June 2015

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I’m doing a bit better now that there has been some time to think about things and to really connect with Master. There’s been a lot of talking and expressing ourselves and that always helps me see things differently. The comments I got were a lot what I expected.  I’m emotional and my mind doesn’t form thoughts well when I’m upset so when I write I don’t convey things as clearly. I’m also make Master look like a douchebag and he really isn’t.

He told me that Joy described how he sees poly perfectly and I have to admit that I don’t feel like less of a person all the time. In moments of weakness and jealousy I get overly possessive of his time and we’d just been through a rough time during Mischief in May that I was still recovering from. I’m not talking about what happened then as it’s not really my story to tell. Needless to say it was stressful.

I really have no major complaints about how Master cares for me. Sometimes I wish he was monogamous or would treat me like when we were monogamous. But that’s no longer possible. Yes he likely stretches himself thin on occasion, especially when all three of us are having emotional issues at the same time like last Thursday.  That’s right. I wasn’t the only one having a melt down which explains some of why he refused to halt all communication with the others.

I got a few hours of private time with him. It was nice.

Since then we’ve been able to reconnect and it’s been great. Times like this I forget why I was mad or felt unimportant to begin with. I guess we’ll have to keep talking and keep working through my issues.

–lunaKM

I’ve never been shy to tell people that there are kinky topics that I just don’t understand and can’t fathom the depth of them. One of them is littles and their relationships with their partners. I just can’t understand how they work or why. It’s been described and elaborated on with me many times. I read about it from other authors frequently. It just doesn’t click for me. I don’t get that aha moment of understanding. It’s not that I don’t accept them and I have friends who are littles. I just don’t hide from them the fact that I don’t understand how to be a little or how that works. It doesn’t make me any less of a kinky person or an educator of BDSM. In fact it makes me more human I think, that I can admit that there are some things I just can’t understand.

Perhaps I’m realizing poly is one of them. I’m not poly. I identify as monogamous – in case you didn’t know. And while the progression for KnyghtMare to have other relationships has been slow and consensual the entire way, I think I have to admit that I still don’t understand how that works and where I fit in that. My monogamous mind is constantly in conflict with the way his poly mind works and that’s the cause of many of our current arguments pertaining to his other relationships and how I feel.

He’s never given me cause to believe that I’m any less important to him. His behavior has shifted, yes, but to him I’m still important. I’m the only one he will ever marry. He told me he only makes that sort of decision once. He wants to grow old with me. I believe him that his love for me is deep and that our relationship is woven into each other’s world so much that we can’t be apart. It’s that strong.

And yet my monogamous mind just can’t see that the just because he has other relationships doesn’t make me less important. I crave to be the primary, the top, the most special and given a place of honor. But his mind doesn’t work that way. He doesn’t see his relationships as levels. Sure we have more history than the others do, and sure he can never promise them that they will be together forever as he did me on our wedding day, but that doesn’t make me any more important to him.

This is just something that a monogamous person has to wrestle with when their partner is poly. We spent our Anniversary arguing and talking about all of these things and I hope that I can remember much of what he said because he’s the rational mind in this relationship and he is the one I’m trying desperately to understand. He can’t explain what poly means to him, what how it works in his head but I have asked him to think on it and help me to understand.

Sure people tell me that this is an unhealthy relationship and yes, right now I’d agree. But I’ve not given up. I’m fighting to understand because I know it can work. I would tell people who contact me with this situation but feel that they are at there wits end that perhaps this relationship is at an end. But I’m not at my wits end. I just need to find an explanation that works for me and a way I can process how things are working.

He’s said that I’m his wife, that no one else will wear that title. But he also says that doesn’t make me more special than the others, just the one with the most history and the foundation of who he is. I guess, in my mind that is where I need to be special. Sure I’m his wife but if that’s no more special than his submissive or his girlfriend/submissive why should I feel that wife is any different? I dunno.

It’s a long hard path that I have to travel. It’s painful, to be sure. But the best relationships are not just perfect. They work together to provide balance. We shall seek that balance again. I have no doubt. Until then, I expect to have more difficult posts ahead.

–lunaKM

I miss you

I miss you

I miss the you before we got married, before the poly changed you

I miss being able to spend time with you and not share your focus with others

I miss being able to talk to you and not see your phone interrupt us

I miss you

I miss being able to go off for a day and not have to check in with anyone

I miss not having to schedule dates just so I can eat out with my husband

I miss  private time together

I miss whole weekends together

I miss you

I miss feeling like I’m the light of your life and the warm space in your heart

I feel crowded out, squeezed tight with only a sliver remaining

I miss feeling secure

I miss being the only one

I miss you

 

I know none of these things are intended and that you do everything you can to make me feel special. You’ve said the words over and over again that I’m special and that you think of me all the time and can’t think of your life without me in it. But poly is hard and it hurts. So much more than I can bear to share.

I asked you for a whole day without the others in your life

our Anniversary

and you can’t even give me that.

They expect things from you, you say. They can’t go a day without you, you say.

I am far less important than I thought, I say.

 

I miss you.

 

This is all just a lot of heated rambling, but I had to get it off my chest. You’ve heard it all before.

I love you. More than words could ever express. You are my world and I’d drop everyone who stood in my way to be with you. No one is more important than you. Happy Anniversary Master. I hope we can spend some real time together, just you and me.

–lunaKM