2017

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RIP Friends

Anyone else with poly partners? KM is considering yet another of my friends as a partner. They get along well so I can’t blame him but…. I can’t be friends with people who are dating my husband and then if they break up that’s just the end of the friendship too. It just rubs me the wrong way.

And at first, I thought it was his fault, and I wanted to blame him for it. But if my friends valued my relationship with them I think they’d ask me if it were okay or consider my friendship more valuable that they wouldn’t want to jeopardize it? I dunno.

I know I’m thinking with my monogamous brain.

–lunaKM

I gaze into a glass of darkest night

It beckons me to drink its vile poison

I deny it

I have no thirst

So it drowns me in it instead.

I went to a munch this weekend. It was tough. The first social outing with people who understand what wearing a collar (or not) means. While the people there I didn’t know, it still was very challenging for me. I sat silent the whole night, trying not to cry, telling myself that I shouldn’t break down and that I shouldn’t have such a hard time around people. KM wanted to be more social, but I acted so hurt when he said he wanted to move where the conversation was that he didn’t move and hated that he felt stuck. We didn’t talk about it until afterward, but it was clear that we were thinking different things about what the other was doing. 

I’m going to wait a bit more before I go to another kink-related event. I thought I was ready, but it’s clear I wasn’t.

Here at home things are stagnant. I’m doing a lot of reading in the mornings. I have a few self-help books to try to reclaim what I want as my life and my happiness, to release the weight of everything negative in my life and try to really breathe stress-free again.

As far as finding submission, I haven’t. I’m still really trying to figure out where I went, let alone the “me” that is submissive. So much is in pieces that getting through the day can be hard. KM, bless him, is so patient and loving. He shows me everyday that he loves me and needs me and wants to be around me. He grants me some peace when I asked to make him some coffee or get something for him, things that used to be common things I’d do as his slave that are no longer required of me.

I’ve begun to concern myself with my grooming again. Painting my nails, doing my make up, dressing pretty when I can. It makes me feel good, but it also shows KM that I care about my appearance around him. Something that got really bad for quite a long time.

So, I’m scratching my way out of the pit.

–lunaKM

 

I can’t stop thinking of him as Master. He’s been Master for over a decade and my goal is to eventually wear his collar again. So in the interim, I can’t call him Master but in my heart, I still say it, think it and believe it. While he no longer gives me directions, I still love every request he makes of me. If I can’t call myself his slave, then I will adapt and use what I can to be the best damned submissive wife ever.

It’s been awhile. Things aren’t as painful but I still find myself crying in the dark, wondering how and why I changed so much and just what I can do to make things right again. It’s quite clear I’ve changed in ways that are toxic to him and to me. I’ve spent the last month reflecting on them, trying to figure out the underlying cause so that I can change yet again. Hopefully, this time, in a more positive, healthy direction.

It’s not easy to see what you want in the distance and know there’s a canyon in between you. And you have to build your own bridge to span it. How do you start? What risks will you take? Just how long will what you want, wait for you on the other side?

–lunaKM

I…

He asked for his collar back. I don’t know how to be now.

Striving to be a “low maintenance” slave is an admirable goal, and one way to achieve this goal is to minimize the number of complaints you make to your Owner. Keep in mind, however, that some concerns are legitimate and need to be addressed as soon as possible. A good rule of thumb to follow is to ask yourself, “Will this bother me tomorrow?” If the answer is no, then you should let it drop. If the answer is yes, then you have an obligation to discuss the situation with your Owner rather than harbor a resentment that will create a barrier to the trust you have built together.  — Where I am Led by Christina Parker

I spent years resenting Master for something he said to be. It was a truth that I wasn’t ready to face and was really hurt when he said it. This is really hard to talk about because now that I know how much of a horrible human being I was to the man I love I feel humiliated, embarrassed and sad. Our relationship is still on tenderhooks but I do hope, genuinely, that I can repair the damage I did to our relationship.

What did he say? He said that I was getting too fat for him to find me sexually desirable.  Let’s face it, I had gained far too much weight and am still struggling with it. How much is too much? When Master met me I weighed around 255lbs. When he said that I weighed 340 lbs. I don’t know why I thought that gaining that much weight would be okay? He was being honest with me. Instead of taking the statement and doing something about it, I let it fester. In that festering, I gained more weight. Today I weigh just under 360.

