May 2016

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It’s been a long time since I felt a desire to write here. That’s not to say I’ve not been writing. My private journal has been getting an earful. So much of what’s going on now I didn’t think I’d really need to share but now it’s piled up so high that I have to get it out. This probably isn’t going to be orderly or make a lot of sense. I’m just getting what’s in my head onto the screen in any way it sees fit.

Money dried up and we are late on May rent and don’t have June rent. We have no where to move and our lease is up in July. We can’t afford a moving truck or a storage space. Things are still very up in the air with that. I have a friend that will let us crash with her for awhile but that still doesn’t help us get our stuff anywhere.

I was able to get County assistance for the rent for May and half of June’s so there is some relief in that department. Master’s new project has finally FINALLY started so money will start trickling in mid-next month.  So, I’m expecting to have money to put our stuff in storage.

We are so broke that the sites could be shut down and recovering them would be near impossible. I’d lose my passion and my income. So I opened a GoFundMe to see if my readers would help pay the bills for the summer while we get on our feet. The response has been amazing. I’ve raised $1500 in 4 days. My low goal was $2000 so I’m very impressed. The sites will continue thanks to them.

Kiva broke up with Master. It was sudden and unexpected and has left him a shattered mess of a person. It’s been a week and he’s still very despondent and I’m doing my best to be there for him. He’s barely eating, he’s crying a lot and sleeping even more. He’s said he lost something very special and important to him and he’s not sure how he’ll go on. We aren’t interacting on a M/s standpoint or even a husband/wife. Right now I’m his caretaker. And I’m stressed out. I’m trying hard to not be angry that I’m not getting any of my needs met or that I’m feeling neglected but honestly I really am. And that’s just the start of my emotions about the whole thing.

I’m right pissed at Kiva. What Master has revealed about their break up makes me think she’s a selfish, immature cunt that just wants the NRE high and lots of new dick. She’s incapable of having an adult long term relationship and I don’t give a shit if she doesn’t like it if she reads here. I’m mad. Master was everything he could be for her and she tossed him aside because he was too controlling? Girl, you asked to be submissive… with a man who is a dominant. WTH were you thinking? That you’d be free to suck cock in a line up while he watched? Grow up and get lost.  You can’t just chew people up and spit them out and expect them to sit back and let you do it.

That’s enough of that.

Our 5 year wedding anniversary is Saturday. I don’t think we’ll be able to do anything and with him so broken from what Kiva did to him I don’t think I should expect anything. It would be nice of course. 5 years is a big milestone in my opinion. I may just have to accept that it’s going to be a bust.

We were planning on moving closer to Kiva so Master could see her more. Now that isn’t happening, even being in the same town is too much for him right now. So, I’m considering a new start in a completely different place, maybe even out of state. Since my mother stopped talking to me in January and burned her last lifeline with me I don’t have anything keeping me here. We could move somewhere with a different BDSM community and a different atmosphere altogether. Just get away from it all.

Now, there is froggy to consider. Master still sees her weekly for play and massage. I know he’ll have to make the final decision really soon so that I can start figuring out where to start looking for places to move. There are decently large BDSM communities in Omaha and other Midwest areas. I’m not sure a longer distance move is logical.

I’m already feeling better just getting this off my chest.



Not Eating

I spent a lot of today fighting the urge to eat because I was bored. So, while I didn’t have anything really productive to do, I found myself staying busy just to stay out of the kitchen.  I’ve done a couple more exercises in my compulsive eating workbook and it’s helping me see things in a different perspective. Of course it’s having me watch what I eat and that’s probably why I was so aware of my urges this weekend.

I’m recording what I eat. I’m measuring out servings before I eat it. And Master is keeping me accountable without being overbearing. I think it helps. I hurt my ankle on Thursday so I’ve not exercised but I am going to try my first bit of Yoga tomorrow. I found a simplified Sun Salutation that looks like something I can do with just a few modifications. And eventually I know it will help with my flexibility.

I weigh in tomorrow to see what my starting weight will be for this month. I’m hoping for 10 lbs lost by the end of it.