Mr J asks: Looking for creative, non-corporal corrective measures for ensuring obedience in terms of exercises and assignments. What is there beyond the well-known repertoire of lines, cornertime, grounding?

The question I have is why do you need so many different punishment methods? As a submissive, once one thing works I’d prefer you stick with it. If you know I absolutely hate to have my computer time taken away then that will work for any wrong doing that you consider to need non-corporal punishment.

If you want to do punishment fits the crime you can be creative. If it’s back talking, then don’t let them talk for a time. If it’s neglecting to do a task, then make them do without something they enjoy (or the reason they neglected to do the task). It’s all about correcting behavior so you don’t want the submissive to feel like they are never going to improve. Make it something that works and stick with it.

Just my thoughts.

trazure asked me: “How do you handle the conflict of needing and wanting pain when a Master wont give it because he’s fearful of his own reaction to the enjoyment of your hurt?”

trazure,

Just as submissives and bottoms have to come to terms with the idea of enjoying pain, Dominants and Tops have to realize that it’s okay to enjoy giving it. I’d recommend that the Dominant talk to a few more experienced Tops, perhaps join a group so that he can get some mentoring and advice to help with his own fears. You might also like to read ‘The Loving Dominant“. It talks about SM play and the thoughts from the Dominant perspective as well as the submissive side.

As far as you handling the conflict, there isn’t much you can do. You can ask if you can play with someone else at a party or invite a friend over to take care of your need. You can self inflict some pain to take the edge off. You can help him reach a place he’s comfortable and do a little bit of pain play at a time; a small spanking, just using nipple clamps, scratching, etc. Incorporate it into your lovemaking and he might respond a bit better to it.

Best of luck-

luna

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This is a question for March Question Month. If you have a personal question to ask me, please head on over the that post and ask!

Leatherstrap asks me:

I played with a lady tonite who set out very clearly that she wanted to play rough – in fact she wanted to be brought to tears – She had a safe word which she didnt call but as the session went on it became apparent that she wasnt well – I stopped of course but she had had quite some paddling by then – Thing is she then felt nauseous and dizzy and threw up – took her a while to come right when she promptly felt embarrassed and a failure – I reassured her that she was certainly not a failure but even tho she didnt call her safe word I worry that I went too far – Question is can you explain why she might throw up like that and what was going on for her – she is fine the next day and wanting to do it again -

Leatherstrap,

Thank you for the question. Kudos to you! You did the right thing by stopping the play. Even if she didn’t safeword, your awareness of what was happening was paramount. Technically her body was giving off signs of her safeword even if she emotionally or mentally did not want to stop.

It sounds like your lady friend may have had an episode of low blood sugar. You can read about nondiabetic hypoglycemia at WebMD. It can happen when you haven’t had enough to eat or drink before a session. Encourage her to eat right and get enough to drink at least 30 minutes before playing. You can keep sports drinks on hand during play to make sure the bottom (not that bottom) is hydrated and well. No one should continue playing when suddenly feeling ill, it is a sign of distress.

To aid someone suffering from a bout of low blood sugar make sure you keep simple sugars on hand, orange juice is a good suggestion. If not treated, the person could go into shock or become unconscious. Not exactly a good choice of play options, don’t you agree?

It’s hard to know if you had gone too far or not since her physical illness kept you from finding that line. Thankfully you stopped play before it became dangerous or life-threatening for her.

People can come by and ask me questions about anything and I’ll try to answer them honestly and as best I can. I don’t consider myself an expert at all but I do have a pretty good grasp of some things. Here’s a question that was asked awhile back and my response.

I’m so glad I found your site. I am a large woman, about 275, who started exploring but has not yet experienced a D/s relationship. I think I’ve resolved much of my conflict about my sexuality, but I’ve some lingering issues to deal with from the last time I was thinner. I lost 90 pounds about ten years ago which I kept off for a few years. I also attracted the attention of a man who up until 3 years ago, was stalking me, I’ve had to kind of go under the radar so he doesn’t know where I am. I’ve always struggled with weight and every time I have gotten thin, I have gained it back, always as a result of my feelings about my sexuality. The more male attention I receive, the more likely I was to engage in sexual behavior that I felt guilty about. I had posted an ad a few months ago looking for someone to use corrective discipline on me as motivation for weightloss. Initially I was thinking about heavy spanking but as I started to read about the D/s lifestyle the more the lifestyle itself seemed a real fit for me, apart from the weightloss issue. I understood intuitively that TPE could result in a profound level of intimacy, which is something that I have always desired but never really had. I’ve had an online relationship with an older Dom for the last few weeks, and I’ve been amazed at the deep level of caring he has shown. We spend 2 – 3 hours a day chatting online and write each other great letters. We are intellectually compatible and he makes me laugh like crazy. He knows about my issues with weight and about the man who has harassed me. I know the day is coming soon, when we’ll become intimate, and bring this to the next level. But frankly the idea of spending a lot of time naked and exposed terrifies me, especially if a lot of crawling is involved, which I think he will ask of me. How do you deal with your discomfort over your body with your partner? Part of me says to just trust him to take the lead on this matter, but I’m not sure. Any thoughts you can share. Thank you.

mms,

Congrats on your new budding relationship and I wish you the best of luck with your Dom.

Being overweight is a concern with any relationship especially if you are uncomfortable with yourself. I’ve been dealing with my weight problem ever since I was little. I was so paranoid about what my Master would think of me when I finally took off all my clothing in his presence. The result of it was not only positive, it was very body image boosting. He finds my body beautiful and has no problem telling and showing me so.

Now what I see from your question is that you think you will be spending a lot of time naked and crawling around. I do have to ask if this has been discussed by him and you have, perhaps, discussed the impact on your knees from so much crawling and kneeling. Have you talked about your discomfort with him?

I’m very comfortable with my naked body when I’m around my Master and I’ve gotten better around others. I’m an exhibitionist and I enjoy exposing myself even a little bit.

Has your Dom said that he likes larger women or has he insisted that you will be losing weight because he doesn’t like your body type? I would be concerned if he says he doesn’t like large women; but if the weight loss is to bring you to a more healthy existence then that makes sense.

I do have my own discomforts about my size. I have issues reaching my own pussy and so it’s not a sexy reach when he asks me to touch myself. I don’t like the look of my large stomach hanging down when I’m on my knees and rope tying I just choose not to think about it. The importance here is that my Master loves the way I look and that confidence booster is what keeps me going.

So, how do I deal with my discomfort? I allow my devotion to Master govern my feelings. My reason is to please Master and if he loves the way I look naked then I should not allow it to bother me. It’s taken years.

Trust your Dom. He knows how to lead you through your fears and hang ups about your weight. Your body is beautiful; let him show you just how beautiful it is.

I’m so speechless! I got a wonderful thank you letter in my email this morning that had me feeling so very special. I’d like to share it with everyone and tell the person that sent it, “I’m honored, thank you.”

I came across your site trying to find answers to how I should be for and around my Master. I want you to know the simple things and thoughts you have shared has helped me more than any book or chat room I have been to. So I just wanted to say thank you.

–luna

OK folks! No one told me one way or another whether my sidebar was cluttered so…

I have made a blogroll page on this blog so that the sidebar can be a bit more clear and so that I can add all of my LiveJournal friends to my list! So, come on over, ask to have your blog added and join the fun The honored guests on my sidebar have a link to my Iron Gate blog on their blog sidebar or bloglist page. I have also kept the Newly Discovered blogs in the sidebar.

–luna