I’ve been reading the book Slavecraft by a grateful slave to do a review for Submissive Guide. It is a collection of essays written by one slave about his exploration in deeper submission and servitude. I’m finding myself growing as a submissive in my own relationship and feel that I could develop further just by thinking about the words in the book. It’s not really a book for novices for sure, but definitely for submissives seeking more about themselves, to understand that deeper ocean of our submission.

One of the essays was about obedience, that it’s a primary function for a slave one that brings the most joy. I’m finding myself wanting to connect to this essay more than the others right now, mainly because I do have an issue with obeying and want to please Master but can’t get my head around the fact that the WAY AND MANNER for which I obey is what is important, not the obedience itself.

When I treat some of Master’s commands as a chore, or show distaste in doing them the way and manner at which I perform is not completing the full task; my obedience is fails me. Part of the failure is the feelings I have that are hindering my actions. I have lost the submissive space that will result in joyful obedience.

Master gets this obedience on occasion, and he loves when I am able to obey fully but lately it is lacking and while I seek to help novice submissives, I am also trying to rectify my own issues with my mindset. I have tossed back and forth the idea of a meditation or something that would ground me in my submission when I feel it waning. I really do want to serve joyfully and get depressed when I know that the mindset is off.

Correcting my obedience would help Master through leaps and bounds as he develops his Mastery more. I know that I can make it easier for him if I could correct myself. It will take time, but now that I can see what I need to do, I can devise a way to put the plan into action. No doubt there will be struggle and fight in me as I shift; but the outcome is well worth it.

I will change the way and manner in which I obey so that instead of saying, ‘I obeyed,’ I can say ‘I joyfully obeyed.’ I know that the happiness I seek will bring me closer to the level of service I wish to provide.

–luna

Reading across the blogosphere you will encounter these words almost synonymous to each other: Discipline and Punishment. The words are far from the same however some dynamics treat them the same. In fact for the longest time I have used the word punishment when I mean discipline. It’s even possible that Master has used these words interchangeably as well. I’ve done some thinking to try to sort out what these two words mean in our dynamic and how they are employed. I have a preference for clearly defined terms and boundaries so these two words are worth defining.

There is also the camp that believes that punishment (lowercase) is the play form with impact toys or spanking and that Punishment (uppercase) is the correction of bad behavior. I’m going to be referring to the later form in this post. The P/punishment debate can very well take up another post.

As to what I believe discipline is, I’ve now been able to categorize the things that Master does to keep me in line, the smaller corrections and the weekly maintenance with the black book are my discipline. Essentially for us discipline is part of the training. I can’t be a perfect submissive right from the start and part of moulding my behavior has to be correcting me when I put a toe out of line. I have to admit that at first he was disciplining me all the time. Learning the rules and not being a smart ass was really hard for me. It’s not second nature yet but I feel that it will get easier.

Discipline comes in all shapes and sizes. For our relationship it’s apology, corner time and cane strokes. I get corner time for most of the infractions that warrant more than my proper apology. I hate corner time. I think what I hate most about it is that I’m not getting any attention. I have to sit and just count the seconds in my head and watch the kitties sit around my feet wondering when I’m going to move so that I can play (unless you’re Max, then you just want my seat). I’m terrified of canes and so when Master directs me to get the cane I almost shiver and my heart gets faster. Its hurts and it scares me. Which is the point.

Punishment though is a different beast. Punishment is for very severe infractions. I consider this to be things that could be deal breakers or relationship enders. Punishment of this caliber should be rare or not at all. Things that make the dominant decide if punishment is the way to go instead of release are personal. I’ve read many dominant comments on this topic and a lot of them choose release.

The one punishment I’ve been through was really rough. It’s been almost 2 years. I remember it like it were just last week. I thought our relationship was done for. I had broken his trust and I didn’t know how to gain it back. I’m happy to say that I have.

Keeping these things separate and defined for us is good for our continued growth.

What do you say? Are they defined differently for you?

–luna

Being that I’m a masochist, I love pain. I’ve never really thought about it or analyzed what that means really, but reading other people’s blogs has always helped me see that saying I’m masochist is just another huge personal term in BDSM as a whole. So, to think it though, this is what being a masochist means to me.

I eroticize pain. I get the most thrill from impact play; be it flogging, spanking, paddles or crops. Just thinking about these activities can stir my sexual responses. I like sting more than thud which I’m beginning to think is a rare thing. So many people I talk to cringe when I say I like sting. I’ve always interpreted thud to be kinda uneventful. Now don’t get me wrong, I love the feel of a heavy flogger thudding across my back, but the masochist in me wants sting and feeds off of it. I get the most gratification from a mixture of sting and thud. I like intense and steady once I’ve made to to that happy place.

