I put up the Christmas tree yesterday. It’s been nearly 4 years (I think) since I last had any Christmas spirit or desire to decorate for Christmas. Part of my need is to display the ornaments that my stepmom made for me some years ago. I wanted to bring a bit of her into my home for the holidays, ya know? The other reason I think I have a bit of spirit is I’ve been thinking a lot about faith. Not just the faith you get from religion, but faith in myself and my future.

I grew up in an Open Bible home. We went to church at least twice a week and my dad was a deacon. I loved going to church and I felt at home within the religion and the teachings. It was a comfort for me when my family life starting going down hill. We stopped going to church when I was 14 but I continued reading the Bible, studying it and following the ‘read the Bible in one year’ plans. I toiled over Job a numerous times because I felt that I was too being tested. I carried my safety net with me til college.

Then, like I was shedding my winter coat I stopped. The reason I stopped was my attraction to men. I don’t think I noticed them before that. But I couldn’t keep my eyes off of them once in college. They filled my every lusty dream and my quiet time in the showers. I wanted men. And not just for sex. I wanted their company. I wanted to feel wanted, not just desired.

My faith got in the way too many times. I was courting online my now ex husband. I was thinking and talking about sex. I had to really wrestle with the idea that I wasn’t going to wait till I got married to have sex. I was going to be naughty and my thoughts were far from the simple fuck. They were elaborate ideas of what I wanted to try. I think that is why I started to question my beliefs. I couldn’t see anything wrong with wanting what I wanted.

I was kinky then too, but didn’t know what that was really. I knew I wanted to try bondage and blindfolds. I fantasized about having a couple of men at one time. I wanted to put foreign objects in my pussy no matter how big they were. I wanted anal sex and for men to cum on me. That was just a taste of what I wanted before I had even had sex. I was in sensory overload from the start.

So I embraced it and my Bible collected dust. My ex husband and I tried a lot of fun and kinky things. Things that have pushed me into the areas that I enjoy now. They were the stepping off point. So, were did my faith go?

It’s changed. It’s not completely gone. I’m more skeptical than I was. I question what I used to believe completely blind. There are things I am certain exist for me, and a few that I’m really hoping do. I believe there is a higher power or higher plane of existence. I believe that when we die we have a chance to reach that existence. I’m not sure that Jesus was the messiah, but I agree more that he was a prophet. Christmas to me isn’t a celebration of Jesus’ birth, but the spirit of joy and giving; of happiness and rebirth. Christmas heralds in a new year for me. It’s a time of reflection and introspection; of growth and learning.

I may not have religion, but I know that my faith is strong. I’m slowly adjusting to my new idea of personal religion.

–luna

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I’ve found a desire to learn how to sew lately. I think the fact that I own a sewing machine now has done it… and that I don’t have clothing that fits me. I looked up a tutorial on making a wrap around skirt and am going off of that for the one I’m making now. I’m even going to try to make it reversible so that I will get 2 skirts out of it. I will of course take pictures of it when I’m done which will be this weekend hopefully.

I never got around to starting that flogger, as the fabric called me instead. I really need to make the flogger as it was requested by someone and I’m sure I’ll see them sooner or later and they will want to know where it is. Perhaps I’ll feel like doing that this weekend too, after the skirt.

Master has been sick for the past few days. He’s got a cold that is weighing him down. He spent most of yesterday and today in the bedroom with his laptop just recovering. Hopefully he will get well soon as one thing I really miss when he’s sick is the kissing. Forehead kisses just aren’t the same.

I made a group on Sparkpeople for anyone interested in having a support system for weight loss. Send me an email and I’ll give you the link. It’s a private group so it’s invite only. Consider this your invite!

Went to the Dr today. He renewed my meds and we talked about how I’ve felt after the anti-depressant was out of my system. It turns out it was making me more fatigued. I’ve not had to nap since I stopped taking it. He’s put the sleep study on the back burner for now and we’ve got a game plan in place for the weight loss. He agreed to 1600 calories a day and getting up to 5 days a week of cardio to start the program. I don’t have to go back to see him for 6 months unless something comes up. Go me! I want to have at least 30 lbs lost by then…. 50 would be way cool but the top of my goal range.

Master got a Zeus Digital box for electroplay this week. Looks like a lot of fun. I can’t wait till my period is done so that we can test it out properly. The bit of play we’ve had so far is promising. It’s a learning curve of course. Anyone have any experience they want to pass on?

