From 3 to 5

This past week Master spent some time at froggy’s. While there we were still in contact so I don’t think I was as lonely as I could have been.  I was still pretty lonely though. It’s interesting how you can be around someone all the time and ache for a little alone time, but when you have it the only thought you have is when they’ll be back.

I went about my usual day while he was gone. I didn’t want to change the routine too much since he’d expect things to be a certain way when he got home. I think doing that helped with the missing him feelings.

That and he texted me a lot. :D

Master and I had a conversation the other day, before he left about my weight loss efforts and that the current level of exercise I’m doing isn’t making a difference on the scale yet. He wants me to go to the Dr to see what could be done, but I already know what the Dr will say, “Some people need to exercise more.” So, Master has decided that I will work out 30 mins everyday, skipping the weekend. I’m terrified actually of the increase.

When you are morbidly obese like I am, a lot of physical activities are difficult. I realize that I’ve done this to myself and don’t blame anything or anyone else for my condition. But when someone says you need to diet and exercise I don’t think they realize the complexity of it. I have built in resistance training every time I get up and move around. Whenever I take a step I’m lifting the stomach apron. I’ve got permanent weights under my arms. But with that I have the strength of someone far smaller. So moving is a fight with a high chance of injury.

I’m sure it’s not appealing to think of this, but injury at my size is more likely just from walking. All of my core muscles are weak. So, to have to do more exercise, when I know the current level is very taxing is scary.

I can do it, but I know I’m going to be miserable until I can adjust. And I can hope that the weight starts to lift.

And before any of you preach at me, I know what I’m doing. I’ve been reading, learning and practicing diet and exercise my whole life. I know where I’m failing and I know what I should be doing. Your diet won’t work for me. I’m sure I’ve already tried it.

I need permanent change that I can sustain.

–lunaKM

12 comments

  1. Rayne Millaray’s avatar

    “I realize that I’ve done this to myself and don’t blame anything or anyone else for my condition.”

    This is only partially true. While I’m sure that you had a hand in getting to where you are, there’s that whole food addiction thing you’ve mentioned before. Addiction isn’t as easy to get rid of as it is to create. And this isn’t exactly a new issue. Whether you ultimately caused it or not has nothing to do with what’s going on presently. There could be all sorts of underlying factors you don’t know about that have cropped up throughout the gaining and attempts to lose.

    As much as I hate to say it (because I hate doctors), KM might be right. A doctor’s visit might be in order. While it’s not quite proven yet, obesity is related to all sorts of other issues. When’s the last time you had your thyroid tested? Have you discussed the food addiction with a therapist or doctor?

    As for how you’re going about it, have you looked into ways to make the exercise more fun? Maybe a low impact, low intensity dance DVD or something? I’m not sure what, if any, exercise you enjoy, so I don’t know exactly what to suggest, but I’ve found that finding ways to make it fun makes it easier to keep up with.

  2. lunaKM’s avatar

    Rayne,

    I had my thyroid tested 5 weeks ago and I go back next week for another because they adjusted my meds. I do have hypothyroidism so I realize my metabolism is in the tank, but I should still be able to see some movement in either my feeling more healthy or the scale.

    My food addiction stopped dead in its tracks when I stopped eating gluten – which leads me to believe 2 things; one I was addicted to gluten-containing foods and second, the foods I binged on were all now off my approved foods list. I can honestly say that I have not binged in over 2 years.

    Whenever I talk to my Dr (and previous Drs) they come to one conclusion – weight loss surgery. That is not an option for me. Medifast shakes aren’t an option for me because they contain gluten. There is no magic pill. I disagree with nutritionists who say low fat is the right diet. There is far too much sugar in low fat diets and the last thing I need is to see my insulin levels get into pre-diabetic stage.

    It makes no difference if the exercise is fun or not. When just standing for more than 5 minutes hurts, anything is going to be very difficult for me to do. I frequently injure my back through low cardio and basic walking so trying to do anything more intense is a no go at this point. I walk. That’s what my body can do right now.

