BDSM is Love » depression

May I Blog Please?

lunaKM — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 01:00:59 +0000

I’m back. I feel better after this break but I think that it will do me good to be blogging publicly again. I know Master will appreciate it. It’s amazing how little I have to say when I’m not talking to the world at large and it’s just him.

It was my choice to go silent on the blog. I needed to recenter my service to Master and find a way to stay focused. To help me I asked Master if he’d be willing to take on a bit more responsibility. The next day we implemented the ask permission rule. I am to ask permission to do anything; from going to the bathroom to doing chores, getting dressed and anything else. It pretty much means that I have to get permission to do anything more than breathe. Some days are better than others for me remembering to do it and since it’s for my recentering I don’t get in trouble. It does hinder my focus though so I lose out.

We are going to keep the rule I think. He’s not expressed a dislike in it and I like it when I remember to do it so I think it will just get better with practice. Anyone else have a rule like this? How does it work for your relationship?

Went to the Dr on Tuesday. He thinks I may have bi-polar disorder when I told him about my days of insane mood swings. Master thinks it’s likely depression but I’m off to a psychiatrist for a better diagnosis. We’ll see what he says next month. Until then I’m refusing to believe that I’m bi-polar. Mom is bi-polar and was undiagnosed through my entire childhood. It was hell. I think the primary diagnosis has lead to more anxiety than just having mood swings would have.

I’ve been looking at wedding dresses a lot lately. I have a favorite: “Jessica“. Now there are several others that I like, but this is the one I’ve had on in my dreams of the wedding. I feel that if I try it on I’ll not look further. Other dresses I’ve looked at are on that site too. I love the pick up skirts, the fully beaded bodices. It’s likely that I love just about every dress in their plus size collection. Challenge is that this dress is only at one store and that store is located in Ohio… 10 hours away. Now, of course I can buy it online and have it altered here, but I want desperately to have that THIS IS THE DRESS moment in the store, ya know? I’m going dress shopping with mom in June but I doubt I’ll find something in my price range (under 500) that comes in my size.

Speaking of my size… I’ve not lost any weight and I’m getting that desperate feeling again. I’m thinking of doing a liquid diet for awhile. Probably Slim-Fast, although I think I”d enjoy doing Special K diet for 2 weeks. Who knows. I just need to see some movement and I’d be inspired and motivated. Master says, and I do agree, that the key is exercise and I’m not doing nearly enough. No kidding. *sigh*

–luna

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Brush it Off

lunaKM — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 23:59:25 +0000

The past 3 days have gone by painfully. I’m in a funk that makes me hard to talk to, I’m snippy and grumpy, withdrawn and unapproachable. Today I’ve cried for no reason and Master has noted my gloomy mood on more than one occasion. I don’t know why I feel this way. I can’t pinpoint anything that triggered my mood. I’m hoping I can shake it soon.

Ya know, maybe part of it is that I went straight from being sick to having my period. Sexual contact has been off the table for over 2 weeks! Master and I both are going insane. Period should be done by tomorrow so, as long as my mood goes away we’ll be busy… very busy.

Yesterday Master got news that his grandmother died. He is taking it better than I would, but I guess we handle death differently. What’s more frustrating is our cell phone plan won’t let him call home.

I went to Target yesterday with Master’s permission and got some make up supplies that would make my desire to learn proper technique a lot easier. I got some nice Sonia Kashuk brushes. I love them and can’t believe I’ve been using the crummy ones that I have been after today’s use. What a difference. I’m hoping to get some new eyeshadows in the coming months. I have a few new quad packs from walmart but I’m looking to get some quality stuff soon. I’m also watching a ton of videos on youtube for makeup application. I’ve found a woman I really really like: Makeup by TiffanyD. I’ve subscribed to her blog and I think I’ve watched at least half of her videos.

My next hope is that after I get into a routine of makeup application that I’ll start a skin care routine that includes moisturizer. Somewhere in my mind it says that if I take care of myself that my outer self with improve my inner self. I want to feel good about myself. Master will appreciate that, no doubt.

–luna

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Still out of Balance

lunaKM — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 01:37:44 +0000

It was pouring outside as we drove home from the store tonight. Master got all quiet and when I asked him what was going on he said he wasn’t sure he wanted to talk about it. I reminded him that if it were me that that response wouldn’t fly.

He opened up a little and said that he feels that we are still out of balance and that we aren’t going anywhere. I’m forcing him to do everything and not doing any of it myself. I ask him to help push me to do things I need to do and then also push me to do the things he wants me to do. He’s tired of constantly pushing and I need to take some initiative to do some of this work myself.

I agreed. I’m not pulling my weight in this relationship repair and I need to step up to the plate.

The odd thing is that I have thoughts that are so fleeting of things that I should be doing or want to be doing that I know would make him happy and instead I don’t act on them. Honestly, I can’t explain why. Sometimes he gets this look that makes me want to kneel in front of him and kiss his feet. I don’t do it. Other times he makes me want to flash him or tease him or please him in some way, and yet I don’t act.

