testing to make sure my feed doesn’t update.
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Well, so here it is folks. I’ve been away for a week and had time to rest my thoughts and reconcile my feelings to the change.
What change is that? Master says I’m not cut out for TPE. The complete authority required just didn’t work. I’ll tell you more about that in a bit. But when we agreed to try TPE he added more tasks, more rules and more structure. He isn’t going to continue that now that he’s removed the TPE. I’m sad about that in particular. Having to ask to wear clothing – gone. Direct commands instead of polite requests – no more. A sense of immediate chastising – nope. We discuss things now and maybe I get in trouble. I can hope to have things like that re-added in the future but for now he’s just defaulted back to pre-TPE test.
What made this change so abrupt is something sex related. I won’t do analingus. To me, it’s a limit. But when we agreed to test TPE he said that would be tested and I would be expected to do it since the “no ass licking limit” doesn’t have any trauma or real reason to it. At least that’s his thought on it. So, early on in our test he pushed me to do it and I did but cried the whole time (which he liked the whole forcing suffering of it) but what I didn’t tell him then was that when he left for kiva’s later that night I cried for hours. Full on weeping that I felt so horrible and icky and traumatized by it. When I told him that I was traumatized by it he was furious that this was the first time he was hearing of it.
I honestly thought my feelings of stress and fear and angst and the suffering long after was part of his pushing me to do something I didn’t want to do. Of course, he disagreed. He was mad that I would even think he was the kind of guy to cause me trauma and be okay with it. He’s right to be mad of course. I really did expect to be fully humiliated and degraded and beaten down with this analingus issue. After all, how else was I going to get through it since this was a hell no limit for me. Sure I don’t have any reason to say no other than it repels me; I find it horribly disgusting. He emphasized that everything we do has risks and that my concerns of getting sick, ingesting small amounts of fecal matter and what not was just as much of a risk as beating me with floggers, or kicking me in the cunt. But I’m not afraid of broken bones, bruises and nerve damage as a I am consuming shit. It’s just a whole lot of dry heaving for me.
But TPE means he makes the decisions on what’s safe and what risks I take. So when I told him no the last week when he told me to lick his ass for him. That was it. Huge fight, with the decision that if I can’t surrender to that then I’m not capable of giving him total authority. As soon as I set limits that don’t have a “real reason” for them existing that gives me the power and he won’t do that. It’s all or nothing.
So that puts us back to where we were before this test. And I miss some of it, but the fact that he’ll never force me to lick his ass again is a relief. That limit is still a limit now that he has to respect them on matter how silly he thinks they are. Maybe he’ll consider re-adding some of the more strict structure in the future and not consider it part of the TPE idea he had.