Darlene asks,

Can some one have a submissive/dominate relationship without recognizing it? How would you know?

Sure they can. A lot of relationships have some level of it but they don’t call it D/s because they don’t know anything about it. It’s just the way their relationship is. The thing is once they start reading or learning about D/s then it becomes known and oftentimes things click for them. It’s like a light bulb going off or an “ah-ha” moment.

If you are an outsider looking in though you could notice that one of the partners has a higher level of decision making power, that the other always defers to them. Or you may not notice anything at all.

D/s is a normal relationship style for many people not into kink. Someone has a lot of the control in the relationship and the other is more passive and obedient. The 50′s housewife model is a common example for a D/s style relationship type. The man goes out and makes the money and social networking while the woman stays home, cares for the children, the home and makes sure the dinner is always ready when he comes home and a fresh cool drink is poured while he reads his newspaper sort of life.

–lunaKM

Sasha asks:

So, I have been wondering ever since I started reading your blog. I assume the KM has to do with your Dominant’s name. But where did Luna come from? Did your Master pick it? Was there signifigance? Also wondering about the signifigance and origin of Froggy being called Froggy. Are they nicknames, or do you use them all the time? I offered my name when I got collared because I had heard of people being renamed, but Master prefered my given name. I do have part time names. I have one for when I am online to protect my identity, but it is more of an alias. And seeing as I am into part time Daddy/babygirl AND part time pet play, my little and my puppy both have names. But yours seem pretty consistent. Sorry if this seems silly or if it is a well known subject, but I am in rural IN with no munches or community near.

I have talked about where my name comes from before, but there’s no reason not to do it again. My name was part of a username I used in the chat room where KM and I met. My full nickname was lunaEtoile. When I moved offline and into groups I decided that luna would be my scene name as well. The only significance is that I was majoring in Spanish in college and wanted to use a Spanish word. (I was also taking French which is where Etoile comes from.)

Froggy let me know where her name came from so here is that story. She’s an avid frog item collector. She has pictures and sculpture and knick knacks all with frogs on them. When she got into BDSM it was discovered she couldn’t stay still in play and was always “hopping around”. She even added in her story, “when I orgasm I used to kick my legs out like a frog would do when jumping from pad to pad!”

The names are our scene names and are used whenever we are in BDSM public situations, however I know I call froggy, “froggy” in private too because once you call someone their scene name for awhile, the real name doesn’t come as easily. Luna is now my legal middle name; I had it added when KM and I married. And KM is short for KnyghtMare – no that’s not his real name either!

–lunaKM

I’ve got two questions that are similar enough for me to try and answer them together.

What are the best resources you know of to find a potential new master? I know you’ve been with KM for a long time, but I’m searching for my Dom, and not quite sure where to start. I hate all the phonies.

and

I am new to BDSM and was just wondering if it were possible to be happy in the “Scene” without finding a lifetime partner? I have so far only found men who are looking for a quick hook-up and have nothing to do with BDSM and I am starting to think maybe finding a partner in BDSM is a pipe dream? Any suggestions? Thank You very much.

First, I always have to say that finding a Dominant is the same as finding a partner of any other sort, you just have more compatibility to have to match up. Everyone has different dating lives (the duration you date before you find “the one”) so there is no way to force that to be shorter.  It’s just life.

With that said, finding a Dominant specifically requires you to go where they are. You can find them in at least these three places.

1. BDSM groups. Most larger areas have at least one BDSM munch group, party group or a convention. If you are active in the scene you will encounter single people of all types that already identify as Dominant or submissive.

2. Online BDSM dating sites and communities/chat rooms. The online dating scene is huge and of course you will find fakes mixed in with genuine people – but you will in the regular dating scene as well. Keep working through them and eventually you will find the real article. If you need to know where these online communities are, just use your favorite search engine and use the words ‘BDSM dating’ or ‘BDSM chat’.

3. Vanilla dating sites and vanilla places but they don’t openly identify as Dominant. These are harder to find of course, but they do exist. Dating a Dominant vanilla person and turning them on to kink isn’t unheard of – just difficult or impossible.

Now, is it possible to be happy in the “scene” while single? Sure it is. You just have to find what makes you happy about being single. Perhaps you love to volunteer your time to the BDSM group near you, be independent in your play partner selection and casually enjoy kink without the relationship trappings. It’s up to you how you handle being single.

Anonymous asks:

What is your favorite memory from the beginning of your and KnyghtMare’s relationship?

I honestly have quite a few memories that float through my head from the beginning of our relationship. The “firsts” are always going to be there, from the first time I laid eyes on him in the airport, to our first real date, to the first time we had sex and the first time we played.

