Alright so I need to just jot down all the things currently going on. This is a brain dump, essentially.
I’ve come clean yet again about my compulsive binge eating. Master caught me in February buying pizza on a weekend he was at Kiva’s and I just broke down and confessed to bingeing when he wasn’t here. Bingeing has been a problem for me since high school and my first job. It’s going to take a long time to recover and earn Master’s trust yet again. At least I think he realizes that I didn’t lie intentionally, that it’s part of the sickness. Even I don’t realize all the food I eat when I’m bingeing. I’m working with therapy online and in a workbook until we can afford a therapist. This is going to be a hard hard path.
Due to my secret eating I gained 15 lbs which put me at a new highest high for weight. Along with that came great shame, frustration and depression. I’m slowly losing and I know I have to continue not only for me, but for Master. I promised I’d stick around for him for a long time.
My mother is still not talking to me. So I’ve cut her out. She’s done this sort of childish thing before several times and I keep forgiving her. I can’t go through the stress again. Especially over something so childish. It pains me but knowing she’s intentionally avoiding me and not talking to me hurts more.
Master and I are broke. Beyond broke. Money hasn’t come in for over 2 months. His next big project has been just over the horizon for so long now. It’s there, and it promises to be a great thing, but until it gets here we’re…. stuck. We are just barely able to hang on to the apartment right now. He feels like a failure and the depression we both feel is having a huge impact on our interactions, our sex lives and our health. Neither of us are sleeping well. I wish I could help reassure him that he’s not a failure and that this is just a difficult point that we’ll overcome and come out the other end still together and still strong.
Our lease is up in 3 months. We can’t afford to look for someplace yet. Or the moving van. Or the hired help. The stress of this is really bad. I’m decluttering and minimizing material items like crazy because the less we have to move the better.
Maximus, my eldest cat, is starting to have more bad days than good lately. I can’t afford to take him in for further tests on the progression of his Kidney Disease. He’s 14 so I know he’s reaching the end anyway, but watching him slowly decline just tears my heart out. I don’t want him to die, of course, but I don’t want him to suffer even less. I’m watching for signs that he’s ready. It could come tomorrow it could come next year. I just don’t know.
I don’t think I’ll ever be as accepting of poly as I’d like to be, so I have to learn ways to cope and manage my emotions. I’m not leaving Master over this. As long as he continues to provide for me what I need there’s no reason. I feel loved and adored and I am so lost in his love that I’m not tearing myself away from him over this. I just have to learn a bit of coping that will take care of my feelings of loneliness when he’s not here.
And that’s about it for now. It helps to get this off my chest, but of course I also need to work through much of this and the only way to do that is what I call mental work. And writing. I’ve written in my physical journal a lot, but I guess I felt a need to write here too so that Master can see some of my thought process.