How Can A Blob Be Sexy?

There were so many comments in the last post about my feeling less playful that I thought it deserved another post.

Master and I talk all the time, and before the post went live we had already discussed my declining playfulness and my desire to rekindle it. We came to a conclusion that part of the reason it isn’t happening right now is that I’ve been sick off and on for weeks and it’s hard to feel sexually playful when you are sick every other day. Which of course amplifies any reaction to the playfulness I see between froggy and Master because I’m unable to engage in my own due to illness.

The other fact is that I’m feeling very negative about my attractiveness and my body right now. It’s got me really down at the moment and while I know exactly what I need to do to make it right that doesn’t help the feelings I’m experiencing right this moment. It’s not what Master sees and I know it. He finds my body very attractive and even though I love that he practically stops whatever he’s doing to watch me walk through the room I still feel like a blob.

Master has suggested that we take some sexy photos of me to try to boost my body confidence. I used to love being in front of the camera and posing for Master. For some reason or another I stopped wanting to do it. I agree that I’d have fun doing that for him so we have that planned.

In fact we had it planned for tonight but I’m feeling so depressed that I can’t even think about being sexy let alone letting it show on my face. Master feels so helpless right now. He’s frequently asking me if there is anything he can do and honestly there isn’t anything. And my tears are creating painful glances from him. I wish he could help me, I do.

I just have to dig through it and find the light at the end of the tunnel. It doesn’t help that I’ve gained 4 lbs in 2 weeks. The scale can be an evil master.  But looking at what I’ve been eating lately there is no surprise that I’ve gained. I’ve really slipped and not cared one hoot about it.

But Master has noticed and has mentioned here and there that he’s concerned that I’ve not exercised in a long time, or that I’m eating an awful lot of bad for me foods and less of the good ones. I’m snacking more and drinking less water. I well aware of it.

So, today when Master asked when I was going to exercise again and when I said I didn’t know, he wanted to know what kind of excuse that was. I got up right away and did a power mile (WATP). While I’m happy I did it, I’m still crying because I feel ugly.

You see, even though I usually have fantastic body image and I’m usually confident that I exude sexuality and femininity I have my off days. No one is perfect. I’m not sure how I’ll recover this time around but I know I will.

Mischief in May is this weekend. I do hope that I can feel good about myself by then. Maybe that’s why I’m hesitant to play in public. I don’t even want to get undressed in front of others. It’s interesting to think that last year when I weighed 20 lbs more I was just fine flashing it all – even asking people to check out my saline-inflated breasts.

I’ve got 4 days. Let’s see if I can turn it around.

–lunaKM

Twinge

Twinge of jealousy and bewilderment that I somehow lost my playfulness. Master and froggy banter back and forth throughout the day, she does sexual and kinky little things for him. And while I never really got off on the doing things out and about town, I do miss the attention and little bits of play that happened in the beginning of our relationship.

If this means the honeymoon is over I don’t want that! I do know that at some point down the line I stopped responding favorably. I started whining and complaining when he asked these things of me. It has been like that for almost 8 years now.

And with froggy around, he’s getting to do those little things, with her.

I’ve asked him several times just today if I’m as much fun as she is. “Of course I am,” he says. I believe him, but part of me wonders why I stopped responding to his little games so long ago. I’ve never really figured that out.

It’s something I’d like to try to rekindle, but after 8 years of negative responses from me, how is he supposed to know that I might play back or just give him the cold shoulder again?

Most of what I’m saying is just internal monologue and I don’t expect anyone to follow it. I felt the desire to talk to myself about something troubling me.

Like tonight, he pinched my nipples through my shirt and instead of sighing or moaning or showing even the slightest joy for his attention. I cringed and muttered, “ouch”. And it’s not that I didn’t want his attention or that it really hurt to begin with. Did I want him to stop? No.

Give me back the playful.

–lunaKM

I’m Online

I often wish that I wasn’t such an online figure. The people who contact me and read what I write on Submissive Guide have this illusion that I’m a perfect submissive even when I share my struggles and inabilities to do things there and I get uncomfortable at times with how high up on that pedestal I am for them.

Sure I can be a role model, but I’m still human and I still make mistakes. I am not perfect and I don’t pretend to be. I’ve been known to embellish my submission to make it sound like I’m doing better than I am, but in all honestly I think most people have their moments.

I’m still learning, always will be working my way towards perfection and hope to continue to make Master happy in whatever ways I can. He accepts that I will slip up but he also upholds his responsibility to make sure that if I do I’m pushed back into place.

I do really enjoy being out there online though, which is a contradiction to the first part of this post for sure. I like knowing that my words help others, that there are submissives and slaves growing in their own submission because of the wisdom the gleaned from something I wrote or something one of the contributors shared. It is a great day when I get a thank you from someone who found there way through a difficult time because of some inspiration they found on Submissive Guide.

