Hopes and Fantasies

KnyghtMare and I are still in the consideration phase. I’m told I need to be showing him what kind of submissive I can be for him, complying with what I know his expectations are and as my displays of non-combative compliance continue he’ll make decisions for the future us.

It’s been awhile. The change in our relationship was before Thanksgiving and being in a considering phase, from what I’ve read and know of it, isn’t supposed to be a long time. Maybe it’s because I have a lot to prove. Maybe it’s because he’s just not ready and needs more time. Whatever it is, it’s caused more than a few times where I have felt frustrated. Frustrated that it will never be good enough, frustrated that he’s waiting for me to become something I’ll never get to. All over frustrated in waiting.

He’s told me that I just need to be happy where I am and be happy things are progressing. I’m happy things are progressing I really am. But I can’t be happy with how things are, or rather, I’m not content with how things are. When we hit rock bottom and my collar was removed, along with it went several of my needs fulfilled. Not to mention desires. But there are holes in what I need from him, that I know I can get from him because he used to love fulfilling those needs.

You can’t be content when you have unfulfilled needs. It’s not possible. You either have to learn to live without them, knowing you’ll be less than happy, or do your best to find them somewhere – in some cases with other people. It’s often how affairs start.

But he knows I have needs that he’s not doing anything about right now. And all I can do is wait until he’s ready to engage with me fully again. And I have to be realistic and come to terms with the potential that he’s not interested in fulfilling some of my needs any more.

As I work through these thoughts I just paint on a smile and silently hope for a better future.

Sure today is great – we’re getting along so much better than we were and I can feel us growing closer again. He’s more willing to make me aware when I’ve done something or said something that is inappropriate and I’m doing my best to really learn how to communicate effectively in the first place.

I don’t expect things to magically improve or change if I gain the place as his submissive again, but at least the door will be open to discussing my needs and trying to see them fulfilled. There are so many things I miss.

Feeling Grateful

Today I’d like to talk about progress. I’m making progress. I know that for several years (and more before that) I was the queen of backsliding, of little progress and of pure depressive sadness. But today I feel like the world isn’t out to get me anymore, that I can make so much of my future and can enjoy myself. I’m taking my time really focusing on who I am and who I want to be, as well as the past me, and why that is not something I want to maintain anymore. It’s taken a ton of online reading and research, journaling and self-help. It’s taken hours of counseling and introspection. It’s cost KnyghtMare and I years of our marriage that we’ll never get back.

But let’s not talk about that, let’s talk about moving forward.

About three weeks ago, a change happened in my D/s status with KnyghtMare. He is now officially reconsidering me for his submissive. I’m amazed and excited to be at this place again – it shows that all the effort I’ve put into myself is paying off and he can see that I’m improving. That I have worth. That he wants me in his life, his D/s life again soon. That is just huge. So huge that I still haven’t quite figured out what the next step is. I know I need to continue working on wiping out the bad behaviors. I know I need to continue working on learning better communication and also moving past how I was raised and my childhood experiences and finally embrace a healthy adulthood.

I’m thankful that KnyghtMare has stayed with me, no matter how hard things got. And they got bad, let me tell you. But he’s still here and he kept telling me that he’s here for me and us and our future. I never had to doubt that.

So thank you KnyghtMare, for showing me that I am worth it. I will continue to learn and grow and become an authentic self, someone who doesn’t put up personal barriers for no reason, who doesn’t use her past as an excuse not to live and definitely someone who communicates in a way that nurtures relationships instead of alienating them and pushing them away.

I love you KnyghtMare. Thank you.

More of You

I’m feeling more of you.
Not the being of you,
but that I’m connected to you symbolically
fully,
at your side.

To be at your service,
and gain pleasure from it
Has been a long road for me
A Journey filled with perils

Now, only now, do I see what I can be
for you, not because of you.
I am me, yet
the me that I am
You love, embrace and need.

Somewhere between the request
and the assent
the stillness has settled.
No objections, no questions
Only truth in trust.
This place I cherish.

