lunaKM

A Slut-Wife Submissive Learning Domestic Slavehood

Category Archives: Submission

Thursday Notes

I don’t normally blog today but I’m bored so what can I say?

Master allowed me to purchase our first quantity of needles today. I purchased 20 and 22 gauge needles from MTSLEnterprises. I’m quite excited to try a full scene with them. The three that I got to test last weekend were fantastic.

(Oh and BTW, if anyone has even better prices with their supplier, let me know!)

There’s something about needles that make it more about the intimate connection between the two people – the penetration of my skin, the trust I hold with Master than with the pain involved. While I know Master and he will make it painful; I know that I will feel spiritually connected to him while he does it.

I am looking forward to one day have a full corset (similar to this one) down my back. Laced and looking pretty. Maybe for an entire play party. Who knows!

I also purchased some Cavicide wipes for area prep. When the needles arrive Master said we can go to the drug store and get the other items (sharps container, alcohol prep pads, bandaids, gloves, storage container for the kit and a prep tray if he doesn’t like any of the trays I don’t use already).

Talking about play, Master and I want to play this weekend. It’s been awhile since we had a scene – most of our play is spontaneous and happens with sex in mind. I’m hoping we finally try out the leather strap that we got from BDSM-Gear a long while ago for review. I’m sure starla is wondering if we’ll ever get around to it.

I’ve been so happy that my sex drive has returned at least a little bit. It reminds me how wonderful it is to be a woman when you feel desirable and turned on. I’m actually watching porn more often just to have that feeling of being sexually excited. It’s just a great feeling.

Master seems happy but perplexed. Like today. I’m in migraine hangover so doing anything sexy sounds completely not possible and yet I’ve watched some porn and enjoyed the feelings in my pussy. I feel so alive!

–lunaKM

Sexy, Me? Move Along

I mentioned to Master the other day that I was happy that the scale showed a loss for last week. He said he was happy too because I was at the highest weight that he can be attracted to. He’s told me before that if I gain any more that I’ll be moving out of the range that he enjoys and into just being fat. I know that it’s a limit but hearing it has reminding me just how disgusting I am.

I’m at his limit. Any more and he won’t like what he sees. I already have issues in the mirror but looking at me and expecting to be excited I guess is something else.

Sex has always been an important thing in our relationship. It’s how we communicate sometimes. It’s definitely how we have fun.

And it isn’t happening. I brought up to Master that I felt frustrated that he would come to me in the morning and “remind” me that he wanted sex today. So he stopped all interaction with me at all unless it had to do with food, coffee or to ask a question. Sure he’ll come out to the living room and sit with me, but talk is minimal. It’s all to show me how he has to live – waiting for me to feel interested in sex enough to approach him. And then when I do he acts just as I do, mediocre. I get it, I really do. I’m not showing him that I want him and desire him.

It makes for trying to express our passion like pulling teeth. I woke up today feeling miserable about the whole thing; that if we could just reconnect and have sex that we could start getting back to where we need to be to actually work on the problem instead of being negative. I’ve asked Master several time if he’s interested in sex, and that sex would cheer me up. He says yeah but looks at me like, “why would I want to fuck you?”

I know it’s because I’m depressed and mopey – but I keep hearing it as, “why would I want to fuck YOU?” as if I’m unattractive and distasteful. He stopped me last time I brought his coffee and said he wasn’t against having sex.

“You have a funny way of showing it.”

“Well look at you?!” (meaning – look at your all depressed and moping around)

I am looking, and that’s why I feel like shit. I just need to be shown I’m not shit. That even if I don’t act excited when he asks me for sex that I really do want to reconnect. This sucks.

I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t feel sexy and he wants me to look like I want to have sex when I ask or he brings it up.

Fuck, it’s my problem. I just need to get over this guilt trip and do something about it. I need to cheer up, look him in the eye and then suck his dick. That might make it better.

–lunaKM

EDIT: I just want everyone to know that the way I talk on this blog sometimes makes KM come off as an ass. He really isn’t! I swear!

Busy Energy

KnitSexy thoughts at the start of the new year! Check out the slutty stats in the sidebar. We’ve been busy and it’s only the 6th . I can hope that it will continue to be just as much fun but we all know that there are lulls in any relationship. Let’s just keep them from coming on too fast!

I’m having a great time with Master and letting myself relax into being horny. For those of you who think that I should always be horny, well, I’m not so lucky. Ever since I stopped masturbating at all hours I’ve been hard pressed to feel horny. And I don’t even crave masturbation any more.

And really, it has nothing to do with my overall sexual health because I can get turned on just as soon as sexual activity starts, but if I’m the one that has to approach him when I’m horny then it may take a long time before that happens. I don’t know why it’s working that way. Frustrating to say the least.

