March 2017

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A common mistake made by many slaves is the assumption that giving up control also means giving up responsibility. No matter what the situation, a slave shares equal responsibility for any consequences – either good or bad – that occur as a result of consensual activities. — Where I am Led by Christina Parker

When I first started my journey in submission, I really did believe that becoming submissive I would be able to surrender my responsibilities and let someone else make these decisions for me. I still hear that idea talked about in submissive forums I’m in. “Being submissive means I don’t have to make decisions.” “Being a slave means someone else does all the adulting.” And it makes some sense. Submissives submit to their Dominant’s wishes and often that means surrendering some decision making. But in all of these cases, I’ve seen submissives also give up responsibility for what happens when you do that.

But this isn’t about other submissives, this is about how I am responding to the prompt. I admit that I’ve let the idea of being submissive get too sloppy and I’ve gotten lazy. Being submissive is an active role in a D/s relationship and I’ve let that slip. It’s a large part of why KnyghtMare and I are having issues now and I’ve finally accepted the consequences of my role in the state of the relationship. We are around rock bottom and still clinging to each other in hopes of recovering what we had.

I’ve done a lot of writing and mental work to try and correct my thought processes and I feel I’ve made some progress. I’m not proud of what I’ve done to KnyghtMare. I’ve spent years resenting something he said to me that was the truth, but nonetheless, I let it eat away at me instead of doing anything about it. Well, now I need to face the fact that a lot of the misery that KnyghtMare is currently in is my fault and it will take time and my correcting my behavior to make it work right.

What am I doing? I’m proving to KnyghtMare that I can be the slave he needs and wants in his life. I’m showing him that the woman he loved and married is still in here somewhere and I’m serious about making amends. I hope, one day, he’ll see these changes. He’s still a broken man after the breakup with Kiva. Love is a hard thing to reconcile when it’s over. I don’t care who you are, it takes time to learn how to move on.

This is still the start of our recovery.



I know that you have a poly relationship, but what would you do if your master cheated on you? And what is considered cheating in a poly relationship?

I consider cheating a relationship ending event so I would leave him.  History with him or not, he knows that if he cheats I’m not sticking around.

Cheating, whether poly is involved or not, is having a secret intimate relationship. Poly is all about being open and trusting of your partner to have multiple intimate relationships. If you cheat, you’ve removed the openness and the trust. This Poly Weekly from 2008 is a one person’s opinion on what cheating is. You might enjoy it.


Over the years, you’ve shared your money woes on your blog. Have you explored the idea of getting a job outside of the home?

Yup, I’ve explored the idea multiple times. But I think what many people who read here don’t realize is that I have a job. I work from home, but the Kink Network Sites that I manage are a job. I run them as a business. I make money from them and plan to make enough for a part time wage (or more) I’m half way to that goal right now. If we didn’t have Kink Network income we’d be far worse off than we were during Master’s unemployment.

If I took on another job outside the home that would impact the income I’m currently getting from running Kink Network sites. There are other challenges to overcome in getting a job outside the home that anyone who is flat broke can understand. I’ve not had a job outside the home for 10 years. My application/resume would reflect that. I was fired from my last job for sexual harassment (I shared FetLife with someone who said they were kinky… apparently not). The job would require a uniform… clothing I can not afford to purchase. We didn’t have gas money or lunch money for the longest time so getting to work and eating were challenges I’d rather not share with a potential employer.

Oh and let’s not forget that I’m Master’s slave. He makes the decisions around here. And he says, no outside job. I provide for him and my job is to take care of him and his home. The struggle is temporary and then we’ll be back on top again. It’s almost here. His work has got projects lined up and things are shaping up.  We see a better future.


I am wondering how you deal with such a public breakup and, frankly, watching your master melt down in public forums. I’m also in a poly relationship and have been on both sides of breakups, and though most of them have gone great, I ended up ultimately leaving the one partner of mine who displayed similar behavior, as I lost a lot of respect for him as a dominant and was upset that he allowed other relationships to negatively impact me so much. While I appreciate that everyone needs time to heal and that doms aren’t made of ice, watching my partner ooze self pity and anger like a sixteen year old while obsessing over another man was too much for me. I wonder, watching you deal so gracefully, what skills you employ in your relationship that I did not have.


