July 2015

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I’ve got a weekend of cleaning and game playing planned. Master released me from my restrictions and it feels good to have atoned.

When I finally had computer access I noticed that my period calendar, yes I use an ipad app, said I was 3 days late. Which brings an angst every single time. Of course I knew that we’ve both been in a lot of stress so I wasn’t too terrified. Thankfully it’s started so that stress is gone.

That’s really about it for me right now.


Tomorrow at noon my restrictions will be lifted. I’m anxious to be able to return to my normal pursuits but very aware that I have atoned and hopefully atoned well.

The stress and tension we feel in the house right now is money related and yet again I hate that while self employment is perfect for Master, the unreliability of a regular payday sets my nerves on edge a lot. It is my hope to some day be able to set up a fund so that we don’t have to pray for payment and can actually relax. Although, with the need of a new car and the financing it will require, I again have to knuckle down with the budget and figure out new ways to do that.

Of the shift in our relationship, it’s been quiet. I assume it’s because I’m in punishment and because of the stresses outside the power exchange. I have no doubt that things will resume and I’ll be again learning what it means to fully surrender to Master in ways I never thought I would be ready to do. It’s exciting and scary. Part of me feels at peace when I think of it, the part of me that submits wholly, but the masochistic part of me shivers in fear and apprehension. I don’t know how much of that I can bear. The edges that are soft smudges now, will eventually be limned vibrantly I’m sure. And in that I will have found new boundaries – the real boundaries.

I’ve just completed the 3rd book in the series I started at the beginning of my punishment. Master marked that he thought I read faster than that and I do, with books that I don’t want to savor. But these tales I love and have read numerous times without tiring of them. It’s quite lovely. I don’t think I will continue with the next trilogy though as they weren’t as good, in my opinion, but it could also be because I like a female heroine. (shrugs)

This week of restrictions has been hard, not only because of what’s been removed but of what I’ve had to focus on. I know that I was in the wrong, I know that I pushed myself too far and should have used my safeword long before my anger rose to strike him. I don’t doubt that he will forgive me; he is a loving man, but I also know that I have a lot of work before his trust will be that what it was. And perhaps more the reason he’s been hesitant to push me this week.

Things of note that I have noticed that used to be different is he’s far less likely to say please or ask me to do things, but rather order them. Curtly. Smartly. Directly. It chaffs at me a bit since he’s so adamant that I’m polite and respectful. I have mentioned it to him and he has noted it. Nothing more. In sex he’s less caring of my responses if pain is the goal. As I mentioned he likes suffering and pushing my pain limits from pleasurable to me to excruciating, if only for his pleasure. The look on his face when he does this tells me he’s connecting deeply with something I’ve only seen in shadow. But it is so hard.

Like this morning during sex he pinched my nipples so hard that it went from pleasurable, endurable pain to dear god just let go already. So much so that when he went to try to bring me to orgasm it was like starting from the beginning and not half throttled. The level of pain that brought him such pleasure is a turn off for me. And I guess that’s what suffering would really be. If I enjoyed it, how could that be suffering, really?

Master leaves for Kiva’s on Friday afternoon and I’ll have the weekend to myself. It’s to be a normal occurrence now, but this time I’ll have more entertainment to occupy my time. I do hope my headache does not make a reappearance. That would suck. I have a checklist of things I’d like to accomplish, yet again. It should do me some good.



I just finished the 2nd book in the “Kushiel’s Dart” Trilogy. At this rate I’ll be done with the 3rd book by tomorrow’s end. Of course I do have other things to do tomorrow that will likely get in the way of that.

I had another migraine on Sunday so today was a recovery day. Tomorrow, I am going to try to do the things I had planned to do over the weekend. Some cleaning was definitely on that list. And, if I feel inspired, some writing. This weekend was meant to be spent working and cleaning as I had a lot of time to myself and no tv/internet to entertain me. Instead I spent the bulk of it sleeping off a horrible headache.

Master is back from Kiva’s and is hard at work, as always. Time is always pressing near the end of the month. He tries to wrap up all loose ends so that he can submit a clean invoice. I don’t envy the work he does. Mine is more creative and flexible – even if I have a timetable I try to keep. I don’t credit him enough, but he works so hard so that I don’t have to work outside the home, so that he can have the dream of me serving him whenever his whim affords it. And even though we’ve run into huge financial hurdle of late, I still have confidence that we’ll survive this together.