I think my favorite memory and the one that changed my life is the day he decided he wasn’t getting back on that plane and going “home.”

He told me that he was home and wanted to be with me. We spent the day snuggling and talking about our fears and the future, about what could and might be and celebrating each other.

–lunaKM

Rose asks:

Hello Luna,

I have only been a submissive for 8 months and I am still learning. Things are wonderful with my dominant., whom I call Sir. I couldn’t be happier, but I have noticed that there are times which sir is upset with me due to resistance to obey and my bad attitude that tends to jump out here and there without me knowing. I do realize that I have a strong personality and some times feel I have to get my way. but this isn’t the person I am. I want to be the best sub sir has ever had. I want to obey him, serve him, have a real commitment/gf & bf status, and be his slave, but resistance gets in the way.

So my question is how do I over come my bad habit of bad attitudes and resistance, and just be able to serve him happily and contently without compliant or without the need of rebelling?

Rose

I’ve been there, I really have and I understand your frustration with what you consider to be inability to serve him and be obedient. It can be a combination of a lot of things so I’m just pulling at straws here and sharing what got me moving in the right direction when I hit that same wall, okay?

Happily surrendering doesn’t always feel natural. Your mind and body have a way of wanting to preserve what you already know and do since that has kept it going for this long already. So, when you are met with a new rule or a command or something that jars the system it’s a natural instinct to want to fight it by rebelling or at least complaining about it. The key is recognizing that you are always in change and nothing stays the same. It’s about learning how to turn those signals off – through practice, tons of practice. Eventually the complaints will be less and the need to rebel will diminish.

Another thing might be that what you are experiencing could be a discovery of a limit or soft boundary. You stated you were new so you might not know everything about your likes and dislikes in this sort of dynamic. If you rebel too hard you might want to consider that particular thing a soft limit until you can re-evaluate it later. Your Dominant should be the first person you talk to about hesitation and that you’d like some time to work on the issue without pressure before you try to comply with it again.

Just a few thoughts.

–lunaKM

Anonymous asks:

Hello, I’m 16 and I think I’m a submissive.

I only get attracted to older and powerful, in control type men. When I watch movies that have scenes of whipping in it (which are supposed to be grotesque and horrifying), I get aroused. When my ex-boyfriend (who left me, due to his disgust of my . . . Likes), used to bite my nipples, it really got me going. I can’t get aroused without pain or a bdsm story.

I was wondering, when did you know you were a sub? Is it possible for someone so young to be one? Where does one even meet doms?
(Note: I’m not sure what country you’re from but in mine I’m of legal consent age)

 

Well, I didn’t really know until I met KnyghtMare. I knew I was kinky, that’s for sure and I knew that I enjoyed the receiving end of things far more than the giving end. So, that put me solidly in a bottom role for my first few months of exploration. However, when I met KnyghtMare online I had begun to wonder if I was also submissive in my relationship personality or if that would fulfill me more than my current relationship (a vanilla marriage) was doing for me.

So, around the age of 24 I guess is when I really came into my own and realized I could be submissive. It wasn’t without a lot of questioning and struggle, but I think I’m in my happy place now (as a slave!) and will stay right where I am.

Yes you can know you are at least sexually submissive if not relationship submissive long before I did. All it takes is personal awareness and the willingness to accept it.

As to where to meet Doms, you have to decide if you are staying online with that or not. Online there are many BDSM related dating sites (alt.com, bondage.com, collarme.com to name a few). Create a personal ad and wait for the huge number of pervs, trolls and genuine people to send you messages.

If you venture into your local BDSM scene you will meet Doms face to face at munches, sloshes, conventions, and parties. You can probably find a group using your favorite search engine with the largest town near you and the words BDSM munch.

I wish you luck.

–lunaKM

Anonymous asks:

Hey, LunaKM,

I was just wondering what Luna Beads or Ben Wa Balls are? I was reading about them in a book and was not sure what they were or how they were used or if they might be a good investment for a person who is new to BDSM and the Lifestyle?

Thank You.

 

Hi there. Ben Wa balls are two small balls with or without an attached string that you insert into your vagina. Usually they have some small weight to them or have an inner ball that rolls around inside an outer shell. They help to strengthen your pelvic walls but can also provide sexual stimulation. There are many different versions and I think Luna Beads are one of those versions. They are fun for discreet public play, if you enjoy that.

Here’s where you can get them pretty inexpensively.

