Time Warp

Master is gone for the weekend at Kiva’s place.

He informed me last night that they had decided to see each other every weekend on Sunday-Monday. Last I knew they were discussing adding more time but no definitive word to me so I was so shocked to hear that revelation. So, weekends are not for wives. He sees froggy on Saturday and now Kiva on Sunday. He did say he’d skip a day at work on Monday and spend time with me but that would mean he works two extra hours every other day. I just couldn’t ask that of him. Sunday used to be my day but now I have to work through the rest of his time around work stress.

Thank goodness I’m the love of his life and the only woman he’ll ever marry because I don’t think any other monogamous woman would be happy with what I get. The only drive I have now is to continue to learn and grow in the total authority slavery that he wishes and thrives on. Perhaps if I maximize the time with him by giving him what he needs and what I know I can learn to love and enjoy for him then the loss of weekends together will not feel so bad.

However as I look at the calendar that will be set for the Fall, this is my week, or rather my time alone:

Tuesday – Master goes to froggy’s in the afternoon for 2 hours

Wednesday – Master goes bowling with froggy in the evening

Saturday – Master is at froggy’s

Sunday – Master leaves for Kiva’s

Monday – Master gets back from Kiva’s

How do other people do it? How can you feel fulfilled in a relationship that you don’t get to spend all of your time with them that you possibly can? I told him that if this is the way the calendar will look then I’ll want date nights where no contact with the other girls happens and I get special husband and wife time.

So I’m coming up with ways I can spend the time he’s not here and while I’m terrible with socializing I think I might pick up doing some game streaming of Minecraft to idle away the time I’m alone.  I made sure I had some Subguide work to do this weekend to keep myself busy. If I don’t keep busy then I obsess over the fact he’s not here and it hurts. It’s not really that he’s with someone else, but that he’s not here with me. I miss him so bad when we are apart.

This may sound insane but sometimes I wish I didn’t love him as much as I do because then the pain of him being gone wouldn’t be as bad.

–lunaKM

19 comments

  1. Anon’s avatar

    This just doesn’t sound right for you. Big Hugs.

  2. Alexis’s avatar

    I understand what you are going through, although I am on the other side. I entered into a relationship with my master knowing that I was a secondary partner(he has a vanilla relationship with his primary) it was only supposed to be short term but now two years later here I am. All of the feelings you feel are felt by the other people in this relationship as well. That is in no way to negate your feelings at all. I am not jealous of his other partner only that I feel our time together is so short and I wish I could see him more. These are some of the downfalls when you are in love with a terrific Master. I know you say that you are terrible at socializing, however if you found something to devote your time to, especially your alone time, then perhaps you would find other avenues to help you feel special. I know that through your blog and your website, you have helped me greatly with not only my submission, but also with my ability to love myself. I wish you the best, you are an inspiration.

  3. Kittish’s avatar

    This sounds like a situation where YOUR emotional needs are not being met. If that continues for any length of time you will become one very seriously unhappy camper. Your husband/master is willing to make time specifically for every female in his life EXCEPT you? Oh hell no. He doesn’t have time to be equal with everyone he’s maintaining a relationship with? Then at least one of them has to go. It is not fair to YOU to be last on his list for attention and time together.

    You guys need some serious communication here. You HAVE to let him know what you’re thinking and feeling so you BOTH can deal with it and work on solutions. You’re busily talking yourself into the mindset here, though, where communicating YOUR wants and needs is perceived by you as whinging or making his life harder. Um… no? NOT talking to him, NOT letting him know what you’re thinking and feeling is going to wind up making things much, much worse for you both.

    There’s another thing that you and he both need to realize and accept. It’s that you might not be emotionally or intellectually wired to be happy and thrive in the sort of total authority thing he claims to want with you (while apparently ignoring you for these other folks).

    I’m poly, for the record. Not everyone is. Not everyone is able to accept it and cope with it. This does not make you a bad person, it makes you human. Not accepting what you can and can’t deal with and not addressing the issues, however, DOES make HIM a bad person.

    Communication, communication, communication!!! This is THE keystone of a successful relationship.

  4. lunaKM’s avatar

    Kittish – I appreciate your opinion however there are a few things you aren’t seeing because this is just my side of things.

    I tend to write emotionally and negatively. I often write in my blog to whine and complain about how poor I’m feeling at the time. It always makes KnyghtMare look like a bad person. He is not that way. He considers my thoughts and emotions all the time and I am extremely important to him. He shows me all the time. In that calendar, there are plenty of days where he’s here with me since he lives with me. That’s ALL the time he spends with me. And I’m just throwing a temper over the new changes. That’s just how my monogamous mind responds to things.

    He and I communicate just fine. This blog is in fact just another way to communicate. Don’t you worry about us not talking because that never happens. We talk all the time about what’s going on with us.

