There is a strong power that can be gained through surrender. It is not a power that comes from manipulation or passive-aggressive control over another person. Instead, it is a peaceful, internal power that fills the heart and soul of the slave who recognizes the pleasure that quiet obedience gives to an Owner.— Where I am Led by Christina Parker

One of the things I carried into this relationship as baggage was a passive-aggressive attitude. And to be honest, it has been one of the largest issues between Master and me. Being passive-aggressive is how I grew up. My family is very PA, and I learned from an early age that it was a good defense against things that didn’t work my way. Anyone can tell you that it’s really hard to learn new behaviors and I’ve not made a lot of progress since asking for Master’s help in recognizing when I’m being passive aggressive. See, I didn’t even know what it looked like to know I was doing it.  So for awhile he’d just stop me and tell me I’m being passive aggressive. I’d apologize and try to reword what I was saying so that it didn’t wind up being hurtful.

I’m a long way away from being better at it, but I’m learning. That quiet obedience that the prompt mentions? It’s been so very very long since I felt it. I’m constantly pushing against him and I can’t figure out why. I feel best when I submit to him, so for one reason or another, I need to push myself to relax and embrace that good feeling I need so badly.

I’ve also caused him to distrust what I say and to question every statement as if it has an alternate meaning. Which means that if I just want to express my feelings, he thinks it’s a stab at something he’s failed to do or something he has to fix, etc. So, talking to him is a challenge and I may have to learn a new way to present my feelings until he can trust me again and understand what I’m saying doesn’t have a secret stabby meaning to it.

I want to feel good about my submission to Master. I want to embrace the power that is surrender and I desire to reconnect with him on a scale we’ve not been in so very long. I still feel so lost and unsure which direction we need to go, but I do know I’ve not given up on us and I don’t think he has either. He’s just coming from a different place than I am. Once we are on an equal level we’ll figure it out.

–lunaKM