January 2016

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I always make resolutions, but then I never stick to them. So this year I didn’t do that. But, as I was surfing Youtube the other day I encountered something that I think might help me in my one huge struggle, organization and memory. OK, so that’s two but seriously, it’s a mess! I am a to-do list maker. But my to-do list can be an old envelope, a scrap of paper, post it note or a blank sheet in a notebook. It’s not organized, I don’t always get it all done and then lose the list, without remembering what was on the list to be done still.

I found BulletJournaling. It’s a method of rapidlogging and list making, planning and collection creation that looks right up my alley. And the fun part is that one of my weaknesses in a book store, the blank journals, will now have a purpose! I can get the pretty journals and actually know what to put in them. I’m starting this new planning and organization method in a notebook I already had to see how well I keep it up and how useful it is for me, and if I pick it up as a habit and enjoy it, Master said I can get a new pretty notebook!

Right now I don’t use it for my work to-do list unless it is  important for that very day because a lot of my editorial tasks repeat on a regular basis and I use Remember the Milk (RTM) for those. But I can use it for idea brainstorming, drafts, notes, outlines and more. I’m also using it to remember what books I want to read, what movies I’d like to watch and so forth.  I really see no end to the usefulness of this one book.

Of course I’m only 3 days into it so we’ll see after, say, a month.

Master has a nasty cough for a week now. He says he isn’t sick, but I don’t believe him. “It’s just  a cough” doesn’t happen out of nowhere. He’s taking medicine and cough drops. I got him orange juice all to help him get better from not being sick.  He’s about around people recently who were sick or are getting sick. But yeah, he just has a cough.

Anyway…

I asked Master if I could buy a Powerball ticket. He said I had no chance of winning. I replied that yeah I definitely have no chance if I don’t have a ticket, I’d have a minuscule slight chance if I did. First he said no, and then he changed his mind and said that since it was cheap and would make me happy I could get one. Yay! One in 292 million chance tonight. But it’s a chance.

When Master came home on Monday he made a declaration that I’d not have any orgasms until he fucked my ass. I’d be edging, but no orgasms until then. Somehow, that immediately triggered diarrhea (no it didn’t, but the coincidence was aggravating). I had some pretty severe stomach cramps along with it. For 2 days. Last night, Master said he was lifting the orgasm ban because it wasn’t his intention to make me wait that long and that health issues interfered. Yet, as of this post I’ve still not had an orgasm. It matters not to me if he wants to wait until my stomach is better and we can go at it through the back door or not. I’ll either suffer in frustration for him, or I’ll come for him. It’s all on his plate to decide. Thankfully my stomach is healing and I should be all sorted out tomorrow (touch wood).

–lunaKM

I’ve been going through a very dark period in my mind lately. Mid-December, just after I set the blog to private I spent an entire day in bed, not getting up and not caring. I cried almost constantly for 3 days. It bothered Master immensely but he knew that I needed to process a lot and checked in with me regularly but let me process. At some point in that hell I considered death. I really did. I knew how I wanted to do it and how finally free I’d feel when it was over. I desperately wanted to escape.

Please don’t worry about me now. I’ve had some serious talks with Master and some mental work to not want to do that now. I’m fine and will be better as time goes on.

So what caused this? It started with the comments on the blog that were very unkind, one-sided and rude. They had me thinking things that weren’t true about our relationship and it totally messed with my head. Then Master and I had a talk and instead of hearing I finally listened. One of the things he was saying was that I’m a very passive aggressive person. I never realized. But after he gave some examples a shock hit me. My childhood is the reason. I thought I had moved on from that and my childhood, which was horrible, wasn’t impacting my life anymore. I was so wrong. I have been attacking Master with my passive aggressive behavior and didn’t even realize it. He actually had to give me examples of my behavior because I just didn’t know it was happening.

Now I have him tell me when I’m being passive aggressive so that I can start noticing it in myself and hopefully making changes. It’s hard because I feel so horrible when he reminds me of my behavior.

We’ve also had a lot of financial stress that isn’t over yet but the end is coming so it feels a bit better now. I think my mind just imploded in December with everything and I shut down.

I tried to talk to a friend, but instead of being reassuring, they freaked the heck out. There are certainly things you say and don’t say to someone who is severely depressed and she just wasn’t the right person for the sort of conversation I needed. She essentially made it worse for a day or two before I moved on mentally.

I’m getting better and maybe I’ll be back to writing here more frequently soon enough.

–lunaKM

There’s a blog here and at some point I will come back and talk to you all again. But until then, please know that if and when I do come back I will likely be changing the way things are shared around here. Far too many falsehoods are developing because of the way I have been writing here and are causing a lot of stress on me. Things will be corrected.

Oh and Happy New Year.