It’s just one thing after another around here. Most people who believe in superstitions say that bad things happen in threes. If that’s the case, I’ve just had my third thing appear.
On Father’s Day, I found out that my estranged father is dying. He entered hospice this weekend with stage 4 Leukemia. He has 4 weeks at best.
I’ve got so many emotions swirling around, none of them good. We’re estranged because he was abusive to me as a child and from the second-hand stories from his stepchildren, and the journals of his no deceased 2nd wife, he never stopped being an evil man.
But he isn’t the only thing that is a disaster about this. My sister is a money-grubbing, sleazy bitch who doesn’t seem to be respecting that Dad is a person at all. She’s in the process of cleaning out and selling his property and has already contacted his life insurance to push out a check to her. It’s so callous and feels wrong. He is an evil person but he’s still a human being who is dying.
I told my aunt, his sister that I was not going to be in contact with him. That nothing good would come from seeing him “one last time” so there was no reason for me to drudge up my childhood now. She thought it would “help” if she recorded a message from him when she went to visit and sent it to me.
So, I spent much of the last week feeling triggered because not only did my aunt not respect my wishes, but his message did nothing to atone, or apologize or anything. Just the same bullshit, different day. At least it reaffirmed my decision not to see him was the right one. I just wish my aunt had respected my decision.
My mother has been amazingly respectful in all this. She and I have a strained relationship as well, but has fully respected my decision not to have contact with my father, and when she talked with him, never even brought me up. She’s winning points for that with KnyghtMare as well.
I don’t know if I’m going to the funeral. I’ve been to therapy already once to get some thoughts sorted out. I go again this week. There’s just so many messed up feelings.