lunaKM

A Slut-Wife Submissive Learning Domestic Slavehood

Category Archives: Training

Rub My Nose In It

Yesterday since my period was over, Master and I had some fantastic sex. I was so horny and my clit throbbed without release. When he told me I’d be waiting for my orgasm I was quite frustrated. It had been over a week since my last orgasm but knowing that sometimes after a huge climax my sex drive plummets he wanted to use me a few more times before I got mine.

Finally at 3:30pm today he came for me, but by then I was beyond frustrated. He was ready to fuck me, but when he reached for my pussy I told him that if I wasn’t going to be able to come that it was going to be bad. He sat down at the edge of the bed and began playing with my clit and I focused on what I was feeling. I had decided I wasn’t going to give him the pleasure of seeing me writhe and squirm at his touch. I was just going to let the orgasm was over me without moving. And it was going fine. Then, since I wasn’t pleasing him he stopped, left the room and said I was to just do it myself.

I did in about 30 seconds. But since he wasn’t in the room, he didn’t believe me and ordered me to do it again. 30 more seconds later I had a second. Both of which were mediocre at best. I had made him made at me. He called me a whiny bitch.

Things went upside down after that. I went back to what I was doing and he went back to what he was doing. Not 10 mins go by when he comes out into the living room with a whip and a hard cock and orders me to stop what I’m doing. I think he’s still mad at me and wants to punish me.

There’s no need to detail what happened, but I broke down  when his fat dick was pushing its way into my ass and he stopped. He had not come to me with any anger or idea of punishment. He just wanted to start over and have some fun after all. I had interpreted it all wrong.

You see, I find it hard to comprehend that people don’t carry their anger for a long time and then want to pay it back. It’s how I was raised I guess. I know that he would never use sex to punish me, but there’s a unconscious response and I think that took over as soon as I saw him. I felt that I deserved to be punished and I was going to get through whatever it was that he wanted to do to punish me. Thankfully he saw that and stopped.

I had a good cry and we talked about what happened. Things are okay now that we are on the same page. I don’t know how I am going to correct my behavior but I have to start seeing that he isn’t the same as all the other men in my life.

And we need to play more so that I can read his body better. I’m terrible at it. Maybe I’ll get a chance to atone soon.

Now, on to other things…

I went to the gym today after a whole week of not going and weighed in 3 lbs up from last week. Not surprised. I didn’t watch my eating that well last week either. I’ll have to get back on it this week if I want to reach my goal by the end of the year. I feel better when I’m eating lower carb so I really should be following it. (Of course, snacking on 8 oz of Beef Jerky is going to bite me in the ass for the food log.)

Chores have been slacking too. When I’m done with this post I’m going to get up and get some done and tomorrow I promised Master I’d be better at getting them done in the morning like I have scheduled. It really shouldn’t be hard for me to get everything done like I’m supposed to.

Writing has been slow for subguide too. I feel behind even though I’m not yet. That’s likely because the contributors I have aren’t submitting any posts and haven’t for months. I’m going to have to make some hard decisions soon. And look for more guest posts elsewhere. My writing has to improve too if I want to get any other projects done.

There’s so much I’m slacking on right now. I’m not even going to list my training until I get my head back in the game.

Sometimes a submissive takes more than 2 steps back. I’m going to be crawling my way back up.

–lunaKM

Lesson #11- Voice Training 1: Silence

This is my continuing effort to work through Ms Abernathy’s Training Manual found in Erotic Slavehood.

This lesson is the beginning of the voice training section of the manual. Ms Abernathy said that a slave is like a child “seen and not heard.” She says that in this lesson I need to learn to not speak unless spoken to and to listen to what’s around me.