There’s no going back. I’m out there and I will be for quite some time. I’m not an anonymous voice and that was a choice I made early on. I wanted people to connect with me personally.

I guess what I’m saying is that some days I wish I wasn’t lunaKM of Submissive Guide but just KnyghtMare’s slave and nothing more. Perhaps I need to figure out how to separate the two so that I’m not always thinking about the next post, or reading email or searching for an interesting topic to write about, etc.

Well I’m off now. Going to get some housework done. Froggy is coming tomorrow!

–lunaKM

Restoring Desire

So it may come to a surprise for some that I’ve been in a bad mood lately. (Yeah I know, no big surprise.) I’ve had people tell me that it’s because of the poly relationship with froggy without even knowing me or any part of my current mind. I know that people just assume that anything poly is cause of trouble. But we’ve not had any trouble. All of us communicates well and we don’t let issues fester between us.

Last night I finally let the darkness take me and I realized just what was causing my depression and my sadness. You see, I watch the NRE (new relationship energy) with froggy and Master and I remember when we had that. And I want it again. I’m jealous of the fun sexy times they have. We used to be playful and spontaneous and he used to flirt and play with me all the time.

And then I started rebuffing him and giving him signals to stop. So he did. And now I miss it. He misses it. So I killed the playful nature that he loves. It’s been a constant issue with us and this same thing comes around on a regular basis. I know that I have to make the effort to change in order for things to change.

He listened to me and talked to me calmly about how I was feeling and telling me that it wasn’t stupid or wrong to feel the way I did, but that I needed to make an effort in order for him to want to be flirty with me again since he’s only ever gotten negative responses.

And I totally agree. What’s funny is that he said one of the ways we can fix this is that I give him blowjobs and play time whenever he wants it and stop finding excuses not to. So that’s a first start. Of course I still need to allow myself to feel sexy and flirty with him again so that he knows that I need him and want him.

He knows that the root issue is that I didn’t feel desirable to him anymore because of what I see with him and froggy. Even though that’s not the case at all (and he definitely still shows affection and desire towards me, but I chose to ignore it or push him away). It really is my problem that’s got me so down in the dumps.

While yes, froggy’s name has come up in this, it’s not the poly that is the problem. Actually it was because of froggy that I am reminded again that I’m failing behind on something that Master has been on my case about for years.

It felt like a weight was lifted when I told him today because I had felt so down that I knew he needed to know before froggy came up tomorrow so that I didn’t cause problems with her here. He cancelled his time with her for which I feel terrible.

He told me that one of his girls needs his time and that if it were froggy with an issue he’d be right there for her too. I know she’s sore about not being able to come up tomorrow now, but things just happen sometimes. I never intentionally went out of my way to keep her from being here. She deserves his time too. He makes the decisions and so we must both obey.

–lunaKM

Video Game Silence for 2 Weeks

Master finally decided on a punishment for my secret eating and lying about it. Starting today I am not allowed any video games and only 1 hour of TV per day for 2 weeks. He also wants me to write about why I started secret eating again (I have no idea). I’m more irked by the writing assignment than I am the rest of it. If I knew why I was secret eating don’t you think I’d be able to control it? Secret eating is a part of binge eating – although I do not binge and haven’t since 2007. It’s not always easy to pinpoint exactly why someone does that.

He asked me point blank if it was because of his new relationship with froggy. I said no, because I don’t think so. But I also told him that I wouldn’t tell him if it was because it would jeopardize his relationship with her. He’s happy and if I have a problem then I need to deal with it. Of course, his asking the question has sewn a seed of thought about it and I’m desperately trying to find/not find that as the reason this all started up again. Hell I don’t know. When I think that it could be the reason I start to cry and when I think it’s not the reason I feel a sense of relief. It’s a vicious cycle.

I’m sure I’ll have plenty of time to think about it while I find other things to occupy the time that used to be video games and TV. I’ll have to pick up my knitting again, and read some more, and work some more. Anything to not be bored. I hate being bored.

My period is a few days late again. It’s driving me insane because the placement of this new IUD is in a different spot for sure – the cramps are super intense and painful. More than they were with the other one. The difference this time around is that I’m spotting but nothing substantial. Just start already. Grr.

Tomorrow we drive up to Cedar Falls to do the BDSM panel at UNI again. Master is going to be on the panel this time, which is a rare treat for me. I love having him sitting next to me instead of in the audience. Talking to students about BDSM is a positive experience for me; I feel that the learn a bit of acceptance from being able to ask their questions and satisfy their curiosity.

Well that’s it for me today.

–lunaKM

Relief

I feel so much better today. Wednesday night after I blogged we went to Walmart and picked up a thick memory foam mattress pad to put on my sleeping mat to help with my sleeping. It has a huge improvement and I woke up rested for the first time in almost a week. Today was even better than that. My sleeping pattern has returned to normal and I’m not napping during the day anymore.

