December 2014

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Pain in my Wrists

I have some terrible pain in my wrists lately. The Carpal Tunnel Syndrome is really kicking me in the pants recently. Some days I’ve actually wished that my wrists would just go away, that my hands would just fall off. The pain is so bad and I look grumpy, holding them close to my chest and just not doing anything. Even the braces and Alieve aren’t cutting it really.

I know that after the winter I’ll be back to normal again. Winter just sucks for this sort of pain. I know it and just live with it. And yes I’ve considered surgery but the success rate isn’t that great. My dad has had 3 surgeries for Carpal Tunnel over the years. I’m just not to that point of desperation yet.

I think it could be different if I had a full time outside the home job that I needed to use my hands. But I don’t. I can take a day or an hour to rest and ice my wrists and then get back to it when they aren’t as bad.

Good news is my writer’s block is fading. Bad news is that no matter how much writing I want to do, my wrists are only allowing about an hour or so a day at most.

Today is Master’s birthday. Normally he gets a ton of blow jobs, but with my wrists out of commission he’s postponed celebrating until I’m better. I did make him a cake and got him a gift which he just loved (a weight bench). He’s such a wonderful man and I’m so happy to be able to celebrate his birthday whenever he wants it.

Christmas is also coming, and we have no presents for anyone. Still waiting for his paycheck to get any sort of gifts for anyone and so I’m going to be one of those last minute shoppers.  And it’s going to be budget shopping too, that’s for sure.

We are going to my mom’s on the 27th for family Christmas. The nieces and nephews will be there expecting something and mom just wants her cream cheese mints. I have no clue what the kids are getting. Any budget ideas for a 4 yr old girl, 10 yr old girl and boy and a 16 yr old boy?


Rambling Again

It’s December and that often means reflecting on the past year – at least it does for me. To say I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster recently would be an understatement. Often without warning I’ll be upset or angry then crying and depressed. Master misses the happy times and makes special note when I’m happy to spend time with me.

The turmoil in my head is a bit much sometimes. And I often question who I am. A phrase that Master has said does roll around in there a lot and while it is very true, makes me feel unworthy to be a slave, or his slave.

“You are a slave of convenience” Meaning I only do things when it suits my schedule or if I get something out of it. Which I guess is more true than I wanted it to be. I know I am not a “yes Sir I’ll do anything you say Sir” sort of slave. I’ve always given requests weight, and I guess that’s just not what I want anymore. I know it’s not what he wants.

It’s one of the things he says that froggy has, which irks me too. While I know we are different people, to know that she’ll do whatever, whenever and I give things pause is hurting me. Yes I hesitate. “You want me to go fuck myself with a cucumber? Why? That doesn’t sound fun at all!” When I really could just say, “Yes Master” and do it. Sure that’s a silly example but it gets the point across.

And that fact that I have a relatively successful submissive site where I try to help people learn about their own submission when my feels so lacking makes me feel fake. Why should anything listen to me when I can’t even submit the way I feel I should be? How would anyone respect me when I’m failing at my own service.

Okay so, ask Master and he’ll tell me I’m not failing. I wouldn’t be his slave if I were. He’s very happy with what I do for him and how I serve him. I wish I could give him more. I wish I could be more.

I wish he didn’t need froggy to experience service without questions, without hesitations. I wish all of his needs were served by me. And if that’s jealousy then I have it. I accept that.  Making a change that has been the way I am for so long is an uphill climb that I can’t see myself achieving.

Much like the weight loss I keep saying I am going to do and then failing to do. I’ve reset another goal yet again and still I do nothing about it. Like it will miraculously happen; one day I’ll wake up and have the drive to work out and eat right and lose weight. I hate myself for not having that drive. For prolonging the “punishments” I have for being fat. For having to sleep elsewhere because of my snoring, for being physically unable to sit in some seats at public places, for my heavy breathing and weakened stamina. For so much more that will put me in an early grave if I don’t make changes. And even that; death, while terrifying, hasn’t got me moving is saying something.

It’s not like I sit around and stuff my face with cookies and cakes and coke. I eat relatively healthy. Just too much of it and not enough moving to burn it. If there was only one thing I could do, it would be to exercise and move more. My metabolism would thank me.

Maybe, while this may have not been my year, I can learn something from it. And if not, perhaps I’ve at least made a step in the right direction.