There were so many comments in the last post about my feeling less playful that I thought it deserved another post.

Master and I talk all the time, and before the post went live we had already discussed my declining playfulness and my desire to rekindle it. We came to a conclusion that part of the reason it isn’t happening right now is that I’ve been sick off and on for weeks and it’s hard to feel sexually playful when you are sick every other day. Which of course amplifies any reaction to the playfulness I see between froggy and Master because I’m unable to engage in my own due to illness.

The other fact is that I’m feeling very negative about my attractiveness and my body right now. It’s got me really down at the moment and while I know exactly what I need to do to make it right that doesn’t help the feelings I’m experiencing right this moment. It’s not what Master sees and I know it. He finds my body very attractive and even though I love that he practically stops whatever he’s doing to watch me walk through the room I still feel like a blob.

Master has suggested that we take some sexy photos of me to try to boost my body confidence. I used to love being in front of the camera and posing for Master. For some reason or another I stopped wanting to do it. I agree that I’d have fun doing that for him so we have that planned.

In fact we had it planned for tonight but I’m feeling so depressed that I can’t even think about being sexy let alone letting it show on my face. Master feels so helpless right now. He’s frequently asking me if there is anything he can do and honestly there isn’t anything. And my tears are creating painful glances from him. I wish he could help me, I do.

I just have to dig through it and find the light at the end of the tunnel. It doesn’t help that I’ve gained 4 lbs in 2 weeks. The scale can be an evil master.  But looking at what I’ve been eating lately there is no surprise that I’ve gained. I’ve really slipped and not cared one hoot about it.

But Master has noticed and has mentioned here and there that he’s concerned that I’ve not exercised in a long time, or that I’m eating an awful lot of bad for me foods and less of the good ones. I’m snacking more and drinking less water. I well aware of it.

So, today when Master asked when I was going to exercise again and when I said I didn’t know, he wanted to know what kind of excuse that was. I got up right away and did a power mile (WATP). While I’m happy I did it, I’m still crying because I feel ugly.

You see, even though I usually have fantastic body image and I’m usually confident that I exude sexuality and femininity I have my off days. No one is perfect. I’m not sure how I’ll recover this time around but I know I will.

Mischief in May is this weekend. I do hope that I can feel good about myself by then. Maybe that’s why I’m hesitant to play in public. I don’t even want to get undressed in front of others. It’s interesting to think that last year when I weighed 20 lbs more I was just fine flashing it all – even asking people to check out my saline-inflated breasts.

I’ve got 4 days. Let’s see if I can turn it around.

–lunaKM

Twinge of jealousy and bewilderment that I somehow lost my playfulness. Master and froggy banter back and forth throughout the day, she does sexual and kinky little things for him. And while I never really got off on the doing things out and about town, I do miss the attention and little bits of play that happened in the beginning of our relationship.

If this means the honeymoon is over I don’t want that! I do know that at some point down the line I stopped responding favorably. I started whining and complaining when he asked these things of me. It has been like that for almost 8 years now.

And with froggy around, he’s getting to do those little things, with her.

I’ve asked him several times just today if I’m as much fun as she is. “Of course I am,” he says. I believe him, but part of me wonders why I stopped responding to his little games so long ago. I’ve never really figured that out.

It’s something I’d like to try to rekindle, but after 8 years of negative responses from me, how is he supposed to know that I might play back or just give him the cold shoulder again?

Most of what I’m saying is just internal monologue and I don’t expect anyone to follow it. I felt the desire to talk to myself about something troubling me.

Like tonight, he pinched my nipples through my shirt and instead of sighing or moaning or showing even the slightest joy for his attention. I cringed and muttered, “ouch”. And it’s not that I didn’t want his attention or that it really hurt to begin with. Did I want him to stop? No.

Give me back the playful.

–lunaKM

I often wish that I wasn’t such an online figure. The people who contact me and read what I write on Submissive Guide have this illusion that I’m a perfect submissive even when I share my struggles and inabilities to do things there and I get uncomfortable at times with how high up on that pedestal I am for them.

Sure I can be a role model, but I’m still human and I still make mistakes. I am not perfect and I don’t pretend to be. I’ve been known to embellish my submission to make it sound like I’m doing better than I am, but in all honestly I think most people have their moments.

I’m still learning, always will be working my way towards perfection and hope to continue to make Master happy in whatever ways I can. He accepts that I will slip up but he also upholds his responsibility to make sure that if I do I’m pushed back into place.

