What is weighing on your heart… right… now? – Submissive Journal Prompts

Nothing could be more fitting for this prompt to come up on the site now. I’ve had a lot on my heart lately.

With the holidays coming I have thought about my childhood best friend that parted ways with me this summer. I miss her terribly. I took the advice that my mother gave me and just sent her a Thanksgiving Day card. Yesterday, I got it back. She refused it. Thus, the door really is closed. My heart aches because I will never be able to talk to her again and the way it ended still rips me apart. I do hope that I can move on… and soon.

While that is important, it’s not nearly as important as what has happened yet again last night. Master and I had a very bad argument. It was almost relationship ending in its revelations. If you will recall back in February when I left work and Master decided that I was going to be his stay at home slut he gave me some ground rules and fierce consequences.  He said that my only real rule was to listen and obey him.

I have failed miserably in that. My progress as the slut he wanted has not gotten any further; in fact it’s on tenderhooks if I can show him how important this is for me because right now he can’t see it. I’ve pushed him too far in my outright disobedience and uncaring nature that I’ve shown him. He has done nothing but show me he loves and cares for me and I have given him nothing in return.

I refuse his commands, I question his direction and I ignore his requests. I have not been submissive to him.

I threw silly and hurtful remarks at him. I told him I didn’t have enough rules and the ones I did have he wasn’t enforcing. In essence he wasn’t making me be submissive.

I’m a farce. I don’t have a natural submissive bone in my body. I thrive on structure and order and dominance. I love to feel that control over me. But last night Master made me realize that if I wasn’t capable of doing what he needed from me that we shouldn’t be together. No one wants to be in a relationship where you aren’t happy. We both have felt distant for quite some time.

He predicts that these new revelations will result in a week of good behavior and then I’ll fall into my old ways again. He’s ultimately predicting my demise.

I can’t let that happen. We both admit that we love one another more than anything on this Earth. For us, love just won’t be enough. I need to find the desire to worship and serve him as I should have. My love should feed that need. Why it hasn’t shown til now I can not say.

What I can say is that I must focus and show him just how important he is to me. I just can’t see myself with anyone else. He provides everything I could ever need. I really need to start doing the same.

Now, you may be saying that this can’t be. My relationship seems so perfect and wonderful. Well, it’s amazing what you can keep out of a blog. And heck, for the longest time I thought things were going fine myself. Until last night I thought I was progressing. Glaringly obvious now, I was not. I was hurting the one man who I want in my life forever.

I don’t know why I think rules will make me be submissive. He says that it’s not necessary for me to have rules any more really. As long as I remember that I am to listen and do what he says then all will be fine.  I see it now why the rules are helpful in the beginning but aren’t needed once you know each other. I know what he wants from me. I could list it if required. I just haven’t done any of it.

If that means I’m not submissive, then fine. But I think it’s more that I’m selfish and controlling and rude. If I’m not willing to change these things then I really am not cut out for submission and I should really think what I want in this world. I know I can change though. I’ve done it since I’ve been with Master. I can continue to change.

He has my heart, he takes care of my needs and fulfills my desires. It’s about time I reciprocate and show him that the gem he holds will repay him.

Today was a new day. I pulled out the schedule I developed months ago and actually did it. I was there for Master when he needed me to. I realized just how easy it is to comply with his wishes if I didn’t listen to my old self. I hope it will continue. I need it to continue.

–luna

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One of the big things I’m to work on with our new start is my setting restrictions on my service. Most of these are in the form of ‘I don’t feel like it, or I don’t want to’ but I know I’m also likely to put things off and that restricts my service too.

I know that I should be obedient. I know that when Master says he wants something done I should do it. He has my best interests at heart and while I know that at the time I don’t want to, they will not harm me. Most of what he requests that I tend to put limits on is sexual in nature. Just last night he suggested something and I said I didn’t want to do that; thus it didn’t happen. He was upset because I had again put limits on my service.

Why I wasn’t in the mood doesn’t matter. What I should have done is submitted to him. He asked me a bit later if that should have been a moment where he asserted his dominance and done one of the focusing rituals we discussed (pulling my hair or slapping my face). I said no, but now I’m not so sure. It’s so confusing to know what will work or what won’t. We are going to just have to try it and see how it works I guess.

I’m hoping that we can find a way to break my rebellion as far as sexual things go. That’s a huge thing for Master and I know that I want to please him. I have no real reason why I don’t do what he asks. I just don’t feel like it. How do you get over the don’t feel like it’s to do what you need to do without expressing that I don’t want to do it.

Is this just a growing pain? Will I get past the personal disinterest and just submit? What is keeping me from doing it to begin with?

–luna

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One of the essays was about obedience, that it’s a primary function for a slave one that brings the most joy. I’m finding myself wanting to connect to this essay more than the others right now, mainly because I do have an issue with obeying and want to please Master but can’t get my head around the fact that the WAY AND MANNER for which I obey is what is important, not the obedience itself.

When I treat some of Master’s commands as a chore, or show distaste in doing them the way and manner at which I perform is not completing the full task; my obedience is fails me. Part of the failure is the feelings I have that are hindering my actions. I have lost the submissive space that will result in joyful obedience.

Master gets this obedience on occasion, and he loves when I am able to obey fully but lately it is lacking and while I seek to help novice submissives, I am also trying to rectify my own issues with my mindset. I have tossed back and forth the idea of a meditation or something that would ground me in my submission when I feel it waning. I really do want to serve joyfully and get depressed when I know that the mindset is off.

Correcting my obedience would help Master through leaps and bounds as he develops his Mastery more. I know that I can make it easier for him if I could correct myself. It will take time, but now that I can see what I need to do, I can devise a way to put the plan into action. No doubt there will be struggle and fight in me as I shift; but the outcome is well worth it.

I will change the way and manner in which I obey so that instead of saying, ‘I obeyed,’ I can say ‘I joyfully obeyed.’ I know that the happiness I seek will bring me closer to the level of service I wish to provide.

–luna

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