    I appreciate you reminding me that it may not all be under my control, but I know a lot of it is.

  3. SapphireRose’s avatar

    I think you hit it right on the head when you said, “I need permanent change that I can sustain.”

    That’s what it’s all about.

  4. Joy’s avatar

    I feel for you. I wasn’t quite as heavy but the prospect of exercise with my bad lumbar discs was overwhelming. Especially when another disc ruptured during exercise. :-(

    I’d like to offer a couple of suggestions. Water aerobics is nearly 0 impact and gives some relief to pain like back hips and knees because the water supports a lot of a body’s weight. I would also recommend searching the internet for core strengthening exercises specifically for back pain. Cardio is not the only exercise we need. Muscle mass is critical in weight loss. Muscle burns calories while you’re not doing a thing.

    Im trying to improve my physical condition too. The pain is increasing again. blah

    Good luck in your endeavors and if you need to chat my inbox is open.

  5. Sheri’s avatar

    Calories in vs calories out, it IS that simple. Log your food HONESTLY, and shoot for around 1500 calories a day. Anyone who tells you that is not enough… well, you didn’t get fat eating that amount, for sure. I’m sorry, but you don’t get in excess of 300+ lbs without taking in a massive overage of calories. At that weight you’d lose easily even taking in 2,000 calories and not doing much at all. Don’t blame the gluten, don’t blame the thyroid. It’s all lame excuses. Luna, I have both issues myself and I never broke 200 lbs at my heaviest, AND I managed to take the weight off by doing nothing other than calorie counting. Your excuses do nothing but hold you back. You have to own your problems. The fact that you say ‘And before any of you preach at me, I know what I’m doing. I’ve been reading, learning and practicing diet and exercise my whole life. I know where I’m failing and I know what I should be doing. Your diet won’t work for me. I’m sure I’ve already tried it.” tells me you KNOW this too, but you still allow yourself to hide behind excuses.

    I was fat for years, and I did the same song and dance you are doing, claiming that I ‘OMG don’t eat that much’ and ‘I’m trying to exercise and diet but I just can’t lose the weight, it’s not my fault! Muh metabolism, muh gluten intolerance and muh thyroid!’. But when I took an HONEST look at what I was eating I was taking in around 4,000 calories a day with a sedentary lifestyle. THAT is why I was fat. When I scaled back to an honest 1500 calorie allotment, the weight melted off without any real effort on my part. It’s been a little over a year and I went from standing 5’3 weighing 195 lbs to 120 on a ‘heavy day’ all by doing nothing other than counting my calories truthfully. No gimmicks, just the same things I always ate but I counted the calories and policed my portions. I didn’t do any exercise other than an occasional stroll around the block, because, like you, I was too heavy and out of shape to do anything strenuous. I still loathe exercising, but it’s a hell of a lot easier to get my butt off the couch and do it now that I’m not dragging all that excess weight around.

    I’ve read your blog for some time now, and while I read that you want to lose weight I also see where you had the time, the opportunities, and the means yet you will not make and stick to the changes necessary.You don’t need a super exclusive expensive diet, you don’t need a gym membership, you don’t need expensive equipment. You need willpower, and I know you can reach within and find it. It’s what you are eating and the quantities of it that made you this way, Luna. I have seen some of your food diary entries in the past, and you eat almost half the calories I do in a day just for breakfast. That is NOT going to help you lose weight. Scale back. You’ll be hungry and cranky for a week tops, and you’ll adjust. I was a raging bitch the first week I went on a 1500 calorie allowance, but after that week, I was never hungry.

