This new TV rule is interesting. At first, I could have sworn it was just because Master was pissed and wanted to take it out on someone (me). But it’s been a few days and he still tells me how much time I have allotted for TV watching and that any food TV is banned. It’s just odd and yet… easily accepted that I can’t just sit and watch whatever all day.

Honestly I feel like a little kid. I felt this way when he started the bed time rule too. Like I’m not an adult and can’t take care of myself. But I rarely ask to stay up anymore and when I do I’m lucky to last an hour later.  Now I’m asking him how much TV I can watch each day and then I sit down with the TV guide listings and plan if there are any shows I just gotta see. Usually there isn’t, but I do have some that I enjoy.

Food TV is banned because he said it controls my life. That I think about food then all day when I watch it. That is possibly true. I don’t know why I’m fixated on cooking shows and the like. It’s just interesting to me. But I guess that’s no more – or perhaps only on special occasions.

I know there are people who go everyday without the TV on, and there are even more that spend all day very active. I’m looking for a happy medium. Something I can enjoy and yet get everything done that I’ve wanted to do. I’ve been pretty focused and productive since he removed the freedom to use the TV. So it’s had some positive benefit no matter how I feel about it. And productivity is a good thing.

–lunaKM

I’ve been re-reading the Marketplace series. Reading it always makes me want to improve my submission for Master. He suggested I make a list of the things I’d like to work on. I haven’t done that yet, but I will. Some of the things on the list will be better voice training, a couple basic positions and immediate correction/discipline for failure to behave. Yeah, I want to make it harder on myself. Am I insane?

These are all things that Master has mentioned he’d like to have. We hold a higher protocol at home anyway so intensifying it is an awesome idea. I’m nervous of course. It’s a new level in our relationship and one that means giving up another independent part of myself over to Master for his care.

We are also discussing yet again about my diet and health. I need to lose weight and my personal dedication to it just sucks. I fail. Master doesn’t like the idea of controlling this part of my life, so I’m not sure what we will be able to negotiate.

Quick bits of play should be a part of everyday I think. Perhaps it would help keep our D/s playtime more alive and well. Right now it gets stagnant to non-existent.

I don’t know why the Marketplace series stirs me so much. I know it’s fantasy. I know that trying to attain the same level of submission is rare or impossible.  Does anyone else have the same feeling? I know in my heart I could never be a slave like those in the books, but I know I could bring myself closer to the submission I can feel in me with some of the ideas in the books.

Do you have a book that you feel tug at your submissive heartstrings?

One of the big things I’m to work on with our new start is my setting restrictions on my service. Most of these are in the form of ‘I don’t feel like it, or I don’t want to’ but I know I’m also likely to put things off and that restricts my service too.

I know that I should be obedient. I know that when Master says he wants something done I should do it. He has my best interests at heart and while I know that at the time I don’t want to, they will not harm me. Most of what he requests that I tend to put limits on is sexual in nature. Just last night he suggested something and I said I didn’t want to do that; thus it didn’t happen. He was upset because I had again put limits on my service.

Why I wasn’t in the mood doesn’t matter. What I should have done is submitted to him. He asked me a bit later if that should have been a moment where he asserted his dominance and done one of the focusing rituals we discussed (pulling my hair or slapping my face). I said no, but now I’m not so sure. It’s so confusing to know what will work or what won’t. We are going to just have to try it and see how it works I guess.

I’m hoping that we can find a way to break my rebellion as far as sexual things go. That’s a huge thing for Master and I know that I want to please him. I have no real reason why I don’t do what he asks. I just don’t feel like it. How do you get over the don’t feel like it’s to do what you need to do without expressing that I don’t want to do it.

Is this just a growing pain? Will I get past the personal disinterest and just submit? What is keeping me from doing it to begin with?

–luna

I’d like to think that I’m obedient. Master says I’m a good girl more often than I’ve been disciplined for doing wrong. That tells me I’m doing something right. Right?

Well lately Master has commented on my selective obedience. Things he says, if not said ‘just right’ go into my brain as a suggestion or comment and not an order or command. So I don’t do it, I just take it as something that would be nice, but not required.

