Life

The bulk of my thoughts go here. Life, something you can’t avoid.

Given the rough year that you and your Master have had, would you say that you’re happier today than you were a year ago? Two years ago? Three? Four? Five?

What would you change to make you happier? What could you change?

 

Currently no. The past 2 years have been hell for us financially but we are finally starting to see a glimmer of positive hope on that front. But relationship wise we are in the crapper big time and it’s been going south for years.

We are both at the lowest we’ve ever been and there are a lot of changes ahead to repair what’s going on. Much of it is my fault, to be honest, so I’m working on things and when we have money I’ll work on things with a therapist too. Until then we exist and take care of each other’s needs as they arise. We are committed to each other, and while a lot of people who read here think we shouldn’t be together, that we are too different, we know the score better than anyone and aren’t going anywhere.

You know, marriage used to be something you worked at, really hard. It’s an old-fashioned thing now to want to make it work and want to put forth the effort. Far too many people have divorce lawyers on speed dial these days.  Master and I have a really deep love for each other and really can’t see spending our lives with anyone else. So, our flaws and difficulties? Get worked through, dammit. It’s what makes us, us. While, I know, right now things are oppressively hard, I know that we can claw our way out of the darkness and step into the light together.

It’s just that important to us.

–lunaKM

What you and your Master are looking forward to this year and if your finances have finally turned around?

We aren’t looking forward to much of anything this year. We’ve been so far in the dark tunnel of stress that things just aren’t interesting right now. I suppose you could say we are looking forward to the Marvel movies coming out.

Our finances have not turned around yet, but they are getting better. It’s just too slow for my patience level!

–lunaKM

Hi Luna! I’ve been reading your blog for close to a decade! I’ve read about your ups and downs with weight for years now, and I wonder…what do you think is really keeping you from losing weight?

What keeps me from losing weight? I don’t like to exercise. Plain and simple. I hate it, will find anything else to do and every excuse to not do it.

 

As a second question, what do you like most about yourself?

My self-esteem is in the crapper right now, so to be honest finding something that I like about myself is a hard question. Let’s say my hands today. I like that I can keep longer fingernails and I don’t have “fat hand syndrome” that would make my hands look round and chubby even though the rest of me is fat.

 

–lunaKM

 

How do you personally support your Master in the aftermath of his other relationships? Do you ever feel any sense of relief that the other relationship has ended, or is it mainly sadness for him that it didn’t work out?

I support him the same way I’d support any close friend or family going through a breakup. I do have a sense of relief that the other (recent) relationship ended, but not because I didn’t want them in the relationship, but because the relationship had turned toxic.

 

I read once that you expressed a desire to be ‘special’ being the primary partner, while your master disagreed and felt it wasn’t necessary for you to hold any higher position relationship-wise over the others, and that he saw you all as equals. I may have stated that wrong, apologies if I did. But on that note, do you personally feel that being designated as ‘special’, and holding a higher emotional priority for your master would make it easier for you to cope with poly?

Yes, I do feel that if I were designated special, higher ranking, whatever, that I’d cope with KM’s need to be poly a lot better than I do. But since that’s not the way he thinks of relationships, there’s no reason for me to dwell on it.

 

Finally, speaking as one Scorpio to another, do you feel that jealousy is a major problem for you when it comes to poly?

I’m not jealous of him all the time, but jealousy does come up. I think that’s normal and leads to some extra conversations and maybe some scheduled “just the two of us” time. My major problem is that I’m so far in a monogamous brain that I can’t understand a lot of what makes him tick as a poly person. He’s explained it to me so many times and I still can’t grasp the concepts well.

 

Thank you for the questions.

–lunaKM

Diary 2-2-17

I’m feeling pretty down right now. I’m not sure why so I thought I’d just write and see if I can sort out why I’m feeling a bit depressed. I mean really there are things that could be bringing me down, but I wasn’t this down today, it’s just this evening. The things I normally like to do in the evening are just not holding my attention.

Master has been slowly picking up after his breakup although he has a long way to go before he’ll even appear to be somewhat normal. I’ve been doing my best to give him room to process and be emotional. I’ve found some little things to get his mood up a bit and tried very hard not to throw my mood onto him. All in all, it’s been a really hard week and some.

And here I am not even really wanting to write here. This distraction isn’t holding me either. I suppose I should go find something else. Sigh.

–lunaKM

 

Diary 1-25-19

Today has been a difficult day. And not really in the healthy living department, that’s going alright. But emotionally things are really strained here. Master and I are so disconnected and I have a lot of internal work to get my head into the place it needs to be before changes will be obvious to him. So, right now, he and I are in a state of depression, fear that the end of the relationship is the only solution and a doubt that I’ll be able to make the changes that need to happen.

Add on to that, Master’s relationship with kiva is equally tenuous and he’s shattered. It’s hard to see him looking so pained and to know that I’m partly the cause of it.

I will fight tooth and nail to repair the relationship and to bring things back to where they should be. My love for Master hasn’t waivered and he says he still loves me. Love is not always enough, though – so I need to really push through. I have to do this all on my own right now as our budget can’t afford therapy even on a sliding scale (trust me, I’ve looked it up. We don’t qualify for free therapy but our budget is too tight to pay anything atm). I’m looking up self-help books on kindle and resources on websites to help me figure out the right questions to ask myself to get to the answers that I need to solve. That sort of thing. Self-therapy I guess. It’s a lot of writing, thinking and emotional upheaval. And it’s exhausting.

But on to my healthy eating and exercise for this week so far. I’ve done great with food choices and calorie goals. My activity goal for this week was to get 5000 steps every day. That’s a double of what I normally do in my sedentary existence. I think it’s a good start. Monday and Tuesday I got over 4000 so that’s good.  I’m almost at 4000 right now (6pm) so I think I can get to my goal or close to it. Once I can hold at 5000 for a few days I’ll work to boost it again.

Since I didn’t exercise or watch my food last week I am up 2 lbs. So, hopefully, next week I’ll have dropped that again. But then again, maybe I won’t. I have had massively horrible cramps the past 2 days which only means one thing. Water weight. I suppose we’ll see what Monday brings.

My bullet journal pages for this week have bene pretty busy. I think I’ve got a lot accomplished and it feels so satisfying to have so many things checked off. The housework is also getting done and Master is noticing that at least.

–lunaKM

 

Here are last week’s bullet journal pages. Click thumbnail for larger view.

–lunaKM

Diary 1-19-17

Personal introspection is hard on my mental state and physically I’m exhausted. I’ve spent a lot of time writing in my private journal about my issues and some rough ideas how to work on them.  It’s going to be slow but progress must be made. I’m still really beating myself up for how I’ve treated Master and how bad things have become. I can only hope, that over time, it shows that I’m working hard to get back to the “me” I should be and not the one I’ve become.

And if anyone tells you that you can’t change, don’t believe them.

I’ve decided I’m going to go on a hiatus with Submissive Guide starting in March. My writers will keep going, but I’ll suspend writing all new content until I feel a bit better.

Back to healthy eating and weight loss next week. I’ve not really been on the top of my game this week. I’ve not even been tracking my food in the food log. So, went to the store today and got some things to help get me back to what I need to be going. Exercise might have to wait until the bladder issues are gone.

In the meantime, I have a sore throat and heavy chest as well as a UTI. I can’t get to a Dr right now, so I’m having to treat symptoms and try to fight it myself. UTI’s suck.

–lunaKM

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