    You can choose to make the change and have the body you want, but it’s up to you. I’m sure this sounded mean and the exact opposite of all the hugboxing comments I always see here, but it was meant with the best of intentions. It took some ‘tough love’ like this to get my butt in gear over a year ago, and while I cried and thought it was OMG so mean to say those things to me, I wish I could find that anonymous commenter today and hug them for the change they inspired me to make. I’m happy with myself now, for the first time since I can remember. Those blunt ‘mean’ words were the greatest gift ever in retrospect. You can do it Luna, I did it and I am nothing special. You have just got to decide you want it, and go for it. I hope in six months to come back and see that you are finding success and are loving life.

  6. lunaKM’s avatar

    I disagree with you, the nutritionist will disagree with you and my Dr will disagree with you. Thanks for getting on your high horse, but it won’t work. Starving myself is not the way it goes. And it’s not as simple as calories in, calories out. If that were true the someone eating 1500 calories of ice cream and another eating 1500 calories of carrots, doing the same exercise everyday would have the same results. You can’t compare yourself to me – it won’t work.

    I refuse to starve myself – that’s not a diet. That’s not a way to eat and live. There are many ways of eating that won’t make you hungry and still work. I’m choosing low carb. It has worked for me in the past, plays well with my food allergy and gives me enough satiation to keep going.

    So, thanks preacher, but I’m going to listen to myself. And you’ve clinched it for me. I’m going to not allow comments on my weight loss posts.

  7. mckitten’s avatar

    Just wondering if you like swimming? Thought that might be less painful and with less risk of injury because of the weight baring the water does for you?

    (((hugs)))

  8. mckitten’s avatar

    weight bearing even, sorry :(

  9. lunaKM’s avatar

    I’m okay with swimming – I live in Iowa and it’s actually quite hard to find an indoor pool that isn’t part of a hotel! Imagine that.

  10. Barbara’s avatar

    Hi Luna,
    Just a word of “I understand all too well”. It is so NOT just a case of calories in and calories out. There are complications, whether it’s why we gain weight to begin with or have onset once we have the weight, weight loss is NOT the same for any two individuals.
    Ms. “Tough Love” thinks she has all the answers and maybe for herself (and herself only) she does. She is actually exactly who you tried to stave off by telling people not to preach at you.
    I give no suggestions, only support. It’s clear to me you do know what you’re doing and know your own body. I follow you when I can and know you keep up with doctors, etc., which is great. I don’t do as well as that because most doctors sound like Ms. “Tough Love”. I don’t make excuses either, but all kinds of things play a part including genetics, allergies, etc. I also know it doesn’t mean it’s impossible to accomplish but it does mean it can take a lot longer — and that can be very trying.
    I also totally relate to the fact that exercise is difficult at such a high weight (I’m speaking for myself, too). People can’t see past their own prejudices…and that includes people who are or formerly were fat. They really don’t have all the answers (not that I have them either, lol). Just get up, just do that. Right, if it were that easy and straightforward, wouldn’t we all be a healthy weight?
    Anyway, I rarely comment but your post resonated with me and I was hoping people would actually heed your “non-preaching” request. It’s too bad you’ll need to block comments on weight loss posts but I get it! Don’t even know if this will “take” but I thought I’d give it a shot. All the best to you, BdollSong.

  11. Sheri’s avatar

    I know you probably won’t post this, and that’s okay. I did come across as very harsh, and I’d like to apologize to you for that, sincerely. I think it’s that I see a lot of myself in you, and I did try every diet under the sun. Medifast, Slimfast, Paleo, Atkins and all the low carb flankers, I even visited a weight loss doctor that prescribed me the equivalent of legal speed that turned me into a wreck after taking them for a week. It was always the same, I would lose a couple pounds, maybe 20 if I was lucky, I would go off the diet, and then gain it all back and then some. I started out around 170, and all that ‘dieting’ got me up to 195. I was very unhappy, felt defeated, and felt like there was something wrong with me. I hated how I felt, how I looked, and most of all I hated just how powerless I felt. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, especially not a smart, vibrant lady like you.

