June 2016

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Low Self Esteem

Things have slowly receded since the last post.  Master is doing better since the break up; his depression is much less. We found an apartment that will take us even though our credit is in the bad category now that the unemployment period is over so in less than 2 weeks we are moving. It’s $200 cheaper and 200 sq ft smaller but it still has 2 bedrooms and will take our cats. The cost cut will definitely help us get back on our feet and fix our debt issues. Relief is coming, soon.

I’m not happy with the smaller place, but it is what it is. I’m doing some major purging of possessions so that we aren’t living in a clutter mess. I’m hoping that we’ll be able to replace our “walmart” furniture and plastic storage with nicer pieces a bit at a time. At least the apartment is nice, it has newer appliances, newer flooring and overall nicer looking. The complex has an fitness room, computer lab and 2 large laundromats (with like 20 washers and dryers). It’s main clientele are college students with the community college within walking distance. Here’s hoping they aren’t the rowdy sort.

My self esteem is in the crapper. I put on a lot of weight when I ran out of thyroid meds and now that I’m back to where I started I still feel ugly.  I’ve not had my hair cut in almost 2 years, I miss getting my eyebrows waxed and shaped and professional manicures. Maybe we’ll be able to add a few of those things back in when the finances have room.

I’m reminded again in a talk with Master that my sex drive is non-existent and it’s been that way for years. I think part of it comes from my self esteem. I feel ugly and undesirable even though he tells me and shows me he wants me all the time. I read in an article on WebMD the other day that women with low self esteem could feel sexual desire and still ignore it because their self esteem was so low. That doesn’t explain such a long term problem but it could contribute to my current issue.

The sexual desire needs fixing. It’s so sad to hear Master say he misses the sexual energy we used to have before we got married. I’d love to have it too. All of our sex and play has just dropped off and it’s related to my lack of desire, my inability to be affectionate and flirty. Something inside me has broken and I need to figure out how to kindle my flame again. I find Master very sexy so it’s not like I’m not attracted to him. I want him all the time. I just need to find my sexy and show him.

That’s it for now, maybe I’ll think about it more later.