January 2017

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Diary 1-25-19

Today has been a difficult day. And not really in the healthy living department, that’s going alright. But emotionally things are really strained here. Master and I are so disconnected and I have a lot of internal work to get my head into the place it needs to be before changes will be obvious to him. So, right now, he and I are in a state of depression, fear that the end of the relationship is the only solution and a doubt that I’ll be able to make the changes that need to happen.

Add on to that, Master’s relationship with kiva is equally tenuous and he’s shattered. It’s hard to see him looking so pained and to know that I’m partly the cause of it.

I will fight tooth and nail to repair the relationship and to bring things back to where they should be. My love for Master hasn’t waivered and he says he still loves me. Love is not always enough, though – so I need to really push through. I have to do this all on my own right now as our budget can’t afford therapy even on a sliding scale (trust me, I’ve looked it up. We don’t qualify for free therapy but our budget is too tight to pay anything atm). I’m looking up self-help books on kindle and resources on websites to help me figure out the right questions to ask myself to get to the answers that I need to solve. That sort of thing. Self-therapy I guess. It’s a lot of writing, thinking and emotional upheaval. And it’s exhausting.

But on to my healthy eating and exercise for this week so far. I’ve done great with food choices and calorie goals. My activity goal for this week was to get 5000 steps every day. That’s a double of what I normally do in my sedentary existence. I think it’s a good start. Monday and Tuesday I got over 4000 so that’s good.  I’m almost at 4000 right now (6pm) so I think I can get to my goal or close to it. Once I can hold at 5000 for a few days I’ll work to boost it again.

Since I didn’t exercise or watch my food last week I am up 2 lbs. So, hopefully, next week I’ll have dropped that again. But then again, maybe I won’t. I have had massively horrible cramps the past 2 days which only means one thing. Water weight. I suppose we’ll see what Monday brings.

My bullet journal pages for this week have bene pretty busy. I think I’ve got a lot accomplished and it feels so satisfying to have so many things checked off. The housework is also getting done and Master is noticing that at least.



Here are last week’s bullet journal pages. Click thumbnail for larger view.


Diary 1-19-17

Personal introspection is hard on my mental state and physically I’m exhausted. I’ve spent a lot of time writing in my private journal about my issues and some rough ideas how to work on them.  It’s going to be slow but progress must be made. I’m still really beating myself up for how I’ve treated Master and how bad things have become. I can only hope, that over time, it shows that I’m working hard to get back to the “me” I should be and not the one I’ve become.

And if anyone tells you that you can’t change, don’t believe them.

I’ve decided I’m going to go on a hiatus with Submissive Guide starting in March. My writers will keep going, but I’ll suspend writing all new content until I feel a bit better.

Back to healthy eating and weight loss next week. I’ve not really been on the top of my game this week. I’ve not even been tracking my food in the food log. So, went to the store today and got some things to help get me back to what I need to be going. Exercise might have to wait until the bladder issues are gone.

In the meantime, I have a sore throat and heavy chest as well as a UTI. I can’t get to a Dr right now, so I’m having to treat symptoms and try to fight it myself. UTI’s suck.


Diary 1-14-17

This week has been hard on me emotionally. I’ve cried so much that I can’t shake the tired feeling you get from crying, you know what I’m talking about? Master and I have probably reached rock bottom and when I worked on some mental work I realized that I’m the big problem. I’ve let some old baggage really impact my submission and my just being the best me I can be. I’ve let it eat at me as I write in my private journal about it. I’m hoping I can learn how to repair it and how to correct my behavior.

I’m sorry this is going to be a short one and I’m not going to get into detail about what’s going on. Some things are just best kept between the two of us.

This has questioned my role in writing for Submissive Guide and I am still up in the air if it’s the best for me or if I should stop writing for awhile. I’m not exactly a model submissive right now.

Since my mental state hasn’t been what it needs to be, my diet has been not great. I’ve not gone over my calorie limit at all but I’ve not felt like exercising. Maybe I’ll do better next week.



Here are last week’s bullet journal pages if you’d like to see what I’ve been up to last week.

Click the images to enlarge.

Diary 1-5-17

So you know how I said in the previous post that Master was sick and I didn’t want to get it. Who was I kidding? I spent yesterday early AM over the toilet and that didn’t stop until noon. Had my first piece of dry toast (and GF toast sucks plain, let me tell you) around 3:30pm and successfully kept it down.  Two more pieces of toast around 7pm. The rest of the time I was asleep. That was except for the 10pm-2am this morning stint of fevers. I was so darned cold but couldn’t figure out why as I had 2 blankets and PJs on (that I never wear).

Today, well today I’m recovering. I had real food for lunch and I’m starting to perk back up. I’m still sleeping. A lot. Which I know to be normal. But I have so much to do! Guess it will be baby steps back into being productive.

I’ve not yet stepped into the fitness center. My knee has been out of whack and now with my being sick it just wasn’t happening. But I’ve done well with portion control. I’ve been around 1600 calories every day this week (except for yesterday’s measly 300). I’m hoping to see a shift in the scale when I stand on it Monday morning.

