My New Book!
- Do Not Judge My Story by the Chapter You Walked In On....
I'm a large, curvy, lustful slave learning the ropes in a full time M/s relationship. My explorations with love and life and BDSM have brought me closer to the edge of pain and pleasure, deep desires for rope bondage and debauchery but moreso a desire to delve deeper into submission and service to my Master KnyghtMare. Struggling internally with submission and independent needs, obesity and body image, I bring a unique opinion to all things in the Lifestyle.
I choose to live my life in submission and service to Master.
I don’t have a lot to say just yet, but I do plan to make a memorial page in my bullet journal for Loki, like I did for Maximus and when I do, I’ll share it here.
Loki passed away on Friday. When KnyghtMare and I brought him in to the vet, after talking with the Dr. it was clear that he wasn’t going to bounce back and that it was time to say goodbye.
We got a few minutes to talk to him and hold him and just be with Loki. He tapped his tail a few times, feebly but it still spoke volumes to me. He knew we loved him and he loved us. I pet him and told him how wonderful he was and that it was time to sleep as he breathed his last.
We didn’t get the long goodbye as I had with Maximus where the whole weekend I planned out all the things we’d do together, all the things he loved to do and eat, and I could talk to him for hours about how he’s made my life so much fuller. We had minutes. But I think he heard me.
I love you Loki. Go run and play with Maximus and Zeus.
Thursday I took Loki to the vet because he’s been acting not quite himself for a few months.
He was diagnosed with late-stage kidney disease. It’s a common old-age disease, but it doesn’t make it easy. It means he’ll slowly decline until he just can’t do it anymore. And then we’ll have to say goodbye. The vet gave us an outlook of a year. If he responds to the new diet and any support meds he might be fine for longer.
The disease will make his fur dull and shaggy. He’ll continue to lose weight and muscle mass. He’ll get weak and sleep a ton more. He’ll not eat. He’ll drink but it won’t be enough to clear the toxins in his blood.
I’ve got to try and be the best kitty momma right now that I can. I’m drowning in anticipatory grief and fear and Max’s ghost. Max hasn’t been gone a year yet and I’m already preparing to say goodbye to another kitty. My heart aches.
My therapist has had to go on leave before her maternity leave was scheduled to start so I’m without a therapist for 4 months. I wish her the best of course, but I feel afraid and unsure of myself. She’s been a huge help in rebuilding myself and giving me the coping mechanisms that have worked to rebuild my marriage and fix myself. Will I be able to continue improving on my own?
I’m not sure what I’m going to do yet, but I know I’m going to have to work extra hard to keep progressing without her. Before any of you think it, yes I could get a different therapist for the gap, but I don’t want to have to teach another person about D/s and BDSM and mono-poly relationships and my own unique life. Tolerance and understanding for that are hard to find. She gets me.
Crap. I’m scared.
We’ve made considerable progress since KnyghtMare offered his collar again. We’re adding protocol here and there, we’re more playful and flirty. Interactions feel less forced and more natural, more relaxed. I think our relationship is rebuilding itself nicely.
That said, there have been setbacks. And I feel always on the cusp of wishing things would go faster – but that’s probably because things feel so good. When things are good, I want more and more of the good. I have to learn patience. It’s something that I always struggle with.
We’re happy. I’m happy. I’m able to see a future full of intense D/s and moderate protocol and all the fun and kink that he can fill our days with. I don’t think I’ve been happy like this in a very long time.
I’ve been able to open myself up sexually and stop putting imaginary limitations on what is and isn’t sexy, kinky, attractive to me. I’m finding more and more things that I once considered out of my reach or unattractive, to be very interesting and things I want to try at least once, things I’m willing to learn to enjoy for KnyghtMare and things I never thought I’d enjoy. I can’t believe I was so closed off for so long. It had to be really frustrating to KnyghtMare. I only hope I can make it up to him now.
I’ve really thrown myself into Submissive Guide/Kink Network production also. I’m wrapping up work on a huge revision of the most popular ebook on Subguide and it’s large enough for a paperback version! That will make the 2nd physical book available by me for Submissive Guide. It’s an amazing thing to think that I can say I’m a published author now and I have people saying they really enjoy what I’ve produced.