On top of that money stress we need a new car. Mine is costing us monthly now to maintain (it’s a 2000 model year) and that cost could sure go towards a newer car instead. While we do intend to keep the old car, with infrequent use it will need less expensive maintenance I feel. Only time will tell on that one.  I’m currently experiencing a loud knocking sound in the trunk area and the muffler has gotten a bit louder. Not been to the tech yet but dreading hearing something about my suspension which is quite obviously needing replaced. Maybe it’s just the muffler brackets causing my exhaust pipe to bounce up and hit the frame? I dunno. I’m not a car person. Ugh.

But whatever. This punishment phase feels like it’s lasting forever and Master sure knows what will make me reflect the most and regret what I did. I don’t know when I got so reliant on digital stuff for entertainment but I’m sorely hurting now for things to do that I actually WANT to do.


My punishment for flying off the handle and hitting Master is:

  • 10 hard strikes with the frat paddle (done)
  • 1 week without computer or tv unless it has to do with work (subguide). Exceptions include this blog and my workout videos.

It’s going to be a long weekend with Master gone at Kiva’s. I’m doing my best to save some work for the weekend to keep me busy. I’m also considering knitting, reading books and hell, even housework to keep me busy. Otherwise, stir crazy.

I’ve pulled out my books already and started re-reading for like the 5 time the “Kushiel’s Dart” Series by Jacqueline Cary. It’s full of political intrigue in a fictional world build around medieval alter-Europe with whorehouses being a sacred religious center of the world. The heroine in the story is an anguisette – which is she’s a pure masochist chosen one of the god’s to suffer for pleasure. Definitely worth it.

Other than that I haven’t anything to add today.

Maximus, my old grandpa kitty, went to the vet yesterday. His blood work came back pretty good. His kidney function, which many of you may recall is declining and he’s considered as having chronic kidney disease, hasn’t gone down at all so that’s fantastic news. He has lost 2 lbs in the last 6 months so we are increasing his food intake. Otherwise he’s got normal numbers for an old cat. I also asked about his issue with still vomiting since that’s become a regular occurrence and we believe it’s related to stomach acid. So, on top of the potassium supplement he takes, I have to give him half a tablet of Pepcid AC.

My kitties are my babies and I worry about him getting older and sicker, but I know that right now he’s still a happy cat and we can support him until he tells me that it’s time to leave. Which is hard to even write. I love them that much.

Hermes, the new baby, is a huge ball of energy. It’s a joy to watch him play and explore and hunt.

Loki is Loki. He’s my cuddle buddy and my snuggle slut. For those of you who don’t know, he’s my dog-cat. So much dog in a cat body. It’s adorable!

Well, so on to other things, I’m not closing my blog. I’ll moderate comments pretty judiciously and if I don’t like what you’ve said, then it won’t get posted. I’m usually pretty open-minded and I understand you all have opinions but I won’t put up with sideshow therapy sessions, or counselling. You are not living my life. You only get a glimpse. That peephole you get is very small.

Tomorrow Master decides my punishment for hitting him. I have no doubt that it will be very uncomfortable. My last punishment a few months ago involved oatmeal and water diet for a week (since I can’t eat bread).  I got dinner, but the rest of my meals were oatmeal. I am not interested in oatmeal any more. Ugh. So, if I feel like sharing, you all will know what I’m sentenced too on Friday.

In other news, Master and froggy have ended their relationship. It’s not my story to tell on how that happened or why but it does change a bit of how things work here. It had nothing to do with my whining about the schedule. This was completely independent of that. I’m doing my best to help Master grieve the end of a long term relationship. He’s pretty sad about the whole thing and I know how painful it is.

And now we are living in a place we don’t have to be anymore. So, it’s very likely we’ll be moving back to the area we were a year ago. Next year when the lease is up. Just the idea of packing again is a dread.

That’s about it for today. Check back Friday.


My head is killing me. I woke up with a migraine, took meds and within 30 mins threw up. So I waited the required 2 hours before I took more and within an hour, I threw up again. I’m hoping that the amount absorbed is enough, but it isn’t looking like it. I’m still at a pain level of about 7/10. So I took some Excedrin Migraine. I’ll know in about 40 mins if that helps.

Last night didn’t go well. I hit Master. Slapped him right across the face during sex/pain times. I’m not sure if he hit a trigger or I wasn’t in the right head space. I can’t, for the life of me, figure out why I didn’t safeword before it came to that. He’s furious. Close to relationship ending sort of mad. I’m still awaiting punishment. This won’t be good.

This is bad. Really bad. Part of the reason I wasn’t feeling right is because of the comments I’ve been getting on my blog. So I’m considering two things: closing comments or making my blog private. I know you all mean well but when it starts to affect my relationship with KnyghtMare something has to change. You can’t possibly know what is going on here fully. I’ve not been blogging here as often to share that. And when I do write it is to get something off my chest. Why write when things are going well. Hmm? So those long gaps on my blogging? Those are ALL good times. Great times. Master is a fantastic guy who cares for me and protects me and makes sure I have what I need. He bends over backward for me. It’s clear that when I’m griping and writing here that I don’t paint him as a good guy but you are just the anonymous internet. I don’t need to serve you. I serve him.

