Life

The bulk of my thoughts go here. Life, something you can’t avoid.

I can’t stop thinking of him as Master. He’s been Master for over a decade and my goal is to eventually wear his collar again. So in the interim, I can’t call him Master but in my heart, I still say it, think it and believe it. While he no longer gives me directions, I still love every request he makes of me. If I can’t call myself his slave, then I will adapt and use what I can to be the best damned submissive wife ever.

It’s been awhile. Things aren’t as painful but I still find myself crying in the dark, wondering how and why I changed so much and just what I can do to make things right again. It’s quite clear I’ve changed in ways that are toxic to him and to me. I’ve spent the last month reflecting on them, trying to figure out the underlying cause so that I can change yet again. Hopefully, this time, in a more positive, healthy direction.

It’s not easy to see what you want in the distance and know there’s a canyon in between you. And you have to build your own bridge to span it. How do you start? What risks will you take? Just how long will what you want, wait for you on the other side?

–lunaKM

I…

He asked for his collar back. I don’t know how to be now.

Striving to be a “low maintenance” slave is an admirable goal, and one way to achieve this goal is to minimize the number of complaints you make to your Owner. Keep in mind, however, that some concerns are legitimate and need to be addressed as soon as possible. A good rule of thumb to follow is to ask yourself, “Will this bother me tomorrow?” If the answer is no, then you should let it drop. If the answer is yes, then you have an obligation to discuss the situation with your Owner rather than harbor a resentment that will create a barrier to the trust you have built together.  — Where I am Led by Christina Parker

I spent years resenting Master for something he said to be. It was a truth that I wasn’t ready to face and was really hurt when he said it. This is really hard to talk about because now that I know how much of a horrible human being I was to the man I love I feel humiliated, embarrassed and sad. Our relationship is still on tenderhooks but I do hope, genuinely, that I can repair the damage I did to our relationship.

What did he say? He said that I was getting too fat for him to find me sexually desirable.  Let’s face it, I had gained far too much weight and am still struggling with it. How much is too much? When Master met me I weighed around 255lbs. When he said that I weighed 340 lbs. I don’t know why I thought that gaining that much weight would be okay? He was being honest with me. Instead of taking the statement and doing something about it, I let it fester. In that festering, I gained more weight. Today I weigh just under 360.

I didn’t bring my issues with Master about what he said to him. Instead, I lashed out at him. I began being really unsubmissive, nonwifey. I became more passive aggressive, I argued about everything, refused to submit for stupid reasons. Our relationship turned toxic and I blamed Master’s other relationships as the only cause.  Yet I am to blame for a large part of where we are currently.

I have done a lot of journaling privately about how I feel and why I did what I did. I’ve apologized several times to Master. He’s working through his own emotions so eventually I think he’ll be ready to consider repairing our relationship and learning to trust me again. Until then, I just have to show him that I can be the person he fell in love with and chose to make his wife. And it’s important to me to do anything I can to change who I need to be and re-embrace the submissive mindset that brings about so much joy in me.

–lunaKM

There is a strong power that can be gained through surrender. It is not a power that comes from manipulation or passive-aggressive control over another person. Instead, it is a peaceful, internal power that fills the heart and soul of the slave who recognizes the pleasure that quiet obedience gives to an Owner.— Where I am Led by Christina Parker

One of the things I carried into this relationship as baggage was a passive-aggressive attitude. And to be honest, it has been one of the largest issues between Master and me. Being passive-aggressive is how I grew up. My family is very PA, and I learned from an early age that it was a good defense against things that didn’t work my way. Anyone can tell you that it’s really hard to learn new behaviors and I’ve not made a lot of progress since asking for Master’s help in recognizing when I’m being passive aggressive. See, I didn’t even know what it looked like to know I was doing it.  So for awhile he’d just stop me and tell me I’m being passive aggressive. I’d apologize and try to reword what I was saying so that it didn’t wind up being hurtful.

I’m a long way away from being better at it, but I’m learning. That quiet obedience that the prompt mentions? It’s been so very very long since I felt it. I’m constantly pushing against him and I can’t figure out why. I feel best when I submit to him, so for one reason or another, I need to push myself to relax and embrace that good feeling I need so badly.

I’ve also caused him to distrust what I say and to question every statement as if it has an alternate meaning. Which means that if I just want to express my feelings, he thinks it’s a stab at something he’s failed to do or something he has to fix, etc. So, talking to him is a challenge and I may have to learn a new way to present my feelings until he can trust me again and understand what I’m saying doesn’t have a secret stabby meaning to it.

I want to feel good about my submission to Master. I want to embrace the power that is surrender and I desire to reconnect with him on a scale we’ve not been in so very long. I still feel so lost and unsure which direction we need to go, but I do know I’ve not given up on us and I don’t think he has either. He’s just coming from a different place than I am. Once we are on an equal level we’ll figure it out.