My funny illness has gone away too. I think I might have been glutened and not figured out a cause for it. I’m still trying to pin down the symptoms I get when being glutened.

I want to thank everyone that expressed concern about my thoughts in the previous post. They were all genuine and showed me just how much you all care for me. It’s great to know that so many of you are confident that you are everything your partner needs all in one package. I know that I am not all that Master needs. About 4 years ago he got in touch with his sadistic beast within and I can’t handle what it puts out. He needs to feed the beast or he gets depressed and feels lacking in this ability to play with me because he has to hold back then. So we opened the relationship to play partners. Froggy was one of those play partners back then. It worked wonderfully and she would never cross any boundaries that I set up for the relationship between them.

It’s no different now. They are both entertaining this relationship on my terms. I tell them what I’m comfortable with, how I’m comfortable with it and when. They define their relationship based on what I am okay with.

Last weekend we tried something relatively new to me. Froggy came up early to wake Master with a blow job (something I don’t do often). I was in the living room and could hear what was going on. I wanted to be somewhere else. I didn’t think I should be listening to them doing something so private.

Later that day they had another sexual encounter with me in the room and again I wanted to be somewhere else. It just seemed so inappropriate that I was there.

I hadn’t connected my discomfort with that until tonight when Master asked if Froggy came up early tomorrow if she could do that and I said that I would be uncomfortable being here during that.

And that was a sudden relief.

I felt uncomfortable and finally voiced it. That was it. Just so that you concerning readers understand – I’m okay with them doing sex stuff. I feel no issues with that. I’m secure in my place in Master’s life. I just don’t want to be there.

Froggy and Master are going to have to work around my new discomfort. I told them both that I have no problem slipping out of the apartment if they want to have fun. They both expressed concern that it didn’t seem right to make me leave. There are plenty of places within walking and driving distance to keep me occupied. I’m not a homebody anyway.

They aren’t making me leave, I’m choosing to. I could choose to not allow them to have sexy fun at all – but again that’s not my problem. How many other primary partners are okay being in the room when stuff like that happens? I’m not poly with froggy, there isn’t a sexual thing going on with us. It’s just Master and froggy. So, asking them to have their fun when I’m not around isn’t much to ask for I didn’t think.

Sure, it might take away some spontaneity but that’s life. You have to work around situations.

I’m certain we’ll be talking about this some more when froggy gets here tomorrow. I’ve already planned to go get doughnuts, OJ and coffee when she slips into the bedroom. Might as well have some refreshments for when the come back out! Besides I found some awesome GF ones at the store 2 weeks ago. I’m craving them.

I did some foot worship for Master tonight. I just love doing that. I feel so connected to my submissive spirit when I’m at his feet, massaging oil into them. Bliss, that’s what it is.

Oh, I haven’t told you yet…. I’ve lost 12 lbs since I went Gluten Free. Apparently my body wasn’t processing the gluten, but instead storing it as fat since it didn’t know what to do with it. I stand to work off a bit more weight in the near future if I keep a healthy diet going.

–lunaKM

Thursday Notes

I don’t normally blog today but I’m bored so what can I say?

Master allowed me to purchase our first quantity of needles today. I purchased 20 and 22 gauge needles from MTSLEnterprises. I’m quite excited to try a full scene with them. The three that I got to test last weekend were fantastic.

(Oh and BTW, if anyone has even better prices with their supplier, let me know!)

There’s something about needles that make it more about the intimate connection between the two people – the penetration of my skin, the trust I hold with Master than with the pain involved. While I know Master and he will make it painful; I know that I will feel spiritually connected to him while he does it.

I am looking forward to one day have a full corset (similar to this one) down my back. Laced and looking pretty. Maybe for an entire play party. Who knows!

I also purchased some Cavicide wipes for area prep. When the needles arrive Master said we can go to the drug store and get the other items (sharps container, alcohol prep pads, bandaids, gloves, storage container for the kit and a prep tray if he doesn’t like any of the trays I don’t use already).

Talking about play, Master and I want to play this weekend. It’s been awhile since we had a scene – most of our play is spontaneous and happens with sex in mind. I’m hoping we finally try out the leather strap that we got from BDSM-Gear a long while ago for review. I’m sure starla is wondering if we’ll ever get around to it.

I’ve been so happy that my sex drive has returned at least a little bit. It reminds me how wonderful it is to be a woman when you feel desirable and turned on. I’m actually watching porn more often just to have that feeling of being sexually excited. It’s just a great feeling.

Master seems happy but perplexed. Like today. I’m in migraine hangover so doing anything sexy sounds completely not possible and yet I’ve watched some porn and enjoyed the feelings in my pussy. I feel so alive!