Moving on, I have to have a follow up blood test for my thyroid and it’s going to cost $98! So, I have to save for it. I need it before my Dr appointment in February so that we have something to talk about. I’m also interested in knowing what my number is since I’ve had to nap less with the increased meds. While my mood, attention span and energy haven’t really gotten better the less napping is a good sign.

Not a whole lot of direct training is going on right now, but I think Master is letting me settle into a cleaning routine before he mixes it up. Or perhaps he’s content with my level of training right now. Doesn’t matter to me. I’m hoping to be in charge of my goals and push through with what I want to work on for awhile.

What am I working on? Cleaning, personal maintenance and increasing the number of hours I work on Submissive Guide. How am I doing? It’s too early to say for sure but the Submissive Guide work need a major increase yet.

–lunaKM

Good vs Great

I’ve recently been reading Mollena’s blog and she has some jewels of writing that make me really think. Think about life, submission and how I am going about it. She has some fantastic videos on Kink Academy that have to do with active submission that get me charged up each time I watch them, and yes I’ve watched them more than once. This jewel of writing and thought came from her most recent blog post;

Being a good submissive means doing what my dominant wants even if he annoys me.

However.

Being a GREAT submissive means loving it when my dominant annoys me…and finding the joy in that frustration and discomfort.

I has me thinking this morning about my own life and my own submission. And not just because I missed my blogging deadline of yesterday. I have no excuse. I went to bed an hour early but had made that decision an hour previously – with no thought to writing a journal post. Blog fail.

But I’m here now and thanks to Mollena I’m doing more than just recounting my day of homemade laundry powder, fake Febreeze, cleaning and knitting. Although I did these things too, they don’t define my submission as serving Master does. Okay, yes doing these things makes Master happy, completing them makes me happy.

Thinking on Mollena’s quote above though – am I really obedient when he’s driving me insane? Sure, sometimes. I can recount the times I’ve cleaned up his wrappers and left over bits from his late night eating, thinking he needs to learn where the trash can is. Only to be reminded by myself that this is my duty and there’s no harm done. I just come up behind and clean up after him. Sure he’s perfectly capable of doing it, and I know that most of the time it is that he forgets or is to wrapped up in his food “hunting” to discard the waste. But it does annoy me sometimes. OK, so that makes me a good submissive (per Mollena’s quote).

And then I think, does his being annoying and my resulting frustration over it bring me joy? Nope. If I don’t immediately voice my opinion about his being annoying, I shake my head and go about the task, still wondering why he’s so annoying!

I think I’ll never reach the level of great when it comes to annoying dominant ways. I think I’ll still be irked with his idiosyncrasies years down the road and I’ll just continue. I won’t bring me joy or happiness. Just the furrowed brow and a bend to my task.

Oh a good example would be last night. Master was in the kitchen getting a glass of milk. He takes out a plastic glass and looks at the outside bottom. It has crumb remnants from a dishwashing cycle. He puts it on the counter. He looks at another, by this time I’m asking him what’s wrong. He shows me the bottoms of the glasses. Now, for me that’s no big deal – you won’t be drinking off the external bottom of the glass. But for him that’s just icky. He tells me I’ll be rewashing them and not putting them back in this condition.

At this point I’m annoyed because I don’t see the big deal. No one looks at the bottom of the exterior of the glass, it was just a bit of crumb remnant. No harm. Alright so, I have two glasses to rewash – that I don’t consider to be dirty – and he’s off with his glass of milk.  Do I love that he’s just annoyed me? Not really.

But I have learned something from it. I learned that he’s more particular about the cleanliness of the outside of his glasses than I am and that I need to start paying more attention to that when I unload the dishwasher. And then I wonder though. Is it to improve his cup selection that I’m doing this or is it really because he annoyed me and I want to avoid being annoyed again. Yeah, it’s likely the second. Sounds terrible of me. And as I learn, I grow. Could I perhaps one day learn to love being annoyed by some of his ways? Maybe. But it’s more likely that I will continue to work to prevent myself from being annoyed.

Is that proper submissive behavior? I don’t know. Either way the end result is the same. He gets cleaner glasses in exchange for my annoyance not rising by his eccentricities.

–lunaKM

Readers: What do you think about Mollena’s quote?

Bliss in Service

I got up at 4:30am yesterday to watch the Royal Wedding. Master thinks I’m silly for doing that but oh well. I’m in wedding fever mode so anything wedding I want to watch. I’ve been watching the specials all week long up to the day. The dress was a good choice. It was understated and classic. I liked the little smiles and body language you got to see. The ceremony was nice. I have never attended a catholic wedding so to have a service in the ceremony is foreign to me. Lovely choir though, I loved that part.

