This past week Master spent some time at froggy’s. While there we were still in contact so I don’t think I was as lonely as I could have been.  I was still pretty lonely though. It’s interesting how you can be around someone all the time and ache for a little alone time, but when you have it the only thought you have is when they’ll be back.

I went about my usual day while he was gone. I didn’t want to change the routine too much since he’d expect things to be a certain way when he got home. I think doing that helped with the missing him feelings.

That and he texted me a lot. :D

Master and I had a conversation the other day, before he left about my weight loss efforts and that the current level of exercise I’m doing isn’t making a difference on the scale yet. He wants me to go to the Dr to see what could be done, but I already know what the Dr will say, “Some people need to exercise more.” So, Master has decided that I will work out 30 mins everyday, skipping the weekend. I’m terrified actually of the increase.

When you are morbidly obese like I am, a lot of physical activities are difficult. I realize that I’ve done this to myself and don’t blame anything or anyone else for my condition. But when someone says you need to diet and exercise I don’t think they realize the complexity of it. I have built in resistance training every time I get up and move around. Whenever I take a step I’m lifting the stomach apron. I’ve got permanent weights under my arms. But with that I have the strength of someone far smaller. So moving is a fight with a high chance of injury.

I’m sure it’s not appealing to think of this, but injury at my size is more likely just from walking. All of my core muscles are weak. So, to have to do more exercise, when I know the current level is very taxing is scary.

I can do it, but I know I’m going to be miserable until I can adjust. And I can hope that the weight starts to lift.

And before any of you preach at me, I know what I’m doing. I’ve been reading, learning and practicing diet and exercise my whole life. I know where I’m failing and I know what I should be doing. Your diet won’t work for me. I’m sure I’ve already tried it.

I need permanent change that I can sustain.

–lunaKM