Constant pain like clothespins and nipple clamps or the swelling of areas while the blood flow is cut off is another delicious pain, but it’s one that I have a tendency to struggle against. In this I know that I like the struggle, I like the feeling that I can’t take one more minute and yet proving myself wrong over and over again. I like to tremble as the endorphins take hold and I like the buzzy feeling I get when the pain has reached the threshold. Going past the threshold is just pain, not pleasure at all. With constant pain, pushing me over the edge will max me out.

How I process the pain really depends on how I’ve gone into the scene. The easiest for me is to moan and groan and sigh, allowing my body to express itself any way I can. I tend to wiggle or struggle with it and then against the pain. To space a bit I have to get past this point. I have to progress to silence and acceptance. When the pain of the impact toy blurs with pleasure and is more muted no matter how fierce it may be is when I can find a zone that I love to sit in and probably could for hours. It is cathartic and feels healing in a way.

Another way I like to process pain is to bring out the tears. It’s a release to cry and sob and let the natural expression of pain come out. It starts out small and can lead to screams and loud cries. In this state I think I could get the most personal satisfaction from. I feel that I can push myself past the tears then I’ve made it to some level beyond what I thought I could have pushed myself.

It’s only been recently that Master has accepted that making me cry is okay. It used to be a full stop for him. Needless to say I crashed hard if he stopped then. I was just getting into it and then he’d stop because he thought my reaction was negative rather than positive. Many conversations later I think he’s accepting that I will call red if I’m done.

One of the most embarrassing ways I communicate pleasure in pain is by laughing. I get this way on more occasions than I can count. He could be going at me with the paddle and it will be so painful that I laugh and laugh. I try to stop only to explode in laughter more. I don’t know if it was harder for Master to accept this than the crying, but I know that I still have problems when I laugh. It just feels… out of place. I’m not mocking the scene at all, I swear. It just feels so darned painful that I have to let it out somehow.

So, being a masochist is my own personal definition of pain translation. I don’t have an ache for pain very often but when I do I’m pretty good at telling Master I need something. We’re open that way. Since Master has grown in his role we’ve been better at giving each other what we need at the right time.

I feed his sadistic desires and he fuels my masochism dreams.

–luna

I have a headache, which means that this post will either be rambling or so full of thought that you wouldn’t believe I had a headache. Either way I’m sure it will be enjoyable. Come along for the ride.

I’ve been doing a lot of reevaluating my life lately. How I wonder if I’m working the right job, or caring for myself enough (which I’m not) or caring for Master enough… on and on until it’s enough to just explode! I guess what it all comes down to is if I’m happy. I am. I’m very happy. I’m working with new rules and Master and I have had some of the best sex recently. We have perpetual plans for play since we aren’t very spontaneous when it comes down to it. We aren’t strapped for cash, we have a small savings for Shibaricon in May and all in all things run smoothly.

I’m not great at making and keeping friends. They seem to run through my fingers. It’s not just that we aren’t compatible, it’s because neither party wants to manage the upkeep. I wonder if my best friend and I are just friends because we know so much about each other and know that she calls me because she gets free long distance, it’s not about that I don’t want to call her. We just have this unspoken agreement. If I get free long distance I would be calling her everyday. Which she does in short durations anyhow. We’re going on 2o years as best friends. Been through a whole lot together and I don’t see us separating even if she lives 1400 miles away right now getting her PhD in Sociology. She’s such an intelligent woman. I am jealous of her. I know I wouldn’t have the stuff to make it that far.

Can Master and I make it? Most certainly I can see us together for a very long time, but unlike past relationships I don’t tend to ponder what it would be like in 5 years, 10 years, further. It’s just not necessary. Anyhow things are constantly shifting and changing, I have no idea what I’ll be like in that long, let alone our relationship. I’ve gone so far in my submission that I can’t look back at what was either. On occasion my best friend will mention how much I’ve changed. Usually it’s things like, “You know, 5 years ago it would have been hard for me to call and not have the conversation always be about you. Now it’s like I always have you ear even if I’m the one that needs to vent. I always feel better after talking with you.” It’s a good feeling to know I’m not as needy, self absorbed and gossipy. It gets rid of the drama.

Speaking of drama, there is some heavy shaking going on in a local munch group that while everyone involved is my friend it makes me wonder what sort of a fallout will affect our new blossoming group. I want to stay friends with everyone involved and I’m sure I can to some extent, but it also means learning when I can talk about someone and when I can’t. It’s like walking on eggshells. Not very fair; but that’s drama.

