Brush it Off

The past 3 days have gone by painfully. I’m in a funk that makes me hard to talk to, I’m snippy and grumpy, withdrawn and unapproachable. Today I’ve cried for no reason and Master has noted my gloomy mood on more than one occasion. I don’t know why I feel this way. I can’t pinpoint anything that triggered my mood. I’m hoping I can shake it soon.

Ya know, maybe part of it is that I went straight from being sick to having my period. Sexual contact has been off the table for over 2 weeks! Master and I both are going insane. Period should be done by tomorrow so, as long as my mood goes away we’ll be busy… very busy.

Yesterday Master got news that his grandmother died. He is taking it better than I would, but I guess we handle death differently. What’s more frustrating is our cell phone plan won’t let him call home.

I went to Target yesterday with Master’s permission and got some make up supplies that would make my desire to learn proper technique a lot easier. I got some nice Sonia  Kashuk brushes. I love them and can’t believe I’ve been using the crummy ones that I have been after today’s use. What a difference. I’m hoping to get some new eyeshadows in the coming months. I have a few new quad packs from walmart but I’m looking to get some quality stuff soon. I’m also watching a ton of videos on youtube for makeup application. I’ve found a woman I really really like: Makeup by TiffanyD. I’ve subscribed to her blog and I think I’ve watched at least half of her videos.

My next hope is that after I get into a routine of makeup application that I’ll start a skin care routine that includes moisturizer. Somewhere in my mind it says that if I take care of myself that my outer self with improve my inner self. I want to feel good about myself. Master will appreciate that, no doubt.

–luna

Made Up

I feel ugly. I’ve felt unhappy with myself for several months. It’s been about that long since I got my eyebrows waxed. Something about that always makes me feel pretty. I have crappy makeup supplies and even worse talent in applying it.

I want to feel pretty again. Part of Master’s rules has always been to wear makeup, take care of my hair and remain hairless below my neck. I’ve really gone downhill in all of those things. It has to start somewhere but I think learning to apply makeup the way I want to look would be wonderful.

Tonight I’ve spent some time watching videos about makeup application and looking at cosmetics websites and dreaming up what I’d like to have. I have a few new pieces of makeup today and I’m going to practice my application skills so that I can hopefully perfect what I want to ultimately look like.

My experience with makeup application is my mother’s baby blue eyeshadow and pink lipstick. My best friend and I used to put on make up when we spent the night. She did really good but I can’t remember all the tricks we learned as children. I’m starting over from scratch.  I want to learn how to do really neat eyeshadow techniques, wear eyeliner correctly and feel feminine again.

I have this huge pull to be feminine. I can’t explain it really. I want to wear dresses and skirts, although winters in Iowa is hardly the place for that. I want sexy clothing and I want to be someone that others look at and lust after. Sure I’m fat, but that is just one obstacle. Feeling beautiful will lead to being beautiful.

We’ll see what Master says about getting more makeup supplies.

I’d love your makeup tips if you have any.

–luna

Far Away from Trying

I’m not doing so well keeping up with my blogging rule. I know that it will end up in the punishment book to be atoned for on Sunday. I was supposed to write a letter to Master on Sunday and I didn’t blog yesterday either. Now I’m writing to kinda make up for yesterday even though there isn’t a way to make up for it (and changing the publish date is so very wrong). Let’s face it, everyone fails to get everything done all the time. I am not perfect, but I try.

Trying is what Master likes to hear. He knows a lot of what I am learning is hard for me, or requires some mental rewiring. When I don’t make it work well, but I can at least I say I’m trying he’s fine with that. It’s progress and that is a good thing. I can keep trying until I make it, but failing is never an option.

That is why I guess I feel so bad about my inability to stick to this life change of weight loss and exercise. There are days that if he asked me if I was trying, I would have to admit that no, I’m not and I don’t care today. It’s not acceptable. It hurts him to see me fail and even more that I beat myself up over it all the time. I know it would be a lot easier if I just tried at it instead of the pity parties I throw and the painful guilt I have almost daily about not reaching my meager goals I set almost daily.

Like yesterday, I didn’t exercise at all and I knew that I would feel bad if I didn’t. I had time; I spent a lot of the night watching movies on Netflix. I could have easily done 30 minutes of exercise and been a lot prouder of myself. Now today, I set the same goal: 30 minutes of exercise. Will I make it? I have yet to know. I’m at work and exercising at work consists of walking around the office building. It doesn’t really get my heartrate up so I don’t like to do it, but it would still be exercise. It counts. All of it counts.