–lunaKM

 

 

Assumptions

A common mistake made by many slaves is the assumption that giving up control also means giving up responsibility. No matter what the situation, a slave shares equal responsibility for any consequences – either good or bad – that occur as a result of consensual activities. — Where I am Led by Christina Parker

When I first started my journey in submission, I really did believe that becoming submissive I would be able to surrender my responsibilities and let someone else make these decisions for me. I still hear that idea talked about in submissive forums I’m in. “Being submissive means I don’t have to make decisions.” “Being a slave means someone else does all the adulting.” And it makes some sense. Submissives submit to their Dominant’s wishes and often that means surrendering some decision making. But in all of these cases, I’ve seen submissives also give up responsibility for what happens when you do that.

But this isn’t about other submissives, this is about how I am responding to the prompt. I admit that I’ve let the idea of being submissive get too sloppy and I’ve gotten lazy. Being submissive is an active role in a D/s relationship and I’ve let that slip. It’s a large part of why KnyghtMare and I are having issues now and I’ve finally accepted the consequences of my role in the state of the relationship. We are around rock bottom and still clinging to each other in hopes of recovering what we had.

I’ve done a lot of writing and mental work to try and correct my thought processes and I feel I’ve made some progress. I’m not proud of what I’ve done to KnyghtMare. I’ve spent years resenting something he said to me that was the truth, but nonetheless, I let it eat away at me instead of doing anything about it. Well, now I need to face the fact that a lot of the misery that KnyghtMare is currently in is my fault and it will take time and my correcting my behavior to make it work right.

What am I doing? I’m proving to KnyghtMare that I can be the slave he needs and wants in his life. I’m showing him that the woman he loved and married is still in here somewhere and I’m serious about making amends. I hope, one day, he’ll see these changes. He’s still a broken man after the breakup with Kiva. Love is a hard thing to reconcile when it’s over. I don’t care who you are, it takes time to learn how to move on.

This is still the start of our recovery.

–lunaKM

 

I know that you have a poly relationship, but what would you do if your master cheated on you? And what is considered cheating in a poly relationship?

I consider cheating a relationship ending event so I would leave him.  History with him or not, he knows that if he cheats I’m not sticking around.

Cheating, whether poly is involved or not, is having a secret intimate relationship. Poly is all about being open and trusting of your partner to have multiple intimate relationships. If you cheat, you’ve removed the openness and the trust. This Poly Weekly from 2008 is a one person’s opinion on what cheating is. You might enjoy it.

–lunaKM

Over the years, you’ve shared your money woes on your blog. Have you explored the idea of getting a job outside of the home?

Yup, I’ve explored the idea multiple times. But I think what many people who read here don’t realize is that I have a job. I work from home, but the Kink Network Sites that I manage are a job. I run them as a business. I make money from them and plan to make enough for a part time wage (or more) I’m half way to that goal right now. If we didn’t have Kink Network income we’d be far worse off than we were during Master’s unemployment.

If I took on another job outside the home that would impact the income I’m currently getting from running Kink Network sites. There are other challenges to overcome in getting a job outside the home that anyone who is flat broke can understand. I’ve not had a job outside the home for 10 years. My application/resume would reflect that. I was fired from my last job for sexual harassment (I shared FetLife with someone who said they were kinky… apparently not). The job would require a uniform… clothing I can not afford to purchase. We didn’t have gas money or lunch money for the longest time so getting to work and eating were challenges I’d rather not share with a potential employer.

Oh and let’s not forget that I’m Master’s slave. He makes the decisions around here. And he says, no outside job. I provide for him and my job is to take care of him and his home. The struggle is temporary and then we’ll be back on top again. It’s almost here. His work has got projects lined up and things are shaping up.  We see a better future.

–lunaKM

I am wondering how you deal with such a public breakup and, frankly, watching your master melt down in public forums. I’m also in a poly relationship and have been on both sides of breakups, and though most of them have gone great, I ended up ultimately leaving the one partner of mine who displayed similar behavior, as I lost a lot of respect for him as a dominant and was upset that he allowed other relationships to negatively impact me so much. While I appreciate that everyone needs time to heal and that doms aren’t made of ice, watching my partner ooze self pity and anger like a sixteen year old while obsessing over another man was too much for me. I wonder, watching you deal so gracefully, what skills you employ in your relationship that I did not have.

 

Express himself in public…. you mean like I do on this very public blog; airing dirty laundry and all the crap that goes on in my life on here? You mean he’s not allowed to do that in his own public place on FetLife? Say it isn’t so!

It’s not a matter of grace at all. I’m glad he has an outlet that appears to be working for him. My blog used to do that too until I got tired of all the negativity in my comments section. He’s not just melting down on public forums, he’s a basketcase some days here at home. I take care of him the best way I know how; I support him and love him and make sure he feels cared for.

D/s has nothing to do with how people handle the end of relationships where they felt very deeply for someone. We all process grief in our own way. I’m not going to lose my respect for him if he needs to talk things out online, play a ton of first-person shooters, or spend hours in his room crying. It’s how he’s learning to deal with his new reality. My duty as his wife is to make sure he knows I’m there for him, whatever he might need.

–lunaKM

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