On to blog drama, I did upgrade my WordPress to 2.5 successfully. I was playing with it when Master let me log in as root to the database server. This is where I deleted my blog. Completely. Poof. In one second I had no blog. Thankfully I remembered I had a backup from 3 months ago. But I did loose a lot of posts that were prewritten to be posted well into this year in fact. I lost all of my comments and a few other things. It’s sad, but I will have to just move on. It means a little bit more work to recover my thought process on the path this blog is taking and here’s some of the things I’d like to continue blogging about on here:

• My constant training and it’s struggles. This is the most important part of this journal and I hope that I can continue to express how living as a submissive full time is just plain hard.
• Sex and play with Master. I’m really feeling the need to write more descriptively the play and sex that Master and I have. It’s wonderful experiences that while Master has certain things he’d like kept secret I know he’d love to read my juicy thoughts on this blog.
• My challenge to lose weight. It’s not going to be in the forefront but it’s who I am. It’s a part of my everyday so it’s a part of this blog.
• Thursday Questions. It’s almost like journal prompts, but not. Heh. I like the participation it brings.

I’m sure there are other things I could include in that list, but this is a good start. I’m happy and for the most part, don’t see any dark cloud forming on the horizon.

–luna

I’ve been developing a submissive code of ethics for myself to help give me long term goals and a focus. I feel it will bring about change in me that perhaps I can’t see yet. As I develop each one listed below I will get more detailed as to how they help me in my submissive growth.

For myself

I will endeavor to express my needs and desires openly with Master without fear of reaction or consequences.

I will take great care about my appearance as it always reflects on Master even in vanilla settings where they do not know the dynamic exists.

Remaining healthy is very important to the health of our relationship. I will continue to work towards loosing weight and getting active until that time he feels I have reached my ultimate goal.

I will find beauty in serving Master in even the smallest things.

Seeking guidance from other more experienced submissives is acceptable and encouraged when no answers can be found elsewhere

For Master

My body is not my own and I will offer it to Master as frequently as I can; for his pleasure and sexual needs.

Master’s needs are a priority and I will strive to ensure his desires are met in an appropriate and timely manner.

I shall work hard towards learning and making habit the rules that Master sets out for me.

I promise to work hard at improving my home care so that Master’s home is always inviting for surprise guests and our comfort.

I’ve read a very good quote from an owner of a submissive who’s blog I read regularly. Kinky Little Girl was talking about punishment and how she let’s it continue to get to her after it’s over.

One of the earliest pieces of advice he ever gave me was, “Being a better submissive means learning to trust your Dominant to punish you when you need it and not do it to yourself.” I’ve always taken that to heart, but I’m not terribly good at putting it into practice.

I can completely relate. I know it’s not my job to do the punishing but when I’ve done something wrong I tend to feel so very guilty that it keeps me from returning to normal for a while until I feel that I’ve atoned for it; not when he’s done punishing me for it. With the advent of the punishment book I have a whole week’s worth of atoning to do at one time and while I’ve been lucky to only have one thing listed each week I have a part of me that continues the punishment from the very moment it gets put in there until Sunday night when I pay for it. This last week I was extremely frustrated and smarted back at Master quite rudely and I knew that I was in for it. It wasn’t a slip of the tongue, it was intentional and I could have gotten worse than I did. I got 15 minutes of corner time. I hate corner time and he knows it; which is probably why it works so well.

I started my own punishment mere minutes after he wrote it down. I chastised myself every time I said something, making sure that I was the sweetest person I could be. I apologized at least 3 times, offered to make his coffee or if he wanted anything to eat. Anything I could to amend myself to what I just did. Yeah, and I still paid for it Sunday with corner time.

It’s rather difficult for me to move on from when I get into trouble, past punishment. Even when Master says that the issue is done and over with I can’t drop it. I could have had 10 cane strokes and I still want to cry and fuss and try to make amends for it. He has said it’s done, why can’t I drop it?

All in all, I’m a good girl. I don’t get into trouble often anymore. I’ve learned I’m happier that way ;P But slips will happen and Master is quick to work them out of me. I just have to let it go and trust him that what he has done for punishment is atonement enough.

Yeah, I put in that darn trust word. It’s been a struggle to get all of my trust into his hands. I keep telling myself that it’s not that I don’t trust him; it’s that I don’t trust myself to let go. It’s been a huge learning experience and as we can see, I am far from done letting go.

He does have the best for me all laid bare. He knows what makes me tick and can tell what I’m thinking with just an eyebrow twitch. This man KNOWS me. Trust should come easy. He’s had to earn every scrap of it and I think it’s all related to me not letting it go. If I could let go, he’d have all of me now; we all know he would care for it.

Just accept his control, his love, his compassion, his discipline and his trust. Such easy sounding words… so hard to do.

I accept… gradually.