I’m obsessing over what I don’t achieve when I do know I have success too. I stayed within my calorie limit yesterday. I didn’t snack mindlessly and I recorded everything I ate in my food diary. I’ve done the same today and even put in dinner since I know it’s not the healthiest so that I can work my meals and snacks around it. This is progress.

I think I feel all this even more right now because I’m bloated an cranky and easily irritated. I’d like to just sleep this week away, but I also want to please Master more than I have had the desire in a long while. My body is overruling my heart right now. Master is trying to be sympathetic but I’m just being grumpy about all of it. This isn’t way I wanted to be this week. Ugh.

Last weekend Master and I felt more connected than we have in a long time. I felt so satisfied in my role and I loved that I could please him and that he smiled at me so much. We were playful and loving and the roles were defined well. It was good. I wanted to keep it going this week but again, my body is fighting that every step of the way.

How I am feeling right now has to be related to my period it really does. I’ve been getting better at things and feeling okay about myself. I’ve been active and satisfied with life. We have goals and dreams and we are even closer to them. This dark cloud over me has to be hormone related. There is no other explanation.

Personal Grooming

As a part of my Physical Appearance, I need to start working on my personal grooming habits, pick up more care in what I do and hopefully do some things at home that would normally cost at a spa. I’d like to pick up a routine for at-home waxing, makeup application tips, manicures and pedicures and maybe the basic haircut. Moisturizing would also be a nice thing to know as well.Right now I don’t have a lot of fancy grooming habits. I bathe, shave, and care for my hair on a regular basis. I apply a bit of makeup as I learned how to do about 15 years ago. Nothing has been enhanced and I would love to be able to be that one sexy woman in the room that can care for herself just as Master would like.

I know that when I do care for myself I feel better, sexier; with a higher self esteem, and most likely it radiates around me in what I do and how I act. My behavior is generally more pleasant if I like the way I have cared for myself. I don’t know if that is the case with everyone or not.

I found this fantastic website that I’d like to share and keep track of. It’s ExpertVillage.com and I have a treasure trove of DIY videos on the very things I’d like to learn. The good part about it, is they are free! Here’s the ones I’ve found so far:

Professional Makeup Application Tips

Home Waxing

Pedicure Instructions

Home Manicure

Skin Care Basics

There are so many more that I’m sure I could be lost for hours in this site. I’d recommend it to anyone searching for how to’s with visual aids.

I believe that with my job, I should begin to be able to care for myself a lot more. I hope that these tips and goals will improve my life and self-esteem. I also hope to get back into the diet I was doing… more on that in another entry sometime soon.

–luna

Appearance is Everything

There are several aspects of appearance that I need to be aware of for Master. These are physical appearance, dress and health. Within each of these requirements I need to do certain things to appease him. I am fighting with the way I was raised, and they laziness I fell into when I got married. All of these bad habits must end. I must care for Master’s possession with the up-most care and while each day is a new baby step I know that in some respects I will always be struggling.

Physical Appearance

I am not to leave the house without makeup. This has been a very hard one to relearn. I used to leave for class everyday with make up on before I got married. Some reason or another I became uncaring what I looked like and stopped the habit. Now I am forced to get back into the habit. I know he does this because he sees the response in me when I do wear makeup. I love it. It makes me feel desirable and sexy and it shows. I still have my days where I forget till I’m almost out the door and carelessly through on some eye pencil and blush so that I can pass his inspection if he so deems it necessary.

I have begun on my own to start caring for my hair more than I have; now that I have a lot more hair than I ever have before. Master prefers it down, but I prefer it partially up so that it’s out of my face and when I’m lazy I try to get away with a ponytail. Not always successful though. I’ve begun to experiment with styling products so that my long locks are still manageable throughout the day and not frizzy piles of brown tresses.

Dress

My outward appearance is something I’ve been working on since Master and I came together. He has always wished me to be presentable and dressed nicely. I used to always shed my outside clothes for more comfortable sweats, tees and pj’s. This isn’t acceptable now. While he hasn’t decided what he would wish me to wear, I know that he dislikes frumpy clothing; so I don’t wear it. Perhaps one day when luxury finds us he can decide on some sort of uniform (or lack thereof) for me.

Health

I am on a diet. Master has not forced me into it, I chose it for myself with the one understanding from him that if I were to start I can not stop till I reach a healthy safe weight and activity level. As of the time I write this I have lost 40 lbs. I’ve been stuck at this plateau for almost a year but I’ve not given up. I’m just not working as hard as I used to and it shows. I believe this may be the hardest change for me to do, but it will be the most worth it in the end. Along with the diet, Master expects that I eat healthy, drink plenty of water and that I ask to eat sweets (which I generally do). I still have a long way to go.

–luna