Yesterday after a rocky start to the day Master and I reconnected. We reconnected a lot! Heh.

During one of our hot steamy reconnections my mind kept screaming thoughts to him, things I wanted him to do to me. For the most part I tend to keep these things silent. Besides, if he’s playing with my clit for example, and I get this urge to have him grind his whole hand against my pubic bone it’s just not something I’m going to tell him because he’s having a great time doing what he’s doing and I’m not NOT enjoying it. It’s hard to explain really.

Last night we played with the fantasy I have of more than one guy. Master was filling in for all of them of course. In the heat of a really good moment I had one of those silent screams that I wanted him to do something. I wanted him to make me suck his dick. It was part of my fantasy usually and so I licked my lips and looked at him. I said it, I actually voiced what I wanted him to do and OMG it was hot!

I’m not sure what keeps me from voicing these things, if there is some residual feeling that I’d be topping from the bottom or that it’s embarrassment and shame that I’m such a cock hungry slut at times. Master likes to make me blush by taking note of my slutty behavior and having me repeat him. It’s a hot uncomfortable feeling.  I get that same feeling when the inner voice screams for something that would make me even more a slut.

Don’t get me wrong, I love being Master’s slut, but when I find myself aiding the very thing that makes me embarrassed I keep it hiding. Does anyone else feel embarrassed by their own sexual desires as I do? Probably, but it’s also encouraged in our dynamic. He loves humiliating me sexually and gets off on making me repeat his dirty talk, pointing out how wet I’ve gotten or how loud I’m moaning. And I love it.

So, do I try to voice those inner screams more often and make myself even more slutty? I’m sure Master will ask me to do so. And I will have to break down that barrier and try.

–luna

Yesterday was a crummy day. Master decided that yesterday was the day he’d tell me everything that he is frustrated about or things I’m failing on, etc. I really wish he’s not wait till all of it piles up and then I feel like shit and not worth the collar I’m wearing.

No where does it say here or on Submissive Guide that I’m perfect or that I don’t have issues, so I really hope that people aren’t holding me up to a higher standard. I’m still a person and I can have problems and issues. Obviously I now have a lot to work on.

Trust me, this blog will probably be very interesting for awhile.

First, a common and reoccurring issue with Master and myself. I have a huge issue with blow jobs. Well, actually it’s the swallowing that he asks for. I have a block for the taste and it totally trips me up. I get the heebby jeebbies. Master insists that I learn how to swallow without complaining, the tremors or spitting. I’ve been trying since we first got together. When I’m in slut mode then I can definitely do it without the mental block, but when he’s asked me while he’s jacking off or when I’m giving him the hand job I just don’t have that mindset to swallow. Blow jobs are worse. I dread the end, I really do.

We’ve talked about it and this can not be a limit for me since I do it occasionally. It has to be a mental block. Something I need to get over, and soon so that he’s happier. I’m really not sure how to get over the block since practice doesn’t seem to be doing a good job at that.

Spitting doesn’t count. Even though I find it to be progress in the right direction, he doesn’t agree. So, I realize that practice will be part of it but how I can mentally work out the block in my head is another issue. I swear I’ve talked about this issue so much on this blog you all have to be sick of it. I can hear you all know, “just swallow already!”

So Master got totally pissed when he asked me to swallow and I spit instead. The big part of it though was the complaining before hand. I’ll cover that in another post since I’m still digesting it.

I’m looking for recommendations on how to clear the mental block. I have plenty of suggestions about how to make it taste better. I don’t need more of those. It’s not just the taste that stops me. That’s where I need help.

–luna

I’ve written about anal training before. You might be interested in my beginners post about anal training. My ass is going through a change. Master is preparing it for anytime use. I’m back on the schedule of wearing my butt plug every other night as a part of my bedtime routine. I don’t object to it as much as I did when I had to wear them during the day. I’ve made it a good 2 hours or so with it before I get up with the strong urge that it has to come out. Kindly he lets me take it out.

