lunaKM

A Slut-Wife Submissive Learning Domestic Slavehood

Category Archives: Behavior

Lesson #11- Voice Training 1: Silence

This is my continuing effort to work through Ms Abernathy’s Training Manual found in Erotic Slavehood.

This lesson is the beginning of the voice training section of the manual. Ms Abernathy said that a slave is like a child “seen and not heard.” She says that in this lesson I need to learn to not speak unless spoken to and to listen to what’s around me.

Now, since Master and I live alone and it would get to be a quiet place if I don’t do any talking Master said he’s going to go the listening route with this training lesson. This week I will endeavor to begin learning:

  • Listen to Master so he doesn’t have to repeat himself.
  • No interrupt him.
  • Don’t shout at him.
Honestly this is going to be hard and will be one of my continuing training efforts for awhile to come. I’m constantly talking over Master and he’s having to repeat himself a lot too. This week I will start learning to really listen to him. I’m not sure why I’m so good at asking him a question and then not listening to the answer. So what happens? I ask it again later and he gets annoyed because well, I didn’t listen to him the first time. Bad submissive!
He already bops me one when I talk over him, so that one has to be worked on harder – a lot harder.
Now, about the training I’m currently doing that is my own work…
  • When I was sick last week I didn’t brush my teeth at all.
  • I have been wearing make up. Yay!
  • Again I only swept the floor once. It needs it twice a week.
And another thing, my sex drive seems to be wonky. Some days I’m horny as hell and other days it’s just take it or leave it (usually leave it). I’m not sure why really. Its getting serious to me. I’ve got to find my inner slut.
–lunaKM

Resistance is Futile

One of Master’s favorite qualities in me is that I’m willing and able to change and grow for him. He says that all submissives should have that trait but it’s likely that many don’t. When Master and I first got together, everything we did together was hot and I rarely questioned what he was doing or thinking. Now, however, much to his frustration, I even ask him what he’s doing when he grabs my hair or asks me to do something. Why I’ve started not feeling the Dominance or allowing my submissive nature through more often is unsure, but I will get to the root of it someday. I’ve been tasked to figure out why I’ve become resistant to compliance and I’m sure that this blog will be focusing on that for the near future.

I don’t have to remind anyone that I’m not a perfect submissive (I even have an anti-fan that wishes I’d stop giving advice and tells me so in comments frequently). But what I do have is an ability to understand and analyze things, to accept some answers and dig deeper for better answers. I can and will seek out what will work for us.

So, when he brought up that some of his frustration was in my reactions, or lack there of to his Dominance I knew I had a chore ahead. I don’t know why I stopped acting the way I had. Perhaps some of it was the newness of the relationship, the newness of D/s and BDSM at the time, but certainly not because it wasn’t one of the hottest things ever. I still get weak knee-ed when he grabs me just so or gives me a dose of his Dominance. I have to try to open myself up to those feelings all the time.

This is just the start. When I have more to say, I’ll be back.

–lunaKM

Correcting Dropped Behavior

The financial stress that we were under this week has lifted. It’s not completely gone, but we have some wiggle room now for awhile and that’s always a good thing.

Hopefully our moods will recover today and we’ll enjoy being close to one another again. It’s been awhile since we’ve been so connected and happy with each other.

But maybe it needs to start with me. I’ve felt so disconnected with my submission lately. I’ve been forgetting some simple behaviors that I actually asked for! He reminds me and I feel bad that I not only forgot but that he’s having to prompt me. He shouldn’t have to and it’s  not really punishable since it’s something I asked for. Gah. I keep wanting to blame it on something else (hormones, stress, winter blahs) but it really is my fault.

At least the beginning to fixing any problem is to realize you have a problem. Now I just need to be more present in the moment and I think I’ll be able to pick up the behaviors again. Just to remind myself, these are the behaviors that I asked for:

  • Present items with the following phrase, “Your ____ Master.”
  • Ask to leave/enter Master’s presence. I’ve not done this one AT ALL.