–luna

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During the munch Master and I attended on Saturday there was a lively discussion on Master/slave relationships. I find it quite interesting to hear what people consider to be M/s vs. D/s. The presenter gave a description that to me sounded exactly the same. Description was like the slave has no limits other than those of the Master, safewords may not be used and there is a symbiosis between the two that makes it work. I’ve read in a book on protocols recently the author’s view was one I really liked. It said that D/s was the exchange of power, whereas M/s is the exchange of authority. Sounds good to me.

Master had a lot of wonderful things to say during the discussion and was even suggested that he had a bit of old guard and old fashioned beliefs. It was pretty complimentary to him, and appeared surprising to the people who said it because Master is so young. I guess they didn’t expect to hear the those thoughts from someone so young. Master has always had old style beliefs and it has attracted me numerous times.

Personally I’m really not sure how I would define an M/s relationship. I do see one difference being that slaves are human property. That doesn’t make them subhuman or nonhuman to me. An owner/property relationship is what I class as that. I believe that slaves have given over their rights to make any decisions on their own and do not have the ability to say no or question the Master.

Some of the things that I do for Master or my own behavior people have assumed I am a slave. I am not. I identify as a submissive and am happy with that identity right now.

Today, Master mentioned wanting to get experience in a few play activities that we’ve attempted but not gotten any further or new ones. He said he’d like to have basic skills in a lot of play activities while he is still young so that he can master them as he gets older. He brought up caning, cupping, fire-cupping, and fireplay. I mentioned violet wands. So, more play and facing fears is in my future.

I love that he wants to learn a whole bunch of things and that means that our play will be exciting and new every single time. I can’t wait to get started.

–luna

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I’m working on myself too. Master says that my submission would deepen once he gets his role and behaviors refined. So I guess we are in a holding pattern. Of course, I am still learning about myself and what I want to offer him. The soul searching has really come about because of the Guide. I feel so much closer to mmy submission when I work on the site. Connecting to the world view and submission.

The Blog

I’ve changed my blog theme (again) if you are interested in checking it out. This one comes with a few new things I want to showcase. I have a lifestream page that has my twitter and RSS and all the other activity online that I can share with you. I love it, and find it really cool.

I have a weight loss page as well, that focuses on my goal to lose weight and feel better, healthy. Hopefully with all of you reading my struggles I can keep going and make it though my excess weight.

Next I found a really cool plug in that hosts my library. I’m adding only my BDSM books, but I’m able to add reviews and rate them and stuff. You can see it in the right side. I love it. OH and if you buy one of the books through the links I have, I get a little kick back.

Lastly I have a request. There is a box at the top of this blog that I can’t think of what to put in it. If you know of a cool WordPress widget that would be awesome there, let me know!

–luna

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Confessions of Promiscuity

Learning complaisance

Seeker of Wisdom

Diary of jane

Proud Submissive

slave isabelle’s journey

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Needless to say I overthought it for awhile. Master stays in control, so what is his request other than service? As his submissive I serve him in whatever capacity I can and learning and doing this to him as a part of our pleasure shouldn’t be a problem. I was afraid that he would become a switch and that our dynamic would change. I was sure that I’d be miserable as a top; I had had enough of that in my previous marriage. I’m happy where I am in my role, and now that he asked for these things was enough to cause me pause.

Now that I can see the pleasure he gets out of the things he asks me to do to him I know that I’m still his submissive. I get a sense of happiness that I’m able to bring him a more intense pleasure and that I can still be his submissive while doing it. I never thought I would be finding my own pleasure in his pain. Or perhaps it’s the vulnerability he shows during this that I love. He’s not a solid rock of a man all the time, yet he remains my Master. He shows me all of him. That is powerful and I love him all the more because of that.

I’m afraid of doing more than offering him pain play for sexual pleasure. I’m terrified of not being able to get back into submissive space afterward. I’m scared that I will become bossy and get in trouble. What if he asks me to be in control? Can I do that? Can I take the reigns and control him for a time and then switch right back without damaging our dynamic as it is? Could I think less of him because of this? I don’t know. I try not to think about it. I don’t want to face what could be.