Take an exchange we had a couple nights ago.

“Max(kitty), stop licking me that’s just weird.”

“Maybe Max is telling you that you stink and need a bath.”

“So are you saying I stink?”

“Now you know I’m not the type of person to say things like that. But yes, you do.”

“Well thanks, but you stink too sometimes. It’s bedtime. I was thinking of just going to sleep and bathing tomorrow.”

“No, I think you should bathe now so that when I come to bed you don’t stink.”

“I’d rather just go to sleep Master.”

Right there, did you get it? If you took the order out of context you could see clearly that he was telling me to go take a bath, but I just shrugged it off as a suggestion or preference for what he’d want of me. Needless to say we began talking about how I don’t listen to all of his commands and orders. I told him that maybe it was because they didn’t sound like orders.

I suggested a trigger to help me learn where commands are located in his speech. I feel that after a while of doing that, I should begin to subconciously know then they happen and do it without the trigger. The agreed upon trigger is ‘That’s an Order’. Pretty simple right?

We’ll see. It takes some thought on his side too to check and see if I’m obeying of if he needs to use the trigger phrase.

How should I behave when being punished and why my current behavior is inappropriate.

Punishment behavior is something I think is a learned behavior. As a child, you learn to cry and scream and pout, whine and all over be a terror whenever you are punished. At least that was how it was with me. I was terrified of getting my father’s wrath or my mother’s cold and hurtful words. I never learned from my misbehavior but more how to hide from the parents anger. This essay isn’t about that. It’s about how I behave now that I’m an adult when you punish me. I have new behaviors to learn.

When you have to punish me I never feel as I should. It’s not a forgive and forget offense. I live with the guilt of making you punish me for something I did or didn’t do. I get grumpy and childish. I tend to backtalk and egg you into more anger. I test your ability to keep your cool even under these circumstances. I have acted like it’s not important and casually dismissed the punishment as something that will pass and I will move on my merry way. In worse cases I can see myself fighting back. None of these behaviors are how I should act. I honestly think it’s part of my fight or flight response. I feel I have to defend myself and if that means acting out or acting childish then I do it. My temper tantrums are horrible and they do no good for either of us. In fact I think they harm our relationship.

Punishment is something I know you don’t like to do either. I know you would rather praise me for being good and learning and growing. I know that if it were possible you would never discipline me for anything. It’s the hardest thing I have to endure and I am sure it’s the hardest thing you have to do as well. I know that my behavior affects how the act of punishing me affects you. I know that if I behaved better you would do better at recovering from punishing me.

I think the best way for me to act when punished is accepting and responsive to the punishment. I hope to be able to accept it maturely and apologetically. I also hope to someday be able to take the punishment as a learning experience and move on. I want to be able to be punished and then still know that you love me, move on with my day as if nothing happened and yet remember and learn from my misdeeds or errors. This has yet to happen but there has to be a way to build up to it.

All it takes is a desire to change and I will be able to change. I have to know from you what behavior you want me to do when I am punished. Do you want me to come to you humbly and accept the punishment? Do you want me silent and doting? Perhaps this needs to be discussed. I know you have a dislike for how I respond now but I haven’t gotten the chance to talk to you about how you want me to act.

How do others act? How does a submissive accept a punishment for something they have done and not have it tear at them for disappointing their Dominant and having that guilt follow them day in and out until they are able to recover?

I complain… a lot. Every time something is suggested or commanded I have to come back with a why, or I don’t feel like it or other some such reason. I’m sure for me that complaining is an active part of my everyday life. It’s an attempt at control. I don’t like the request or command and so I try to convince him to change his mind since I don’t want to change mine. It’s topping from the bottom pure and simple.

And it has to stop. Master has said just recently that it’s a new part of my training to commence now. He wants me to stop questioning him and just do it. It’s a part of building trust and showing commitment and basic submission. It’s going to be a hard process. I’ve gotten quite accustomed to getting my own way. Now that my own way is no longer top priority I have to change my behavior.

