The weekend that I was sick with the cold was Master’s visit to Ms Kiva’s place so I dropped him off at the bus stop on Friday and basically just slept for the weekend. I had planned so many things before the cold attacked me but none of that happened. I am finally finally getting better.
Reconciling Master’s new relationship has been challenging. The main reason for that has been that he doesn’t get anything from her that he can’t get from us (froggy and I) in a relationship sense. They are great friends and connect on a friendship level far deeper than he and I can just because we don’t have similar likes and dislikes. After a lot of heart searching I figured it out and I’m less stressed about the whole thing. Here’s what I think; Master isn’t getting anything from Ms Kiva really but she’s getting a lot from him. She has a need to explore sexual submission and trusts Master with her exploration. He’s serving her needs instead of her serving his.
The first weekend he spent down there with her was hard on me. I remember crying a few times during the weekend, mainly because I hadn’t figured out what purpose she served for him other than more pussy. And yeah that’s harsh but that’s what I was thinking at the time. Now that I know a bit more and I’ve figured out a reason for the relationship I feel much better about it all.
To think back on the whole experience thus far I blame a lot of the discomfort I felt on NRE (new relationship energy). He was in that hyper sexual excited space with Ms Kiva and that left me chilling in the wings waiting for him to notice me again. It’s not that he intended to do that or even knew he was acting that way, because NRE has a tunnel focus and for awhile attention for me was difficult. He even had problems with sex for a time. Like he couldn’t get it to work, couldn’t emotionally connect and so our sex suffered.
I’d been through this before when he started a relationship with froggy but that doesn’t any less difficult. Sure I could recognize it faster, but the distance was still felt. He’s back for the most part I think. Our relationship is still strong (always was) and we’re able to connect to each other like we used to.
NRE sucks for the primary partner. It really does. Especially if you are like me and don’t feel joy for your partner’s newfound relationship. I don’t have compersion. I don’t identify as poly myself so it’s just harder on me to see the purpose or need for other partners.
Now, Master and I did need to open the relationship for play way back when because our relationship was suffering when he wasn’t getting his sadistic streak fed often our intensely enough. That’s when froggy entered the picture. It did develop from there but she started as a play partner. And it healed our relationship immensely. We were able to connect intensely without his ache for the edgy sadistic stuff that I can’t do. I’m a masochist but not in the same realm as Master needs often enough.
It can happen, of course, when you learn about BDSM and grow together as a couple and as individuals. Often this can lead to an end of the relationship. But if you open the relationship it can save things. I can’t see my life without Master. I’m with him through thick and thin.
And no matter what, I’m devoted to him. He knows his limits as far as further relationships go. I can’t handle him collaring anyone else. That level of relationship is reserved.
So that’s what’s on my mind tonight.