As for the rest of the day I had a headache all day so I was cranky. Which made Master cranky. So we spent the day separate so we didn’t attack each other. I went to bed with a headache and I’ve woken up with a mild headache that I hope will go away before Master gets up.

Master worked on subguide coding (for the new design/site) and he’s constantly dreaming up more products for me to make. I’m not sure where I’ll find the time to do it all but they were great ideas so, who knows. The community side of the site is coming along quite well. I have every hope that it will be worth joining and being a part of.

Journal Prompt: Do you ever find you enjoy the service just for the service’s sake?

There is one thing I can think of that I do because it is service to Master and that in itself makes me feel good. Foot massage. When I ask Master if he’d like a foot massage it is usually because I want to connect with my service. I’m not a foot person, I don’t like feet really. But when I’m sitting on the floor in front of Master’s feet with a bottle of lotion or oil all I can think of is making him feel good and taking care of them. I tend to get focused on what I’m doing more than other things I do. Before the carpal tunnel I was able to massage them a lot longer and I miss doing that.

Another reason I like foot massage is because I can connect with the feeling of doing it just for service sake. There’s something peaceful there.  If I could find a way to connect this way in other tasks I’d be in bliss.

–lunaKM

Thinking things through

I remember when I used to blog here about my questioning whether I was submissive or not. The issues I had then were that I was so independent and pushing against Master’s control that I didn’t think I could be as submissive as he wanted me to be. Even then Master said he could see my deep desire to be submissive even if I couldn’t see it myself.

It took me  a long time to accept that submission really was where I wanted to be in life. When I did that something inside me shifted and I felt happy for the first time in a long time. I thrived on perfecting my submission to him and even though I am far from perfect I think for a time he was very pleased with me.

We’ve had our set backs. But we’ve had progress too. I used to complain endlessly about blow jobs on this blog to the point that readers would ask me why I haven’t put it on my limits list or how can I really be submissive if I don’t like giving head. Today, I enjoy it enough that complaining doesn’t happen. Master has awesome blow jobs. I’ve learned new tricks and I’m more at ease facing a cock. It is a good thing.

I’ve also slid into laziness, lost my focus with domestic chores and the rules I’ve had for years are slipping. Is this because I need him to recognize when I’m slipping and punish me? I don’t know. Punishment hasn’t really been something we do. Master prefers positive reinforcement.

So am I digging for attention? I don’t think that’s the answer either. I get plenty of attention whenever I need it. With Master home all the time I can see him whenever I’m feeling a moment of need.

Then is it that I’m no longer submissive? Can you fall out of submission?

Master has recently asked if we could move from D/s to M/s. This of course means I need to acknowledge and identify as a slave. I’ve never been comfortable with the title and unlike other people that I’ve talked to, it feels restricting. Identifying as a slave isn’t a freeing moment for me, it would be like locking me in a cage. I know it’s simply how I feel and that can be changed, but if I’ve felt this way for so long how long is it going to take?

Am I capable of being a slave? After a long talk with Master with some very raw feelings, it turns out that I probably can’t be the slave that Master wants. It hurts me to know that I’m inadequate. I understand that no one can be everything to someone, but that I am failing him in this growth hurts.

The biggest reason that I can’t accept slavery is the childhood abuse I suffered restricts how I manage things now. I’m not capable of letting go completely. I trust Master, I really do, more than I’ve trusted anyone. I know he’s not going to hurt me. But down inside myself is this beast, this dark evil thing that threatens to come out and be the abuser; or to tell me that no one can be trusted and drive me to feel like a child all over again.

I’m going to have to go to therapy to take care of these issues. It could change me. I’m hoping it would make me a better person and that Master would love me more; perhaps I could then become the slave for him. Right now, we can’t afford therapy; but soon.

I think I’ve started to self medicate by not talking to my father on the phone. I’d really like to not have the visions of pain and anger in my head and whenever we talk they come flooding back. I just can’t do it anymore. I’m also considering writing about the abuse to get it out and sort through it. Is self-therapy worth trying? I’ve had these things bottled up or maybe just the emotions attached to the events locked away for a long time.

So if I finally shed my childhood misery can I reach out to touch the slavehood that Master wants and I can possibly fulfill?

–lunaKM

I have a beast too

I got another piece of the wedding wardrobe today. The shawl I’m going to wear over my shoulders. It’s really pretty and will work well. I’m getting so excited. I think I just need shoes and jewelry.

