September 2015

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I’m Live!

I’m really enjoying my time spent streaming Minecraft. I’ve got a few people that join my stream every time and I’m gaining followers at a decent pace I think. Tonight’s stream I had a lot of help trying to figure out power options and I got some things solved that were bugging me.  Master and I stream together most other nights of the week and it’s a great time together. I know it sounds odd that we sit in separate rooms and then play games together while others watch.

The practice I’m getting talking while playing games I think will help me when it comes time to do webinars for Subguide. I’m still waiting to cross a milestone on Patreon for that to happen. When it does I’ll produce my first webinar. It’s kinda exciting!

Nanowrimo is just around the corner now and I have to work on ideas and outlines for courses, ebooks, videos and other content for Subguide. What do you think your submission could have benefited from when you were just starting out? What do you think I could cover? Ideas would be amazing!

The gym is kicking my butt as I thought it would. My arms are really sore today after yesterday’s weight training day focusing on them.  I’m looking forward to standing on the scale on Monday and see if I’ve lost any weight to go with my positive attitude. Who knows but I’m working so hard at it and I am enjoying having a gym to go to even if I don’t want to go when it comes time to go. Master says to not focus on the  numbers and go with how I feel but I really like the numbers. My muscles hurt so I guess that’s progress.

Things here at home have settled into a holding pattern. The end of the month is always like this as we wait for his paycheck and the bills come in. We only exhale when his check arrives and then things can flow again. Does that make sense? Things like sex and intimacy suffer and lately Master has noticed that I’m edgier and easier to bother. I think that’s related to the stress too. Of course it could be PMS also.



Too Much Time

This weekend was long and boring. I usually find things to do to occupy my time, but this weekend I got all of my cleaning done early and then felt like I had nothing left to do. I mean I plenty I could be doing but often I feel less motivation to do those things when Master isn’t here. I’ll do what he tells me to do and that’s about it.

I miss him when he’s gone. He misses me when he’s gone. But he misses Kiva when he’s here. So I guess he’s always missing someone. I don’t think I could handle that. I have relief each time he walks in the door from a weekend away. It feels normal again.

I did watch a lot of TV though. I’m into season 5 of Stargate SG-1 and he just restarted watching the Dr Who series, starting with the 9th Doctor. Lots of great TV going on right now.

Workout today was good. I’m feeling sore but not insufferable. Tomorrow is more and I know I’ll be hurting again for that too. It will just compound throughout the week. That’s the hard part.

Mom came up today for her appointment with the dr about her wrist. Hopefully she won’t have a lot more appointments for that. She’s back to work full-time and needs to get back to a normal life. There’s times like her visits that make me hope I’m not like my parents because they get on my nerves.


Fall Already?

I got my new personalized program from the trainer on Thursday and I’m pumped and exhausted. I did one of the day’s strength training series and then today I did cardio only. Thankfully I have the weekend off. I’m gonna need it. Otherwise, the positive flow feels good. I made workout sheets in Evernote so I can track my progress  with the weights and know where I left off the previous time.  I weigh in on Monday which of course is right in the middle of my period. So… that may be off but I’m hoping for a loss anyhow.

Master and I are streaming together now, I don’t think I mentioned that. We are having fun with modded minecraft and he wants to figure out a set up where both of our views on on the same screen and we can simulcast. That could definitely be fun. I’m still streaming solo on Wednesdays and Saturdays and I’ve got a small following so far.

Subguide work is challenging right now. The domestics series I’m writing for October still has 7 posts to go before I’m done and only 5 days before the start of the month so I’m feeling pressure to get it done soon. And tomorrow’s newsletter never happened. I just didn’t have a topic so I don’t know what I’ll post yet for that, if anything.

Anyone else surprised that it’s Fall already? I love Fall but I guess summer didn’t feel so summery to me. Huh. Hopefully I’ll love my weather and the falling leaves, the damn ground and the smells that come with Autumn. Yay!

I’m beginning to regret the spending freeze I asked Master if he’d agree to just this morning. My birthday is coming up. Does that mean we don’t get presents? Hmm.



Went to the trainer yesterday. I feel inspired. He’s writing up a fitness plan for me to follow that I can pick up tomorrow. We went through all the machines and figured out the weights I should start out at to reach my goals. I’m apparently stronger than a lot of people who are just starting out with a weight training program because all of the starting weights he put me at (he said he has to start there for all people) were really light. Some of the leg machines I was over 100 lbs. It feels good and reaffirming that I’m healthier in some ways than I thought. He believes that my goal of getting to 300 lbs by May is a good one and doable. I hope so. May isn’t an arbitrary date selection either; my 20 year High School reunion is in the summer sometime and the next local BDSM convention is in May. I want to feel good for both of those.  That will also put me on target for reaching my ultimate goal in a year or so.

And then, I’m a clutz. I just turned my shoulder into Master to have him hold me and kicked his foot with my foot; injuring us both. He might have a bruised toe and I know I do because it cracked pretty painfully. Oh I wish I could learn to be more positionally aware.

So today my body hurts from the weight lifting and I have cramps because well, PMS. Ugh. I’m really trying to relax and accept that my body is going to hurt.  For awhile at least.

To answer your comments from last time, I already take Melatonin at night to sleep. I’ve taken 5mg and 3 mg. They both work great. I know there are higher levels too. The difficulty sleeping is because he’s not there. You can sense when the house is empty. I miss him and it just makes my sleep feel not as productive, I don’t sleep as deeply and I wake up really early. So there’s my sleep problem on the weekends.


Busy Tired

Just got back from my sub forum. One person showed. I realize I’m not in a community that nurtures the type of submissive I aim to cater to but sometimes it hurts knowing I put work into the meeting and only a few attend. I’ve considered stopping them for some time now. I’m not sure yet but the decision has to be made soon.