    I think you may have missed my post a couple posts ago where I talk about the total authority shift that I’m embracing. I suggest you read that before making more comments in that direction. Yes it’s possible that I won’t be able to accept it, but no one knows, including myself, if I don’t try.

  5. Anon’s avatar

    Both your points are valid Luna and let’s be real, while he is home those other days he us working. Those other times he is solely spending time with the others.

  6. lunaKM’s avatar

    Anon – That’s not actually true. froggy has a daughter. Kiva has a husband, a daughter, and another non-sexual poly partner. When he visits them he’s rarely alone with them unless there is a babysitter. But when he’s here at home he’s always alone with me. He’ll drop what he’s doing at work to spend time with me if I need it and honestly we do spend a lot of time together since neither of us work outside the home.

  7. Anon’s avatar

    So why the offer to skip work to spend time together if you are already doing that. We are in a work from home situation as well and it’s never a case where my attention is on Master when working. Never, the focus is on work at a desk.

    This is a hard situation for you and being confrontational is not the intention. It just does sound like you are talking yourself into finding a way to justify a situation where your feelings are being completely disregarded.

    Our relationships are not based on fair and that’s definitely what we look for as subs but when you are also in a marriage that’s based on love, it shouldn’t leave you feeling this way. Poly does work when all parties are happily consensual whether or not both parties are involved in it. This doesn’t seem to be the case here.

  8. lunaKM’s avatar

    Anon – My work is Subguide. His work is freelance. We make the hours so if he wants to stop in the middle of the day and go out to lunch or fuck we do that.

    You are right, fair isn’t a part of the exchange and the marriage came after the exchange. That’s the most important part. If that fails the marriage won’t keep us together.

    KM knows deep down how I feel about the poly and he supports me as best he can. I can’t change who he is, just as he can’t change who I am. So we make the best of it.

  9. Anon’s avatar

    If this is the place you want to be in, then here is hoping you find peace. Rooting for you.

  10. Kittish’s avatar

    I saw the post you’re referring to. I’ve also gone back in your archives and read a lot of the posts there.

    It seems to me that if you feel the need to write negatively as frequently as you do here, then maybe you SHOULD re-examine the situation that just keeps right on generating all this negative emotion. I know this is just tiny little snapshots into your life, and only from your perspective, but being outside it looking in, one thing jumps out at me. You are not happy. You’re not getting any happier. The reverse, in fact. All of the stuff about embracing his total authority seriously comes across as someone desperately trying to convince herself that, since this is how they’ve been told they should feel that come hell or high water they’re going to feel that way. Regardless of how genuine that feeling is, or how miserable they make themselves trying to achieve it.

    So, you and your husband talk. Does he actually have any productive suggestions about dealing with the issues you have regarding his other relationships? Or simply wait til you’re done venting and say something along the lines of “There, there, give it time, it’ll get better soon”?

    So you moved to be closer to his other partner. Then, at some point yet another partner has been added to the mix, which has caused even more issues for you. I mean, seriously, if your husband cared THAT much about you, he’d have held off adding more people to your relationship until you and he had worked out matters between you. What’s next?

  11. KB’s avatar

    I am monogamous, being trained by someone who is poly. I don’t, and probably won’t ever, understand, how poly relationships work well long-term.
    For me, the most disturbing fact in all of this is that you are his wife. And to me, that trumps both the other two women he has added.

    I agree with Anon, if this is what you really want (misery, no time spent just with him outside of work hours, constant battles), then by all means, I hope you find peace.

    I also agree with Kittish; from what we read here, you sound miserable, and consistently miserable. Your sex life tanked (from what I recall, it re-ignited only when the ‘novelty’ of a new person was added to your marriage), your weight and diet are a constant battle (which is a source of stress, and a drain on your mental and emotional resources, that he should be attentive to). I spent six years trying a lifestyle that I was attracted to, really truly desperately wanted, and in which I figured “I’ll never know if I can be, if I don’t try.” It was awful. A miserable, terrible mess. At a certain point, I simply could not eat due to stress, and trying to made me vomit.

    If KM is truly not the “terrible person” you admit you make him sound like in your posts (they’re your posts, so you can make him sound like whatever you want to, after all :) ), please try to understand that those of us who read here frequently, and whom you have helped grow through your work on SubGuide, care about you. And we are concerned, because it really does seem like KM is mixing up his priorities. You are his wife–you deserve to be treated like one. Whether your lifestyle or dynamic is vanilla, BDSM, chocolate, raspberry, or lemon-orange-cranberry-flavored, you still deserve to have your mental and emotional needs met by your partner, to be treated like a loved and cherished wife, not just a recalcitrant sub who doesn’t perform to expectations.

    My two cents.