Now, since Master and I live alone and it would get to be a quiet place if I don’t do any talking Master said he’s going to go the listening route with this training lesson. This week I will endeavor to begin learning:

  • Listen to Master so he doesn’t have to repeat himself.
  • No interrupt him.
  • Don’t shout at him.
Honestly this is going to be hard and will be one of my continuing training efforts for awhile to come. I’m constantly talking over Master and he’s having to repeat himself a lot too. This week I will start learning to really listen to him. I’m not sure why I’m so good at asking him a question and then not listening to the answer. So what happens? I ask it again later and he gets annoyed because well, I didn’t listen to him the first time. Bad submissive!
He already bops me one when I talk over him, so that one has to be worked on harder – a lot harder.
Now, about the training I’m currently doing that is my own work…
  • When I was sick last week I didn’t brush my teeth at all.
  • I have been wearing make up. Yay!
  • Again I only swept the floor once. It needs it twice a week.
And another thing, my sex drive seems to be wonky. Some days I’m horny as hell and other days it’s just take it or leave it (usually leave it). I’m not sure why really. Its getting serious to me. I’ve got to find my inner slut.
–lunaKM

Lesson #10: Slave journal: the discipline of self-disclosure

Continued efforts using the Training with Ms Abernathy workbook.

This lesson is about starting a journal to talk about the training I am undergoing and anything that needs to be revealed to my trainer (Master) that I am having difficulty expressing. Ms Abernathy recommends a hand written journal and I have one of those for stressful times or for things I don’t want to say to Master. It’s my completely private journal. However, for this task, why not use what I’m already using.  I’m going to have to say that I’m already excelling at this task as this blog is almost 7 years old. The lesson goes on to recommend that I say my affirmation prior to and immediately after writing in my journal to help me to focus on what I should be writing. If you might recall, my affirmation from lesson 1 is:

I choose to live my life in submission and service to Master.

I think about this mantra a lot, however I’ve never consciously said it prior to anything. I know and understand the value of doing so, so I may add this to my already growing self-training list and see how it goes.

The next exercise in this lesson is one that I am not going to do. It says it’s for slaves that want to start voice training and I too will be doing some voice training but…

the lesson says to stop capitalizing I and then later stop addressing myself in the first person. Master and I abhor altered English grammar and thus will not be doing that part of voice training. Besides I think, for me, it would be silly to say “this slut has washed the dishes, Master” type of thing. So… on to the next lesson which will begin basic voice training.

–lunaKM

 

Worship

Have I said recently that Master is the best sex I’ve ever had. He’s been so very sexy and we’ve had an awesome time yesterday.  I have a few scratch marks on my back from a bit of fun yesterday. And Monday he used the Hitachi to force orgasms from me. It rocked.

But back to how awesome Master is in bed. I think he’s a natural. He came to me with very little experience and rocked my world from the first time.  Now I can believe that you can learn to be good in bed, but from the start? That’s a lucky me!

And his cock, can I say perfect? I’m so in love with it and him. I’m driven with lust for his dick and I’m always looking at it. He notices it. And likes it.

There’s so much about having sex with Master that I’m so in love with. He knows me, he listens to me and he sees everything that my body does. He can read me and sometimes knows more about how I’m responding than I am.

It’s not just sex, even when we call it fucking. It’s more, it is everything and it is so hot.

I can be the slut I want to be but am embarrassed to admit. I can let myself go and not worry about how things should be progressing. I can tell him all my dirty secrets and he loves it. That look in his eyes tells me so.

I’m in lust. And Master is my addiction.

–lunaKM

Lesson #9- Obedience III: Self-Discipline

This is a difficult lesson for me to put together. The lesson asked me to look back and find things that I know I should change about myself and my behavior and I can honestly make a very long list. But that’s because I’m very negative about myself and that’s a huge thing I need to work on.

But other things that I’ve made note of are things that Master has asked me to work on before and I haven’t taken initiative to correct them. The things I have chosen to start working on now are brushing my teeth regularly and having the dishes cleared from the counters/sink and in the dishwasher every night before I went to bed.

So, I’m now brushing my teeth every day before bed. I realize that for some of you that’s just gross, but oral hygiene was never encouraged growing up so.. I’m having to learn it now. Master promises that doing this will lead to more kissing (yeah I know it sounds horrid that my breath is that bad, but it is and I’m admitting it).

Also, and this one is harder, the dishes will be in the dishwasher before going to bed. And the process goes like this:

  1. Night one, if I’m late, the number of minutes is recorded.
  2. Night two I have to go to bed those minutes earlier. If the dishes aren’t done by that new bedtime then I will get punishment swats for the previous night’s number plus the amount of time it takes me to do the dishes that second night.
  3. Night three ? I dunno yet.