I do really enjoy being out there online though, which is a contradiction to the first part of this post for sure. I like knowing that my words help others, that there are submissives and slaves growing in their own submission because of the wisdom the gleaned from something I wrote or something one of the contributors shared. It is a great day when I get a thank you from someone who found there way through a difficult time because of some inspiration they found on Submissive Guide.

There’s no going back. I’m out there and I will be for quite some time. I’m not an anonymous voice and that was a choice I made early on. I wanted people to connect with me personally.

I guess what I’m saying is that some days I wish I wasn’t lunaKM of Submissive Guide but just KnyghtMare’s slave and nothing more. Perhaps I need to figure out how to separate the two so that I’m not always thinking about the next post, or reading email or searching for an interesting topic to write about, etc.

Well I’m off now. Going to get some housework done. Froggy is coming tomorrow!

–lunaKM

So it may come to a surprise for some that I’ve been in a bad mood lately. (Yeah I know, no big surprise.) I’ve had people tell me that it’s because of the poly relationship with froggy without even knowing me or any part of my current mind. I know that people just assume that anything poly is cause of trouble. But we’ve not had any trouble. All of us communicates well and we don’t let issues fester between us.

Last night I finally let the darkness take me and I realized just what was causing my depression and my sadness. You see, I watch the NRE (new relationship energy) with froggy and Master and I remember when we had that. And I want it again. I’m jealous of the fun sexy times they have. We used to be playful and spontaneous and he used to flirt and play with me all the time.

And then I started rebuffing him and giving him signals to stop. So he did. And now I miss it. He misses it. So I killed the playful nature that he loves. It’s been a constant issue with us and this same thing comes around on a regular basis. I know that I have to make the effort to change in order for things to change.

He listened to me and talked to me calmly about how I was feeling and telling me that it wasn’t stupid or wrong to feel the way I did, but that I needed to make an effort in order for him to want to be flirty with me again since he’s only ever gotten negative responses.

And I totally agree. What’s funny is that he said one of the ways we can fix this is that I give him blowjobs and play time whenever he wants it and stop finding excuses not to. So that’s a first start. Of course I still need to allow myself to feel sexy and flirty with him again so that he knows that I need him and want him.

He knows that the root issue is that I didn’t feel desirable to him anymore because of what I see with him and froggy. Even though that’s not the case at all (and he definitely still shows affection and desire towards me, but I chose to ignore it or push him away). It really is my problem that’s got me so down in the dumps.

While yes, froggy’s name has come up in this, it’s not the poly that is the problem. Actually it was because of froggy that I am reminded again that I’m failing behind on something that Master has been on my case about for years.

It felt like a weight was lifted when I told him today because I had felt so down that I knew he needed to know before froggy came up tomorrow so that I didn’t cause problems with her here. He cancelled his time with her for which I feel terrible.

He told me that one of his girls needs his time and that if it were froggy with an issue he’d be right there for her too. I know she’s sore about not being able to come up tomorrow now, but things just happen sometimes. I never intentionally went out of my way to keep her from being here. She deserves his time too. He makes the decisions and so we must both obey.

–lunaKM

Master finally decided on a punishment for my secret eating and lying about it. Starting today I am not allowed any video games and only 1 hour of TV per day for 2 weeks. He also wants me to write about why I started secret eating again (I have no idea). I’m more irked by the writing assignment than I am the rest of it. If I knew why I was secret eating don’t you think I’d be able to control it? Secret eating is a part of binge eating – although I do not binge and haven’t since 2007. It’s not always easy to pinpoint exactly why someone does that.

He asked me point blank if it was because of his new relationship with froggy. I said no, because I don’t think so. But I also told him that I wouldn’t tell him if it was because it would jeopardize his relationship with her. He’s happy and if I have a problem then I need to deal with it. Of course, his asking the question has sewn a seed of thought about it and I’m desperately trying to find/not find that as the reason this all started up again. Hell I don’t know. When I think that it could be the reason I start to cry and when I think it’s not the reason I feel a sense of relief. It’s a vicious cycle.

I’m sure I’ll have plenty of time to think about it while I find other things to occupy the time that used to be video games and TV. I’ll have to pick up my knitting again, and read some more, and work some more. Anything to not be bored. I hate being bored.

My period is a few days late again. It’s driving me insane because the placement of this new IUD is in a different spot for sure – the cramps are super intense and painful. More than they were with the other one. The difference this time around is that I’m spotting but nothing substantial. Just start already. Grr.

