Category Archives: Role Dynamics
Pride in the Pain
This weekend was a good one. Friday I asked Master if we could play; it had been such a long time. I told him what I was seeking as far as goals for play and he happily accepted the challenge.
We used the new breast vice, I asked for marks and to use a blindfold during the session. I took a lot of delicious pain. It was one of the best play sessions we have ever had.
I’m still dropping a bit from it. Today I asked Master for a little pick me up spanking to help me recover a bit. It did help and I was very happy to be able to connect what I needed with what I was feeling.
Master and froggy are connecting even stronger. I feel a sense of pride in Master, knowing that he is helping another submissive correct her happiness and joy in serving. I feel a connection with froggy as well. It is good for us that she is in our lives.
Master helped me pick out a new purse yesterday. I’m quite happy with it. I’m more happy with the time with Master that I get when it’s not spontaneous just hanging around the house. We went out to lunch too and I think he would have gone to a movie too if there was one we wanted to see.
I have a lot to try and accomplish this week. A lot of writing and research and preparation. I also hope to get some housework done. I have the submissive forum on Wednesday and froggy is coming up this weekend.
–lunaKM
Good Times
Wednesday was a busy day for us. We got up early and drove to Iowa City to see froggy. Master had a lot of new toys he wanted to try out that are things I can’t handle. It was also meant to be an intense play session for them. The drive is always the hardest part – it’s 2.5 hours each way.
While they were playing I was at Panera getting a lot of Submissive Guide and CIPEX work done. I’m pretty proud of all the work I accomplished actually. When Master called to ask if I wanted dinner, and why wouldn’t I, they came to pick me up and we went to a steakhouse.
The conversation was great the whole time. froggy asked me questions about how I feel about their relationship and what’s going on and I alleviated a lot of her fears I think. I’m really okay with it. The limits that I have asked Master to abide by are being respected and that makes me feel good about their relationship. I also know that Master considers me priority number one so if I had a problem he’d respect the relationship we have and not overstep boundaries.
He’s so wonderful about that. We both never considered that a poly sort of relationship would develop but while it has conditions to it, there is no doubt that Master has an intimate connection with froggy and I enjoy being around her.
Now, on to my diet change, which has been very positive. I’m not fighting it as hard as I thought I would and I know that cravings will get me but I will have to overcome them. My digestive system hasn’t been this quiet and normal in years and I’m so thankful for that. It’s been a full week of no wheat products. I have to keep going because now I have no choice – I know it’s making me feel better. The low carb diet has been adjusted to allow some other carbs like occasional potatoes and rice since pasta, bread and wheat gluten products are no longer an option.
Thankfully the explosion of gluten free living as a fad diet has provided a lot of foods that I can explore like brown rice pasta, gluten free baking mix for pancakes, waffles, cakes and more and so many other things. I don’t see them as being staples to my diet any more than bread was in my low carb diet but they will be nice treats.
I’m making Master banana bread today. He loves the stuff. I’m okay with it and now well, it’s just for him 
Things are going well on the sex front and we are planning to play tonight! There might even finally be some anal sex. I can’t wait!
28
Happy Birthday Master! With each and every day that passes I can’t help but think I am one of the luckiest persons alive. You show me each and everyday how much love you have for me and I adore you more and more.
It’s no small feat to say that the words, “I love you” just don’t feel like enough. I know I’ve told you countless times that if there were words that meant more than that I’d use them. I’d scream them from the rooftops so that everyone would know of my devotion to you.
I only hope that your birthday marks the beginning of another wonderful year in your arms, the strength and calm they bring to me and the comfort of your embrace are more than I could ever hope for.
I love you Master. I wish you the best on this, your 28th birthday.
–lunaKM
We were so young then
Master,
I don’t think I ever looked into the future 7 years ago when you walked off that plane to meet me. I don’t think I wanted to wonder what it would be like for me 7 years from then. Perhaps I was terrified that the risks we were taking would be for nothing.
But if I had known that I would meet the most loving, compassionate and powerfully dominant man that night I think I would have had our future planned from day 1. I’m so happy you took a huge chance with me and that it was worth it.
All the struggles and trials we’ve been through we’ve survived together. I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. Because the beautiful moments have been so powerful, and your love radiates like the sun around me I don’t think I ever remember the shadows.
And even now that you’ve chosen me for your wife I still am in awe of the most wonderful man in my life. I hope you never change.
I love you. Happy 7 Years of letting me be with you. I hope for many many more.
–lunaKM
Taken 2 weeks after he crossed an ocean to be with me
Rub My Nose In It
Yesterday since my period was over, Master and I had some fantastic sex. I was so horny and my clit throbbed without release. When he told me I’d be waiting for my orgasm I was quite frustrated. It had been over a week since my last orgasm but knowing that sometimes after a huge climax my sex drive plummets he wanted to use me a few more times before I got mine.