Instead of needing you
to feel more me,
I know I can touch you
through me, as a part of the peace
and bliss that I nurture.

Thank you for being who you are
and not compromising
It’s forced me to turn around and look
into the mirror of my soul to find
that to have more of you, I needed more of me.

Allowing Myself to Feel

I’m back with my self-work, trying to get my head and my life straightened around so that I’m happy and healthy and in fulfilling, nurturing relationships. Today, I’m working on my feelings. For years now, I’ve made it a habit to stuff my feelings down, to deny them and to reject them. Because the feelings I was having hurt and I didn’t want to hurt. It’s a natural response to not want to hurt, but one needs to learn how to respond to the feelings as they happen in a healthy way and I had simply made whatever was going on worse by rejecting them.

To be honest, I’ve been working on understanding my feelings since the start of my rediscovery process and I’m glad I have because it’s really opened my eyes to what the problems are and how to work through the things I can change vs. the things I can’t. It’s probably one of the reasons I find myself on the verge of tears so often, and in most cases, I just don’t know why. I think it’s just old, raw feelings coming up to the surface to be processed.

I do a lot of processing these days.

One of the things that I’m noticing as I work on allowing myself to feel is that my pain tolerance is different. While I haven’t had a chance to really test it, I’ve noticed that I’m enjoying more intense pain. I’m coming to think that one of the first things I closed up and denied myself when things started down this road was my pain/pleasure connection. Instead of allowing myself to feel it, I shut it down, rejected it and in some cases quit early just so I didn’t have to feel it. In part, I believe, is that I didn’t think I deserved to feel good. I was so down on myself that the only thing I knew was misery and for some weird reason it was comforting at the time. I hope that I can experience more pain that I did before – purely because I find it quite pleasurable. I’d like to know where this new sensation takes me and I want to know how far it goes.

Feelings are changing. I’m enjoying being happy. I’m finding reasons to be happy and while I’m still down some days and outright depressed on others, it isn’t a perpetual feeling.

Let’s think happy. Always happy.

The Loss of Monogamy: A Many Year Grieving Process

I’m still working on me and here I am with another poignant thought in my healing process. I’m reading a book about co-dependency and tonight’s chapter was about grieving. Often, what causes co-dependents to act they way they do and develop behaviors that they have are because of changes in their reality. That loss of control and the inability to accept change is a huge loss. Often this comes from a place of addiction, but I think for myself it had a lot to do with the dreams I had in my head about what marriage was going to be like with KM. When that changed, through no control of my own, I refused to accept it. That started a downward spiral that I’m just recently coming to terms with.

I’m very obviously grieving the loss of monogamy and the exclusivity that I thought I’d have with KnyghtMare. It’s been the greatest point of contention, the place where hurtful words and phrases come from and it’s the place I’m still not at a point of acceptance for myself. I accept that KM is poly. But I have yet to accept what that means for me and my dreams and my future with him.

In re-reading about the grief process, and for those of you familiar with it, you’ll know that depending on the greatness of the loss for the person, grief can take mere moments or can last a long time. And the only way to heal is to go through it. I believe I’ve been back and forth through all the phases and not once reaching any acceptance for myself for years.

I said something to KM a few weeks ago that hurt him, but I don’t believe it was intended that way. I had finally been able to pinpoint and put my loss in words, “Sometimes I wish we were monogamous again.” I know why it hurt him, I understand that it sounds like I don’t accept that he’s poly but at the core, it was simply my own loss and that I’ve not come to terms with it yet. I haven’t fully mourned the end of monogamy and the change in our relationship (the many changes) that have come out of it.

I really do think that in his first poly relationship I was bargaining a lot. If I do threesome stuff with his other and I he’ll still want me. If I try to be friendly to them as if everything is perfect, I’ll still mean something. If I just drive myself into slavery and withdraw all personal thought, drive or opinion, maybe it won’t hurt as much. In doing this phase for so long, it killed my drive for submission (along with another incident) and now I’m here re-learning myself and trying to get through the grief so that I can finally accept this new life and find my place in it.