Tomorrow we drive up to Cedar Falls to do the BDSM panel at UNI again. Master is going to be on the panel this time, which is a rare treat for me. I love having him sitting next to me instead of in the audience. Talking to students about BDSM is a positive experience for me; I feel that the learn a bit of acceptance from being able to ask their questions and satisfy their curiosity.

Well that’s it for me today.

–lunaKM

I remember when I used to blog here about my questioning whether I was submissive or not. The issues I had then were that I was so independent and pushing against Master’s control that I didn’t think I could be as submissive as he wanted me to be. Even then Master said he could see my deep desire to be submissive even if I couldn’t see it myself.

It took me  a long time to accept that submission really was where I wanted to be in life. When I did that something inside me shifted and I felt happy for the first time in a long time. I thrived on perfecting my submission to him and even though I am far from perfect I think for a time he was very pleased with me.

We’ve had our set backs. But we’ve had progress too. I used to complain endlessly about blow jobs on this blog to the point that readers would ask me why I haven’t put it on my limits list or how can I really be submissive if I don’t like giving head. Today, I enjoy it enough that complaining doesn’t happen. Master has awesome blow jobs. I’ve learned new tricks and I’m more at ease facing a cock. It is a good thing.

I’ve also slid into laziness, lost my focus with domestic chores and the rules I’ve had for years are slipping. Is this because I need him to recognize when I’m slipping and punish me? I don’t know. Punishment hasn’t really been something we do. Master prefers positive reinforcement.

So am I digging for attention? I don’t think that’s the answer either. I get plenty of attention whenever I need it. With Master home all the time I can see him whenever I’m feeling a moment of need.

Then is it that I’m no longer submissive? Can you fall out of submission?

Master has recently asked if we could move from D/s to M/s. This of course means I need to acknowledge and identify as a slave. I’ve never been comfortable with the title and unlike other people that I’ve talked to, it feels restricting. Identifying as a slave isn’t a freeing moment for me, it would be like locking me in a cage. I know it’s simply how I feel and that can be changed, but if I’ve felt this way for so long how long is it going to take?

Am I capable of being a slave? After a long talk with Master with some very raw feelings, it turns out that I probably can’t be the slave that Master wants. It hurts me to know that I’m inadequate. I understand that no one can be everything to someone, but that I am failing him in this growth hurts.

The biggest reason that I can’t accept slavery is the childhood abuse I suffered restricts how I manage things now. I’m not capable of letting go completely. I trust Master, I really do, more than I’ve trusted anyone. I know he’s not going to hurt me. But down inside myself is this beast, this dark evil thing that threatens to come out and be the abuser; or to tell me that no one can be trusted and drive me to feel like a child all over again.

I’m going to have to go to therapy to take care of these issues. It could change me. I’m hoping it would make me a better person and that Master would love me more; perhaps I could then become the slave for him. Right now, we can’t afford therapy; but soon.

I think I’ve started to self medicate by not talking to my father on the phone. I’d really like to not have the visions of pain and anger in my head and whenever we talk they come flooding back. I just can’t do it anymore. I’m also considering writing about the abuse to get it out and sort through it. Is self-therapy worth trying? I’ve had these things bottled up or maybe just the emotions attached to the events locked away for a long time.

So if I finally shed my childhood misery can I reach out to touch the slavehood that Master wants and I can possibly fulfill?

–lunaKM

I got another piece of the wedding wardrobe today. The shawl I’m going to wear over my shoulders. It’s really pretty and will work well. I’m getting so excited. I think I just need shoes and jewelry.

Master and I are still strained D/s relationship-wise, but the communication lines are wide open. We’ll figure something out that will make us both happy. Right now I’m working on focus. I asked Master for weekly meetings to see where I’m slipping and hopefully catch it before it gets bad.

I wrote an essay for him answering some questions he posed to me a while ago and they were difficult to answer. The answers will make it hard for him to move forward with his training plans for me and I foresee some therapy in my future to work out childhood issues (things I don’t want to face).

It angers me to know that the abuse I suffered as a child is hindering my progress as his submissive and that it’s taken this long to realize what’s stopping me from submitting fully. If it’s what I want, but can’t get past the barriers, what happens to me? To us? I put up this protective wall and I’m terrified of what I see on the other side. Why would I want to tear it down? The abused can become the abuser. I can see it. I feel it. It’s there, hiding in wait. The wall is the only thing keeping it back. And I want to put a happiness in submission on top of it.

But that’s not enough. I push at authority because of it. I question every decision. I can’t relax and allow him to be in control. But I want it! Damn childhood trauma getting in the way.