    What I wound up doing, what I described to you, is not a diet. It was simply a change in eating habits, mainly involving portion control and calorie counting. I eat whatever the hell I want, I don’t deny myself anything. For dinner today I had GF pizza, cheese sticks and chocolate cake, no lie. On Friday I threw down and ate chips, dip, more pizza, had soda and chased it with cookies. I eat veggies and healthy things as well, I was just trying to illustrate that I can still eat whatever I want to and not worry about gaining. Forbidden fruit is sweetest, and that’s what always tripped me up before, I would start to crave stuff, give in, and go eat ALL OF THE CAKE AND PIZZA AND CHEESE STICK OMG. I just make damn sure that I am watching my portions and logging my calories accurately. It took a while but I can eyeball something and know what is a portion. I don’t have to measure or weigh my stuff any more like I used to.

    One confusion I’d like to clear up, I don’t mean for you or anyone to starve themselves. I even pointed that 2k calories would be sufficient for you to lose on, and that is quite a generous amount. I’m quite a bit smaller in stature than you, so I couldn’t put back that amount and maintain let alone lose. 1500 is the number that is right for me, and that is after I account for what I burn walking and biking to work. I have my fitbit synced to MFP, and it does the calculations for me. I’m not bsessive on that number either, I range between 1300 and 1600 depending on what I ate that day and how much I moved around. I tend to hover around 1500 most days though. Trust me, I am NOT starving, nor do I intend for anyone to. Little people like me don’t need as much as a taller lady like yourself. :)

    To be honest too, I didn’t even own a bike until I got down to 145, I was too fat and out of shape to even think about it. I would start hurting after a short walk to the store due to chub-rub, boob-sweat chafing and getting winded when I first started. I don’t think heavy or even moderate exercise is an option at higher weights, not even where I was in the beginning.

    I do disagree with anyone that tells you to go exercise any more than you already are, and I don’t care if it’s a doctor or nutritionist or whatever. Tell them to go battle chub-rub and the equivalent of hauling around heavy-duty body armor all day and then go take a brisk jog and see how they like it. That’s why I didn’t tell you to go sweat it out running a treadmill for a billion years or something, I KNOW how hard it is to do much of anything when you get to a certain point.

    Your calorie intake and portion management will get you to a point where you can do stuff like that, however. I’m lazy as all get out, but I’m definitely more fit and now I have endurance and stamina to go do stuff I enjoy like skating and dancing. It’s a lot easier to move around when you are lighter, that’s just the truth. That was what I was trying to tell you, although again I admit I came off harsh and probably hateful.

    Again, I’m sorry for coming off so blunt and mean. I really do want to see you reaching your goals, not just for your health, but also for your personal happiness. I’m not gonna lie, I was VERY unhappy when I was fat, even though I took on the air that I didn’t care about my weight and I thought I was awesome anyway. It was all just something I told myself and other people to hide from my own feelings of inadequacy. I was miserable the whole time. I really enjoy your blog, and I’ve followed you for quite some time. I suppose it was the time I’d invested in following you over the years that made me speak up and say something regarding weight loss. I saw that you had the desire, but were not seeing the results. It took an internet meanie on MFP to get me straight, and I do stand by what I said when I stated that if I ever had an opportunity I would give them the biggest hug ever for inspiring me to get right and finally manage to be happy with myself instead of feeling the way I did when I was fat and pointing at everything except how much I was eating.

    Best of luck to you, you really are one in a million and I mean that. :)

  12. Jennifer’s avatar

    Oh, Lord save us from former fatties.

    Sherie, in general calories in/calories out is a good jumping off place, but it’s a lot more complicated than that for many people. And “tough love” works for precisely .02% of the population, but for the rest of us, it’s demoralizing and defeating. I’m going to go now, and NOT leave nasty, unhelpful, critical comments on people’s blogs…

    Luna, don’t let the turkeys get you down.

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