–lunaKM

Sexy, Me? Move Along

I mentioned to Master the other day that I was happy that the scale showed a loss for last week. He said he was happy too because I was at the highest weight that he can be attracted to. He’s told me before that if I gain any more that I’ll be moving out of the range that he enjoys and into just being fat. I know that it’s a limit but hearing it has reminding me just how disgusting I am.

I’m at his limit. Any more and he won’t like what he sees. I already have issues in the mirror but looking at me and expecting to be excited I guess is something else.

Sex has always been an important thing in our relationship. It’s how we communicate sometimes. It’s definitely how we have fun.

And it isn’t happening. I brought up to Master that I felt frustrated that he would come to me in the morning and “remind” me that he wanted sex today. So he stopped all interaction with me at all unless it had to do with food, coffee or to ask a question. Sure he’ll come out to the living room and sit with me, but talk is minimal. It’s all to show me how he has to live – waiting for me to feel interested in sex enough to approach him. And then when I do he acts just as I do, mediocre. I get it, I really do. I’m not showing him that I want him and desire him.

It makes for trying to express our passion like pulling teeth. I woke up today feeling miserable about the whole thing; that if we could just reconnect and have sex that we could start getting back to where we need to be to actually work on the problem instead of being negative. I’ve asked Master several time if he’s interested in sex, and that sex would cheer me up. He says yeah but looks at me like, “why would I want to fuck you?”

I know it’s because I’m depressed and mopey – but I keep hearing it as, “why would I want to fuck YOU?” as if I’m unattractive and distasteful. He stopped me last time I brought his coffee and said he wasn’t against having sex.

“You have a funny way of showing it.”

“Well look at you?!” (meaning – look at your all depressed and moping around)

I am looking, and that’s why I feel like shit. I just need to be shown I’m not shit. That even if I don’t act excited when he asks me for sex that I really do want to reconnect. This sucks.

I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t feel sexy and he wants me to look like I want to have sex when I ask or he brings it up.

Fuck, it’s my problem. I just need to get over this guilt trip and do something about it. I need to cheer up, look him in the eye and then suck his dick. That might make it better.

–lunaKM

EDIT: I just want everyone to know that the way I talk on this blog sometimes makes KM come off as an ass. He really isn’t! I swear!

Busy Energy

KnitSexy thoughts at the start of the new year! Check out the slutty stats in the sidebar. We’ve been busy and it’s only the 6th . I can hope that it will continue to be just as much fun but we all know that there are lulls in any relationship. Let’s just keep them from coming on too fast!

I’m having a great time with Master and letting myself relax into being horny. For those of you who think that I should always be horny, well, I’m not so lucky. Ever since I stopped masturbating at all hours I’ve been hard pressed to feel horny. And I don’t even crave masturbation any more.

And really, it has nothing to do with my overall sexual health because I can get turned on just as soon as sexual activity starts, but if I’m the one that has to approach him when I’m horny then it may take a long time before that happens. I don’t know why it’s working that way. Frustrating to say the least.

Moving on, I have to have a follow up blood test for my thyroid and it’s going to cost $98! So, I have to save for it. I need it before my Dr appointment in February so that we have something to talk about. I’m also interested in knowing what my number is since I’ve had to nap less with the increased meds. While my mood, attention span and energy haven’t really gotten better the less napping is a good sign.

Not a whole lot of direct training is going on right now, but I think Master is letting me settle into a cleaning routine before he mixes it up. Or perhaps he’s content with my level of training right now. Doesn’t matter to me. I’m hoping to be in charge of my goals and push through with what I want to work on for awhile.

What am I working on? Cleaning, personal maintenance and increasing the number of hours I work on Submissive Guide. How am I doing? It’s too early to say for sure but the Submissive Guide work need a major increase yet.

–lunaKM

Good vs Great

I’ve recently been reading Mollena’s blog and she has some jewels of writing that make me really think. Think about life, submission and how I am going about it. She has some fantastic videos on Kink Academy that have to do with active submission that get me charged up each time I watch them, and yes I’ve watched them more than once. This jewel of writing and thought came from her most recent blog post;

Being a good submissive means doing what my dominant wants even if he annoys me.

However.

Being a GREAT submissive means loving it when my dominant annoys me…and finding the joy in that frustration and discomfort.

I has me thinking this morning about my own life and my own submission. And not just because I missed my blogging deadline of yesterday. I have no excuse. I went to bed an hour early but had made that decision an hour previously – with no thought to writing a journal post. Blog fail.

But I’m here now and thanks to Mollena I’m doing more than just recounting my day of homemade laundry powder, fake Febreeze, cleaning and knitting. Although I did these things too, they don’t define my submission as serving Master does. Okay, yes doing these things makes Master happy, completing them makes me happy.

