April 2015

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NRE and Poly

The weekend that I was sick with the cold was Master’s visit to Ms Kiva’s place so I dropped him off at the bus stop on Friday and basically just slept for the weekend. I had planned so many things before the cold attacked me but none of that happened. I am finally¬†finally getting better.

Reconciling Master’s new relationship has been challenging. The main reason for that has been that he doesn’t get anything from her that he can’t get from us (froggy and I) in a relationship sense. They are great friends and connect on a friendship level far deeper than he and I can just because we don’t have similar likes and dislikes. After a lot of heart searching I figured it out and I’m less stressed about the whole thing. Here’s what I think; Master isn’t getting anything from Ms Kiva really but she’s getting a lot from him. She has a need to explore sexual submission and trusts Master with her exploration. He’s serving her needs instead of her serving his.

The first weekend he spent down there with her was hard on me. I remember crying a few times during the weekend, mainly because I hadn’t figured out what purpose she served for him other than more pussy. And yeah that’s harsh but that’s what I was thinking at the time. Now that I know a bit more and I’ve figured out a reason for the relationship I feel much better about it all.

To think back on the whole experience thus far I blame a lot of the discomfort I felt on NRE (new relationship energy). He was in that hyper sexual excited space with Ms Kiva and that left me chilling in the wings waiting for him to notice me again. It’s not that he intended to do that or even knew he was acting that way, because NRE has a tunnel focus and for awhile attention for me was difficult. He even had problems with sex for a time. Like he couldn’t get it to work, couldn’t emotionally connect and so our sex suffered.

I’d been through this before when he started a relationship with froggy but that doesn’t any less difficult. Sure I could recognize it faster, but the distance was still felt. He’s back for the most part I think. Our relationship is still strong (always was) and we’re able to connect to each other like we used to.

NRE sucks for the primary partner. It really does. Especially if you are like me and don’t feel joy for your partner’s newfound relationship. I don’t have compersion. I don’t identify as poly myself so it’s just harder on me to see the purpose or need for other partners.

Now, Master and I did need to open the relationship for play way back when because our relationship was suffering when he wasn’t getting his sadistic streak fed often our intensely enough. That’s when froggy entered the picture. It did develop from there but she started as a play partner. And it healed our relationship immensely. We were able to connect intensely without his ache for the edgy sadistic stuff that I can’t do. I’m a masochist but not ¬†in the same realm as Master needs often enough.

It can happen, of course, when you learn about BDSM and grow together as a couple and as individuals. Often this can lead to an end of the relationship. But if you open the relationship it can save things. I can’t see my life without Master. I’m with him through thick and thin.

And no matter what, I’m devoted to him. He knows his limits as far as further relationships go. I can’t handle him collaring anyone else. That level of relationship is reserved.

So that’s what’s on my mind tonight.


A Cold Pox

Have you missed me? I’ve missed me. I’ve had a horrible cold for over a week now. I’ve slept most of the week away. What I wasn’t sleeping away I was coughing, sneezing, blowing my nose and in general misery. This has been a tough one.

I’m still pretty miserable, although I have been able to string words together into sentences once the medicine works.

I plan on talking about poly things, work, chores, plans and dreams. Also have a meme to do from kaya. I have been thinking about writing here for some time. Perhaps soon. Perhaps when I stop coughing up a lung. Catch you next time the meds are working!


The past few weeks (months?) I have been fighting to get enough sleep. Or rather perhaps more fulfilling sleep. I’m constantly tired. I’m sleeping 8 hours and taking midday naps. I went to my Dr to check my thyroid levels and have a basic workup. Nothing is wrong that way. She thought perhaps I need a sleep study so that’s a possibility. I do snore but Master has never noted any breathing difficulty with that.

It’s quite draining to be tired all the time no matter how much sleeping I’m doing. My memory was suffering and I was more clumbsy than normal. Master mentioned having to repeat himself a lot and I know I was irritable. It’s not like I have insomnia that I know of because I feel like I’m sleeping. I wake up at the slightest sound though and when I do wake in the middle of the night it takes forever to go back to sleep. But during the day I can fall asleep within minutes of being inactive. Oh and the exercise I’m doing (100 mins a week) doesn’t give me any energy boost, in fact I feel more tired after the workout which encourages more napping.

A few experiments have come out of this problem and it appears it might be working.

First, Master believed that my middle of the night swap from the bed to the futon mattress in the living room was disruptive to my sleep cycle. So, now we are sleeping in one bed all night. I’ve taken turns with him as far as which bed I’m in to see if it makes a difference and right now I don’t know.

Also, he added Melatonin to my vitamin supplements that I take. A friend of ours suggested it because she takes it to help get more restful sleep. I’ve taken it for a week now and something is helping. I can’t say if it’s the lack of switching places or the supplement but I’ve reduced my naps from every single freaking day to twice since I started taking the Melatonin.

I really hope that I’ll improve. It has seriously impacted my productivity and I feel behind at everything! Master has been really lenient with chores but I know my writing has suffered and my inspiration is non-existant. The worst thing is that when I’m so tired my slavery suffers. I’m not interested in sex, I can’t focus on play and even Master’s playful touches just make me feel annoyed. That’s definitely not what I want!