Okay so on to this blog… I’ve removed all the tags, they were useless. I mean who is going to search for tags like period, pain, frustration, stress? Yeah, just not happening. I’m using categories and I guess I can be more specific in my categories. Sometimes I wonder if this blog is getting too unwieldy. It has 6 years of archives that no one will ever read. I don’t want to lose the archives but what good are they?

I’ve had a couple of suggestions to make my blog posts into a biography book. I dunno, that’s a lot of work. And would it really be worth reading? Other people’s lives are more interesting for sure. Meh.

–lunaKM

Remote Control

This new TV rule is interesting. At first, I could have sworn it was just because Master was pissed and wanted to take it out on someone (me). But it’s been a few days and he still tells me how much time I have allotted for TV watching and that any food TV is banned. It’s just odd and yet… easily accepted that I can’t just sit and watch whatever all day.

Honestly I feel like a little kid. I felt this way when he started the bed time rule too. Like I’m not an adult and can’t take care of myself. But I rarely ask to stay up anymore and when I do I’m lucky to last an hour later.  Now I’m asking him how much TV I can watch each day and then I sit down with the TV guide listings and plan if there are any shows I just gotta see. Usually there isn’t, but I do have some that I enjoy.

Food TV is banned because he said it controls my life. That I think about food then all day when I watch it. That is possibly true. I don’t know why I’m fixated on cooking shows and the like. It’s just interesting to me. But I guess that’s no more – or perhaps only on special occasions.

I know there are people who go everyday without the TV on, and there are even more that spend all day very active. I’m looking for a happy medium. Something I can enjoy and yet get everything done that I’ve wanted to do. I’ve been pretty focused and productive since he removed the freedom to use the TV. So it’s had some positive benefit no matter how I feel about it. And productivity is a good thing.

–lunaKM

Marketplace Service

I’ve been re-reading the Marketplace series. Reading it always makes me want to improve my submission for Master. He suggested I make a list of the things I’d like to work on. I haven’t done that yet, but I will. Some of the things on the list will be better voice training, a couple basic positions and immediate correction/discipline for failure to behave. Yeah, I want to make it harder on myself. Am I insane?

These are all things that Master has mentioned he’d like to have. We hold a higher protocol at home anyway so intensifying it is an awesome idea. I’m nervous of course. It’s a new level in our relationship and one that means giving up another independent part of myself over to Master for his care.

We are also discussing yet again about my diet and health. I need to lose weight and my personal dedication to it just sucks. I fail. Master doesn’t like the idea of controlling this part of my life, so I’m not sure what we will be able to negotiate.

Quick bits of play should be a part of everyday I think. Perhaps it would help keep our D/s playtime more alive and well. Right now it gets stagnant to non-existent.

I don’t know why the Marketplace series stirs me so much. I know it’s fantasy. I know that trying to attain the same level of submission is rare or impossible.  Does anyone else have the same feeling? I know in my heart I could never be a slave like those in the books, but I know I could bring myself closer to the submission I can feel in me with some of the ideas in the books.

Do you have a book that you feel tug at your submissive heartstrings?

Huh?

Master has been working on my word use; especially the word ‘huh’. When I can’t hear him I have the habit of saying ‘huh?’ It drives him mad so he’s started to punish me when I say it. So far it’s happened the once, but I know that it’s going to be a long road before I get that worked out of my system.

Anyone want to guess how many times I’m going to get swatted on the ass with the dragon’s tongue before I learn my lesson? I’m getting it will be more than the 2 I earned tonight.

Some things are so hard to relearn or unlearn. The way I tell someone that I didn’t hear them or misunderstood has almost always been ‘huh?’. Well now it has to be, according to Master, “What did you say Master?” or “Pardon?”

We are going to a play party tomorrow. Master isn’t planning to play but I would really like to bring a small bag just in case the itch happens. I dunno, I just don’t like going to a party without the possibility of a tiny bit of play. It just seems wrong. I’m bringing The Motherlode bars with me so I’m sure I’ll be the light of the party.

–luna

Service Without Restrictions

One of the big things I’m to work on with our new start is my setting restrictions on my service. Most of these are in the form of ‘I don’t feel like it, or I don’t want to’ but I know I’m also likely to put things off and that restricts my service too.

