Diary 1-25-19

Today has been a difficult day. And not really in the healthy living department, that’s going alright. But emotionally things are really strained here. Master and I are so disconnected and I have a lot of internal work to get my head into the place it needs to be before changes will be obvious to him. So, right now, he and I are in a state of depression, fear that the end of the relationship is the only solution and a doubt that I’ll be able to make the changes that need to happen.

Add on to that, Master’s relationship with kiva is equally tenuous and he’s shattered. It’s hard to see him looking so pained and to know that I’m partly the cause of it.

I will fight tooth and nail to repair the relationship and to bring things back to where they should be. My love for Master hasn’t waivered and he says he still loves me. Love is not always enough, though – so I need to really push through. I have to do this all on my own right now as our budget can’t afford therapy even on a sliding scale (trust me, I’ve looked it up. We don’t qualify for free therapy but our budget is too tight to pay anything atm). I’m looking up self-help books on kindle and resources on websites to help me figure out the right questions to ask myself to get to the answers that I need to solve. That sort of thing. Self-therapy I guess. It’s a lot of writing, thinking and emotional upheaval. And it’s exhausting.

But on to my healthy eating and exercise for this week so far. I’ve done great with food choices and calorie goals. My activity goal for this week was to get 5000 steps every day. That’s a double of what I normally do in my sedentary existence. I think it’s a good start. Monday and Tuesday I got over 4000 so that’s good.  I’m almost at 4000 right now (6pm) so I think I can get to my goal or close to it. Once I can hold at 5000 for a few days I’ll work to boost it again.

Since I didn’t exercise or watch my food last week I am up 2 lbs. So, hopefully, next week I’ll have dropped that again. But then again, maybe I won’t. I have had massively horrible cramps the past 2 days which only means one thing. Water weight. I suppose we’ll see what Monday brings.

My bullet journal pages for this week have bene pretty busy. I think I’ve got a lot accomplished and it feels so satisfying to have so many things checked off. The housework is also getting done and Master is noticing that at least.




  1. Julie’s avatar

    As someone who avoided confronting the reality of her relationship with her husband (all be it that it was a vanilla relationship) I would suggest communication and openness is the only thing that matters. No secrets, no avoiding the reality. Otherwise secrets and lies get stored up for the future.

    Relationships are scary, being open and honest is scary. Living life in the cold reality, where you don’t have the money to live your normal existence, much less your dream is really scary.

    But, hang in there. If you love each other you have a chance. Focus on the important things in your relationship and seek help where you need to.

    A 54 year old slave who still recognises that relationships have to be worked on to survive xxxx

  2. Persephone’s avatar

    Its lovely to read your dedication to your Master its refreshing to see similar values shared openly. You seem to worship your Master in a way that reminds me of Odysseus and Penelope. You would do anything for him, encumber any challenge, rise to any task and overall live daily to please him. Take pride in your abilities so far and keep your eye on the goal of Masters happiness and everything will fall into place.
    As a last note I hope your stomach aches go away I’d recommend some nice hot tea with lemon :)

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