Express himself in public…. you mean like I do on this very public blog; airing dirty laundry and all the crap that goes on in my life on here? You mean he’s not allowed to do that in his own public place on FetLife? Say it isn’t so!

It’s not a matter of grace at all. I’m glad he has an outlet that appears to be working for him. My blog used to do that too until I got tired of all the negativity in my comments section. He’s not just melting down on public forums, he’s a basketcase some days here at home. I take care of him the best way I know how; I support him and love him and make sure he feels cared for.

D/s has nothing to do with how people handle the end of relationships where they felt very deeply for someone. We all process grief in our own way. I’m not going to lose my respect for him if he needs to talk things out online, play a ton of first-person shooters, or spend hours in his room crying. It’s how he’s learning to deal with his new reality. My duty as his wife is to make sure he knows I’m there for him, whatever he might need.


Given the rough year that you and your Master have had, would you say that you’re happier today than you were a year ago? Two years ago? Three? Four? Five?

What would you change to make you happier? What could you change?


Currently no. The past 2 years have been hell for us financially but we are finally starting to see a glimmer of positive hope on that front. But relationship wise we are in the crapper big time and it’s been going south for years.

We are both at the lowest we’ve ever been and there are a lot of changes ahead to repair what’s going on. Much of it is my fault, to be honest, so I’m working on things and when we have money I’ll work on things with a therapist too. Until then we exist and take care of each other’s needs as they arise. We are committed to each other, and while a lot of people who read here think we shouldn’t be together, that we are too different, we know the score better than anyone and aren’t going anywhere.

You know, marriage used to be something you worked at, really hard. It’s an old-fashioned thing now to want to make it work and want to put forth the effort. Far too many people have divorce lawyers on speed dial these days.  Master and I have a really deep love for each other and really can’t see spending our lives with anyone else. So, our flaws and difficulties? Get worked through, dammit. It’s what makes us, us. While, I know, right now things are oppressively hard, I know that we can claw our way out of the darkness and step into the light together.

It’s just that important to us.


What you and your Master are looking forward to this year and if your finances have finally turned around?

We aren’t looking forward to much of anything this year. We’ve been so far in the dark tunnel of stress that things just aren’t interesting right now. I suppose you could say we are looking forward to the Marvel movies coming out.

Our finances have not turned around yet, but they are getting better. It’s just too slow for my patience level!


Hi Luna! I’ve been reading your blog for close to a decade! I’ve read about your ups and downs with weight for years now, and I wonder…what do you think is really keeping you from losing weight?

What keeps me from losing weight? I don’t like to exercise. Plain and simple. I hate it, will find anything else to do and every excuse to not do it.


As a second question, what do you like most about yourself?

My self-esteem is in the crapper right now, so to be honest finding something that I like about myself is a hard question. Let’s say my hands today. I like that I can keep longer fingernails and I don’t have “fat hand syndrome” that would make my hands look round and chubby even though the rest of me is fat.




How do you personally support your Master in the aftermath of his other relationships? Do you ever feel any sense of relief that the other relationship has ended, or is it mainly sadness for him that it didn’t work out?

I support him the same way I’d support any close friend or family going through a breakup. I do have a sense of relief that the other (recent) relationship ended, but not because I didn’t want them in the relationship, but because the relationship had turned toxic.


I read once that you expressed a desire to be ‘special’ being the primary partner, while your master disagreed and felt it wasn’t necessary for you to hold any higher position relationship-wise over the others, and that he saw you all as equals. I may have stated that wrong, apologies if I did. But on that note, do you personally feel that being designated as ‘special’, and holding a higher emotional priority for your master would make it easier for you to cope with poly?

Yes, I do feel that if I were designated special, higher ranking, whatever, that I’d cope with KM’s need to be poly a lot better than I do. But since that’s not the way he thinks of relationships, there’s no reason for me to dwell on it.


Finally, speaking as one Scorpio to another, do you feel that jealousy is a major problem for you when it comes to poly?

I’m not jealous of him all the time, but jealousy does come up. I think that’s normal and leads to some extra conversations and maybe some scheduled “just the two of us” time. My major problem is that I’m so far in a monogamous brain that I can’t understand a lot of what makes him tick as a poly person. He’s explained it to me so many times and I still can’t grasp the concepts well.


Thank you for the questions.