fulfilling those needs.

You can’t be content when you have unfulfilled needs. It’s not possible. You either have to learn to live without them, knowing you’ll be less than happy, or do your best to find them somewhere – in some cases with other people. It’s often how affairs start.

But he knows I have needs that he’s not doing anything about right now. And all I can do is wait until he’s ready to engage with me fully again. And I have to be realistic and come to terms with the potential that he’s not interested in fulfilling some of my needs any more.

As I work through these thoughts I just paint on a smile and silently hope for a better future.

Sure today is great – we’re getting along so much better than we were and I can feel us growing closer again. He’s more willing to make me aware when I’ve done something or said something that is inappropriate and I’m doing my best to really learn how to communicate effectively in the first place.

I don’t expect things to magically improve or change if I gain the place as his submissive again, but at least the door will be open to discussing my needs and trying to see them fulfilled. There are so many things I miss.

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Feeling Grateful

Today I’d like to talk about progress. I’m making progress. I know that for several years (and more before that) I was the queen of backsliding, of little progress and of pure depressive sadness. But today I feel like the world isn’t out to get me anymore, that I can make so much of my future and can enjoy myself. I’m taking my time really focusing on who I am and who I want to be, as well as the past me, and why that is not something I want to maintain anymore. It’s taken a ton of online reading and research, journaling and self-help. It’s taken hours of counseling and introspection. It’s cost KnyghtMare and I years of our marriage that we’ll never get back.

But let’s not talk about that, let’s talk about moving forward.

About three weeks ago, a change happened in my D/s status with KnyghtMare. He is now officially reconsidering me for his submissive. I’m amazed and excited to be at this place again – it shows that all the effort I’ve put into myself is paying off and he can see that I’m improving. That I have worth. That he wants me in his life, his D/s life again soon. That is just huge. So huge that I still haven’t quite figured out what the next step is. I know I need to continue working on wiping out the bad behaviors. I know I need to continue working on learning better communication and also moving past how I was raised and my childhood experiences and finally embrace a healthy adulthood.

I’m thankful that KnyghtMare has stayed with me, no matter how hard things got. And they got bad, let me tell you. But he’s still here and he kept telling me that he’s here for me and us and our future. I never had to doubt that.

So thank you KnyghtMare, for showing me that I am worth it. I will continue to learn and grow and become an authentic self, someone who doesn’t put up personal barriers for no reason, who doesn’t use her past as an excuse not to live and definitely someone who communicates in a way that nurtures relationships instead of alienating them and pushing them away.

I love you KnyghtMare. Thank you.

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More of You

I’m feeling more of you.
Not the being of you,
but that I’m connected to you symbolically
at your side.

To be at your service,
and gain pleasure from it
Has been a long road for me
A Journey filled with perils

Now, only now, do I see what I can be
for you, not because of you.
I am me, yet
the me that I am
You love, embrace and need.

Somewhere between the request
and the assent
the stillness has settled.
No objections, no questions
Only truth in trust.
This place I cherish.

Instead of needing you
to feel more me,
I know I can touch you
through me, as a part of the peace
and bliss that I nurture.

Thank you for being who you are
and not compromising
It’s forced me to turn around and look
into the mirror of my soul to find
that to have more of you, I needed more of me.

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Allowing Myself to Feel

I’m back with my self-work, trying to get my head and my life straightened around so that I’m happy and healthy and in fulfilling, nurturing relationships. Today, I’m working on my feelings. For years now, I’ve made it a habit to stuff my feelings down, to deny them and to reject them. Because the feelings I was having hurt and I didn’t want to hurt. It’s a natural response to not want to hurt, but one needs to learn how to respond to the feelings as they happen in a healthy way and I had simply made whatever was going on worse by rejecting them.

To be honest, I’ve been working on understanding my feelings since the start of my rediscovery process and I’m glad I have because it’s really opened my eyes to what the problems are and how to work through the things I can change vs. the things I can’t. It’s probably one of the reasons I find myself on the verge of tears so often, and in most cases, I just don’t know why. I think it’s just old, raw feelings coming up to the surface to be processed.

I do a lot of processing these days.

One of the things that I’m noticing as I work on allowing myself to feel is that my pain tolerance is different. While I haven’t had a chance to really test it, I’ve noticed that I’m enjoying more intense pain. I’m coming to think that one of the first things I closed up and denied myself when things started down this road was my pain/pleasure connection. Instead of allowing myself to feel it, I shut it down, rejected it and in some cases quit early just so I didn’t have to feel it. In part, I believe, is that I didn’t think I deserved to feel good. I was so down on myself that the only thing I knew was misery and for some weird reason it was comforting at the time. I hope that I can experience more pain that I did before – purely because I find it quite pleasurable. I’d like to know where this new sensation takes me and I want to know how far it goes.

Feelings are changing. I’m enjoying being happy. I’m finding reasons to be happy and while I’m still down some days and outright depressed on others, it isn’t a perpetual feeling.

Let’s think happy. Always happy.

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