I’ve been going through a very dark period in my mind lately. Mid-December, just after I set the blog to private I spent an entire day in bed, not getting up and not caring. I cried almost constantly for 3 days. It bothered Master immensely but he knew that I needed to process a lot and checked in with me regularly but let me process. At some point in that hell I considered death. I really did. I knew how I wanted to do it and how finally free I’d feel when it was over. I desperately wanted to escape.
Please don’t worry about me now. I’ve had some serious talks with Master and some mental work to not want to do that now. I’m fine and will be better as time goes on.
So what caused this? It started with the comments on the blog that were very unkind, one-sided and rude. They had me thinking things that weren’t true about our relationship and it totally messed with my head. Then Master and I had a talk and instead of hearing I finally listened. One of the things he was saying was that I’m a very passive aggressive person. I never realized. But after he gave some examples a shock hit me. My childhood is the reason. I thought I had moved on from that and my childhood, which was horrible, wasn’t impacting my life anymore. I was so wrong. I have been attacking Master with my passive aggressive behavior and didn’t even realize it. He actually had to give me examples of my behavior because I just didn’t know it was happening.
Now I have him tell me when I’m being passive aggressive so that I can start noticing it in myself and hopefully making changes. It’s hard because I feel so horrible when he reminds me of my behavior.
We’ve also had a lot of financial stress that isn’t over yet but the end is coming so it feels a bit better now. I think my mind just imploded in December with everything and I shut down.
I tried to talk to a friend, but instead of being reassuring, they freaked the heck out. There are certainly things you say and don’t say to someone who is severely depressed and she just wasn’t the right person for the sort of conversation I needed. She essentially made it worse for a day or two before I moved on mentally.
I’m getting better and maybe I’ll be back to writing here more frequently soon enough.