April 2016

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Alright so I need to just jot down all the things currently going on. This is a brain dump, essentially.

I’ve come clean yet again about my compulsive binge eating. Master caught me in February buying pizza on a weekend he was at Kiva’s and I just broke down and confessed to bingeing when he wasn’t here. Bingeing has been a problem for me since high school and my first job. It’s going to take a long time to recover and earn Master’s trust yet again. At least I think he realizes that I didn’t lie intentionally, that it’s part of the sickness. Even I don’t realize all the food I eat when I’m bingeing. I’m working with therapy online and in a workbook until we can afford a therapist. This is going to be a hard hard path.

Due to my secret eating I gained 15 lbs which put me at a new highest high for weight. Along with that came great shame, frustration and depression. I’m slowly losing and I know I have to continue not only for me, but for Master. I promised I’d stick around for him for a long time.

My mother is still not talking to me. So I’ve cut her out. She’s done this sort of childish thing before several times and I keep forgiving her. I can’t go through the stress again. Especially over something so childish. It pains me but knowing she’s intentionally avoiding me and not talking to me hurts more.

Master and I are broke. Beyond broke. Money hasn’t come in for over 2 months. His next big project has been just over the horizon for so long now. It’s there, and it promises to be a great thing, but until it gets here we’re…. stuck. We are just barely able to hang on to the apartment right now. He feels like a failure and the depression we both feel is having a huge impact on our interactions, our sex lives and our health. Neither of us are sleeping well. I wish I could help reassure him that he’s not a failure and that this is just a difficult point that we’ll overcome and come out the other end still together and still strong.

Our lease is up in 3 months. We can’t afford to look for someplace yet.  Or the moving van. Or the hired help. The stress of this is really bad. I’m decluttering and minimizing material items like crazy because the less we have to move the better.

Maximus, my eldest cat, is starting to have more bad days than good lately. I can’t afford to take him in for further tests on the progression of his Kidney Disease. He’s 14 so I know he’s reaching the end anyway, but watching him slowly decline just tears my heart out. I don’t want him to die, of course, but I don’t want him to suffer even less. I’m watching for signs that he’s ready. It could come tomorrow it could come next year.  I just don’t know.

I don’t think I’ll ever be as accepting of poly as I’d like to be, so I have to learn ways to cope and manage my emotions. I’m not leaving Master over this. As long as he continues to provide for me what I need there’s no reason. I feel loved and adored and I am so lost in his love that I’m not tearing myself away from him over this. I just have to learn a bit of coping that will take care of my feelings of loneliness when he’s not here.

And that’s about it for now. It helps to get this off my chest, but of course I also need to work through much of this and the only way to do that is what I call mental work. And writing. I’ve written in my physical journal a lot, but I guess I felt a need to write here too so that Master can see some of my thought process.

–lunaKM

Entre Acte

Things are changing around this place. After I realized in March that I didn’t feel comfortable writing here anymore I did some serious thinking as to why. First, it’s you. While I do get positive comments, it’s the negative ones that are inflicting more pain and actually hurting my relationship with Master more than I should allow them to. So, from now until I decide I can live with them again, there will be no more comments allowed on this blog.

This is my private place, my safe space and it’s also a conduit to my mind. It’s for Master and me. It’s not for your entertainment. If you don’t like what I write here, you don’t have to read it. I have a hell of a lot of things going on right now that I need to work through and you are either along as a silent bystander or you can go elsewhere.

I don’t want your pity, your sympathy or your understanding. I don’t write here to entertain you. It just happens to be public so others can read about my real life if they wish to.

To that end, there is no more contact page. You can not find my email on this site and I will not respond to personal emails from people I do not already have an email exchange with. This means, if I have not emailed with you before, I do not wish to get emails from you now.

This place is supposed to be therapy. It’s a brain dump, a shoulder to cry on and a place to vent. Master often comes off as a bad person when I do this because of my negative emotions. He is not a bad person at all. He’s the most patient, compassionate, caring and responsible person I’ve ever known and I am proud for everyday he embraces me as his slut wife.

That means, there may be posts that are closed to the public. Don’t ask for me for a password, you won’t get one. This is my place and I’m taking it back.

–lunaKM