• Ben Wa Balls at Edenfantasys.com
• Luna Beads at Edenfantasys.com

–lunaKM

Sara asks:

I have been reading your blog for quite awhile. I would personally struggle with the fact that master has another. So my question is two of fold. How do you control the jealousy? For me the entire time they were together I would be extremely uncomfortable, like he didn’t love me enough. Secondly this is more for him, why need a second? Is it because froggy is more of a masochist? Life styles are everyone’s own choice I’m just trying to understand when so many of your own demons have come up in the regard. You have strength to serve your master this way.

And anonymous asks:

How did you feel about froggy in the very beginning, and how did you deal with jealousy?

Well, so jealousy huh. The big green eyed monster hasn’t really reared its ugly head here. Jealousy is a fear of losing what you have. It’s a reactive emotion to fear. I would have to fear that Master were going to leave me or that he wouldn’t love me anymore or we wouldn’t play or have sex anymore for jealousy to really flare. I don’t feel any of that.

I have been envious of froggy for some of the things she is able to do that make Master happy that I can’t do. We talk about them and I feel so much better,.

But outright jealousy? I haven’t felt that and I think it’s because we are all really good at communicating things before they would get to that point.

In the beginning, well… in the beginning froggy was just a play partner for Master because he needed to be more sadistic and in ways that I couldn’t emotionally handle. That need drove him to depression and we discussed opening the relationship for play. It is a positive experience for us. froggy was one of his play partners. She’s been good friends to us also so it seemed a simple shift to consider a relationship with her.

Unlike relationships I read about online where the Dominant just says they want another submissive and doesn’t discuss it with them, Master and I had long discussions about how this would work for us and what we both would need to remember to keep our relationship just as strong as it always was. We never thought we’d ever be poly, but we realized that this was just a natural step for us. froggy is a part of our relationship now.

The question directed to Master, “why does he need a second and if it’s because froggy is more of a masochist” I hope I’ve shed a bit of light on already but he answered it and I’ll share a bit more about why I think he needs a second.

He says, “yes.”

Froggy is more of a masochist and has different play cravings and activities that he can engage in that he can’t with me. Either I’m too whimpy or that I can’t handle the play emotionally. That was the reason we sought a play partner for him to begin with. He doesn’t NEED a second. It could have stayed that way forever, just play partners fulfilling his sadistic needs but with froggy she filled both of us and the connection was just more. So it was an organic closeness that drew us to becoming a larger relationship. It just happened and we are better because of it.

Darlene states:

I have been reading your blog for a while learning about being submissive. I think all your health issues are your body telling you that your needs aren’t being met as much as you claim they are. You feel you are only being looked after only in the sick role. Maybe it is the submissive of you waiting for others to notice you, or you are only submissive or weaker when ill, overweight,unfit. I know my comments are unasked or even welcomed, polite, but my curiosity overwhelms me.
Take care,
Dare

Darlene,

That’s just not how submission works. I feel my happiest when I’m able to serve him and care for him, not when he’s caring for me. I hate not being able to do things when I’m sick and it creates a lot of worry on my part if I do feel less than perfect.

My weight has nothing to do with any limitations on my service to KnyghtMare and since I’ve been obese for almost 30 years now I can tell you that it’s not a cry for attention. I just want to be accepted for who I am, whoever that may be.

All of my needs are met by KM, so completely. I can’t see how a UTI or carpal tunnel, Hypothyroidism or Celiac Sprue is a manifestation of lack of fulfillment. It’s just life. I’ve always been susceptible to illness moreso that KM and I’m a clutz – anyone that knows me can attest to that!

I appreciate your comments and I realize that you are still learning about submission as your message states. I can only encourage you to see beyond the current health issues I’ve had realize that my submission goes further than that and THAT is what makes me happy and fulfilled. I’ve never been more happy than when I’m able to make KM’s world better.

–lunaKM

Anonymous asks:

Dear LunaKM,

I am very new to BDSM and have found that exploring on-line is the safest bet for me right now. I found FetLife via your SubGuide page and want to join for the community and support. However, being new and never having been on-line before I am a little hesitant. I want to make a good impression but not come off as mean or snotty or that I know it all. How can I write a good profile for FetLife as someone who has never been on-;line before that people will want to interact and have conversations with as well as take me seriously? I don’t even use Facebook. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Thank You and Take Care.

Hi there,

First, as long as you act yourself then I think you’ll be fine interacting with people online. Treat them how you would like to be treated, that’s a good moto. You will encounter people who are know-it-alls and snots but as long as you don’t let them get to you things will run smooth.

