testing to make sure my feed doesn’t update.
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Well, so here it is folks. I’ve been away for a week and had time to rest my thoughts and reconcile my feelings to the change.
What change is that? Master says I’m not cut out for TPE. The complete authority required just didn’t work. I’ll tell you more about that in a bit. But when we agreed to try TPE he added more tasks, more rules and more structure. He isn’t going to continue that now that he’s removed the TPE. I’m sad about that in particular. Having to ask to wear clothing – gone. Direct commands instead of polite requests – no more. A sense of immediate chastising – nope. We discuss things now and maybe I get in trouble. I can hope to have things like that re-added in the future but for now he’s just defaulted back to pre-TPE test.
What made this change so abrupt is something sex related. I won’t do analingus. To me, it’s a limit. But when we agreed to test TPE he said that would be tested and I would be expected to do it since the “no ass licking limit” doesn’t have any trauma or real reason to it. At least that’s his thought on it. So, early on in our test he pushed me to do it and I did but cried the whole time (which he liked the whole forcing suffering of it) but what I didn’t tell him then was that when he left for kiva’s later that night I cried for hours. Full on weeping that I felt so horrible and icky and traumatized by it. When I told him that I was traumatized by it he was furious that this was the first time he was hearing of it.
I honestly thought my feelings of stress and fear and angst and the suffering long after was part of his pushing me to do something I didn’t want to do. Of course, he disagreed. He was mad that I would even think he was the kind of guy to cause me trauma and be okay with it. He’s right to be mad of course. I really did expect to be fully humiliated and degraded and beaten down with this analingus issue. After all, how else was I going to get through it since this was a hell no limit for me. Sure I don’t have any reason to say no other than it repels me; I find it horribly disgusting. He emphasized that everything we do has risks and that my concerns of getting sick, ingesting small amounts of fecal matter and what not was just as much of a risk as beating me with floggers, or kicking me in the cunt. But I’m not afraid of broken bones, bruises and nerve damage as a I am consuming shit. It’s just a whole lot of dry heaving for me.
But TPE means he makes the decisions on what’s safe and what risks I take. So when I told him no the last week when he told me to lick his ass for him. That was it. Huge fight, with the decision that if I can’t surrender to that then I’m not capable of giving him total authority. As soon as I set limits that don’t have a “real reason” for them existing that gives me the power and he won’t do that. It’s all or nothing.
So that puts us back to where we were before this test. And I miss some of it, but the fact that he’ll never force me to lick his ass again is a relief. That limit is still a limit now that he has to respect them on matter how silly he thinks they are. Maybe he’ll consider re-adding some of the more strict structure in the future and not consider it part of the TPE idea he had.
There’s been some changes in our relationship structure in the past few days. I’m not ready to put it together, but I’m sad about it. I’m sure I’ll be talking about it when I’m ready.
Until then, there might not be a whole lot going on in this space. But I’ll be back.
I’m doing pretty darned good with Nanowrimo. This last week I did 10K words! My wrists hurt like hell, but after medicating I was able to get so much accomplished. Now I have one week left and I want to get another 10K done. That would put me at 35K which is about average for what I’ve been able to accomplish in previous years. Even with the holiday the only day that I’ll be out of town is Saturday so I’ve got all this week to plow through writing. I can do this!
Master is so sweet and wonderful. My period is coming and I crave chocolate and coca-cola every month. He went out to the store for me! What a sweet man.
And the person that keeps posting that Master can’t keep a job? You are wrong. He’s had the same job for 10 years. He’s self employed and constantly has coding work. The current problem is that the clients he’s working for are really slow in paying him for services rendered. Like it’s been 2 months since he completed the work and they are just now getting payment sent. So get your head on straight missy and don’t go judging things before you know the facts.
AND miss pissy britches, the issues I have with froggy and the whole poly thing are because I realized after we opened the relationship that I am not poly. That doesn’t mean Master can’t be poly. That’s how he is. So, I have jealousy issues and I don’t feel compersion. So of course I’m going to express my stress and anxiety over this. There’s nothing wrong with my relationship with Master just because he has other relationships in his life. So just drop it.
