July 2014

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T Minus 3

Wednesday the movers come to pack up our things into the U-Haul. froggy helped with all the cleaning yesterday and I will finish up the kitchen by Tuesday. I think I have about 5 boxes left to pack, so that means what… 10… maybe? Hah!

Today isn’t about moving though. A friend of ours is coming over to watch a classic at the theater. They are playing Monty Python and the Holy Grail on the big screen. It should be a great time. Then we’ll relax, have dinner and prepare for the busy days ahead.

I’ve had headaches almost constantly for a week. It started with a two count of migraines on Tuesday/Wednesday and since then I just can’t shake the moderate pain. I am assuming it’s stress, but Master thinks it might be sinus or allergy related. Either way I’m feeling the effects.

I’m short, snappy and ill tempered. Not a good combination for Master and certainly doesn’t bode well for me. He’s been at the end of his rope more than once in recent days and I hate that I can’t seem to control my responses and behavior when I’m hurting.

In recent developments I’ve come to realize that I’m not polyamorous at all. I’m monogamous. The experiment failed for me, but I think I can adapt to an open relationship as long as things aren’t in my face.  Too much of the overt sexual attention and behavior got to me and got me in a bad way. I admit there were moments I wanted Master to break things off with froggy because it was very painful.

I’m still afraid of the new move and how things will have to adjust to work with the new way I need things to work so that I can continue to be a happy wife and slave and he can still have froggy. Master knows I’m afraid and he can do nothing but keep reassuring me that he loves me and that I’m his world and he’s not going anywhere. Things I know, but just don’t quiet the fears in my head.

Fears that I’ll be lonely, feeling of abandonment or that I’m unimportant. Afraid I don’t please him enough and that he can just walk across the street to get his needs met instead of talking to me about it. Loss of intimate me and him times. Because in my head she’ll always be there.

I realize a lot of this is insecurity and very irrational thoughts, but I’ve never been told that how I feel is wrong. Because it isn’t. At least I feel. And can talk about it. Usually.

So, I’m going to explore this new adventure carefully. Tip-toe if you like. I’ve got a lot of self-work to do also once we move and I know the rules will be strictly enforced to help get my head on where it should be. He’s let is slide too far, he says. I’ve abused the freedoms.

And I know, that after a bit of fighting, I’ll feel secure in my place because he’s watching out for me, caring for me and making sure my dreams are fulfilled. Because that is who he is. A loving caring provider. My world. My forever love. Master.

–lunaKM

Ask me, do I have the apartment packed up yet?

Have I notified everyone of the move that needs to be told yet? Have I followed up on the movers and the new apartment manager, who I haven’t heard anything of since they took our signed lease and deposit in May?

Do I feel ready for the move yet?

And my answer would be no, no and no.

In just 20 days I’ll be moving from a town that I really enjoy, to a town I don’t know. Of course that’s how a move like this usually works and I realize that I’ll find things to do and people to see in the new town also. But that nagging though in the back of my mind is that we are only moving for one thing. Or rather, one person. Froggy.

So what happens if things go south for her and Master? I’m not saying it will, but there are always possibilities. Then there will be no reason to have moved at all. I can only hope we have some of our debt paid off that we want to accomplish so that our next move will be into a house.

I’m trying to be optimistic here. There is a BDSM community that I used to be a part of and will rejoin to see how it is now. I’m going to be bringing my Sub Forum to the area so I know I’ll be meeting people and helping submissives just as I currently do. I will likely enjoy our new apartment once I’ve moved things into it and claimed it as mine. I’m sure I’ll find things to enjoy about the new place – I just haven’t looked into it.

Really I’m living with ghosts, to be honest. This town has a lot of really happy memories for me. It was the town I had my first apartment in, when I was on my own, after flunking out of college, and doing well for myself.

This apartment is the last place I held Zeus and I can still see him running down the hall and looking out the balcony window. I won’t have those places to look when we move to imagine him. It’s been a year and I still cry over him. We leave and I feel like I’m leaving him behind. And maybe it’s time….

I’ve made a lot of friends here that I won’t be able to see as frequently, if at all. The distance isn’t really something that makes visits easy.

My mother will now be 2 hours away instead of 30 mins. She doesn’t have the best health and she’s naive in a lot of things. I feel like I have to watch out for her as best I can. Her other children don’t visit her or appear to care as much, which is sad.

It’s so stupid but these thoughts keep running around causing stress and doubt. I have to get them off my chest. This is my place to do it so you get to run around in my weird thoughts too.

–lunaKM