When Master is depressed, like now, the climate here at home is one of cautious silence. We’ve been in financial turmoil since we moved here because the income that he was making has been cut by almost half. The work just isn’t coming in as fast and furious as it was. So all of the stress keeps piling up and he’s depressed about it. I am too.
But when it comes to self-medicating for the depression we treat it so very differently that it harms my recovery more than heals. He shuts down. He doesn’t want to talk about it and the more I bring it up the more shut away he gets. I need to talk about the frustration and stress I’m feeling but I can’t do that with him. At least not when it comes to money.
I’m not ignorant to the fact that he’s stressed out. He knows I’m stressed out. So we spend a lot of our time in separate rooms dealing with whatever we need to deal with. I’m finding I’m crying or on the verge of crying more often. I’m short with him and not as conversational as normal. He’s withdrawn.
And I can’t figure out how to help relive the problem. I’ve offered to go find a job, but he’s declined that. I’ve asked him if there was anything I could do to help. He says no. So, I sit on my ass and do nothing but dwell over the fact that I can’t help. I’ve decreased the food budget. The cats are eating dry food again, I’m eating cheaper food and less of it. There’s no real splurging going on.
Yes we just bought a car. It had to be done. The bus tickets down to Des Moines every weekend, the extended time he’s away and the age and repair costs of my car were all factors in deciding to suck it up and buy a newer car. And it doesn’t help our finances one bit.
He’s okayed me to go do plasma donation but they have a weight limit and I’m dancing a fine line with that right now so I wanted to wait until I came down a bit. Thankfully the gym membership is cheap and does wonders for my mood when I get there. Physically it is kicking my ass, but knowing that being there is helping me lose weight and get healthier is a positive that I can’t afford not to have right now.
Sales on Submissive Guide is waning. I don’t know if it will pick back up for the holiday or not. I’m preparing my annual Nanowrimo ebook sale but that won’t be enough to help us pay the bills. Our emergency fund is empty. Our credit cards are maxed out and there’s no more money to pull out of the business account.
With all that our relationship probably feels boring to me. We can’t DO anything since we can’t afford anything. I don’t feel myself when I’m depressed and neither does he. I’ve considered uping my anxiety med early instead of waiting until seasonal depression hits. It might help.