September 2016

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This week I’ve been sick. I’ve had Master’s stomach flu that he had last week. Lucky me, right? I’ve slept more in the past 72 hours than I’ve been awake.  I’ve meant to write here for over a week, and just not had the energy.

Master and I had a pretty intense talk just over a week ago and I’ve taken to processing thoughts on paper, privately. I’ve not even shared what I’ve been writing with Master and he’s fine with that. I’m using it for some self-therapy really. I’m depressed so this is helping.

Why am I depressed? Much of it has to do with my self-image and my weight. But I’m also not happy with how things have gone recently since Master’s unemployment which forced us to this crummy apartment. I’m trying hard to stay positive but my blue mood overwhelms me more often and it’s impacting a lot of our interactions. Sex is suffering. Playtime is suffering and the dynamic is struggling.

I’ve been very belligerent, snarky and a terrible submissive. He’s trying his best to reign me in but I’m not even responding humbly when in trouble. I was in a tailspin.

I’m far from better but the venting and writing have helped me. I’m also using my bullet journal to track more of my mood and to try and reign in where the focus of my life should be. It’s really stressful when you know you have been bad but can’t stop the crap coming out of your mouth in time. Master is at his wits end, surely. But he has done a great job correcting me calmly, express his disappointment and leave it to me to fix.

And fix it I shall work hard to do!