All things appear to be in the positive right now.
I’m drowning. I can’t shut off all the negative self-talk in my head lately. I know it’s false though because I can’t find anything to prove it’s valid thinking, but it still won’t go away.
One moment it’s that I’m fat and ugly and no one would be interested in me sexually. Next moment I feel like I’m a terrible submissive and I’ll never be a good one so why bother even thinking it. Don’t enjoy your collar because you’re destined to lose it and KM in the process. It’s just a matter of time. I don’t deserve to be happy. The reason KM doesn’t want to do the sexy things with me is that I’m still so unattractive. He has someone else for the kinky stuff so he doesn’t feel like doing it with me is necessary. I should just stop suggesting the fun stuff I want to do, it’s annoying him or falling on deaf ears.
I want to say again that I know these things are false, they have no basis in fact. But for the life of me, I can’t stop hearing them. And they make me feel horrible because the work I have to go through to disprove them in my head isn’t an instant process. So, I’ve been feeling pretty miserable. I know KM has noticed. He’s asked me a few times how I am. There’s nothing he can do to help me with them.
I just want normal. I want happy. I want things to be enjoyable again. This summer has sucked so bad and I wish it were over already.
Last week KnyghtMare put his new collar on me. It’s a lovely Sterling Silver chain and I couldn’t be happier.
We’ve had a little talk to establish our foundation, a place where everything will build from. I think I needed that talk for a while now because having it gave me a sense of purpose and direction, something I don’t think I’d felt in a long while.
We’re pretty much starting over and the rules and protocol that have been added organically over the past 6 months or so are where we’re starting from. I know what he would like our relationship to look like in broad strokes and I feel like I could definitely fill that role well.
I have a lot of sexy, kinky, playful aspirations that are rolling around in my head and I can’t wait to do them! But I agree with KnyghtMare that we need to have a solid foundation in place before we add to many of the extras on top. I suppose it’s a lot like frenzy. I’ve worked so hard on improving myself and making the steps to be a better person, and then to earn his collar again I just want to dive in feet first and do it all right now!
He’s right to keep me reigned in and my patience will be rewarded.
One of my first added protocol is related to something I requested. On the weekends, when he’s with shah, I feel very disconnected with him and wanted something that would help me feel like I was doing something for him and myself that would connect me with him. So, I now have a daily meditation time in the morning where I am to sit or kneel and focus on being his slave and what that means. He’s left it pretty open-ended for now and I can reflect on anything I’d like during my time in meditation. Once I’ve completed it, I am to tell him that it is finished.
It’s helped. This weekend was the first time I had the opportunity to see if it made me feel more connected to him when we’re apart and while it didn’t close the miles, it did help keep things in perspective and remind me that I’m his slave whether he’s with me or not.
I hope it continues being something that will nurture me.
So, I’m relighting my soul a bit, breathing life into submission that wasn’t there for an extremely long time. I’m finding that there’s so much about myself and how I wish to submit that I had restricted for no reason at all or for the wrong reasons. I’m undoing those chains and seeing where the new road takes me.
I’m doing okay. Since my father and I hadn’t seen each other for 10 years the pain of his loss is different and muted somewhat. I’m looking for normalcy at this point and desperately crave things to just function as they should, I want to move forward in my life. Not just sit still. I’ve been sitting still for so long.
Being newly recollared and not having had the chance to even talk about what that might mean for our future is driving me insane. I know why we’ve not talked about it. Dad stuff came up just days afterward.
KnyghtMare has been amazing in his continued support even though I know he’s taxed himself. He’s given of himself almost constantly since mid-May. I know he needs to take care of himself before he can even begin to think about what our relationship could become.
I’m just antsy for the next step. I think anyone would be.
I’ve got a few collar ideas that I keep looking at, waiting for it to be the right time for him to look at them, give his input and maybe pick one of them. I’d like to move out of this old collar soon.
It’s just a waiting game.