  12. Piratestan’s avatar

    I’ve refrained from posting anything, but reading post after post about how sad you are has caused me to reconsider.

    From this and other things you’ve written of late it sounds an awful lot like he’s finished with you and he’s just saying what he has to say to keep you hooked.

    Being poly is like being kinky, or gay, or straight. You can’t be “made” poly anymore than gay people can be “made” straight. You either are or you aren’t. Anyone can see you’re in the latter category. All of the poly people I know are very happy. The primary (that’d be you) especially.

    I read your responses to people’s posts and all I can see is “Cleopatra: Queen of Denial”. Your needs are clearly not being met, not even close.

    Your low self-esteem is making you come to justification after justification as to his bad behavior. You simply don’t think you could do any better. Truth is, you could, and should. You deserve someone who’ll make you the center of their universe, as they are to you.

  13. RM’s avatar

    You can’t change who he is, but you can take charge of the fact that a miserable, lonely sub is not providing happy service. A persistent feeling of desperation and sadness is no way to conduct any relationship. He knows how you feel about the polyamory. I think a monogamous person and a polyamorous person can in fact be in a healthy relationship together IF the primary partner’s needs are met in a way that makes them feel happy, safe, and secure. I’ve read many of your posts, and even though you don’t mean them to sound this way, they sound like you are scrambling to find a way to please him in any way you can, in a way that is straining you more and more. If you go into Total Authority, please have an escape plan. I just feel like with the way you are always blogging in a manner where you are negative and feel like you aren’t good enough, there is a real you don’t feel good enough, and almost none of it has to do with you. I just feel like from what I’ve read this will eventually became a ‘bag and bail’ situation where one day you wait for him to leave the house, throw all your belongings into a bag, and you run away.

    You have so much heart, so much love, so much passion, and your submission and willingness to learn and grow is inspiring and helpful and beautiful, but when tons of people, over and over, tell you that something sounds deeply wrong, it may be the time to take a hard but necessary look at everything and reassess what is going on and what you’re allowing. Because, despite that we choose this lifestyle, real slavery isn’t legal, and you can do whatever you feel the need to do in order to make yourself happy and loved.

    I also wonder if you feel like you can’t make more of these decisions because one of your closest friends also happens to be his sexual partner, and losing him might mean losing her friendship. Once poly becomes a relationship facet, that is a very real emotional thing to deal with.

    This does not mean that he’s a bad man. He may understand the web he’s weaving or he may not. He may be plunged so deeply into the lifestyle that he’s forgetting what truly matters. But it really sounds like he’s using manipulation and abuse to do things that are not healthy for you, and he’s supposed to be taking care of you. There is supposed to be trust. If you ‘trust’ that he won’t give you as much time as you need to be with him, then something is wrong. It seems like so many Doms use negative emotions to control, when some subs need positive reinforcement to provide service. I don’t think subs should be feeling disappointed in themselves as often as a lot of them do.

    When you do anything hard, you become strained, and it hurts, and you may be sore afterwards, but if it’s a positive and helpful experience, you should feel stronger afterwards, not broken down. Over training, stress, and pushing yourself beyond your measure in anything, whether it be love, art, sports, etc. will leave you with physical and mental injuries, will leave you battered down and with a lot of negative emotions.

    Maybe a good idea would be to go to a marriage counselor for a while. Put a hold on the poly aspect of things. If he cherishes and respects the marriage aspect of this, then he should be willing to not have sex with other partners for even a month or two so you can both refocus, decompress, and communicate more clearly. You can find a modern, open minded counselor who is willing to listen to all the facets of your marriage and take them all into consideration.

    Reconsidering your marriage doesn’t mean you don’t love each other. It means you DO love each other, and are trying to figure out if the marriage is really working for both of you.

    People fuck up. Lines are crossed. Feelings are hurt. But you sound so sad all the time, and then when you get replied to, excuses are made and explanations are given for his behavior and why you write in the tone you do.

    I am also rooting for this to all work out, and I know personally very frustrating and impossible situations can get so much better. But I also think it sounds like total authority is you pressing yourself to conform to the desires of a man who won’t even be with you and only you on your anniversary.

    I have a poly heart but have learned that it’s not good for most people, and so I took it upon myself to not try to introduce that into relationships anymore in any fashion if the other person is monogamous. I know, when I try to see things from his side, that when you are polyamorous you do struggle to find the time to equally be with everyone and to make people feel appreciated, but honestly I just don’t know if it works unless you are all living together and chill with that, or if one person doesn’t desire as much attention.

    I’m not sure taking on so many partners was the best decision, and this is another reason that even though I have a poly heart, I just steer clear anymore. Every time you take on a partner, you may eventually have to break up with someone in order to focus more on your previous partners. If he can’t handle this many subs and keep them all happy and feeling fulfilled and satisfied with how much time he spends with them, then he needs to take responsibility as a Dom and perhaps not have so many partners. If he doesn’t, he could find himself getting bailed on by any number of people.