I went to the Renaissance Fair with my mom this weekend. Met up with Master a few times; he was there with Kiva. I had a great time and the sore feet to prove it. Mom will talk about the day for weeks to come, I’m sure of that.

I really wish I slept better when Master wasn’t here. I take forever to get to sleep and then the slightest noise wakes me up. I think I got about 5 hours of my regular 8 each night. I’m feeling sluggish and tired today.

Tomorrow is my appointment with the personal trainer. I hope that will go well. I’m not looking forward to it as much as I was last week. Perhaps that’s the tiredness talking too. I’ll let you guys know on Wednesday how that goes.

I think I bit off more than I can chew trying to write a 31 days series for Subguide for October. I’ve trimmed out a few days and I am still about 4 posts behind where I’d like to be in the writing phase right now. We’ll see by the end of this week how I’m doing. Nanowrimo is coming up on November and I’ve got to prepare for that also.


Master and I have engaged in a bit of humiliation play that I never thought I’d find sexy. He’s been calling me fat and fatty during sex and play. This is something that a lot of people would have issues with and I think that if I weren’t completely confident that Master loves his slave and the body he possesses I think I’d have issue with it. Tonight Master asked me if it was okay to call me fat and I said as long as it was during sex I think I’d get the gist of it. When he did, he called me fat cunt and that he loved my fat flesh as he fucked me. It was hot, so very hot. He slapped and grabbed at my belly and tits as he said it and I could tell it was really driving him wild.

At one point, he asked me to repeat that I was his fat cunt and gosh it was great. I was so turned on. It made the sex so very satisfying and fun. When we were done and talking again he agreed that it was good and said he couldn’t figure out why he finds it so sexy to call me fat like that but it just is.

Now, I have every intention of working to get healthier and lose weight, but I doubt I’ll ever be skinny. Which means he’ll always have his fat slave to play with. And that brings me joy.

I don’t suggest just anyone try this form of humiliation play, it’s on the more extreme side because it could do some irreparable damage. Master knows this and told me if at any point I felt uncomfortable to let him know and he’d never do it again. But it’s good right now and we’re going to play with it.



Very Little Patience

Wednesday is my errand day. I go to the bank and the grocery store on this day. Today was no different. Sometimes I enjoy shopping and sometimes I don’t. Today was a don’t sort of day. It takes me longer when I don’t want to go shopping than when I do simply because I drag my feet at getting things accomplished. You’d think it was the other way around – that I’d want to hurry to get it done. I know, it is weird.

I also have  very little patience in this mindset. And going to Subway for Master’s lunch was painful. Out of the 3 people there, I think only one of them knew what they were doing. The other’s clearly were in their first few days on the job. They had to keep asking for help and refused to leave their sphere of assigned jobs. The bread cutter, sandwhich prep person, didn’t cross over into the topping person and the till person was glued there instead of washing her hands and helping top sandwiches. So there was a huge bottleneck when the soda machine broke down and the only person there who knew what was going on had to go fix it. The sandwiches just sat there. Seriously annoying.

Then, after lunch I started to feel tired, so I took a nap. Master and I have both been fighting tiredness lately. But the bad thing is when I woke up I was sick, stomach icky and headache just crud. Thankfully it’s subsided now, but I can’t figure out why I was feeling like I did.

Haven’t gone to the gym since Friday. Will be going tomorrow. I am sure that since it’s been so long that there will be a hard workout in store for me. I rescheduled the trainer session for next Tuesday. I’ve got about 15 days left before I reach the end of this goal period to be at 30 mins workouts. I think I can do it. I’m already at 24-28 mins now. Just got to push it a bit more.

Joy commented on a recent blog about using free weights instead of the machines and I agree, I’ll have to learn what will work for my goals. I’ll bring that up on Tuesday.



We fucked in the bathroom at the National Mississippi River Museum. We finally got to go; it was planned for our Anniversary and that didn’t happen. We had a great time looking at the giant cat fish, turtles, alligator, and other fish. Checked out the traveling Titanic exhibit, which was disappointing, and the steamboat museum.

I love museums but I never fucked in one. Heh. Master was surprised when I initiated the idea. Actually fucking in a public place has been a hard one for me and I usually chicken out. Not this time and it was hot. So hot. He came all over my tits at the end and that was fun.

Then I jerked him off in the car on the way home. He loved it all. Called me a dirty slut and we talked about how exciting and fun it was the whole way. Gosh, things like that make me love him more – sounds odd I know. But knowing that we can have a date, enjoy the museum and then still be naughty and sexy and impulsive.

He’s a great man. Can’t get enough of him.

So tomorrow I get to play catch up with work. I have a lot of it to do. I fear I’ll be behind for at least another 4 days but I’ll do my best. I’m also going to have a private training session with the trainer at the gym to help me figure out what my body can do and how to reach my goals quickly and effectively. I’m hoping we’ll go through the weight machines and see what ones I can do and can’t do based in my size. I’m actually concerned that some of them I shouldn’t do because with my size I couldn’t do them right. We’ll see I guess. I keep running in my head answers to the question, “what are my goals?” and they can’t be shared with some trainer… but…

  • I want to be able to jerk Master off with my weaker left hand.
  • I want to be able to kneel for longer than 2 minutes. 
  • I want to fit into the booths at common restaurants and the seats at the theatre.
  • I want to be able to lean forward a bit in the car, which means making room in the seatbelt.
  • I want to be able to masturbate for Master, so he can watch.
  • I want to be able to put in butt toys myself without weird contortions to do so.


Yet, I know I’ll say, to lose wight, feel better and get healthy.


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