Wednesday the movers come to pack up our things into the U-Haul. froggy helped with all the cleaning yesterday and I will finish up the kitchen by Tuesday. I think I have about 5 boxes left to pack, so that means what… 10… maybe? Hah!
Today isn’t about moving though. A friend of ours is coming over to watch a classic at the theater. They are playing Monty Python and the Holy Grail on the big screen. It should be a great time. Then we’ll relax, have dinner and prepare for the busy days ahead.
I’ve had headaches almost constantly for a week. It started with a two count of migraines on Tuesday/Wednesday and since then I just can’t shake the moderate pain. I am assuming it’s stress, but Master thinks it might be sinus or allergy related. Either way I’m feeling the effects.
I’m short, snappy and ill tempered. Not a good combination for Master and certainly doesn’t bode well for me. He’s been at the end of his rope more than once in recent days and I hate that I can’t seem to control my responses and behavior when I’m hurting.
In recent developments I’ve come to realize that I’m not polyamorous at all. I’m monogamous. The experiment failed for me, but I think I can adapt to an open relationship as long as things aren’t in my face. Too much of the overt sexual attention and behavior got to me and got me in a bad way. I admit there were moments I wanted Master to break things off with froggy because it was very painful.
I’m still afraid of the new move and how things will have to adjust to work with the new way I need things to work so that I can continue to be a happy wife and slave and he can still have froggy. Master knows I’m afraid and he can do nothing but keep reassuring me that he loves me and that I’m his world and he’s not going anywhere. Things I know, but just don’t quiet the fears in my head.
Fears that I’ll be lonely, feeling of abandonment or that I’m unimportant. Afraid I don’t please him enough and that he can just walk across the street to get his needs met instead of talking to me about it. Loss of intimate me and him times. Because in my head she’ll always be there.
I realize a lot of this is insecurity and very irrational thoughts, but I’ve never been told that how I feel is wrong. Because it isn’t. At least I feel. And can talk about it. Usually.
So, I’m going to explore this new adventure carefully. Tip-toe if you like. I’ve got a lot of self-work to do also once we move and I know the rules will be strictly enforced to help get my head on where it should be. He’s let is slide too far, he says. I’ve abused the freedoms.
And I know, that after a bit of fighting, I’ll feel secure in my place because he’s watching out for me, caring for me and making sure my dreams are fulfilled. Because that is who he is. A loving caring provider. My world. My forever love. Master.