–luna

The goals of any submissive are as varied as the relationship as to which they tend. I’ve been given the task of naming the goals I currently have within my submission and then explain how I plan on working towards them. A daunting task indeed! I’ve really not given it much thought honestly before now and the task ahead puts a bit of pressure for me to define myself a bit and what I want. After I figure out my goals I have to realize whether or not it’s realistic, how I plan to go about it and what I think it will bring to the relationship.This task is a lot like the Code of Ethics I began writing. My Code is not as detailed as this is expected to be, but it is a stepping off point for me. I’m not sure if I ever showed you this code. I will go through it point by point and explain how it fits into my goals as a submissive.

I will endeavor to express my needs and desires openly with Master without fear of reaction or consequences.

I currently have issues with expressing all that needs expressing when it comes to sharing with Master. I tend to keep a lot of thoughts to myself when I know that I have brought it up too much, he has expressed that he’s heard it before or when it is troubling me; but not in a big way. I guess I perceive it as a way to keep him from being overburdened with all the baggage I bring with me and the wasteful fretting I do.

When it comes to sexual or sensual desires I’ve been a bit more open about what I want. This isn’t easy. I constantly feel that I need to just be available for you and if you want to make me come or have me in my favorite positions then you would just do it. I’m afraid that I might suggest something that you wouldn’t like to do and a part of me sees asking for what I want sexually as controlling your desires.

Overall I need to not be afraid of your response. I have seen and felt your wrath and I’d hate to bring it upon myself. I know that you can control your reactions and I shouldn’t be afraid as I used to be with others. It’s sort of like, “Don’t rock the boat.” If I say something and you get upset it disrupts are day/moment/relationship and I would hate for that to happen; however I know that you want to be kept informed of things for the betterment of the relationship. This is where I feel caught. I’m caught between sharing things and changing things and the talking would lead to better things. One never knows.

I will take great care about my appearance as it always reflects on Master even in vanilla settings where they do not know the dynamic exists.

I have a goal of caring for my body more than I do now. I want to make sure that I have a routine in place to care for myself someday. I want to make sure I don’t leave the house in anything that you wouldn’t approve of my wearing, I want to make sure my hair looks as best it should and my make up is just right for you at all times. This is a goal that is in progress but I know that there are days that I slack at my hair especially.

I want to be that jewel upon your arm that all people look to you; that feeling of pride in what you own for appearance alone, as that is what people will notice first. I know that in previous relationships it was a sense of shock and pity that people looked. I want the glances now to be admiration and jealousy. I hope to someday play my part in that.

Remaining healthy is very important to the health of our relationship. I will continue to work towards loosing weight and getting active until that time he feels I have reached my ultimate goal.

You put a rule out when I started dieting. I wasn’t to quit. Right now I don’t believe I’ve quit, but it isn’t as present as it could be. I’d like to work towards a healthy life with you. I know that if I were at a normal weight I’d have more energy and feel happier. I would want to do more with you sexually.

I want to change the way I eat so that I watch more what goes in my mouth and that I make smart choices. I desire to know that the food I put inside me is helping me stay healthy and live longer with you. I will not do anything to jeopardize our life together.

I will find beauty in serving Master in even the smallest things.

The smallest things. Typically these things are making coffee or fetching the remote. They just seem so mundane to be considered service to you. I think it would be best if I concentrate on the larger service issues before I got to the small ones, in fact, they may even fit into place once I develop my mindset on the big ones. Who knows?

Seeking guidance from other more experienced submissives is acceptable and encouraged when no answers can be found elsewhere.

You may be wondering why this is a part of my goals, but I know exactly what this is. If I want to be the best submissive for you, I have to know and experience as much as I can. I learn from reading other people’s blogs and sites; I chat with others and with these short mentoring sessions I can pick up something that would enhance our lives and you would love it. It’s a part of my creativity and desire to learn I think.

My body is not my own and I will offer it to Master as frequently as I can; for his pleasure and sexual needs.

I admit this is a hard one for me but one I would like to excel at in the near future. I want to be able to sense your needs and offer myself without your needing to ask me. I also want to be more pliable when the desire arises for you to take me by objectification or force.

Master’s needs are a priority and I will strive to ensure his desires are met in an appropriate and timely manner.

The importance of this one is paramount to all the others falling into place. If I don’t see your needs as priority to mine or someone else’s then why would we even have a D/s relationship to begin with? You are my Master and I will strive to make you happy as often as possible, keeping your needs above my own. I hope that this will become a mantra unto which I live my life at your feet.

I shall work hard towards learning and making habit the rules that Master sets out for me.

This one is kinda like saying that no matter what you give me as rules I will continue to try and follow them. I will try to grow and develop into the person you wish to have serve you always. That is my goal. I will change my behavior and strengthen my skills for you Master.

After all that I still think I have a long way to go. I’ve sorted out the goals I have and I know that I want to develop them, but truthfully, without your help I can not accomplish them. You are the person that I need around so that I can reach my goals, nothing more.

–luna