I didn’t bring my issues with Master about what he said to him. Instead, I lashed out at him. I began being really unsubmissive, nonwifey. I became more passive aggressive, I argued about everything, refused to submit for stupid reasons. Our relationship turned toxic and I blamed Master’s other relationships as the only cause.  Yet I am to blame for a large part of where we are currently.

I have done a lot of journaling privately about how I feel and why I did what I did. I’ve apologized several times to Master. He’s working through his own emotions so eventually I think he’ll be ready to consider repairing our relationship and learning to trust me again. Until then, I just have to show him that I can be the person he fell in love with and chose to make his wife. And it’s important to me to do anything I can to change who I need to be and re-embrace the submissive mindset that brings about so much joy in me.

–lunaKM

There is a strong power that can be gained through surrender. It is not a power that comes from manipulation or passive-aggressive control over another person. Instead, it is a peaceful, internal power that fills the heart and soul of the slave who recognizes the pleasure that quiet obedience gives to an Owner.— Where I am Led by Christina Parker

One of the things I carried into this relationship as baggage was a passive-aggressive attitude. And to be honest, it has been one of the largest issues between Master and me. Being passive-aggressive is how I grew up. My family is very PA, and I learned from an early age that it was a good defense against things that didn’t work my way. Anyone can tell you that it’s really hard to learn new behaviors and I’ve not made a lot of progress since asking for Master’s help in recognizing when I’m being passive aggressive. See, I didn’t even know what it looked like to know I was doing it.  So for awhile he’d just stop me and tell me I’m being passive aggressive. I’d apologize and try to reword what I was saying so that it didn’t wind up being hurtful.

I’m a long way away from being better at it, but I’m learning. That quiet obedience that the prompt mentions? It’s been so very very long since I felt it. I’m constantly pushing against him and I can’t figure out why. I feel best when I submit to him, so for one reason or another, I need to push myself to relax and embrace that good feeling I need so badly.

I’ve also caused him to distrust what I say and to question every statement as if it has an alternate meaning. Which means that if I just want to express my feelings, he thinks it’s a stab at something he’s failed to do or something he has to fix, etc. So, talking to him is a challenge and I may have to learn a new way to present my feelings until he can trust me again and understand what I’m saying doesn’t have a secret stabby meaning to it.

I want to feel good about my submission to Master. I want to embrace the power that is surrender and I desire to reconnect with him on a scale we’ve not been in so very long. I still feel so lost and unsure which direction we need to go, but I do know I’ve not given up on us and I don’t think he has either. He’s just coming from a different place than I am. Once we are on an equal level we’ll figure it out.

–lunaKM

 

 

Assumptions

A common mistake made by many slaves is the assumption that giving up control also means giving up responsibility. No matter what the situation, a slave shares equal responsibility for any consequences – either good or bad – that occur as a result of consensual activities. — Where I am Led by Christina Parker

When I first started my journey in submission, I really did believe that becoming submissive I would be able to surrender my responsibilities and let someone else make these decisions for me. I still hear that idea talked about in submissive forums I’m in. “Being submissive means I don’t have to make decisions.” “Being a slave means someone else does all the adulting.” And it makes some sense. Submissives submit to their Dominant’s wishes and often that means surrendering some decision making. But in all of these cases, I’ve seen submissives also give up responsibility for what happens when you do that.

But this isn’t about other submissives, this is about how I am responding to the prompt. I admit that I’ve let the idea of being submissive get too sloppy and I’ve gotten lazy. Being submissive is an active role in a D/s relationship and I’ve let that slip. It’s a large part of why KnyghtMare and I are having issues now and I’ve finally accepted the consequences of my role in the state of the relationship. We are around rock bottom and still clinging to each other in hopes of recovering what we had.

I’ve done a lot of writing and mental work to try and correct my thought processes and I feel I’ve made some progress. I’m not proud of what I’ve done to KnyghtMare. I’ve spent years resenting something he said to me that was the truth, but nonetheless, I let it eat away at me instead of doing anything about it. Well, now I need to face the fact that a lot of the misery that KnyghtMare is currently in is my fault and it will take time and my correcting my behavior to make it work right.

What am I doing? I’m proving to KnyghtMare that I can be the slave he needs and wants in his life. I’m showing him that the woman he loved and married is still in here somewhere and I’m serious about making amends. I hope, one day, he’ll see these changes. He’s still a broken man after the breakup with Kiva. Love is a hard thing to reconcile when it’s over. I don’t care who you are, it takes time to learn how to move on.

This is still the start of our recovery.

–lunaKM

 

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