Are any of you asked to top your Dominant on occasion? What’s it like for you? Do you find it hard to do? What about falling more into a top role instead of just serving for pain play? How do you feel if your Dominant wants to fully switch for a time and you are in control? Is it hard to switch back? What is your mental conditioning like to be able to do that?

–luna

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We also got a Trivial Pursuit game that was on clearance for $10. We’ve been hestant to buy one because they tend to be USA focused and Master doesn’t know US history, culture or entertainment stuffies. We sat down as soon as we got home and started playing it. It was such a blast! I was darn lucky and got a few easy questions on pie so I won the game, but Master was awesome fun to play with. We’ll definitely have to get more games.

We made sub sandwiches for dinner which were awesome yummy. I’m trying my hand at chicken burgers tomorrow for myself; anyone have a good chicken burger recipe? Master isn’t chancing it and is having brat burgers. I’m going to make my broccolini too I think. Make it a grand food adventure of a day.

I gave Master a blow job tonight after I did my hair and had fun at it! I even relaxed enough for him to fuck my face a bit, deep throat a bit and generally have a great time pleasing him. I hope I can do more of the same as I get more comfortable in my role.

Something that came up while we were at Wal-mart was that I wanted to dress more kinky and do more kinky things as a part of my day. It didn’t hit Master the right way since he’s asked me to wear lingerie and I’ve not done it every single day, and not at all last week. I guess I really just don’t consider lingerie as kinky. I want to wear the at home collar, cuffs, maybe some rope. Be made to wear my butt plug during the day, or the ben wa balls. I dream of him asking me to masturbate for him or play with toys for him, perhaps a quick OTK style spanking just to spice up the day.

I long to live deep in kink as well as service. I’m sure he understands and being that I’m still recovering from my insomnia and memory issues I know it’s frustrating to think about adding more to my day. If I don’t express things though, how else will he know I want to do things like that?

Tomorrow is a BDSM presentation at the university. If everyone attends there will be 6 people there. Pretty nice group too, a wide variety from bedroom only types, to 24/7 and every role is represented too! Master will be sitting in the audience again. I wish he would sit with me, even if he doesn’t want to talk. I’d love to be able to just know he’s there next to me. He tends to chime into the conversation sometimes anyway. Oh well. We all are going to Village Inn afterward also. Sort of a minch. Should be great to talk to everyone over a meal.

Later this week I am going down to see a friend of ours who is having some issues. I offered to Master to go to her and just be there for whatever I could, friendship wise, ya know? He said that was a great idea and when he asked her, she said yes. I could tell that she was happy. I’m not sure what I’ll be going there for a few days, but I certainly can come up with things that will help out or at least comfort her. It’s the least I could do.

I have an interesting series forming in my mind and in drafts over at Submissive Guide. I’m writing a group of posts on submissive positions. Not really the Gorean ones, although I link to sites that have them, but more of practicing and learning positions that you may or may not be requested to use or learn. So… in essence just a ‘get the feel for it’ type. If any of you do submissive positions as a regular part of your day or scene I’d love to talk to you. I don’t do positions myself and am going to be doing the practices right along with the readers of the Guide. Should be good fun.

–luna

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In a previous post, BootPig commented about finding my focus, and making sure I have the right things in the front of my mind. My submission to Master and learning to be a stay at home submissive. While in our life this also means time to work on Submissive Guide and The Iron Gate, lately these online activities have taken the bulk of my time. I have had some inspiration from a guest post on Twitip.com about Going on a Twitter Diet. I’m not sure how well I’ll do it, but just like any diet there will be difficult points, I may cheat and in the end I will be a better person for it.

My first goal is to weed out my RSS reader of blogs I don’t read. My habit has been to add the newly discovered blogs every month to my reader, then only to find that after a few months or so I have about 10 blogs that just sit in the unread list and because I’m a fan of a clear list, I just mark them read. No more. If I am not interested in reading them and they sit more than a week with unread posts, they go bye bye. Currently I have over 300 blogs in my reader. I regularly follow maybe 20 of them. Others I like so I know they won’t go, but I can tell you there are blogs there that I’ve not read for months. Cleaning we go.