Even on bad butt days he’s been patient and let me take the butt plug out. Thank god for patience on those days. The butt cramps are not fun whatsoever.

But it’s more than anal training with plugs. Master loves anal sex. He’s anal fixated some days and I can hope that my inner system is agreeable. I love the feeling of Master’s cock in my ass. It’s more than that. I love feeling come in my ass. I can’t explain it but the force I feel of his cock pulsing and releasing is so pleasurable. It makes the painful entrance and the sweet tingling sensation as he fucks me all the more wonderful.

Playing with my ass is one activity that makes me feel very dirty. I’m not a complete slut unless he plays with my ass. Then I feel surrendered to my role as his slut. I like being his slut and he makes me feel so good when he’s using me as he wishes and playing with my ass or if I have something crammed in there to fill me up. The hottest thing he does is put a finger in there while he’s fucking me. God I love it and I can’t explain why.

So the butt plug training is not only just training my ass to get used to stretching, it’s to remind me that my ass isn’t off limits for his use. I also feel that he’s wanting me to feel very submissive to him and my ass is one of those things that brings me into that space.

Ass space, slut space, my sexual submission to him all in that butt plug.

–luna

Master has a beautiful cock. I love just looking at it. He is generally okay with my analysis when I like to stroke the veins, play with the triangular patch of skin of his ball sack until it wrinkles and I love watching it grow and move. I could spend hours transfixed at his crotch watching the foreskin slide back and forth, running my nails along the shaft and marveling at the purple color of his swollen head. This is not cock worship, it’s my fascination.

I’ve been learning what pleases Master when it comes to his dick and the way I pleasure him. I don’t always get it right and as you’ve read recently I have different ways that oral pleasure is treated. What really drives him wild is when I’m cock hungry and quite a whore. I enjoy my sexual freedom of those time too. Master has said that I’m an amazing cock sucker, but I wasn’t always this way.

It’s taken a lot of patience and practice. Something he’s willing to sacrifice for me to get it right. I take his direction and I try to cement it in my mind as something he likes. It’s almost like a play book. If I do this one way, then I know he’ll respond like that, but if I do it this way he’ll really respond like this! My current study is two-fold: deep throating and swallowing. I’d prefer if I never had to swallow, but alas that argument has been dismissed. I don’t practice these new techniques nearly enough for Master. I’d like to get really good at everything to do with his cock, since it is so special to both of us.

I’d like to worship it, I’d like to get so good at pleasing him with the right whore-mindset that he’s always satisfied and I’m contented. I’d like to take it out of my service and place it in sex. Which is a whole other thought process right there.

I don’t consider oral sex to be sex. I don’t think I ever have. It’s always been a separate part of what I do with my partners. Creating a cock worshiping scene would, I think, separate it even more so. Not bad at all, just different. I think it would definitely be a better way for me to show my submission if I can get into the right space to give him this type of blow job when I know there won’t be anything else involved. Just his sexual pleasure.

I’d like to be comfortable enough to not use my hands as a guard when I’m deep throating or he’s face fucking me. I get so scared that I’ll suffocate or gag or worse. I’d like to give that control over to Master someday. It’s all a process.

I’ve come a long way from where I started. Yes I sucked cock before I met Master, but not a whole lot. I think you can count the number of times I did it for my ex on one hand (but there were other circumstances there), I did it to my casual sex partners because I knew that if I did it, they’d do it in return. I think there was one dominant play partner I did it with. I don’t think I was that great because I was always getting pointers from them; I just took it in stride as they were open enough to express their personal preferences. No one said I was bad at it.