My life sucked, why does it get in the way of my new happy life? Am I destined to struggle?

–lunaKM

but since neither of us were in the mood for sappy I’ll just go with whatever’s on my mind.

Today I told Master I wanted to suck his cock. It’s monumental for me because if you’ve been a reader for any length of time you’ll know that things to do with blow jobs are difficult for me. Honestly I really did want to suck his cock. It’s interesting. I don’t know if it was a Valentine’s day expectation of sucking or that it’s a step in a new direction. Heck, it was hot and that’s all that matters right now.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading on FetLife lately. I use it mostly as idea fodder for Submissive Guide, but some of the posts make me shake my head and it is just not worth it. Like this one I read from a Dominant that was asking where the honor between Dominants was. He goes on to say that his ex slave stole some items of his and that the honorable thing the new Dominant should do is give them back. He names names and calls him out. That’s not very honorable. He should have just dealt with it in private. It’s not a public squabble.

It’s along the same lines as gossip. I used to be a terrible gossip. I loved hearing it and talking about it. That’s not very honorable either. Master stopped that almost immediately when I first met him. And it’s stuck. It’s also something I agree with completely and try to tell others that gossiping just isn’t appropriate behavior. We’ve lost all decorum and manners, really.

I’m no angel, surely, but I try to learn how things would be done if Emily Post were sitting on my shoulder whispering in my ear. I gobble up manners and etiquette articles. I love the ‘proper lady’ stuff. I’m far from a proper lady still but it’s something to work for!

–lunaKM

You that feeling you get when you are so close to your dreams you can taste them? Well Master and I took another step forward in our business plans and Kinky-Blogging is almost ready for open sign ups. It’s exciting. I’m certain that once people know about it, they’ll move their kinky blogs to us. We are setting up with a payment processor for the upgrade packages people can get. Just a few more coding plugins and then it’s ready!

This blog will move to Kinky Blogging at some point (you won’t notice a change) and so will Submissive Guide. In fact Submissive Guide is next on the list once KB is open and running. I’m excited and thrilled because I’ll be able to offer even more to readers and the community will have more awesome features too.

On to personal things…

Master and I have not been sleeping well. It’s apparent that we are either getting sick again (ugh) or it’s just darned cold. I’d wager it’s the later. And Master has been plagued with headaches for awhile. Anyone else feeling the winter blahs big time? I just want the spring and summer sun to come through my windows again.

I’ve started doing the requested tasks that I mentioned a week ago. Master really likes me asking permission to enter his presence. We use it for his office only, as this creates a more special space for him. So, at the door I knock and ask if I can enter. He grants me permission and when I’m finished doing whatever it was I entered for I ask for permission to leave. He has said several times that he likes it. I’m sure we’ll continue with that.

It makes me feel good to know that he’s got some private space and that we have added a bit of protocol to our life. It’s so wonderful and is a start for some fantastic things to come.

–lunaKM

I feel like I didn’t get any sleep last night even though I went to bed at 9:30 and didn’t get up till 8 this morning. I’ve tried hard not to take a nap because I’m afraid I’ll not wake up.

It has helped a bit that the stress of this week is starting to lift, even if things aren’t perfect yet. We have a little bit of money coming in and more coming a bit later. I know that Master has plans to not let it happen again, but it’s going to take time to build up our savings. Our dreams will realize one day.

The BDSM panel discussion yesterday went really really well. While talking I realized that I have quite a structured life and that my behavior modifications bring me deeper into submission than I thought. Talking with my friends on the way home it turns out the way I think about submission and the methods that Master has taught me to understand myself are not very common. They were quite impressed with how I see my personal growth and would like for me to present on them at some point in the future at the local group.  I’m still thinking about that, but I think I’d love it.

From a personal standpoint, when I first started my journey I was quite content to say that I submitted because I wanted to please my Master. Now, I consider that a knee-jerk reaction and not a good enough reason. Master has taught me that my desire to serve needs to be in the forefront before his pleasure because that way what I serve him is ultimately better and more fulfilling.

He’s lead me to a personal growth in my submission that I never thought I’d reach; something that I think very few submissives ever try to get to. So many that I know are happy to stay at the knee jerk submission and not reach within themselves to know more about what makes them happy to serve. I can say that through all my struggles, Master has been adamant about me learning why I struggle rather than just overcoming the obstacle.

It’s made me better that way. He has been the best thing to ever happen in my life because he has taught me to better myself from the inside out.

I love you Master.

–lunaKM