Now as far as a profile, it’s really up to what you want to convey. Many people use it as a little bio about themselves with how long they have been into BDSM, and hobbies they enjoy. Others use it to help network with groups and friends. Still others use it as a place to put favorite quotes or comments. What I recommend is that you leave the about me section blank for awhile and just surf around and look at other people’s profiles. Once you see how others have theirs set up you might be inspired for how you’d like yours.

And if you don’t like it, then it’s very easy to change.

–lunaKM

Anonymous asks:

LunaKM,

That is so exciting that you might be moving this summer. I know moving is a hassle but I personally love the excitement of it as someone who has moved extensively over the years. My question to you is will you still be Blogging and maintaining SubGuide and DomGuide during and after you move? Will you still be hosting Chat Nights as well?

Thanks and Good Luck with your move into another flat.

Well that will depend on how quickly we get internet in the new place. It won’t be long though because Master works from home and needs the internet to make the money we use to live on. Blogging might be slow but I always have subguide and domguide queued up with posts a month in advance (for example I’m writing for April right now). Since chat nights are only twice a month I doubt that moving will interfere with the schedule.

Anonymous(2) asked:

Why is your Form-Spring Page no longer anonymous? When I went to ask a question the other day it asked me to sign up to ask you a question? Are you still maintaining that forum?

Formspring changed they way they manage users and whatnot. I didn’t make any changes to it. So, if formspring is asking you to make an account then that is what they are doing to manage spam and control their service.

Anonymous(3) asked:

I was just wondering when the next SubGuide Chat Night would be and if you might be able to reschedule the topic of Online Submission? This topic is very interesting to me and I would love to be able to chat with others about it and get their perspectives on this issue as well.

Cheers,

Thank You.

The next chat night is on the 19th and will be, as always, a free topic chat. The first chat night in April will be a topical chat and I will be doing the Online Submission topic that I didn’t get to do this month.

Anonymous(4) asked:

LunaKM,

I was just wondering if and when you might be planning on doing another Book Club? I really enjoyed the last two and thought they were a wonderful way to read and research BDSM and the Kink Lifestyle with the main focus being on Submission and ways to keep improving in that area in one’s own personal life. Maybe you could do the Miss Abernathy Training Book or a section from that book next.

Thanks for everything and take care.

Yes there will be another book club event. I don’t know when yet or what book. I will not, however, do Ms Abernathy’s book because it is more of a workbook and can’t really be done as a book club topic. Thanks for asking and keep and eye on the site for the next announced club event.

Julie asks:

Do you think you would feel insecure if Froggy wasn’t a BBW?

Well, first that wouldn’t be the sort of girl KM goes for. He is very open about only preferring large girls. So I never have to feel insecure in my place in Master’s heart. He loves the fatties. The curves drive him wild.

Now, if that weren’t the case and Master didn’t have a size preference in his girls then 1.) I would have been so very very insecure in the first moments he walked off the plane, this 19 year old muscle-y man was here to be with me. Yeah, talk about insecure! But I wasn’t because he had made it clear over and over that he wanted a big girl and nothing else would do.

I think I might feel insecure only if he appeared to have more fun with froggy and less fun with me. Clearly that isn’t the case anyway. I can see the joy in his face all the time so I’m by far not worth less than every moment we have together. He and I have talked and he said he has different fun with both of us. Things he can do with froggy he has fun with and things he does with me he loves just as much.

Things seem pretty equal and I’m not insecure at all in my place in his heart.

–lunaKM

Does froggyKM have a blog as well? I’d love to read stuff from her as well is she has some.

No, froggy does not have a blog. She personally admits that she hates to write.

Are you planning any more video posts for the future?

I’m always planning Subguide video posts, getting them done however is where I fall through. They’ll get done eventually.

Are you still updating your Slutty Stats?

Yes I am!

Your slutty stats counter is fun and interesting- never seen someone keep track of that before on their blog. How did you get started with that? Was is your Master’s idea?

It started last year as something fun to watch change and to kind of log our sexual escapades without blogging about them. I lost track of them about August of last year and the stats stopped. I decided to pick them back up again this year and it’s still going strong! It was completely my idea.

volkswagon7 asks:

Do you feel that froggyKM will become a permanent part of your household? Are any of you three open to her living with you?

Master and I have talked about this before and froggy has chimed in herself. Here’s where we stand right now.

Froggy is more than willing to live together AFTER she raises her child. That’s another 10 years or so in this situation.

Master and I can comfortably see a close living arrangement, where we live next to each other, or in the same complex or something like that. Master would then split his time between myself and froggy. I don’t think we’d work well as a “family” unit all in one house long term.

However she is a permanent part of our lives right now. Master collared her and she’s exclusive to him. So, I consider that as a permanent thing. I think she does too.