May 2014

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I want to make this clear, learning a poly relationship style is not easy. It’s not always going to work the way you want it too and there will be challenges, from small to insurmountable.

At the beginning of this year I began to have some serious issues with the relationship exposure I had when froggyKM was around. I got this sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach when I see them intimate with each other. I got uncomfortable sitting around naked with her here and sleeping in the same bed was difficult too.

We’d been trying for a year to make a family triad, one big happy poly family but now I know that is not the style I can comfortably participate in. The past few months have been difficult for me to say the least. Master and froggyKM are trying to make me feel comfortable but it’s like trying to walk on sandpaper uphill. It hurts.

Changes started piling up. I wear clothing when she’s here. We don’t sleep in the same bed (and the sleeping arrangements are atrocious since froggyKM and I both snore and Master can’t stand that). I leave the room or house when/if they want to be intimate with each other on any level other than hand holding, kissing and other acceptable PDA.

Master and I went to a poly forum last month and I was finally able to place an identity on the type of poly person I am. Since then it has helped me find strength in settling into something that might work for us. I am Monogamous. Master is Poly. The best relationship style for this is the “V” style relationship and for me, his relationship needs to happen as much as possible outside my presence. Until we move that’s not really possible but once we move, he can be at her place doing whatever and I don’t have to be in the middle of it all. Just because he’s poly doesn’t mean I have to be a part of his relationship with froggyKM.

From the last post, you know we had what I consider a pretty horrible situation flare up. I treated it like I wanted to treat it on my blog because this is supposed to be my safe haven to express myself. If I want to rant I will rant. I was upset and angry with froggyKM and knew that I couldn’t say this stuff to her face. So my blog is my sounding board. Master supports this. froggyKM reads my blog still, although after the last post, where she accused me of public humiliation, and showing her in a negative light she may choose to not come here anymore. She’s more than welcome to write a blog about her side of any situation. I will not retract how I felt at the moment I wrote the blog. I’m done censoring myself here.

Now, froggyKM wants to be friends with me. I’m terrible at making friends, I’ve been hurt by friends in the past and I just don’t nurture friendships well. It’s a part of who I have always been. I have hundreds of acquaintances but only a few solid friends. I’m pretty okay with that. Seeing as I have been privy to froggyKM and Master in some rather personal situations I feel like I need to step back from the friend-making process for a bit. I can’t say I won’t be froggyKM’s friend, but right now I’m not ready. I need to settle into a routine once we move before that can happen.

Going forward I hope that we can make the relationship style work that will be best for me. It won’t impact their relationship at all. There are plenty of other poly relationships that function like this so I know I’m not an oddball out.


She’s a Brat

Just a quick update so that I can vent and then I’ll give you guys a full update when I have more time.

Master, froggy and I went to a BDSM con this weekend. Master bought some hemp rope, which he has wanted for years. He decided he wanted to do some rope practice to test it out, not a scene, just trying the rope.

I said he could do froggy first and so he tied her in a simple chest harness.  He sat her down in his lap so she could enjoy the rope and turned his head to me and asked if I wanted some rope.

“I’d love some rope Master.”

Then froggy flips! She snaps around all crying and says something like how dare he talk to me when she’s tied up or something. OMG. It was quite clear all day that Master wasn’t doing any serious scene, just testing the rope out so that we can feel it and he can try it out. Second, she was sitting, all done with her rope.

So she cries and fusses and gets all wigged out because apparently he’s not allowed to talk to me when she’s tied up. Uh-huh.

So, he dealt with her, and I told him that as long as she’s acting this way I don’t want to try the rope, that it has been ruined by her outburst.

We packed up shortly after because she choose to distance herself and shut down.

I’m mad at her. I want to call her childish and selfish and stupid. I want to tell her that she’s here in the relationship in part because I allow it, and how dare she act that way and cheat me from enjoying what she just got. Bitch.

I can’t talk to her today. I’m doing my best not to say these things to her face because I can’t stand her crying at everything that challenges her perfect little world in her head. I’m looking forward to her going home…. soon.