The next exercise for this lesson is to list 5 people I respect and look up to because of their self discipline. I’ve been thinking about this for 3 days and I can’t think of anything I look up to because of their self discipline. This one is going to take awhile. I’ll see about coming back to it before I move on to the next lesson.

–lunaKM

Training Exercises and Nerves

Gah, I can’t believe I missed a post day again. This is getting  bad. At this rate he’s going to make me blog everyday just so that I get it in my head that blogging for him is important. And I even made a mental note about it yesterday afternoon too. Too bad I didn’t check my mental notes before I went to bed!

Thursday I spent a couple hours at the cafe so I did the exercises that I was supposed to do for Ms Abernathy’s training. First, I looked at the name tag of the person taking my order and then thanked them for my cup when they gave it to me using their name. They smiled big when I did that. I did the same thing when my name was called to pick up my food. I thanked the man behind the counter. He seemed a little confused, but nodded anyway.

Then to eat I picked a table in the middle of a bunch of people so that I could do the second exercise. This one was to close my eyes and try to describe the people around me with my other senses. Then open my eyes and look at them to compare. This one took all through lunch and smelling my food in front of me didn’t help me try to pick up perfumes or what they may have been eating. It appears I’m able to figure out who people are pretty well. Of course I tend to eavesdrop on other tables all the time so … perhaps I’ve taught myself how to do this long ago.

I’ll be moving on to lesson #9 shortly so watch for the post about that soon.

When Master came to bed last night he whispered, “7 days slut” and it got my heart racing. I really am counting down whenever I see him. He knows the look in my eye when I’m thinking wedding thoughts. We’ve been waiting for 18 months and the time is almost here. I’m having all sorts of wedding dreams while I sleep. Some are good and some are weird. I’m sure that comes with the territory.

I went out and purchased the last of the makeup I wanted to have. I bought a foundation primer, yellow concealer for my under eyes and a eyeshadow primer. All the primers are to make sure my make up stays put. I’ll be playing with the makeup today along with doing my hair a number of ways so that I can figure out what it will do on the day of. Sounds a bit obsessed I know, but these pictures are going to be special!

I asked Master last night if he wanted to add some character to his tux by wearing his trainers and fedora. I think it would be sexy as hell. We’ll see what he decides. I may try to convince him that if he won’t wear it for the ceremony if he would for some pictures after.  I’ll be getting the shoes I ordered on Wednesday and I can’t wait to see them with the dress. I have everything in place for the most special day of my life with KM.

–lunaKM

Slave Training Lesson #8: Obedience 2 – awareness of others

It’s been over 2 years since I picked up the lessons in Ms Abernathy’s book again but it’s about time I consider where I need to be as Master’s slave (as I struggle still to identify as such) and where I want to grow and develop my skills. I am going to attempt, yet again, to do these lessons and others that I have in The Path of Service by Christina Parker (wedding gift from Jack Rinella’s slave Patrick) and The Submissive Activity Book by Shannon Reilly.

In lesson #8 I have to start to become more aware of the world around me. As the book says, a lot of us learn to tune out the world and lose focus on that which is around us. In this lesson I should start to pay more attention to the non-verbal clues that exist in my everyday interactions.

One activity is to pay attention when a server introduces themselves and then use their name when requesting or thanking them for something. I’ve mentioned this very thing to Master in the past and he liked it so now I just need to do it. We won’t be doing much outside the apartment before the wedding rush, but I’m sure this will become an expected protocol/rule once I start doing it because Master likes it when I’m polite and aware of others and this is right up that alley.

The second activity I will begin doing when I’m out to work the next time at a cafe. In this activity I will be closing my eyes and using my other senses to try to key into the people around me. I am to try to describe the people around me using these senses and then compare them with what I see to understand how the other senses help build an impression of people. This one is likely to be interesting and I look forward to giving it a shot this week sometime.

I did a search on Google Books for one of the suggested reading that I was interested in, only to find that the only library near me to have it is at my alma mater 70 miles away. I’d have to buy it and I’m not so sure I want to do that. Oh well.

So, ultimately while I’m on lesson #8, I have to wait until we are more extroverted and out in public to do it. I’ll have to watch for opportunities to practice the activities soon.