Master and I are still strained D/s relationship-wise, but the communication lines are wide open. We’ll figure something out that will make us both happy. Right now I’m working on focus. I asked Master for weekly meetings to see where I’m slipping and hopefully catch it before it gets bad.

I wrote an essay for him answering some questions he posed to me a while ago and they were difficult to answer. The answers will make it hard for him to move forward with his training plans for me and I foresee some therapy in my future to work out childhood issues (things I don’t want to face).

It angers me to know that the abuse I suffered as a child is hindering my progress as his submissive and that it’s taken this long to realize what’s stopping me from submitting fully. If it’s what I want, but can’t get past the barriers, what happens to me? To us? I put up this protective wall and I’m terrified of what I see on the other side. Why would I want to tear it down? The abused can become the abuser. I can see it. I feel it. It’s there, hiding in wait. The wall is the only thing keeping it back. And I want to put a happiness in submission on top of it.

But that’s not enough. I push at authority because of it. I question every decision. I can’t relax and allow him to be in control. But I want it! Damn childhood trauma getting in the way.

My life sucked, why does it get in the way of my new happy life? Am I destined to struggle?

–lunaKM

Resistance is Futile

One of Master’s favorite qualities in me is that I’m willing and able to change and grow for him. He says that all submissives should have that trait but it’s likely that many don’t. When Master and I first got together, everything we did together was hot and I rarely questioned what he was doing or thinking. Now, however, much to his frustration, I even ask him what he’s doing when he grabs my hair or asks me to do something. Why I’ve started not feeling the Dominance or allowing my submissive nature through more often is unsure, but I will get to the root of it someday. I’ve been tasked to figure out why I’ve become resistant to compliance and I’m sure that this blog will be focusing on that for the near future.

I don’t have to remind anyone that I’m not a perfect submissive (I even have an anti-fan that wishes I’d stop giving advice and tells me so in comments frequently). But what I do have is an ability to understand and analyze things, to accept some answers and dig deeper for better answers. I can and will seek out what will work for us.

So, when he brought up that some of his frustration was in my reactions, or lack there of to his Dominance I knew I had a chore ahead. I don’t know why I stopped acting the way I had. Perhaps some of it was the newness of the relationship, the newness of D/s and BDSM at the time, but certainly not because it wasn’t one of the hottest things ever. I still get weak knee-ed when he grabs me just so or gives me a dose of his Dominance. I have to try to open myself up to those feelings all the time.

This is just the start. When I have more to say, I’ll be back.

–lunaKM

Traditionally this post is sappy…

but since neither of us were in the mood for sappy I’ll just go with whatever’s on my mind.

Today I told Master I wanted to suck his cock. It’s monumental for me because if you’ve been a reader for any length of time you’ll know that things to do with blow jobs are difficult for me. Honestly I really did want to suck his cock. It’s interesting. I don’t know if it was a Valentine’s day expectation of sucking or that it’s a step in a new direction. Heck, it was hot and that’s all that matters right now.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading on FetLife lately. I use it mostly as idea fodder for Submissive Guide, but some of the posts make me shake my head and it is just not worth it. Like this one I read from a Dominant that was asking where the honor between Dominants was. He goes on to say that his ex slave stole some items of his and that the honorable thing the new Dominant should do is give them back. He names names and calls him out. That’s not very honorable. He should have just dealt with it in private. It’s not a public squabble.

It’s along the same lines as gossip. I used to be a terrible gossip. I loved hearing it and talking about it. That’s not very honorable either. Master stopped that almost immediately when I first met him. And it’s stuck. It’s also something I agree with completely and try to tell others that gossiping just isn’t appropriate behavior. We’ve lost all decorum and manners, really.

I’m no angel, surely, but I try to learn how things would be done if Emily Post were sitting on my shoulder whispering in my ear. I gobble up manners and etiquette articles. I love the ‘proper lady’ stuff. I’m far from a proper lady still but it’s something to work for!

–lunaKM

Turn on the Lust

I’m dealing with an achy wrist day. I thought I’d be making flour tortillas and getting Master off frequently but I’ve had to go to the store and buy tortillas. Forget the kneading dough today. I did wank Master this morning though; happy wake up!

I screamed into the mattress when I came tonight. Master’s application of the Hitachi wand is blissful or torture, depending on how he chooses to use it. Tonight it was great.

He’s been getting a bit more sex than usual, and we are trying to make it habitual that our life is more sex. We do, after all, work at home together all the time. As a part of my training Master wants me to start asking for sex and sexual activities. I’m not good at all with that, so my first task is to reconnect with my sexual desire. It’s funny how after being with Master and his control over me that I’ve disconnected my lust from my control.

I’m still going to have to work out how to do that.

–lunaKM