There were so many comments in the last post about my feeling less playful that I thought it deserved another post.
Master and I talk all the time, and before the post went live we had already discussed my declining playfulness and my desire to rekindle it. We came to a conclusion that part of the reason it isn’t happening right now is that I’ve been sick off and on for weeks and it’s hard to feel sexually playful when you are sick every other day. Which of course amplifies any reaction to the playfulness I see between froggy and Master because I’m unable to engage in my own due to illness.
The other fact is that I’m feeling very negative about my attractiveness and my body right now. It’s got me really down at the moment and while I know exactly what I need to do to make it right that doesn’t help the feelings I’m experiencing right this moment. It’s not what Master sees and I know it. He finds my body very attractive and even though I love that he practically stops whatever he’s doing to watch me walk through the room I still feel like a blob.
Master has suggested that we take some sexy photos of me to try to boost my body confidence. I used to love being in front of the camera and posing for Master. For some reason or another I stopped wanting to do it. I agree that I’d have fun doing that for him so we have that planned.
In fact we had it planned for tonight but I’m feeling so depressed that I can’t even think about being sexy let alone letting it show on my face. Master feels so helpless right now. He’s frequently asking me if there is anything he can do and honestly there isn’t anything. And my tears are creating painful glances from him. I wish he could help me, I do.
I just have to dig through it and find the light at the end of the tunnel. It doesn’t help that I’ve gained 4 lbs in 2 weeks. The scale can be an evil master. But looking at what I’ve been eating lately there is no surprise that I’ve gained. I’ve really slipped and not cared one hoot about it.
But Master has noticed and has mentioned here and there that he’s concerned that I’ve not exercised in a long time, or that I’m eating an awful lot of bad for me foods and less of the good ones. I’m snacking more and drinking less water. I well aware of it.
So, today when Master asked when I was going to exercise again and when I said I didn’t know, he wanted to know what kind of excuse that was. I got up right away and did a power mile (WATP). While I’m happy I did it, I’m still crying because I feel ugly.
You see, even though I usually have fantastic body image and I’m usually confident that I exude sexuality and femininity I have my off days. No one is perfect. I’m not sure how I’ll recover this time around but I know I will.
Mischief in May is this weekend. I do hope that I can feel good about myself by then. Maybe that’s why I’m hesitant to play in public. I don’t even want to get undressed in front of others. It’s interesting to think that last year when I weighed 20 lbs more I was just fine flashing it all – even asking people to check out my saline-inflated breasts.
I’ve got 4 days. Let’s see if I can turn it around.