–lunaKM

Intimate Moments

Tonight Master and I reconnected with a little light spanking. It was nice and intimate and got me to my happy place for awhile. I think it was just what we both needed today. I’m already feeling the after effects (sleepiness and hunger) so this will likely be a short post.

No matter where we are in our D/s journey it is definitely based on a solid foundation of love. I know I can go anywhere with him and he and I can grow and change and be who we want to be with each other. I love him so very much.

Part of our recovery plan is that he wants me to write an essay for him about why I submit and what I want to get out of it. I’ve done this for him before years ago so I looked it up to see what I said then. I was stunned to read the reasons and not feel that they are the same now. But I can’t think of what my reasons would be. I talked with Rayne about this and told her that ‘because I love him’ doesn’t feel like enough. She agreed that for me it likely wouldn’t be.

I have to also write about why I’m afraid to call myself a slave and what I think would change if we moved to M/s. Again, talking to Rayne and Master helped me see that my personal definition of slave is really strict and he’s not expecting what I think it means out of me. So, I have to redefine a term I thought I understood, again.

A lot to think about and a lot to do to make things work for us as we shift yet again.

–lunaKM

You've Probably Been Wondering…

…why I have written the past few posts as password-protected.

As with everything I write here, it’s for Master first and anyone else who reads second. Well, we’ve hit a rough patch lately and instead of sharing all of the raw emotions with everyone and the internet, I locked them to his eyes only. I’m sure you can understand.

The trouble we’ve been having is directly related to my resistance with my submission lately. I’ve been questioning everything and testing every single boundary he has placed on me. We’ll he had had enough. We even discussed taking a break from D/s and come back to it. I think in the end, our decision to remain D/s was a smarter one.

He’s changed up his training style. I’m not sure how I’m reacting to it, but things are getting done and I’m not getting pissy so that’s a start. Our sex life is slower to come back from the brink; it will come though. It’s amazing how exhausted you can get when stress and emotional turmoil are ruling the day.

So, that’s what’s going on, in vague terms. I’ll probably not get really into it because it’s still raw and emotional. Trust me, all submissives struggle at times and I’m no different. This doesn’t make me a bad submissive, Master has said so in the past. I would be a bad submissive if I chose not to change or was not willing to correct my issues. Thankfully, I’m always willing to work problems out.

This week I was able to purchase a few more things for the elopement. I got a lovely hair piece from Etsy.com that looks light and feminine. I purchased a gold edged ivory shawl as well that has some floral embroidery on it. I still need shoes that I love and some simple jewelry. Then flowers, if I decide to have flowers at all. I picked up our wedding bands from the jeweler too. We both put them on and held hands for a bit.

I believe they don’t have symbolism till we say our vows over them, but Master says that’s just silly talk. Oh well. That will happen soon enough.

Resistance is Futile

One of Master’s favorite qualities in me is that I’m willing and able to change and grow for him. He says that all submissives should have that trait but it’s likely that many don’t. When Master and I first got together, everything we did together was hot and I rarely questioned what he was doing or thinking. Now, however, much to his frustration, I even ask him what he’s doing when he grabs my hair or asks me to do something. Why I’ve started not feeling the Dominance or allowing my submissive nature through more often is unsure, but I will get to the root of it someday. I’ve been tasked to figure out why I’ve become resistant to compliance and I’m sure that this blog will be focusing on that for the near future.

I don’t have to remind anyone that I’m not a perfect submissive (I even have an anti-fan that wishes I’d stop giving advice and tells me so in comments frequently). But what I do have is an ability to understand and analyze things, to accept some answers and dig deeper for better answers. I can and will seek out what will work for us.

So, when he brought up that some of his frustration was in my reactions, or lack there of to his Dominance I knew I had a chore ahead. I don’t know why I stopped acting the way I had. Perhaps some of it was the newness of the relationship, the newness of D/s and BDSM at the time, but certainly not because it wasn’t one of the hottest things ever. I still get weak knee-ed when he grabs me just so or gives me a dose of his Dominance. I have to try to open myself up to those feelings all the time.

This is just the start. When I have more to say, I’ll be back.

–lunaKM