I was. I’ve learned how not to do it, and how to do it better. I’ve learned a lot about the feel of Master’s dick in my mouth and what he does and doesn’t like. I’m learning what will make my pleasure mood come out so that he gets his cock slut more often. I like it when I’m his cock slut. (and cum slut, fuck slut, pain slut, rope slut, etc…)

Master says I’m improving. I like to hear that. I like knowing that even though I’m not always in the mood I’m still learning what he likes. I have a long way to go before he’s satisfied with my services. I have a longer way to go to be satisfied with my response.

Either way, Master has a beautiful cock.

–luna

Orgasm denial and control is a well documented activity online; you can find all sorts of thoughts and opinions, how-tos and what nots from anyone and everyone under the sun. I’m not intending to add any more new ideas to this topic. Here are, in my opinion, a couple of the better written essays out there:

SMack! Orgasm Control and Training

Enforced Male Chastity: Questions about Orgasm Denial

If you know of any others, please drop it in the comments and I will add it

When Master said that I was to only orgasm when he said so I was baffled at two things. The first being the challenge of coming when he said so. The second was my willpower to not come if he said no. The battle of wills would be pushed over and over again. When my ability to masturbate was taken away I was sure that I would shrivel up into a prude and loose all desire for sex. I was half right.

Let me begin with the command to come. At first I was unsure how that would go. I can’t just come by thinking about it and I knew from experience that I was the only one that could get me off in 30 seconds flat. How I was going to be ready to come when he said so was a question that came up right away. Well, it turns out I was worried for nothing. He would ask of course, if I was on the edge, if I was wanting to come soon. No pressure right? That meant I had to learn to relax and let myself feel and become more a part of my orgasm than I ever had in the past. I had to learn to control it. I had to learn to voice when I was close. Both of these things were very hard.

The main reason I was doubtful of being able to come on command was that I was very unsure that Master would be able to touch the right spots, turn me on so much that he could do it. Past experience was lacking in that department. I came into this relationship not expecting to come without my own two fingers. That was quickly rectified. He is quite sharp at picking up my sighs and shivers and knowing (and remembering) exactly where I want and need to be touched. I’ve never been happier with Master’s abilities.

My other doubt was what would happen when he said, “Come!” and I couldn’t. What if I just was too embarrassed, not ready, his finger moved and I lost the moment, or something else happened. Would I be letting him down? Would he try to get me back there or would he say I had my chance and now it was over? What if I wasn’t able to relax and let it wash over me once he gave permission? All valid questions at the time. Talking with Master reassured me completely. If I wasn’t ready or something happened last moment all I need do was say so. He wouldn’t leave me hanging unless that was the game he was playing and I shouldn’t feel embarrassed if I just couldn’t get there when he wanted me to. We’d work on all of it.

It was inevitable that there would be a moment when I was so close to coming that when I asked he said ‘No’. I didn’t know what to do. I panicked and bucked, fighting his fingers, grabbing them so that he would stop because my whole core said that something bad would happen if I came anyway. ‘Holding it’ is almost impossible. I pant, I squeeze my eyes shut. I beg harder. It’s a game to him. To me it’s a will to obey. I have not yet come without permission; he likes to watch me struggle and then give me release after a few denials. A dirty trick, for sure!

Master took my ability to masturbate away from me for a long duration. During that time my sexual drive actually plummeted and it had a detrimental effect on our relationship. I have my ability to masturbate again ( as long as I tell him I did so ). It’s a relief mechanism, stress reliever and I find it harder than ever now. It’s not like if I got caught in the act I would be in trouble. I find it hard to tell him in the morning that I had masturbated because I don’t want him to think that I didn’t want him. Masturbation for me hasn’t really ever been about pleasure. I don’t think it ever will be.

To come for Master when he commands it is highly more pleasurable than I ever thought it could be. I do have to get over the humiliation of begging for permission. I really do hate it. He says I’m getting better at it, and for that I’m grateful. It will mean that one day I will be perfect at begging? Maybe. Maybe he’ll just set the bar higher then. Either way, coming when he wants it is a powerful piece of my submission in his hands. And I like it like that.