I know that I should be obedient. I know that when Master says he wants something done I should do it. He has my best interests at heart and while I know that at the time I don’t want to, they will not harm me. Most of what he requests that I tend to put limits on is sexual in nature. Just last night he suggested something and I said I didn’t want to do that; thus it didn’t happen. He was upset because I had again put limits on my service.

Why I wasn’t in the mood doesn’t matter. What I should have done is submitted to him. He asked me a bit later if that should have been a moment where he asserted his dominance and done one of the focusing rituals we discussed (pulling my hair or slapping my face). I said no, but now I’m not so sure. It’s so confusing to know what will work or what won’t. We are going to just have to try it and see how it works I guess.

I’m hoping that we can find a way to break my rebellion as far as sexual things go. That’s a huge thing for Master and I know that I want to please him. I have no real reason why I don’t do what he asks. I just don’t feel like it. How do you get over the don’t feel like it’s to do what you need to do without expressing that I don’t want to do it.

Is this just a growing pain? Will I get past the personal disinterest and just submit? What is keeping me from doing it to begin with?

–luna

That's an Order

I’d like to think that I’m obedient. Master says I’m a good girl more often than I’ve been disciplined for doing wrong. That tells me I’m doing something right. Right?

Well lately Master has commented on my selective obedience. Things he says, if not said ‘just right’ go into my brain as a suggestion or comment and not an order or command. So I don’t do it, I just take it as something that would be nice, but not required.

Take an exchange we had a couple nights ago.

“Max(kitty), stop licking me that’s just weird.”

“Maybe Max is telling you that you stink and need a bath.”

“So are you saying I stink?”

“Now you know I’m not the type of person to say things like that. But yes, you do.”

“Well thanks, but you stink too sometimes. It’s bedtime. I was thinking of just going to sleep and bathing tomorrow.”

“No, I think you should bathe now so that when I come to bed you don’t stink.”

“I’d rather just go to sleep Master.”

Right there, did you get it? If you took the order out of context you could see clearly that he was telling me to go take a bath, but I just shrugged it off as a suggestion or preference for what he’d want of me. Needless to say we began talking about how I don’t listen to all of his commands and orders. I told him that maybe it was because they didn’t sound like orders.

I suggested a trigger to help me learn where commands are located in his speech. I feel that after a while of doing that, I should begin to subconciously know then they happen and do it without the trigger. The agreed upon trigger is ‘That’s an Order’. Pretty simple right?

We’ll see. It takes some thought on his side too to check and see if I’m obeying of if he needs to use the trigger phrase.

Serving to Serve vs. Serving for Pleasure

Serving to serve is one form of service I provide my Master. Somehow I’ve compartmentalized it from service for pleasure. It could just be my way of providing more service to him in different ways.

An example of service to serve is when I’m not in the mood for a blow job but I know he would appreciate it. In this service mindset my submission is harder to get to and it may appear to him that I’m doing it with reluctance. That is the case mostly but I am still performing for him. When in this state I look to him for enjoyment. I get my submissive feelings from his dominance of me and his overall enjoyment of whatever I’m doing. I’m not doing this for my benefit at all. I don’t seek to get any pleasure in this state. It’s all about him and his needs.

Most of the time I know this form of service is not what Master likes at all and he’d rather wait until I’m out of the service to serve mode to get what he wants. He prefers that I get pleasure out of my service. I think he’s missing out on all that I can provide him by preventing me to serve in this way. There are other times that I serve to just serve but there is always a hang up when it relates to sexual activities.

Like when I make his coffee or order his food at a restaurant. I don’t derive pleasure from these acts, but they are a form of my submission to him and I am serving him in the same capacity as the sexual acts. He appreciates when I serve him in this way and I find it a valuable part of my service to him.

However sexual acts, like blowjobs, bring about a disinterest really; I don’t like to give blowjobs most of the time. It’s just not something I’ve ever liked immensely. We continue to work on my submission with this, as it’s something that I know he wants desperately to be something I enjoy doing. And I do, sometimes. I enjoy it when I know it’s not the only act, or that I’m getting something from it. I enjoy it if I’m already horny too. Certainly it makes sense that he’ll get more enjoyment out of seeing me enjoying myself.

