April 2017

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I…

He asked for his collar back. I don’t know how to be now.

Striving to be a “low maintenance” slave is an admirable goal, and one way to achieve this goal is to minimize the number of complaints you make to your Owner. Keep in mind, however, that some concerns are legitimate and need to be addressed as soon as possible. A good rule of thumb to follow is to ask yourself, “Will this bother me tomorrow?” If the answer is no, then you should let it drop. If the answer is yes, then you have an obligation to discuss the situation with your Owner rather than harbor a resentment that will create a barrier to the trust you have built together.  — Where I am Led by Christina Parker

I spent years resenting Master for something he said to be. It was a truth that I wasn’t ready to face and was really hurt when he said it. This is really hard to talk about because now that I know how much of a horrible human being I was to the man I love I feel humiliated, embarrassed and sad. Our relationship is still on tenderhooks but I do hope, genuinely, that I can repair the damage I did to our relationship.

What did he say? He said that I was getting too fat for him to find me sexually desirable.  Let’s face it, I had gained far too much weight and am still struggling with it. How much is too much? When Master met me I weighed around 255lbs. When he said that I weighed 340 lbs. I don’t know why I thought that gaining that much weight would be okay? He was being honest with me. Instead of taking the statement and doing something about it, I let it fester. In that festering, I gained more weight. Today I weigh just under 360.

I didn’t bring my issues with Master about what he said to him. Instead, I lashed out at him. I began being really unsubmissive, nonwifey. I became more passive aggressive, I argued about everything, refused to submit for stupid reasons. Our relationship turned toxic and I blamed Master’s other relationships as the only cause.  Yet I am to blame for a large part of where we are currently.

I have done a lot of journaling privately about how I feel and why I did what I did. I’ve apologized several times to Master. He’s working through his own emotions so eventually I think he’ll be ready to consider repairing our relationship and learning to trust me again. Until then, I just have to show him that I can be the person he fell in love with and chose to make his wife. And it’s important to me to do anything I can to change who I need to be and re-embrace the submissive mindset that brings about so much joy in me.

–lunaKM

There is a strong power that can be gained through surrender. It is not a power that comes from manipulation or passive-aggressive control over another person. Instead, it is a peaceful, internal power that fills the heart and soul of the slave who recognizes the pleasure that quiet obedience gives to an Owner.— Where I am Led by Christina Parker

One of the things I carried into this relationship as baggage was a passive-aggressive attitude. And to be honest, it has been one of the largest issues between Master and me. Being passive-aggressive is how I grew up. My family is very PA, and I learned from an early age that it was a good defense against things that didn’t work my way. Anyone can tell you that it’s really hard to learn new behaviors and I’ve not made a lot of progress since asking for Master’s help in recognizing when I’m being passive aggressive. See, I didn’t even know what it looked like to know I was doing it.  So for awhile he’d just stop me and tell me I’m being passive aggressive. I’d apologize and try to reword what I was saying so that it didn’t wind up being hurtful.

I’m a long way away from being better at it, but I’m learning. That quiet obedience that the prompt mentions? It’s been so very very long since I felt it. I’m constantly pushing against him and I can’t figure out why. I feel best when I submit to him, so for one reason or another, I need to push myself to relax and embrace that good feeling I need so badly.

I’ve also caused him to distrust what I say and to question every statement as if it has an alternate meaning. Which means that if I just want to express my feelings, he thinks it’s a stab at something he’s failed to do or something he has to fix, etc. So, talking to him is a challenge and I may have to learn a new way to present my feelings until he can trust me again and understand what I’m saying doesn’t have a secret stabby meaning to it.

I want to feel good about my submission to Master. I want to embrace the power that is surrender and I desire to reconnect with him on a scale we’ve not been in so very long. I still feel so lost and unsure which direction we need to go, but I do know I’ve not given up on us and I don’t think he has either. He’s just coming from a different place than I am. Once we are on an equal level we’ll figure it out.

–lunaKM