Finally at 3:30pm today he came for me, but by then I was beyond frustrated. He was ready to fuck me, but when he reached for my pussy I told him that if I wasn’t going to be able to come that it was going to be bad. He sat down at the edge of the bed and began playing with my clit and I focused on what I was feeling. I had decided I wasn’t going to give him the pleasure of seeing me writhe and squirm at his touch. I was just going to let the orgasm was over me without moving. And it was going fine. Then, since I wasn’t pleasing him he stopped, left the room and said I was to just do it myself.
I did in about 30 seconds. But since he wasn’t in the room, he didn’t believe me and ordered me to do it again. 30 more seconds later I had a second. Both of which were mediocre at best. I had made him made at me. He called me a whiny bitch.
Things went upside down after that. I went back to what I was doing and he went back to what he was doing. Not 10 mins go by when he comes out into the living room with a whip and a hard cock and orders me to stop what I’m doing. I think he’s still mad at me and wants to punish me.
There’s no need to detail what happened, but I broke down when his fat dick was pushing its way into my ass and he stopped. He had not come to me with any anger or idea of punishment. He just wanted to start over and have some fun after all. I had interpreted it all wrong.
You see, I find it hard to comprehend that people don’t carry their anger for a long time and then want to pay it back. It’s how I was raised I guess. I know that he would never use sex to punish me, but there’s a unconscious response and I think that took over as soon as I saw him. I felt that I deserved to be punished and I was going to get through whatever it was that he wanted to do to punish me. Thankfully he saw that and stopped.
I had a good cry and we talked about what happened. Things are okay now that we are on the same page. I don’t know how I am going to correct my behavior but I have to start seeing that he isn’t the same as all the other men in my life.
And we need to play more so that I can read his body better. I’m terrible at it. Maybe I’ll get a chance to atone soon.
Now, on to other things…
I went to the gym today after a whole week of not going and weighed in 3 lbs up from last week. Not surprised. I didn’t watch my eating that well last week either. I’ll have to get back on it this week if I want to reach my goal by the end of the year. I feel better when I’m eating lower carb so I really should be following it. (Of course, snacking on 8 oz of Beef Jerky is going to bite me in the ass for the food log.)
Chores have been slacking too. When I’m done with this post I’m going to get up and get some done and tomorrow I promised Master I’d be better at getting them done in the morning like I have scheduled. It really shouldn’t be hard for me to get everything done like I’m supposed to.
Writing has been slow for subguide too. I feel behind even though I’m not yet. That’s likely because the contributors I have aren’t submitting any posts and haven’t for months. I’m going to have to make some hard decisions soon. And look for more guest posts elsewhere. My writing has to improve too if I want to get any other projects done.
There’s so much I’m slacking on right now. I’m not even going to list my training until I get my head back in the game.
Sometimes a submissive takes more than 2 steps back. I’m going to be crawling my way back up.
–lunaKM
Evil Bastard Play
Master played yesterday, although not with me. He’s got a masochistic bottom that he can be evil with in ways that I can’t process. This is the second time that he’s played with her and probably not the last. It appears to be working out well between them, and between Master and I. It’s a new experience for Master to let the evil bastard out.
Since he’s picked up someone else to beat on the edge as he calls it doesn’t creep into our play, inhibiting his ability to play with me the way I need and want. It could be a blossoming of our relationship if he’s able to express his play in more than the one way. He won’t be as limited and the evil bastard inside that I just can’t handle has somewhere to go as well.
The reason I can’t handle the bastard are quite simple really. I love Master and I know he loves me, but I just can’t process the emotions that his evil side brings out. I can’t accept it as play. You might recall a few months ago where we had a scene and one of the things is he spit on me. It just hit a nerve and I was stuck on the way I felt for days. I couldn’t get past it and realize it was just play and that Master still loves me more than I can probably fathom and his evil bastard ways are just part of him.
He’s accepted that I can’t process a lot of his mean, evil desires and that’s where his new play bottom comes in.
I still like to play, but admittedly my play is more tame and less raw emotion I guess. We still love it and feed off of each other during our play time. There’s something spiritual to me about our play, like two souls that dance in perfect harmony through pain and pleasure. Even something as simple as a spanking binds me to him just a bit more. It’s hard for me to imagine my world without him in it.
–lunaKM
Intimate Moments
Tonight Master and I reconnected with a little light spanking. It was nice and intimate and got me to my happy place for awhile. I think it was just what we both needed today. I’m already feeling the after effects (sleepiness and hunger) so this will likely be a short post.
No matter where we are in our D/s journey it is definitely based on a solid foundation of love. I know I can go anywhere with him and he and I can grow and change and be who we want to be with each other. I love him so very much.
Part of our recovery plan is that he wants me to write an essay for him about why I submit and what I want to get out of it. I’ve done this for him before years ago so I looked it up to see what I said then. I was stunned to read the reasons and not feel that they are the same now. But I can’t think of what my reasons would be. I talked with Rayne about this and told her that ‘because I love him’ doesn’t feel like enough. She agreed that for me it likely wouldn’t be.