I’m kidding myself if I think that he will ever get pleasure out of my serving to serve mode since I don’t have any outward appearance to be enjoying myself. In fact I’ve frequently given distasteful looks to him when he asks for a blowjob. I know that it isn’t submissive like to appear to be appalled at the request of a blow job, but right now I just can’t be the blowjob lover. I don’t know if I ever will be. But I’m working on it; and it can be discussed in another post.

What I’m hoping to convey in serving to serve mode is that his desire is my command, no matter what my emotions may be I will obey him. The happily part will have to come later on I think. I can only work on one thing at a time. Right now my service mode is one of contentment and obedience. Something I don’t think I had a year ago, let alone 6 months ago. I’ve been able to break down walls inside and allow myself to accept submission when I don’t want to do it (most of the time).

I love Master very much and hope that one day I can please him when my pleasure isn’t a factor. Right now he’s bypassing it and waiting until my pleasure is evident. I don’t know if I need to concede defeat and work on being eternally pleased with everything he asks of if being genuine is more his desire. I feel that the smile on my face may be painted on, but the heart is still serving. Why turn down that?

Amazing Submission: My Development

It’s really quite amazing that I have so much to say all the time about my submission to Master and the beauty of that is it continues to change and grow and extend into all facets of my life. Even when our daily life involves doing the dishes and fixing dinner I can feel my submission. When I’m grumpy or mouthy I can still feel my submission to him. It’s one of those things I never tire of feeling.

When Master and I first started this journey almost 4 years ago we didn’t know where it would lead us. We wanted to explore everything and didn’t have an end goal in mind. I’ve been looking back at my early archives (because admit it, who has time to read a blog’s entire history) and found that I was quite whiny and very “I want it my way” type of girl. I feel that I’ve changed considerably in that measure. This has also brought me to a me that is less gimmie gimmie and more “how can I serve.” I like that.

I struggled with my submission at first. So many times I questioned if I was submissive or not. I finally decided I was not a natural submissive but I was willing to work at it. After a lot of soul searching and struggle with old mental habits I have been able to break down the old walls and allow submission in. It wasn’t easy. I fought the entire way. I gave Master’s collar back once and had it taken away once too. Each time I found that submission was where I was happiest, even when it didn’t come easy to me.

Many times I thought that being submissive meant that I had to give up my independence. This is not true. Master appreciates that I am able to think on my own and do my own thing without his constant guidance. I can be the person I am and still serve him as he wishes. I effect I am two minds living the same life in balance.

Every submissive struggles in their submission. Even if they don’t want to admit it there are things that we as the submissive person have to accept that will grate against our natural ways or our ingrained habits. This is a part of maturing and growing in our submission. We can either embrace it or reject it. I have chosen to embrace it completely. Selena asked if there were submissives out there that struggled in their submission. I’m asking that everyone that reads this please go over to her blog and share your story of struggle with her. She needs to know that it is normal and she is not alone.

She’s also seeking information from dominants on how they handle submissives that fight being under control. I can’t say I know for sure what some of you would say, but I do know that fighting with your dominant is not taken lightly and can lead to the end of the relationship. The point of a D/s relationship is the exchange of power. If you can not give up your power, then you can not submit. You can not have two tops in a D/s exchange with no bottoms to submit. It just doesn’t work.

Changing comes from within. It can not be forced from you by a dominant, no matter how strict they are. You have to find it within your own desires to submit. That does not mean you submit on your own terms only, but on a mutually decided platform. If you don’t trust your partner to care for what is important to you, no matter what that may be, then you can not have a safe D/s exchange.

Master and I have had times where trust was the issue. We have both worked hard to strengthen that bond we have and correct our shortcomings. Failing with trust is so very hard to come back to and it did almost kill us the summer of 2006. I did a lot to atone for what I did. This episode has molded us even today. There are things that I have to continue to prove to Master that I am trustworthy with and things that he now holds trust for me I never thought I’d gain back.

I am a changed person, I am better for it and also because of it. I am submissive and I finally am able to see why it is so powerful, so wonderful and so precious.

–luna