I want to make this clear, learning a poly relationship style is not easy. It’s not always going to work the way you want it too and there will be challenges, from small to insurmountable.
At the beginning of this year I began to have some serious issues with the relationship exposure I had when froggyKM was around. I got this sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach when I see them intimate with each other. I got uncomfortable sitting around naked with her here and sleeping in the same bed was difficult too.
We’d been trying for a year to make a family triad, one big happy poly family but now I know that is not the style I can comfortably participate in. The past few months have been difficult for me to say the least. Master and froggyKM are trying to make me feel comfortable but it’s like trying to walk on sandpaper uphill. It hurts.
Changes started piling up. I wear clothing when she’s here. We don’t sleep in the same bed (and the sleeping arrangements are atrocious since froggyKM and I both snore and Master can’t stand that). I leave the room or house when/if they want to be intimate with each other on any level other than hand holding, kissing and other acceptable PDA.
Master and I went to a poly forum last month and I was finally able to place an identity on the type of poly person I am. Since then it has helped me find strength in settling into something that might work for us. I am Monogamous. Master is Poly. The best relationship style for this is the “V” style relationship and for me, his relationship needs to happen as much as possible outside my presence. Until we move that’s not really possible but once we move, he can be at her place doing whatever and I don’t have to be in the middle of it all. Just because he’s poly doesn’t mean I have to be a part of his relationship with froggyKM.
From the last post, you know we had what I consider a pretty horrible situation flare up. I treated it like I wanted to treat it on my blog because this is supposed to be my safe haven to express myself. If I want to rant I will rant. I was upset and angry with froggyKM and knew that I couldn’t say this stuff to her face. So my blog is my sounding board. Master supports this. froggyKM reads my blog still, although after the last post, where she accused me of public humiliation, and showing her in a negative light she may choose to not come here anymore. She’s more than welcome to write a blog about her side of any situation. I will not retract how I felt at the moment I wrote the blog. I’m done censoring myself here.
Now, froggyKM wants to be friends with me. I’m terrible at making friends, I’ve been hurt by friends in the past and I just don’t nurture friendships well. It’s a part of who I have always been. I have hundreds of acquaintances but only a few solid friends. I’m pretty okay with that. Seeing as I have been privy to froggyKM and Master in some rather personal situations I feel like I need to step back from the friend-making process for a bit. I can’t say I won’t be froggyKM’s friend, but right now I’m not ready. I need to settle into a routine once we move before that can happen.
Going forward I hope that we can make the relationship style work that will be best for me. It won’t impact their relationship at all. There are plenty of other poly relationships that function like this so I know I’m not an oddball out.