But perhaps my story isn’t meant for the world anymore.


Time Warp

Master is gone for the weekend at Kiva’s place.

He informed me last night that they had decided to see each other every weekend on Sunday-Monday. Last I knew they were discussing adding more time but no definitive word to me so I was so shocked to hear that revelation. So, weekends are not for wives. He sees froggy on Saturday and now Kiva on Sunday. He did say he’d skip a day at work on Monday and spend time with me but that would mean he works two extra hours every other day. I just couldn’t ask that of him. Sunday used to be my day but now I have to work through the rest of his time around work stress.

Thank goodness I’m the love of his life and the only woman he’ll ever marry because I don’t think any other monogamous woman would be happy with what I get. The only drive I have now is to continue to learn and grow in the total authority slavery that he wishes and thrives on. Perhaps if I maximize the time with him by giving him what he needs and what I know I can learn to love and enjoy for him then the loss of weekends together will not feel so bad.

However as I look at the calendar that will be set for the Fall, this is my week, or rather my time alone:

Tuesday – Master goes to froggy’s in the afternoon for 2 hours

Wednesday – Master goes bowling with froggy in the evening

Saturday – Master is at froggy’s

Sunday – Master leaves for Kiva’s

Monday – Master gets back from Kiva’s

How do other people do it? How can you feel fulfilled in a relationship that you don’t get to spend all of your time with them that you possibly can? I told him that if this is the way the calendar will look then I’ll want date nights where no contact with the other girls happens and I get special husband and wife time.

So I’m coming up with ways I can spend the time he’s not here and while I’m terrible with socializing I think I might pick up doing some game streaming of Minecraft to idle away the time I’m alone.  I made sure I had some Subguide work to do this weekend to keep myself busy. If I don’t keep busy then I obsess over the fact he’s not here and it hurts. It’s not really that he’s with someone else, but that he’s not here with me. I miss him so bad when we are apart.

This may sound insane but sometimes I wish I didn’t love him as much as I do because then the pain of him being gone wouldn’t be as bad.


Ok folks, why didn’t someone tell me that yesterday was Wednesday! I completely forgot to write here and was told very firmly by Master late last night that I had better do it first thing. Now the cats are crying because they are hungry and I’ve not even had some coffee but here I am. Making sure I get it done. I think I might have to set alarms or something until it becomes habit again.

So, not a good start here. Opps.

I have noticed Master being more firm in his requests for things and less… affectionate? I guess that’s the words I’d use. It’s not that he isn’t affectionate and loving, but that his requests are now commands. That’s it. They feel different to receive since I’m used to a much more gentle touch but the point of this whole thing is for him to be himself and to exert the control he feels is natural to him. I’m to learn to adapt and grow in that.

I get really frustrated when I forget a simple rule, like saying “Thank you Master,” “Yes, please, Master,” His title has to be included in responses, questions and frequently in conversation. And I tend to leave it out because I’m looking right at him after all. He knows his title, why should I have to say it. Uh-huh, that sort of thing is creeping in a lot.

I have to say it because that is what he wants. It’s as simple as that. I never thought I’d feel like a novice again after so many years, but some of these things make me shaking my head and feeling so brand new to the whole idea of submission.

I’ve been doing this for over 10 years, you’d think I had this down pat. But I’ve been doing something slightly different for 10 years, not this exactly and that’s the learning curve. He’s being flexible right now but has prepared me for down the road when he feels I should have “it” by now that punishment and correction will happen. He expects total obedience.

And not just that, he expects it to bring out happiness, pleasure and joy in me. He doesn’t want a robot or a sad slave just going through the motions.  This is going to be very hard work to achieve. Not everything I do is pleasant and some of his requests I’m sure are going to be icky to me. Finding the joy in it for alternate reasons is going to have to be my key to working it for him.

So far his requests have mostly centered around sex, sex play and orgasms. I think he’s doing that mostly because I find sex fun (who doesn’t) and it might be easier for me to process the new commands. Although, I’m finding an unusual hang up for when he requests me to go masturbate and have x number of orgasms but he’s not even there. He’s not watching me do it so what pleasure is there for him in that. I mean sure I like orgasms and I’ll go masturbate but I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around how the control and the fact that I just went and did that is hot for him and fulfilling. That’s what I have to figure out to find peace in this whole exchange.

Why can’t because he likes it like that be enough for me?


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