That’s the last attention you are going to get, so you might as well stop reading my blog. It’s obviously not for you.
Now, we are going to have Thanksgiving dinner with Kiva and her poly family. We have the big dinner and are planning to play some Cards Against Humanity. I’m bringing GF boxed stuffing (because I’m going through all that work to make bread and then the stuffing), a GF dessert that doesn’t have pumpkin and a veggie of some sort. I’m not sure on that one yet. I’m considering making deviled eggs too. Of course this will all depend on if I can figure out how to transport it all 2 hours and have it look okay on the table. I don’t want to have to do any cooking while there. Just warm up the stuffing and the veggie.
I’m stopping by Mom’s house in the morning and will be doing the cooking there, cause she don’t mind and we can chat too. Mom isn’t into Thanksgiving. She does Christmas like nobody’s business though. So cooking for that will happen next month.
What are you fixing for Turkey Day?
Today we are expected to get a really big snowstorm, in fact it’s on it’s way right now. I’ve been watching the roads and weather report all day long because Master is driving to kiva’s tomorrow and he’s never driven in the snow before. I’m quite nervous for him. He’s pretty stubborn about going when he feels ready to drive the distance no matter the weather.
I’ve been pretty moody today myself, even more so when Master said he was going over to hang out at froggy’s instead of his usual Friday beating. It feels like he’s escaping stress again. I really wish I could be his outlet. I hate that I am too close to the stress that he can’t find relief from me. I’m his wife, his slave, and I feel so helpless.
Went out to work away from home today and I got over 2300 words written! I wrote over 2000 words yesterday too. Boy it feels good. If I can keep that up for the next 10 days I’ll be doing my best number ever. I am wearing my braces to bed and the Alieve twice a day to help keep them moving and not painful. Gosh it feels good after having some pretty bad days earlier in the month.
Master went bowling tonight and won a turkey! He beat his best game by 46 points. I’m pretty darned proud of him and a 13 lb turkey will feed us for like days and days. I told him we could save it for Christmas but he’s like, no man we need to eat it now. So, I’ll figure that out. Mom’s not making turkey for Christmas at her place so I’ll still have a chance to make a turkey here for the 2 of us.
Also, at Aldi today I got 2 boxes of GF stuffing and a canister of GF fried onions. So stuffing and green bean casserole!! I hope they taste good enough that I’ll have those good food memories. We are going to kiva’s for the Saturday after Thanksgiving for the big meal. I’m visiting Mom that morning. She’s not a big Thanksgiving fan, Christmas is her holiday.
So that’s about it around here these days.
This weekend was hard. Some weekends alone are harder than others and I can’t really explain why. I had moments of crying and trembling lower lip, feeling really alone and restless boredom. Master knows that I’m feeling this way because I tell him. I still can’t sleep well without him here and that may be just being used to someone being in the same area as I am when I sleep. The crying feeling persisted when he arrived and I had a little cry when he gave me a huge hug and told me he missed me.
I’m not sure if this emotional neediness is because I normally spend so much of my time with Master or that I’m becoming reliant on his presence or something altogether different. I know that my emotional turmoil bothers me. I think if I could pinpoint a reason I’d be able to process it better.
I’ve started taking Alieve twice a day to buy more time with Nanowrimo. My wrists have started aching at night so this will hopefully give me more time to get more done. I’ve got so much done so far, it feels great. Part of the writing I’m doing now is inspiring me for content I want to create further on.
Another day, another headache. This one sucker punched me really. I was fine early in the morning and then once Master was up I started to get dizzy, see stars in my vision and then the splitting headache and nausea started. Ugh. Half the day wasted yet again to a headache. I’ve started to have to wear my braces at night because by the end of the day my wrists ache. I hope they can hold out a bit longer. I just crossed 13k tonight and I’m behind the projected goal by now. But if I keep plugging along all well be good.
Got some insulting comments through the blog today too. Some people are so high and mighty aren’t they?
That’s about it for today. I’ll be back on Monday with hopefully a ton of progress for Nanowrimo!