Tomorrow at noon my restrictions will be lifted. I’m anxious to be able to return to my normal pursuits but very aware that I have atoned and hopefully atoned well.
The stress and tension we feel in the house right now is money related and yet again I hate that while self employment is perfect for Master, the unreliability of a regular payday sets my nerves on edge a lot. It is my hope to some day be able to set up a fund so that we don’t have to pray for payment and can actually relax. Although, with the need of a new car and the financing it will require, I again have to knuckle down with the budget and figure out new ways to do that.
Of the shift in our relationship, it’s been quiet. I assume it’s because I’m in punishment and because of the stresses outside the power exchange. I have no doubt that things will resume and I’ll be again learning what it means to fully surrender to Master in ways I never thought I would be ready to do. It’s exciting and scary. Part of me feels at peace when I think of it, the part of me that submits wholly, but the masochistic part of me shivers in fear and apprehension. I don’t know how much of that I can bear. The edges that are soft smudges now, will eventually be limned vibrantly I’m sure. And in that I will have found new boundaries – the real boundaries.
I’ve just completed the 3rd book in the series I started at the beginning of my punishment. Master marked that he thought I read faster than that and I do, with books that I don’t want to savor. But these tales I love and have read numerous times without tiring of them. It’s quite lovely. I don’t think I will continue with the next trilogy though as they weren’t as good, in my opinion, but it could also be because I like a female heroine. (shrugs)
This week of restrictions has been hard, not only because of what’s been removed but of what I’ve had to focus on. I know that I was in the wrong, I know that I pushed myself too far and should have used my safeword long before my anger rose to strike him. I don’t doubt that he will forgive me; he is a loving man, but I also know that I have a lot of work before his trust will be that what it was. And perhaps more the reason he’s been hesitant to push me this week.
Things of note that I have noticed that used to be different is he’s far less likely to say please or ask me to do things, but rather order them. Curtly. Smartly. Directly. It chaffs at me a bit since he’s so adamant that I’m polite and respectful. I have mentioned it to him and he has noted it. Nothing more. In sex he’s less caring of my responses if pain is the goal. As I mentioned he likes suffering and pushing my pain limits from pleasurable to me to excruciating, if only for his pleasure. The look on his face when he does this tells me he’s connecting deeply with something I’ve only seen in shadow. But it is so hard.
Like this morning during sex he pinched my nipples so hard that it went from pleasurable, endurable pain to dear god just let go already. So much so that when he went to try to bring me to orgasm it was like starting from the beginning and not half throttled. The level of pain that brought him such pleasure is a turn off for me. And I guess that’s what suffering would really be. If I enjoyed it, how could that be suffering, really?
Master leaves for Kiva’s on Friday afternoon and I’ll have the weekend to myself. It’s to be a normal occurrence now, but this time I’ll have more entertainment to occupy my time. I do hope my headache does not make a reappearance. That would suck. I have a checklist of things I’d like to accomplish, yet again. It should do me some good.