Thinking on Mollena’s quote above though – am I really obedient when he’s driving me insane? Sure, sometimes. I can recount the times I’ve cleaned up his wrappers and left over bits from his late night eating, thinking he needs to learn where the trash can is. Only to be reminded by myself that this is my duty and there’s no harm done. I just come up behind and clean up after him. Sure he’s perfectly capable of doing it, and I know that most of the time it is that he forgets or is to wrapped up in his food “hunting” to discard the waste. But it does annoy me sometimes. OK, so that makes me a good submissive (per Mollena’s quote).

And then I think, does his being annoying and my resulting frustration over it bring me joy? Nope. If I don’t immediately voice my opinion about his being annoying, I shake my head and go about the task, still wondering why he’s so annoying!

I think I’ll never reach the level of great when it comes to annoying dominant ways. I think I’ll still be irked with his idiosyncrasies years down the road and I’ll just continue. I won’t bring me joy or happiness. Just the furrowed brow and a bend to my task.

Oh a good example would be last night. Master was in the kitchen getting a glass of milk. He takes out a plastic glass and looks at the outside bottom. It has crumb remnants from a dishwashing cycle. He puts it on the counter. He looks at another, by this time I’m asking him what’s wrong. He shows me the bottoms of the glasses. Now, for me that’s no big deal – you won’t be drinking off the external bottom of the glass. But for him that’s just icky. He tells me I’ll be rewashing them and not putting them back in this condition.

At this point I’m annoyed because I don’t see the big deal. No one looks at the bottom of the exterior of the glass, it was just a bit of crumb remnant. No harm. Alright so, I have two glasses to rewash – that I don’t consider to be dirty – and he’s off with his glass of milk.  Do I love that he’s just annoyed me? Not really.

But I have learned something from it. I learned that he’s more particular about the cleanliness of the outside of his glasses than I am and that I need to start paying more attention to that when I unload the dishwasher. And then I wonder though. Is it to improve his cup selection that I’m doing this or is it really because he annoyed me and I want to avoid being annoyed again. Yeah, it’s likely the second. Sounds terrible of me. And as I learn, I grow. Could I perhaps one day learn to love being annoyed by some of his ways? Maybe. But it’s more likely that I will continue to work to prevent myself from being annoyed.

Is that proper submissive behavior? I don’t know. Either way the end result is the same. He gets cleaner glasses in exchange for my annoyance not rising by his eccentricities.

–lunaKM

Readers: What do you think about Mollena’s quote?

Bliss in Service

I got up at 4:30am yesterday to watch the Royal Wedding. Master thinks I’m silly for doing that but oh well. I’m in wedding fever mode so anything wedding I want to watch. I’ve been watching the specials all week long up to the day. The dress was a good choice. It was understated and classic. I liked the little smiles and body language you got to see. The ceremony was nice. I have never attended a catholic wedding so to have a service in the ceremony is foreign to me. Lovely choir though, I loved that part.

As for the rest of the day I had a headache all day so I was cranky. Which made Master cranky. So we spent the day separate so we didn’t attack each other. I went to bed with a headache and I’ve woken up with a mild headache that I hope will go away before Master gets up.

Master worked on subguide coding (for the new design/site) and he’s constantly dreaming up more products for me to make. I’m not sure where I’ll find the time to do it all but they were great ideas so, who knows. The community side of the site is coming along quite well. I have every hope that it will be worth joining and being a part of.

Journal Prompt: Do you ever find you enjoy the service just for the service’s sake?

There is one thing I can think of that I do because it is service to Master and that in itself makes me feel good. Foot massage. When I ask Master if he’d like a foot massage it is usually because I want to connect with my service. I’m not a foot person, I don’t like feet really. But when I’m sitting on the floor in front of Master’s feet with a bottle of lotion or oil all I can think of is making him feel good and taking care of them. I tend to get focused on what I’m doing more than other things I do. Before the carpal tunnel I was able to massage them a lot longer and I miss doing that.

Another reason I like foot massage is because I can connect with the feeling of doing it just for service sake. There’s something peaceful there.  If I could find a way to connect this way in other tasks I’d be in bliss.

–lunaKM

Thinking things through

I remember when I used to blog here about my questioning whether I was submissive or not. The issues I had then were that I was so independent and pushing against Master’s control that I didn’t think I could be as submissive as he wanted me to be. Even then Master said he could see my deep desire to be submissive even if I couldn’t see it myself.

It took me  a long time to accept that submission really was where I wanted to be in life. When I did that something inside me shifted and I felt happy for the first time in a long time. I thrived on perfecting my submission to him and even though I am far from perfect I think for a time he was very pleased with me.

We’ve had our set backs. But we’ve had progress too. I used to complain endlessly about blow jobs on this blog to the point that readers would ask me why I haven’t put it on my limits list or how can I really be submissive if I don’t like giving head. Today, I enjoy it enough that complaining doesn’t happen. Master has awesome blow jobs. I’ve learned new tricks and I’m more at ease facing a cock. It is a good thing.