I envy KnyghtMare. He was able to accept this life change so much easier and has come out the better because of it. He was able to come to terms with the loss of what he knew and embraced this new self, watching me flounder in my own grief when I couldn’t even put a name to it let alone express it.

I’m not done working through my grief, but I feel like being able to know exactly what it is is helping me. I know I will never technically be monogamous again. I’ll always be the mono side of a mono-poly relationship. Figuring out who I am in all this isn’t going to be easy, but KM has shown he’s there for me and supports me. I know I will have him to cheer me on, give me a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen. Because rebirth after a loss isn’t easy, and I certainly don’t want to do it alone.

–lunaKM

Need to Worship

So the last time I wrote about my personal journey I had rediscovered my submission completely by accident and had one of my best days in a long time, only to realize that since I had no one to submit to right away I was in a conundrum. It’s not quite like I am single and have no one around to submit to, I have a husband that would like to be my Dom again someday but isn’t ready to take on the responsibility of having me as his submissive again yet. So that new joyous feeling of finding my submission is fraught with anxiety and frustration.

KM and I had a talk and he listened to my concerns and while he’s not ready for me to submit to him again he understands where I am and that while he’s not ready to accept me we can’t change what has happened in me.

I’m not to pressure him into being dominant and if I am acting submissive it comes with the caveat that he’s not likely to reciprocate right now. I’m struggling. There’s so much I want to do, to offer and to be obedient when called upon it and there’s nothing I can do about it.

Good news is that KM does want me to submit to him again, at some point in the future. Bad news, he has no clue when he’ll be ready for that to happen. Until that moment submissive moments are of my own making and without any assistance from him. It’s not quite like submitting in a vacuum because he can detect when I’m submissive and sometimes will allow me to feed that impulse in whatever way I can.

Like today. I’ve felt so submissive today and strangely enamored with KM’s feet. Feet have never been something interesting to me, but today all I wanted to do was shower them with love, worship them, kiss them, caress them and be near them. I asked KM if it was okay and he said it was fine. While I was worshiping his feet he even smiled and made appreciative sounds. It helped a lot and made me feel good about myself and who I was at that moment. Honored to be at his feet.

I wrote a status update here today as well, “You ever get days that the submissive mindset is just so deep that everything you think of and do you almost vibrate internally? It just feels like I’m going to overflow anyway. I can’t explain it.” I still feel that way and while it does pain me, I hope that feeling sticks around because it feels like the real me, the “me” that’s been hiding and chained for so long.

I have so much to work on besides my submission and I’m doing so but that progress is slow, like watching ice melt in the winter.

Now, there are lovely moments going on in our relationship. He’s more playful and interested in sexy stuff. We are happy more often and arguing less. I really do feel like our relationship is better than it was just months ago. I feel it will continue as long as I keep working on a better me.

I’m embracing my sexuality more and more with the help of my slut training that I’m currently doing on my own. I’m exploring casual sex outside of our marriage and may have found at least one fuck buddy to do that with. I’m enjoying how sexually stimulated I am and how desirable I feel. All the time.

Here’s to progress and internal work.

Something “Clicked” Today

I’ve been doing a lot of self work when I’m home on the weekends and this weekend was no different. I’ve been focusing my efforts on a few things that I know I need to work on but also trying to revive that submission I know is in me.

Well today, while doing some exercises meant to help you focus your submissive mindset something in me just clicked. It’s like when the AC is just turned on, you hear that click from the thermostat and then the whoosh of the fans. I feel all tingly and excited. I feel at peace with the conflict I’ve been battling.

I just had to tell someone. KM’s gets distant when I bring up my submissive feelings still so I’m working to perfect myself for the someday I hope will happen. It’s rough but I know I can do it because so many of my submissive friends do it too. Nurture your submissive spark any way you can until the Dominant you were meant to be with wants to scoop it up and enjoy it.