It’s a good thing, no doubt about it. I want to be unquestioning and obedient. I hate seeing his face when I ask him why he wants me to do such and such or whining about doing something right now, rather than later on. I really have no reason to put it off or groan about it anyhow, it’s a convenience thing.

So, I’m starting a new change and it’s going to be a difficult road. Stop complaining, just do it. Master has my best interests at heart, he knows how to care for me better than I do. Just embrace his decisions; it’s what I want anyhow. Surrender to his will. Peace will result.

–luna

Manners is something that good parents are supposed to instill in their children. Each family believes in and teaches different manner rules. I grew up in a household that really didn’t empahsize manners at all. How sad and depressing, right? Well, now I have my chance to polish up what I knew and learn (re-learn) how I’m supposed to be.

Master has established certain rules for my speech and behavior that are normal politeness. However I’m finding it quite a challenge to learn everything I should have learned ages ago. Just the basics are like a struggle to be who I should have been raised to be; polite, respectful, and courteous.

Basic manners are things like:

• Saying please and thank you.
• Holding open doors for people.
• Waiting your turn for things.
• Don’t touch other people’s property.
• Asking before using something.
• Acknowledging that someone has asked a question or given a request with a verbal response or a nod.

All of these basic things are being reinforced in me right now. I’ve also looked up some manners and etiquette links online just to see what else I may have to solidify in my polite protocol collection. Here’s what I have found thus far.

Emily Post Institute

Manners International Knowledgebase

Miss Etiquette

Learning Manners

Rude Busters

Within the lifestyle manners and etiquette are a part of protocol, both in the home and in lifestyle events. Master has just started training me on lifestyle protocol that he wishes me to have. Examples of this are addressing all dominants as Sir or Madam. He has specified that if I also wish to say their name, I have to say Sir or Madam first in the English custom. I am learning to also ask permission to speak to an owned submissive. Honestly this seems so much easier online than in real person, but I am learning and endevor to make him happy and proud of me. He is pleased with my small efforts so far.

Training in Progress

Addressing all dominants as Sir/Madam <insert name here>.

Asking permission to speak to owned submissives.

Holding a ‘pull’ door for Master before entering myself. Opening and standing just inside a ‘push’ door while Master enters.

Saying please and thank you.

Acknowledging Master’s questions and directions with ‘Yes Master’.

I’ve had to learn a lot about courtesy and respect since I met Master. I am ashamed to admit that my family was rude, obnoxious and crude. I picked it up and didn’t bat an eyelash when I treated people poorly. I was described by my best friend as being harsh and without tact. I was by far from polite and respectable.When Master first arrived I noticed something about him. He was very polite to anyone. He held the door for people, he said please and thank you all the time. He would give complete strangers a benefit of a doubt. I was amazed and held him in higher esteem. He was definitely someone to look up to and idolize.

It was no surprise then that my very first rule was to say please and thank you for things. This happened almost immediately. When I forgot to say please or thank you at first it was a gentle reminder. Then it began to change and I didn’t get the things I asked for if I didn’t say please and they were taken away if I didn’t say thank you. It felt like I was a child learning these basic societal rules all over again. I struggled against it. Impoliteness had served me fine until now. I even threw a few fits. I know that during all this new learning I didn’t realize that this would make me a better person.

The respect that he gave to others; known or not was the next lesson. He got stirred by the treatment that servers were getting at a restaurant our munch group was at. She was the only one to our table of 30+ people. She was stretched to her limit and a Dom at the end of the table was not treating her with any sort of courtesy or respect. I could see the scowl on Master’s face instantly. He was not happy. This was my first example of what Master expected out of me.

Shortly after my lessons began, but they were so subtle that I didn’t even know what was going on. I started treating servers, cashiers and greeters with courtesy and common respect. I said my p’s and q’s to them as well. In short I treated them as human… equals even. Master had brought me down off my high horse and made me realize that I was no better than anyone else. It was and still is very humbling.

I’m still working hard at holding doors and acknowledging others when they smile or greet me. I don’t hold my head down and try to fly past them anymore. All people are worth knowing, even for a short time. This is what Master has taught me.

