I went to a munch this weekend. It was tough. The first social outing with people who understand what wearing a collar (or not) means. While the people there I didn’t know, it still was very challenging for me. I sat silent the whole night, trying not to cry, telling myself that I shouldn’t break down and that I shouldn’t have such a hard time around people. KM wanted to be more social, but I acted so hurt when he said he wanted to move where the conversation was that he didn’t move and hated that he felt stuck. We didn’t talk about it until afterward, but it was clear that we were thinking different things about what the other was doing.
I’m going to wait a bit more before I go to another kink-related event. I thought I was ready, but it’s clear I wasn’t.
Here at home things are stagnant. I’m doing a lot of reading in the mornings. I have a few self-help books to try to reclaim what I want as my life and my happiness, to release the weight of everything negative in my life and try to really breathe stress-free again.
As far as finding submission, I haven’t. I’m still really trying to figure out where I went, let alone the “me” that is submissive. So much is in pieces that getting through the day can be hard. KM, bless him, is so patient and loving. He shows me everyday that he loves me and needs me and wants to be around me. He grants me some peace when I asked to make him some coffee or get something for him, things that used to be common things I’d do as his slave that are no longer required of me.
I’ve begun to concern myself with my grooming again. Painting my nails, doing my make up, dressing pretty when I can. It makes me feel good, but it also shows KM that I care about my appearance around him. Something that got really bad for quite a long time.
So, I’m scratching my way out of the pit.