I have other moments too, moments of rebellion and I seem to listen to those more than the good thoughts. I just can’t figure out why. I love making him smile but lately he’s not smiling often.

I’ve lost the sizzle and excitement that I felt in the beginning of my BDSM explorations. The ones that made everything fun and exciting and worth trying because it turned me on. Now I don’t know. It just doesn’t. Don’t get me wrong I don’t not enjoy it when it happens, but I’ve lost most of the desire to initiate it. I dream about it, fantasize about it but to make it happen would have to come from him. A responsibility that we should be sharing.

I love the idea of having to wear rope while doing my chores, or getting back into butt plug wearing at night. I miss the cuffs ritual we had at night now that I wear braces. I long for more play activities during my everyday. I’m home all the time now and I thought that it would actually increase. Perhaps it still will. I’ve been depressed for so long but now that the meds are being removed I think I’ll be fine. I still have a sleep study to get through but I know that can help make a positive shift in my mood.

Incorporating more stimulating things into my day may be a way to keep the negative rebellious thoughts at bay. I want to serve, I feel drawn to serving Master completely and can’t understand my lazyiness to do the things that would make us both happy. That’s got to change.

Balance must be restored.

–luna

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Still In Trouble

lunaKM — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 14:25:18 +0000

Last night Master and I had a huge discussion. I’ve had a very bad attitude this week and he said he is still mad at me for lying and is upset that I seem to show no remorse for it this week. He explained that last week was better and I was more submissive then. Ok, so first I am still feeling guilty as all get out because of the extent of my lying. But this week I had a goal to try to start repairing the damage of the eating disorder so the horrible feelings of sadness for lying and for being punished has been pushed behind that.

He doesn’t understand that part and I guess that’s fine. He said I don’t seem to be acting like I’m in trouble (asking to look at special items at the store, planned purchases, etc). I really don’t want to be moping around and making my depression worse, but he seems to think that would make him feel better I guess.

The struggle to find my submission right now is a separate matter. I’ve been dealing with a huge case of Submissive PMS. I’ve not been able to get away to fix it since going to Panera for work day is not allowed with my punishment. I think I used it as a break from being around each other all day all the time. I am submissive but I just can’t show it all the time. I’m not sure he can comprehend that.

Again we’ve been arguing and testy with each other, almost to the point of fury I think about some of the smallest things.

I just don’t know how he wants me to act while punished, that is until last night. He appears to want me to mope around, not ask for anything and be so very submissive; more than I really am. I’m just so frustrated right now about the whole thing. The man can’t make up his mind about what to have for dinner, but he knows how he wants me to act and doesn’t tell me before we have an upset. Gah!

So yeah I am still in trouble. I can’t check my email or view websites that aren’t my blog or work related for Submissive Guide. I can’t sit on any of the furniture I want to and I’m supposed to feel horrible for a long time about lying to him about my eating disorder for a bit more.

I think I can do the depression, it’s easy for me to slip into depressive states right now, so if he wants to promote one I can do it.

–luna

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Headaches

lunaKM — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 19:28:48 +0000

I’ve suffered a bout of headaches this week. Monday I had a massive migraine in the middle of the night that took hours to calm down to a level that I could sleep. The rest of this week has been a number of smaller headaches that I just can’t seem to make go away. Medication dulls them but they never actually leave. I’m not sure if it’s stress (most likely) or I have another issue causing the headaches.

I’m not doing so well with the punishment rules, namely the one about the computer. I’ve gotten scolded for using my personal twitter instead of my SubmissiveGuide one. I’ve checked my email when I shouldn’t have. It’s just frustrating as all heck. I’m hoping that Master’s anger calms soon and he lifts these punishments so that we can work on the underlying problem.

On that front, since Master controls the money and my access to it, I’ve not binged. It’s pretty hard to binge with no cash. Eating at home has been a challenge, but I find myself asking for food more than I used to, so perhaps I’m subconciously having him watch what I eat. I’ll weigh on Monday and see if my weight has reflected a full week without binging. Last time I weighed I was at 354.

I’m sure that I’m not being as submissive as I could be right now, but that doesn’t seem to be a focus at this point. Master tends to worry about me with the smallest things and I have to wonder if what has happened to me and my new issue has caused our dynamic to change. I miss being submissive and feeling good about it, but I think I understand his stand too. I’m not really myself right now and he misses me he says.

I miss me too. I want to go back to the way I was, and soon.

–luna

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Lost

lunaKM — Fri, 02 Nov 2007 01:51:20 +0000

That is the term

For those great many people

With no where to turn

And yet I see myself with this group

Uncertain

My life seems to be at an end no more paths to follow

A dead end

Scared I am scared

Frightened

That I will lose this battle

With fear

With myself.

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