Now I’ve moved forward and another rule has been given to me. I haven’t had much of a chance to use it yet but I’m sure that the occasions will still arise. I am to address all Dominants as Sir or Madam. He has even requested that I use the English form or titling, which is ‘Title Name’; So it is Sir Dom and Madam Domme.

I must ask permission to speak to a submissive unless she is already speaking to me. This one is really hard. I find myself not wanting to talk at all, rather than excuse my interruption of a Dom to ask if I can talk to his/her submissive. Of course it is all proper and respectful and I know it will reflect well on Master if I behave as he wishes.

All of this is the next level of social protocol pressed into my new self. These new rules also apply to online, and I’m sure that those I speak to may notice this change if they speak to me frequently. It’s easier online as I don’t have to be face to face with those that I’ve spoken to. It’s also more difficult with those people that I’ve known for awhile. I’ve gotten comfortable calling them by their nicks that adding a title to them feels almost foreign.

This is, of course, just another form of respect that Master expects out of me. I am happy to conform as I know that it is pleasing to him. By no means is it an easy process. I’ve had to do a lot of changing, mental rebuilding and tearing down old ways. He has been my rock and protector through all this. He wishes that his girl becomes a lady. I don’t intend to disappoint him.

–luna

As we both already know, I am not naturally submissive. I don’t have the need to serve and please everyone all the time and worst of all I don’t stay in the right mindset to please you all the time either. It’s a balancing act of love and trust and desire for you that brings me to my knees, trembling to do your every command. The extreme side of this service is rare for you and I know that you’d love to see me in this role more often. I think that I could be there with a lot of hard mental work. Right now that mindset takes a lot out of me; exhausts me and I honestly don’t try to get there very frequently. The docile pleasing mindset is easier to come by with me, it feeds my soul when I am in this mood. What I’m going to try to pinpoint in this assignment is what the triggers are for me to put me in that mindset. I have to admit I’ve really not tested these, so they may not work all of the time. I do know that at some point in the past these things have put me there and you have been the instrument of their happenings. I’m sure you can bring me there again and again.

There’s no real trick to bring me to my subbie space. There are steps though that I know would help me and that’s what this is all about. The first one and probably the hardest is to get me to stop thinking and worrying about things I can not change. I know you are shaking your head on this one and I know that it’s almost impossible to do that; but it has been done and can be done again. Stress is a normal part of my life; although it shouldn’t be. I worry about anything and everything. When I can set all that aside I feel freer to relax and enjoy who I am. And in that time is the perfect space for my submission to come out more often. I don’t have any suggestions as to how to get me to relax and stop worrying. I’m certain that when there is less to worry about (and there is less now than there was last month) I feel more open to feeling more, being more and having you pleased more often. There is a way.

The next few things are times when I have gone from worry-wart luna to submissive slut just in the span of the activity. Perhaps they will work again and I’d be happy to try anything to show you my true side; the submissive you fell for.

My favorite has always been subbie pillow time. It makes me feel so submissive, so special to you when I sit on my pillow at your feet. Perhaps I need more time at your feet. You know that I have chosen times to just come sit by you while you are working and it makes me feel so good to look up at you and know you will be smiling down at me. I like the idea of sitting and watching TV that way but have never thought of it at the moment it is going on. Suggesting it more often might help my mindset.

I also feel more submissive when you are giving me directions; whether it is just a request for more coffee or a command in play I feel your power over me more than other times. It’s even more focused when I remember to reply to you properly. Speech training has always been interesting to me and I appreciate all the required phrases you have me doing.

When it comes to play I have a few triggers that put me in different spaces that are advantageous to my submissiveness. One is very aggressive play usually with a small amount of warm up and you are at your most fierce. I feel very submissive to you then. Another is when the play is very sexual and you are teasing me slowly. I feel under your whim and can usually get to slut submissiveness then. Lastly is when I feel like an object and am humiliated and used. Normally you are more vocal during this, and you make me repeat phrases. These are all very powerful times for me.

While I can’t be sure just when my mind will be set just right I know that with work and constant practice I will be able to slip into the right mindset easier and stay there longer. From a rarity to routine, that’s my goal so that one day it won’t be a mindset change, it will be a full life change.

–luna