I’ve also slid into laziness, lost my focus with domestic chores and the rules I’ve had for years are slipping. Is this because I need him to recognize when I’m slipping and punish me? I don’t know. Punishment hasn’t really been something we do. Master prefers positive reinforcement.

So am I digging for attention? I don’t think that’s the answer either. I get plenty of attention whenever I need it. With Master home all the time I can see him whenever I’m feeling a moment of need.

Then is it that I’m no longer submissive? Can you fall out of submission?

Master has recently asked if we could move from D/s to M/s. This of course means I need to acknowledge and identify as a slave. I’ve never been comfortable with the title and unlike other people that I’ve talked to, it feels restricting. Identifying as a slave isn’t a freeing moment for me, it would be like locking me in a cage. I know it’s simply how I feel and that can be changed, but if I’ve felt this way for so long how long is it going to take?

Am I capable of being a slave? After a long talk with Master with some very raw feelings, it turns out that I probably can’t be the slave that Master wants. It hurts me to know that I’m inadequate. I understand that no one can be everything to someone, but that I am failing him in this growth hurts.

The biggest reason that I can’t accept slavery is the childhood abuse I suffered restricts how I manage things now. I’m not capable of letting go completely. I trust Master, I really do, more than I’ve trusted anyone. I know he’s not going to hurt me. But down inside myself is this beast, this dark evil thing that threatens to come out and be the abuser; or to tell me that no one can be trusted and drive me to feel like a child all over again.

I’m going to have to go to therapy to take care of these issues. It could change me. I’m hoping it would make me a better person and that Master would love me more; perhaps I could then become the slave for him. Right now, we can’t afford therapy; but soon.

I think I’ve started to self medicate by not talking to my father on the phone. I’d really like to not have the visions of pain and anger in my head and whenever we talk they come flooding back. I just can’t do it anymore. I’m also considering writing about the abuse to get it out and sort through it. Is self-therapy worth trying? I’ve had these things bottled up or maybe just the emotions attached to the events locked away for a long time.

So if I finally shed my childhood misery can I reach out to touch the slavehood that Master wants and I can possibly fulfill?

–lunaKM

I have a beast too

I got another piece of the wedding wardrobe today. The shawl I’m going to wear over my shoulders. It’s really pretty and will work well. I’m getting so excited. I think I just need shoes and jewelry.

Master and I are still strained D/s relationship-wise, but the communication lines are wide open. We’ll figure something out that will make us both happy. Right now I’m working on focus. I asked Master for weekly meetings to see where I’m slipping and hopefully catch it before it gets bad.

I wrote an essay for him answering some questions he posed to me a while ago and they were difficult to answer. The answers will make it hard for him to move forward with his training plans for me and I foresee some therapy in my future to work out childhood issues (things I don’t want to face).

It angers me to know that the abuse I suffered as a child is hindering my progress as his submissive and that it’s taken this long to realize what’s stopping me from submitting fully. If it’s what I want, but can’t get past the barriers, what happens to me? To us? I put up this protective wall and I’m terrified of what I see on the other side. Why would I want to tear it down? The abused can become the abuser. I can see it. I feel it. It’s there, hiding in wait. The wall is the only thing keeping it back. And I want to put a happiness in submission on top of it.

But that’s not enough. I push at authority because of it. I question every decision. I can’t relax and allow him to be in control. But I want it! Damn childhood trauma getting in the way.

My life sucked, why does it get in the way of my new happy life? Am I destined to struggle?

–lunaKM

Resistance is Futile

One of Master’s favorite qualities in me is that I’m willing and able to change and grow for him. He says that all submissives should have that trait but it’s likely that many don’t. When Master and I first got together, everything we did together was hot and I rarely questioned what he was doing or thinking. Now, however, much to his frustration, I even ask him what he’s doing when he grabs my hair or asks me to do something. Why I’ve started not feeling the Dominance or allowing my submissive nature through more often is unsure, but I will get to the root of it someday. I’ve been tasked to figure out why I’ve become resistant to compliance and I’m sure that this blog will be focusing on that for the near future.

I don’t have to remind anyone that I’m not a perfect submissive (I even have an anti-fan that wishes I’d stop giving advice and tells me so in comments frequently). But what I do have is an ability to understand and analyze things, to accept some answers and dig deeper for better answers. I can and will seek out what will work for us.

So, when he brought up that some of his frustration was in my reactions, or lack there of to his Dominance I knew I had a chore ahead. I don’t know why I stopped acting the way I had. Perhaps some of it was the newness of the relationship, the newness of D/s and BDSM at the time, but certainly not because it wasn’t one of the hottest things ever. I still get weak knee-ed when he grabs me just so or gives me a dose of his Dominance. I have to try to open myself up to those feelings all the time.