I’m pissed, dammit. I wanted to experience the rope at the dungeon party too. What a brat.


The UHaul and moving helpers have been reserved. One of the movers already called to confirm and told me I’m their first reservation for that day (which will be a very busy day for any movers in a college town) so I had my pick of times. I’ve started collecting more boxes and this week I will begin the long process of packing, by starting in the closets. There’s one box of stuff that needs to go to GoodWill so far but I feel that I’ll have a lot more before I’m done trimming down our material possessions for the sake of not needing it or wanting it.

Cutting down the food stockpile is going to be hard. There is a level of food in the pantry that makes me feel comfortable, anything less than that and I begin to feel panicky about food. I’ll have to make do I think. There’s a 2 day gap between move out and move in so anything cold has to be used up or donated or squeezed into froggyKM’s fridge.

I’m starting to look at washer/dryers. The new apt has hookups and I’d love to not have to scale 3 floors to do laundry. I think it might actually mean we’d have more laundry done if it was so convenient. From the measurements froggyKM provided me I think I can get a stacked laundry center; the ones that are build together, not the ones that are optional stackable. They run about $1400. Otherwise, full size washer and dryer combos look to be about $2500. Master said we could start saving for the laundry center once we move.

The car needs a tune up. Along with that, this week my trunk decided it wasn’t going to open anymore. Not with a key, nor with the trunk latch inside the car. So, I have to get that looked at too. Hopefully the place I go for my other repair work can do that too. The car is getting old and I hope we can make it last at least another 5 years. By then we hope to afford a car payment.

I’m getting another Thyroid Sensitive Hormone (TSH) test done this week since my Dr changed my meds. It’s stressful to have to constantly monitor how you feel and base that with the number they give you from the blood test results to figure out if that number is your magic number. As of now, I’m not napping everyday so that’s a good sign. However, I am very close to needing that nap so I don’t think the number is magical yet.

Maximus my 12 year old kitty has to have a wellness exam and his immunizations this month. He’s noticeably lost weight since Zeus died last year. Max used to be the fat kitty, and now he’s skinny and getting skinnier. I’m going to ask for a blood test for fatty liver and they might want to see him again shortly to check his weight. Of course I have to realize that it could just be old age that has him getting skinnier. He’s eating the same, I’ve not noticed anything different with that. He’s a lot more energetic with Loki and they play a lot more than he did with Zeus so that could be contributing, but I want to make sure that it’s healthy weight loss and not a sign of something, ya know?

Master has really picked up on exercise and weight training. It’s starting to show. He’s got lovely arm muscles and his stomach is trimming down. If he couldn’t get any handsomer! I’m hoping that I can get healthier along with him, this exercise crap is harder on me and I’ve had a week off now so getting back into it will be the pits.

I had a wonderful time with my mother last weekend. We went to a Civil War Reenactment. I’ve never been to one, and this was so interesting. I got a pretty bad sunburn on my face and chest that is still healing. I don’t tan, I burn and I guess even though I used sunscreen like every 30 mins, it wasn’t enough. I think I had blisters on top of blisters in one area on my chest. It’s still red and tender a week later. The rest has faded, peeled and turned a light brown (which will last about 3 weeks then pale again).

In 2 weeks we’ll be going to Mischief in May, the local kink convention. I’m looking forward to a few of the classes and a couple of the presenters I’ve only talked with via email so it will be great to meet them finally. Dan and dawn Williams of Erotic Awakening Podcast and the book “Living M/s” as well as GrayDancer of the Ropecast Podcast, GRue and so many other wonderful things. Dan and dawn keep inviting me to their Power Exchange Summit and I really want to go but the past 3 years it has just fallen at a bad time for us for one reason or another. Maybe next year? They keep inviting me to present on a topic also but I’m not sure how well that would go. I don’t see myself as a very good face to face presenter. I’m comfortable online, of course, but stand me up in a room and I feel inferior and afraid I’m not knowledgeable enough.