So what was I doing when the realization overcame me? I was doing a relatively simple activity about what submission means to me and the importance of it in my life. If any of you have followed me for years, know that I used to identify as a slave. When I did so, something about it changed me in ways that lead, in part, to this crash. For some reason, I had a lot of misconceptions about what a slave was or should be and I shoehorned me into it and completely disregarded who I was before. I stopped being fun and playful. I stopped being social and carefree. I was boring and dull and questioning. I doubted not only my own ability but the abilities of my Dominant. I stopped being the “me” he fell in love with.

I’m beginning to be more myself than I have in years and it’s so refreshing. I’m doing things that make me happy and fulfill me. While I know I would still love a Dominant to serve (and have one picked out already so don’t contact me) I know that I’m not completely lost on my own.

I’m no longer trying to be submissive. I AM SUBMISSIVE. I’m no longer trying to be obedient. I AM OBEDIENT. I’m no longer pushing back and questioning. I AM COMPLIANT.

With these realizations all, I have to do now if fulfill them to the best of my ability and show KM that this part of the broken me that failed him years ago is recovered, almost brand new and ready for testing. It’s a brand new world and I have a lot of things that I used to not want to do that I want to get out and do. I have a lot of things I’d like to experience that only submission with a Dominant who accepts all of me, even while I still work to fix the other parts of me.

I feel I’m ready. Finally ready. No more doubts, or questions about whether I am submissive or that the feelings are fleeting. This is real. OMG it’s real. I’m the happiest I’ve been with myself in a very, very long time.

Victim to Survivor

I’ve been living a lie. Since my early teens when my father would hit me and yell at me, and my mother would belittle me and tell me I’m worthless I’ve learned a lot of really bad behaviors. Things that are now and probably always have, impacted my relationships. I’ve been lying to myself that I’m over it and that the past won’t control me.

I’ve been reading a book lately to help me break free from the bad behaviors and learn better ones because being healthy is something I am striving for in my life.

Well, an ah-ha moment this weekend may have elevated my self-work for the first time in quite a while. I’ve never really overcome my childhood. I still wear it around my neck like a yoke, drag it out when the situation calls for it and blame it for what I’m doing now and how I behave now.

I’m still acting a victim.

I don’t want to be a victim. As a victim, I’d be inflicted with pain and insecurity at a moment’s notice whenever things got too hard to handle. With my own feelings of pain and insecurity, I’m lashing out at others in order to try and protect what sense of normalcy that I’m letting in.

I need to be a survivor. A survivor will recognize the false reactions, the bad behaviors and own them, change them and make the situation work for them. The past will not control them.

The past must not control me. It must not corrupt my relationships anymore. I have a long road ahead, but knowing where this is coming from and finally owning up to it is helping. I know I’ve said it before that my childhood is to blame, but laying blame and actually doing something to overcome it are very different. I have a lot of grieving to do for the loss of my childhood, but at the end of it, I hope to come out as someone who is stronger, more independent and kinder to the people in my life.

I will find what makes me happy, for me and do it. I know that I want a social life with people that enjoy being around me and so I will seek out friendships. I’m already working on my physical health, but I’ll work harder at it. I will work to re-start the Submissive Forums here in the area, even if submission is hard for me. It will be a support group not only for me but for all the men and women in the area. I will work hard to make my life’s work and passion viable as a career, I’ll stop letting it flounder. I will show KnyghtMare that I really do accept his polyamory and I do not judge his kinks that I don’t understand. I will live to understand them. I promise to show him that his sharing his life with me is the best thing in the world and I want to go on doing so.

I will be a survivor. A survivor of life’s hell I’ve been dished. I will be able to celebrate the joy I’ve been given instead of constantly worrying about the possible end of joy. I will stop tiptoeing and start walking confidently.

I will need your help, all of you. I’ll need encouragement if you see me hesitate. I’ll need friendship if you desire a friend and I’ll want love. I promise I’ll return the favors given.

Help me say goodbye to the victim.

–lunaKM