This is just the start. When I have more to say, I’ll be back.

–lunaKM

Traditionally this post is sappy…

but since neither of us were in the mood for sappy I’ll just go with whatever’s on my mind.

Today I told Master I wanted to suck his cock. It’s monumental for me because if you’ve been a reader for any length of time you’ll know that things to do with blow jobs are difficult for me. Honestly I really did want to suck his cock. It’s interesting. I don’t know if it was a Valentine’s day expectation of sucking or that it’s a step in a new direction. Heck, it was hot and that’s all that matters right now.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading on FetLife lately. I use it mostly as idea fodder for Submissive Guide, but some of the posts make me shake my head and it is just not worth it. Like this one I read from a Dominant that was asking where the honor between Dominants was. He goes on to say that his ex slave stole some items of his and that the honorable thing the new Dominant should do is give them back. He names names and calls him out. That’s not very honorable. He should have just dealt with it in private. It’s not a public squabble.

It’s along the same lines as gossip. I used to be a terrible gossip. I loved hearing it and talking about it. That’s not very honorable either. Master stopped that almost immediately when I first met him. And it’s stuck. It’s also something I agree with completely and try to tell others that gossiping just isn’t appropriate behavior. We’ve lost all decorum and manners, really.

I’m no angel, surely, but I try to learn how things would be done if Emily Post were sitting on my shoulder whispering in my ear. I gobble up manners and etiquette articles. I love the ‘proper lady’ stuff. I’m far from a proper lady still but it’s something to work for!

–lunaKM

Turn on the Lust

I’m dealing with an achy wrist day. I thought I’d be making flour tortillas and getting Master off frequently but I’ve had to go to the store and buy tortillas. Forget the kneading dough today. I did wank Master this morning though; happy wake up!

I screamed into the mattress when I came tonight. Master’s application of the Hitachi wand is blissful or torture, depending on how he chooses to use it. Tonight it was great.

He’s been getting a bit more sex than usual, and we are trying to make it habitual that our life is more sex. We do, after all, work at home together all the time. As a part of my training Master wants me to start asking for sex and sexual activities. I’m not good at all with that, so my first task is to reconnect with my sexual desire. It’s funny how after being with Master and his control over me that I’ve disconnected my lust from my control.

I’m still going to have to work out how to do that.

–lunaKM

Textbook Sub Drop

My bruises are still quite vivid from this weekend’s play. (Photos have been uploaded to the previous post if you are interested.) Master loves looking at them and I admit a small part of me loves that too. I did have a hard fall from play and the past couple days I’ve been really stuck in emotional and mental questioning.

And it’s so textbook! I’m questioning why I should enjoy Master caning my breasts if he loves me. Why would he enjoy beating my breasts if he loves me? It’s all stuck on the love thing and even though I know deep down inside that we do these things because we love each other it still isn’t registering with my questioning brain right now.

I think part of why I’m having such a hard time is that this last session was all about pain. There was no pleasure in the pain, just straight taking it, trying hard to process it and failing. I never got to the god that feels good sort of pain.  Now the vampire gloved spanking, that was oh so yummy kind of pain. I was asking him for more and everything! The tit caning, not so much.

It hurt, it made me cry and it made my struggle to keep myself together and try desperately to enjoy myself. Now, I know that I did, because afterwards I felt good about what I had accomplished but I know it sure took a lot of strength out of me.

I’ve been dealing today with some stomach issues, and I don’t know if it’s related to my sub drop trouble. Master asked me when I was laying down if I was stressed or had a bout of anxiety or something. Neither of those felt like they were the answer, but I couldn’t say with certainty that it was just a stomach thing, ya know?

–lunaKM

Big Dreams Brewing

You that feeling you get when you are so close to your dreams you can taste them? Well Master and I took another step forward in our business plans and Kinky-Blogging is almost ready for open sign ups. It’s exciting. I’m certain that once people know about it, they’ll move their kinky blogs to us. We are setting up with a payment processor for the upgrade packages people can get. Just a few more coding plugins and then it’s ready!

This blog will move to Kinky Blogging at some point (you won’t notice a change) and so will Submissive Guide. In fact Submissive Guide is next on the list once KB is open and running. I’m excited and thrilled because I’ll be able to offer even more to readers and the community will have more awesome features too.

On to personal things…

Master and I have not been sleeping well. It’s apparent that we are either getting sick again (ugh) or it’s just darned cold. I’d wager it’s the later. And Master has been plagued with headaches for awhile. Anyone else feeling the winter blahs big time? I just want the spring and summer sun to come through my windows again.