I have to also write about why I’m afraid to call myself a slave and what I think would change if we moved to M/s. Again, talking to Rayne and Master helped me see that my personal definition of slave is really strict and he’s not expecting what I think it means out of me. So, I have to redefine a term I thought I understood, again.
A lot to think about and a lot to do to make things work for us as we shift yet again.
–lunaKM
You've Probably Been Wondering…
…why I have written the past few posts as password-protected.
As with everything I write here, it’s for Master first and anyone else who reads second. Well, we’ve hit a rough patch lately and instead of sharing all of the raw emotions with everyone and the internet, I locked them to his eyes only. I’m sure you can understand.
The trouble we’ve been having is directly related to my resistance with my submission lately. I’ve been questioning everything and testing every single boundary he has placed on me. We’ll he had had enough. We even discussed taking a break from D/s and come back to it. I think in the end, our decision to remain D/s was a smarter one.
He’s changed up his training style. I’m not sure how I’m reacting to it, but things are getting done and I’m not getting pissy so that’s a start. Our sex life is slower to come back from the brink; it will come though. It’s amazing how exhausted you can get when stress and emotional turmoil are ruling the day.
So, that’s what’s going on, in vague terms. I’ll probably not get really into it because it’s still raw and emotional. Trust me, all submissives struggle at times and I’m no different. This doesn’t make me a bad submissive, Master has said so in the past. I would be a bad submissive if I chose not to change or was not willing to correct my issues. Thankfully, I’m always willing to work problems out.
This week I was able to purchase a few more things for the elopement. I got a lovely hair piece from Etsy.com that looks light and feminine. I purchased a gold edged ivory shawl as well that has some floral embroidery on it. I still need shoes that I love and some simple jewelry. Then flowers, if I decide to have flowers at all. I picked up our wedding bands from the jeweler too. We both put them on and held hands for a bit.
I believe they don’t have symbolism till we say our vows over them, but Master says that’s just silly talk. Oh well. That will happen soon enough.
I'm Just Not
Today I put on my jeans, just as I normally do and felt that I had lost weight. It’s hard to really know without a scale, but I felt good about myself all morning. Then I realized that I had put on the jeans that are too big to begin with and it set me to questioning. It’s too early to know if the resurgence of exercise has helped my metabolism or that I’ve lost any inches anywhere to notice.
With my bum knee still giving me trouble even knowing if going up and down the stairs with less effort is thwarted. I have to climb and descend carefully so that I don’t aggravate it to the point of not being able to exercise at all. When I start listening to my body I know that I’m not physically healthy. I look in the mirror and just can’t stand the way I look right now. So much of what I could identify as being a feminine curve is now gone; replaced with excess fat and skin. I’m just not sexy right now.
I’ve stopped taking the medication that was helping me sleep. I’m afraid that I’ve become dependent on it and that it might be countering the effects of exercise on my system. I’m not really feeling restless at night but I am noticing I’m waking up to roll over or move positions where I don’t recall doing before. I doubt that anything has changed; someone my size almost always has to wake up to shift positions but perhaps the medication was causing me to forget those moments at night.
I didn’t need a nap today which is a good sign but as I sit here tonight I’m tired. Master has imposed a 9pm bedtime. Which means I’ll be up around 5am. It’s funny how with an alarm set I sleep till it goes off, no matter what it’s set for, but if I go by my body clock I’m up by 7am or 9 hours of sleep (whichever comes first) most days. I’m a morning person and do get a lot more done before Master gets up and I plan on using that to my advantage.
I used to think I couldn’t do any chores while he was asleep but now I realize the only thing I can’t do is vacuum and that’s no issue at all really. This morning I did some writing since my head was focused and clear. I need more mornings like this morning and I’ll feel so much more productive.
Master’s weekend in the middle of the week is over tomorrow and he’s back to work. He had a working day off today; he’s been plugging away at the new Submissive Guide site and community. There’s a lot of coding to be done and my job is to write and continue writing as much as possible so that I can be ready for the open whenever that will be. I’m shooting for mid-summer. He can’t put a deadline on his work yet though. I’ll keep watching the progress hopefully.
My mind is recently thinking about the future. The future of us, of our business, of paid of debts, and getting the taxes wrangled. I dream of new homes and adventures, active in the local scene, enjoying life and feeling pure bliss. Days like this bring out one of two moods. One of happy reflection for the future, or one of fear and sadness for the struggles I know we have yet to get through. I’m not sure which one I’m in right now. I think I’m sitting on the fence.
The sex kitten that Master is looking for is hiding. I’m trying desperately to show him that I want sex and I want him but I can’t fake it. I can’t lie to him. Sex sounds good, but not worth seeking out (if that makes any sense).
Well, I’ve rambled on long enough.
–lunaKM