    Knowing that a partner won’t leave you is a dangerous power to have over someone. When I saw someone explain to you that poly is like having different cars, I cringed inside, because I don’t think it’s that at all. I’m capable of falling in love with and being in equal love with several people at once. It’s not to have a different flavor, a different toy. It’s polyAMORY, plural love, which means that love and care needs to be very present for each person, and if a partner is sad that they don’t get enough attention and that situation isn’t being rectified, then polyamory should not be engaged in.

    You moved to be closer to his other partner. You don’t get him on weekends. You don’t get him entirely on your anniversary. You can’t try to be happy with this. You’re not happy with it. And while marriage isn’t all about being happy all the time, you have to consider if you’ll be okay with this situation for literally the rest of your life. Are you willing to let him be with his other partners every single anniversary? Every single weekend he wishes to leave?

    I am absolutely not saying to end the relationship. But perhaps spending some time at a relative’s house and getting some space to see what happens and then trying out some counseling could be helpful.

  14. KB’s avatar

    I agree with this as well. It doesn’t sound like polyamory as much as it sounds like he’s using the name polyamory as an excuse to cheat on you, and Total Authority as a way to make sure you don’t complain about it.

  15. Jenn’s avatar

    Yes, it was not unnoticed that this total authority came up right before the Kiva weekend thing did. My Master called that one the when he read it.

  16. Anon’s avatar

    Reach out if you want to talk privately. This must be hard.

  17. cumal’s avatar

    when i had first started communicating with Master, i made it very very clear that i was monogamous and that i was in no way interested in poly. he agreed with me and said that he was monogamous as well. i may be his slave, but if he had later down the road wanted to stay and play with other, women, he can have them, but he would not have me. it would break my heart, but i wouldnt put up with it. i would give fair warning and then be gone. you are number 1 here not the others. if anyone should make adjustments, it should be them not you. i hope everything works out for you.

  18. SapphireRose’s avatar

    Hi luna,
    You have seemed so unhappy for quite a while now. I want you to remember that there are lots of people, real and virtual, that care about you and are rooting for you.

  19. Nice Anon’s avatar

    I am in a poly relationship, presently there are 5 of us, 2 primary partners at the top, both Dominant in their own right, she submits to him occasionally, next tier down, there are us 3 (2 females, 1 male = 2 slaves and 1 switch) At any one time, people may come and go in between. It is a long standing poly relationship.

    The main thing I want to say, as honestly poly in itself is a years worth of writing. .

    Is, when I am not the one serving or being with the 2 I serve, I utilise my time not on things like mind craft, I refuse to dwell (that just makes me think ” ” more) So, I take that time to improve myself or my service. I am currently learning how to do a full body massage. It does not mean spending money, joining classes to learn (though the latter is useful). I practice positions, at the moment I am making myself or attempting too, re flexibility, so I can stay tied for longer or suffer more. I am reading more extensively re IE and TPE, how to lay a table properly, I might even look into silver service, how to make a special dish I know they love, read up on wines, 1 million and 1 things. It gives me that connection to them, when not with me or vice verso AND my service improves.

    I spent a week looking up re giving better blow jobs once lol, how to deep throat better. I can tell you Master was impressed with that one for sure. So I utilise my time in many ways. (and I work full time, 40 hrs +, run my own house etc) Sometimes I ask them for something they feel I need to focus on more and I will work through that. I do have a life, yet there are always enough hours in my day to do all of this and still sleep at night.

    All of this will make me a better serving slave for when I am with them and generally a better person.

    I am in an IE, TPE relationship, my limits are imposed by them, I do not make decisions on what I will or won`t do, They won`t harm me, I am safe. I personally find it much more freeing too, to be like this.

    Once you let go, however terrifying it is, it truly opens up Pandora’s Box to a whole lot of emotions, surrendering will and self, sufferance.

    I think you mention rimming in the past as something you struggle with, things that take us out of our comfort zone, these are the ones, where I often think we truly submit.

    Tis easy to do the things we love in the name of service/surrender and submission. It`s the toughies were we truly can shine and with those you may find your levels of servitude increase.

    When I next see my Bosses, I hope to have worked enough on massage, its a way of connecting with them on another level, it`s calming/relaxing and I get to touch them, lol, win win, I think?

    Please just think about spending your time when not with your Master, on something constructive, be it in or out of service, to improve yourself, exercise levels? to read a wider selection of books. Anything really.

    You may well find it helps those periods of times, another is serving him and wow when he is with you, he will notice a difference, especially now you are entering a different dynamic.

    I wish you the best of luck luna Xx

    Nice anon

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