Next I’m going to take a look at my twitter. I’m going to evaluate the 254 people I’m currently following and decide 2 things. Am I following them just to get their notices of new posts? If so, move them to my RSS reader (they then become part of the vetting process mentioned above). Are they services that I can follow in other ways or don’t need to follow at all? Who need to follow Barak Obama now, or CNN news? I can get that information elsewhere. I’m honestly going to pick over every single person that I’m following and decide if they are valuable enough to me to keep in the list. I will be doing this with @lunakm and with @subguide. I’m going to utilize TweetDeck better to sort our the tidbits of information I really enjoy. Starting with links. Then make groups of friends and people of influence. That way I don’t have to feel bad about not reading my entire stream.

Lastly, I’m working on a schedule that will allow me time during the day to work on my websites after my housework is complete. I already have a housework schedule so that won’t need to be made, but making sure I don’t get sidetracked with the websites I’ve put so much work into before I’m done with what Master requires of me will be a bonus for my focus as Master’s submissive.

It’s not going to be easy, this blog is my personal thoughts and feelings and really does help Master see who I am and where I’m struggling so that he can help. I’m sure he’ll want me to continue this and I won’t be stopping it. Just be sure I’ll be living it before I write about it. I’ll make what’s most important to me, top priority. Now on to the diet!

The actual diet diet is starting. I went to the store and bought healthier options of food for both of us. Master is pushing back a bit when I ask him what healthy items he wants for lunch, but he’s going with it. He wants to tone up and I want to lose weight. It’s the same track. Exercise needs to become one of the priorities as Master’s submissive and I know I have time to do it, so that’s what I’ll be doing. I’m aiming for 4 times a week, building to 6. Perhaps I could lose 10% of my weight in 5 months. We’ll see if that goal is too lofty.

–luna

PS: I shut off the Lifestream posts. It’s nice to know what I’m doing, but not necessary to hide all my actual posts in. No more of that!

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Master has noticed a change in me, but I can’t really explain it. It’s by no means easy and I do hope that I can get this done right. I’m obeying with less fight back and I’m working hard on my compliance when asked to do things. I really do think that I can be a model for others as they travel down this new path.

I’ve started enhancing a basic service that I provide Master. When I serve him coffee or anything else I’ve been announcing it. He likes it. So much so that he noticed when I stopped to see if he had paid attention. “Your coffee Master.”

I’m going to start wearing a “uniform” on Monday. I have lingerie and my corset ready to start dressing sexy for Master while I do my housecleaning and website work. I’m going to test that and see if I’m able to stay warm enough with that. I know that summer will be fine. I mentioned to Master that I’d like a few more skirts or summer dresses to wear when out of the house. It is possible that he will allow me to spend a bit of money on sale skirts and dresses, so I better start looking.

I’ve tried the homemade laundry powder with success. I’m not allergic to it and it makes my laundry smell fresh, not perfumed. I will have to buy cheaper bar soap or flakes to make it worth while to continue doing. I plan on trying vinegar in the rinse to get the softener effect. I don’t usually use softener but it will be nice on the towels and sheets for sure.

My cleaning routine is getting refined. I’m planning to get it all tightened down and I can be happy at home.

–luna

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I’m going to come out and finally tell you all what happened with my firing. I made a stupid mistake. I shared my personal life with one of the backup people I train to do my job when I’m on vacation. I felt comfortable with them so I thought it was a decent choice. They didn’t really blink and even asked me a few questions about my relationship and how it works. Well, I always surfed the net during down time and did work on this an the other BDSM related sites I’m on. One day, this trainee saw the sites I was working on, apparently there were photos (I don’t recall) of someone or something they didn’t like and they reported me to Human Resources for sexual harassment.

So, not only was I fired for using the internet inappropriately, but for sexual harassment. My termination form specifically says that I was browsing the internet on bondage and S&M sites during work hours and showed inappropriate pictures to someone which made them uncomfortable. It was personal. It was my own stupid mistake and so yes, I feel really really guilty about how it came about. It is my fault.

I am loving how much time I get to spend with Master. It’s great to be able to hug him and get his coffee all day long. I think that I can make this work and am learning everyday how to adjust my schedule and plan my time so that I get the most out of my day. I’m moving my laptop from the living room to the kitchen so that I don’t just watch TV all day. I noticed that all week long the TV just has been going. I can’t help myself. So, to the kitchen for work next week. Focus will come easier there. I’m also going to be able to get my chores done better too because again the TV won’t distract me.

I’m grateful for Master allowing me to take it easier this week but I’m ready to step it up next week and get back into learning to be at home all day.

–luna

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