I bought one of those nail files that has all the different textures on it so you can shine your nails without painting them, have you seen those? It has done wonders in strengthening them as usually winter makes my nails really brittle. I do plan on painting them but that won’t happen until this weekend I think.

Submissive Guide work is going well. I’ve started updating and improving the Newsletter email list. It’s needed re-working for years now and finally I have an idea that might make it easier on me to keep it fresh and new without a lot of continued upkeep. I’m also looking forward to the first YT munch for Patreon supporters. I only have 3 in the right support tiers so people might not attend, but once I start posting them to YT things might change. I’m really going to focus a lot of my efforts on Patreon this year, as I’d love to have more income directly from fans and less from advertisers. Ads suck but they are a necessity right now. If I can make enough income directly from my fans and supporters of the site then I can remove ad locations. And I totally want to do that someday. They won’t all go away, but the prevalence is insane atm.

Maximus is doing great on his current insulin levels. He’s more alert and his coat is shiny. He’s also over 8 lbs now from the 6lbs he was at his lowest (almost dead) state in October. Dr would like to see him get over 9 lbs and I think he’s on track to do that.

Oh, I definitely plan to share my bullet journal pages with you. I think I’ll do a week at a time after that week has passed, so you’ll see this week’s pages early next week.

Breakfast today was 2 pieces of toast with a little bit of butter on them.

For lunch I had a taco bowl: white rice, taco meat, cheese and a little sour cream. I skipped the salsa, jalapenos and olives. I didn’t think they’d do well on my tummy yet.

Dinner is more of the same, but if I feel up to it I might add the spice back into it. Salsa at least.


Diary 1-2-17

It’s never a good sign when you set a date for healthier living and your period starts the same day. It’s like Mother Nature calling your bluff. Granted, my cravings are down so that’s something. I am being good overall but my activity level is low. In any case. I’m aiming for increased self care this month and Master wants to see me get to the fitness room 3 times this week. I know I can do that.

As a part of the self care goal I want to get into painting my nails on a regular basis. I’d also like to stop procrastinating and wax my eyebrows too. Makeup needs to become a regular habit also. I guess, essentially, I want to get girlie again. It makes me feel good and I know that goes a long way to achieving a lot when you feel good about yourself.

Master is sick. When Kiva visited a couple days ago she was just getting over the crud and well, he caught it. I’m avoiding him as best as I can to not get it myself but who knows. It would just put another wrench in the plans wouldn’t it. First period, then getting sick? Let’s hope not.

My starting weight is 367.5. I’m ashamed I’ve let myself get so bad. I wear a size 32 pant. Master would like to see me at the weight I was when we met. I wore a size 22 then. That’s 5 sizes. And that’s a lot. But it’s doable. I know I’m saying it now, and I know I’ll have to say it constantly but I must do this. Health is important and my weight is impacting it and our relationship.

You know all the get started exercise programs that are firing up this week? Well, if only there were a before this program, program for me. I’m going from sedentary to some movement and most of these plans assume you’ve got some ability in you before you start. So, my goal is to start with 15 mins on whatever cardio machine is open at the fitness room tomorrow (they aren’t open today). I can use the Elliptical and the Arc at my current weight. I want to get to 30 mins by the end of the month. If I reach it before then I’m going for 45. That’s where I’d like to maintain until I can use the treadmill too. It has a weight limit of 325lbs.

I’m working on a lot of updates and revisions to things on Submissive Guide this week. I’ve been going through old posts and fixing titles that are terribly constructed or don’t tell the reader what the post is really about. Some of it is SEO and some of it is just plain telling what they reader is going to read. Far too many posts are just a topic title like “checklists” or “sub space” without anything else. It worked fine for 1990′s internet and searches, but it needs to be more specific now. I’m also making a long list of posts that will need updates, expansions, and revisions. And there are a lot of them. I suppose this year is more about updating than it is about new content. I’ll be reducing what I write on the site so that I can do that work. I also have a 1st draft of a book to finish and then edit. I’d like to get that done by April.

I’m into my new bullet journal that Master got my for my birthday in October so hopefully, I’ll be able to be as productive as I need to be to get stuff done and still have time for fun.


Breakfast was 3 scrambled eggs in olive oil, 1/2 slice American cheese and 2 pieces of whole grain Gluten Free toast, no butter (I put the eggs on the toast like a sandwich) I also had a cup of coffee with creamer.

Lunch, that I’m eating right now, is a chef salad with hard boiled egg, 2 pieces of bacon and cheddar cheese. Low sugar French dressing on top with some sunflower seeds. Yummy. Water to drink.

Dinner is up in the air, but I think it’s going to be more breakfast foods, maybe an omelet with mushrooms and that other half of American cheese.

Calorie count looks like I’ll be right around 1600 for the day. Note on my foods. I’m not following any sort of diet plan. Just watching my portions, snacking far less and choosing healthier options for older poor choices.

But that’s it for today.