I’ve started doing the requested tasks that I mentioned a week ago. Master really likes me asking permission to enter his presence. We use it for his office only, as this creates a more special space for him. So, at the door I knock and ask if I can enter. He grants me permission and when I’m finished doing whatever it was I entered for I ask for permission to leave. He has said several times that he likes it. I’m sure we’ll continue with that.

It makes me feel good to know that he’s got some private space and that we have added a bit of protocol to our life. It’s so wonderful and is a start for some fantastic things to come.

–lunaKM

What's the point of titles on a personal blog?

(I’m considering ditching titles in the new year. They are pretty darned useless on a personal blog anyhow. Dates work.)

I’m so ready for my wrist pains to go away. I’ve broken out the heavy duty wrist braces with the metal supports to see if I can cut it down a bit. I want to be able to please Master with a blow job for Christmas at least, if not before. I take Alieve every time I can and it’s helping, but not completely.  If I could I’d just sit around all day and not do anything that requires my hands. But then that means asking for more TV time just to waste a day and I’m not looking to do that yet.

We are supposed to get some snow tomorrow late through Friday. I’m glad I don’t have to travel anywhere. We aren’t even having family Christmas till Monday.

Christmas day we’ll be watching Dr Who all day and then the Christmas special that evening. I’m fixing turkey and trimmings. It should be a nice day.

Then, Monday we are going to my mom’s house where my sister and her children will be there and my brother’s daughter will be also. Lots of kids taxing Master’s nerves. He’s definitely not a kids person. I’m going to do my best to only be at Mom’s for as little as possible, but that’s still several hours. Dinner is at 3pm with present opening after. And at Mom’s house that means, one… present… at… a… time. Everyone has to watch what everyone else gets. The longest it’s taken is 4 hours. I really hope it doesn’t take that long this time.

Moving on to my service, Master and I have had talks about bits of service that I used to do, but have stopped doing. A few of them I expressed a desire to get back into it. I’m not sure why I stopped to begin with because I know Master liked it. I know I enjoyed it. It just… stopped. So, we’ll be restarting them now.

They were never rules, they were things I either just started doing and he told me he liked it, or it was something we did to keep me in a good mindset when I was having issues with that. So, Master never needed to correct me for failing to do it but now I’m asking him to ramp it on those if I get bad.

One of them is that whenever I deliver something to Master (ie. his coffee) I will present it to him with “Your coffee Master” and wait for a response from him.  I’m also wanting to add back asking for permission to leave his presence as well as acknowledging his presence when he enters the room. I’m not sure what I’ll be doing, but probably a word greeting with a halt to whatever I’m doing to let him know I’m available to him if he needs me.

I like protocol and dropping these things confuses me. Now, I’ve started up the presentation again, as that one seems easiest to restart. The asking to leave his presence and acknowledging his entrance will take a bit. We’ll have to discuss what we’ll like to do for that and what will work in public as well as private.

You may recall a few years ago, if you’ve been following me that long, that I had a home management journal in physical form. I didn’t have a place for it to live really so it kept getting put away, and then never pulled out and used. Well last week I had a light bulb moment. I’m online a lot, almost all the time. Why not use the internet to house my management journal. So, I’m working on adding what I want to it. You can peak at it if you click on the Homecare link up there in the navigation. Just remember that it’s pretty empty right now.

–lunaKM

From the Inside Out

I feel like I didn’t get any sleep last night even though I went to bed at 9:30 and didn’t get up till 8 this morning. I’ve tried hard not to take a nap because I’m afraid I’ll not wake up.

It has helped a bit that the stress of this week is starting to lift, even if things aren’t perfect yet. We have a little bit of money coming in and more coming a bit later. I know that Master has plans to not let it happen again, but it’s going to take time to build up our savings. Our dreams will realize one day.

The BDSM panel discussion yesterday went really really well. While talking I realized that I have quite a structured life and that my behavior modifications bring me deeper into submission than I thought. Talking with my friends on the way home it turns out the way I think about submission and the methods that Master has taught me to understand myself are not very common. They were quite impressed with how I see my personal growth and would like for me to present on them at some point in the future at the local group.  I’m still thinking about that, but I think I’d love it.

From a personal standpoint, when I first started my journey I was quite content to say that I submitted because I wanted to please my Master. Now, I consider that a knee-jerk reaction and not a good enough reason. Master has taught me that my desire to serve needs to be in the forefront before his pleasure because that way what I serve him is ultimately better and more fulfilling.

He’s lead me to a personal growth in my submission that I never thought I’d reach; something that I think very few submissives ever try to get to. So many that I know are happy to stay at the knee jerk submission and not reach within themselves to know more about what makes them happy to serve. I can say that through all my struggles, Master has been adamant about me learning why I struggle rather than just overcoming the obstacle.

It’s made me better that way. He has been the best thing to ever happen in my life because he has taught me to better myself from the inside out.

I love you Master.

–lunaKM